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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to use dc's savings to pay for extra mattress to replace Playmobil that have been abandoned?

142 replies

JoyceDivision · 19/01/2012 11:32

Strange title i know but can't think how to word it!

Not a very serious issue, but I like to consider the weighty opinions or M'nttrs!

Last week, after a wobbler from dd (5) because I wouldn't let her eat a candy cane from school (she's in reception and a bit miffed they gavce them all out, but hey ho..) and we agreed she could keep it and, i dn't know, play with it or look at it or something..

anyway, got home, dd went upstairs then after a while quite cheerfully asked me to come and look at her bedrom. Sje jad emptied all her playmobil into the middle of her room, school park, the princess castle she got from santa at Christmas!

So I told her to clean it up, went back upstairs after a while and she had trashed the castle... it tookus 4 hours to put it up!!

So all the playmobil has been confiscated, with tyhe agreement dd can have it back in a week but dd must show she can look after it. Dd however is not really that bothered and said she doesn't want ot and we can give it all away..

I'm thinking of doing some swaps with friends so dd isn't bored with it or if she really doesn't like the castle (sob! the carriage, bathroom, bedroom, nursery is with it!), and buying a cheap mattress at about £60 to put under her bed as a den as she seems to like the empty space to read.

So, would I be acting right (as in, not spoiling / giving in to dd) by getting what I think she would like, and since she was sooo naughty, rather than cough up myself, should i take the funds from dd saving a/c and she has in effect bought this herself?

Am i rotten or to soft?

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 19/01/2012 12:26

As long as she's not allergic, why deny her the candy cane? Fine to have concerns with schools handing out sweets willy nilly, I would be concerned about that, but presumably this was a one-off Christmas treat or something like that?

Anyway I would have put it away and said 'you can have it as a treat at the weekend' or something like that.

Trashing the Playmobil was (I reckon) simply a reaction to the feeling she had been treated unfairly - I am sure she doesn't want you to get rid of it. Lashing out in frustration at the nearest thing to hand if you can't express your feelings properly is something all children must do - I remember doing it, my brother did it - it doesn't mean they don't want the toy in the first place.

Feeling you have been withheld a treat which other children are allowed is one of my worst memories of childhood - I can remember being at a country pub near our village after a walk with other parents/children, and all the other children except me had crisps and a fizzy drink as a treat after the walk.

My mum wouldn't buy me any, and the injustice of it still rankles. It didn't matter that she said 'you can have some lemonade when you get home' - it was being denied what other children were having in front of them which felt humiliating. Children don't forget these slights and upsets, however petty, if I'm anything to go by - so I'd try to be a bit more understanding of her feelings, I think.

ArtVandelay · 19/01/2012 12:34

What is the crime here?

psketti · 19/01/2012 12:41

I think she secretly does want the Playmobil and I wouldn't get rid just yet. If the whole class got a candy cane seems a bit mean not to let her eat it. Re the mattress - no I wouldn't use her money to buy it. Children behave badly. I see it as my job to steer mine in the right direction. It seems a big revenge like to buy it with her own money and not really appropriate. Also it's the kind of thing she might remember until she's 35 and bring up at a later date.

marshmallowpies · 19/01/2012 12:49

psketti - coughs, yes, I'm 35 and the things I referred to above still rankle with me...

I do occasionally have conversations with my mum where she says 'I'm sure we did all sorts of dreadfully unfair/mean things when you were a child' and of course being her DD I play it down and laugh and say 'Oh it wasn't that bad!' - but I do try and impress on her the importance of perceived fairness to children - being SEEN to be treated fairly in front of other children is just as important as whether you actually get the treat or not.

In the case of my mum, it's not even as if it's all past history now - I see some of the same patterns in the way she treats her GCs and, as their aunt, I'm itching to say 'don't say that to them!' or 'that's not going to help' but of course I dare not say anything...

MrsMicawber · 19/01/2012 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaronessBomburst · 19/01/2012 12:54

Composhat But Sharon will throw the wine at the dead wasp and that is not a good example to set a child.

duckdodgers · 19/01/2012 13:00

Op you do realise that Playmobile is for.. ..well playing with, the clue is in the name

So your 5 year old was playing with her toy - and youve decided she was naughty

Hulababy · 19/01/2012 13:03

I am confused.

She got the candy cane to play with? Did she eat it? Are you cross regarding that?

The toys - yes, I would be cross if she has made this amount of mess. It is unnecessary and if she asked you to come and look then I suspect she knew it and was doing it to get attention or because she couldn't have the candy came.

I would have been cross and had some form of punishment for the mess if not tidied up when asked. I don't really do confiscating stuff but if that was the punishment then that is fine. But you need a time limit or a specific way, which is achievable to earn it back.

Just because she says she doesn't want it back doesn't mean she means it, esp at 5yo.

I am not sure how the swaps thing would work. I don't know many people who'd be happy to do that tbh.

If she truely doesn't want the castle - btw, did she ask for it? - then you could sell it. Then use the money from that to let her chose something else maybe. But I would give it time before making such a decision.

Re the mattress? Has she asked for this? It doesn't seem like a great present. Why not make a den with her under her bed using cushions and sheets/voile?

Hulababy · 19/01/2012 13:04

Actually I don't think trashing something and tipping it all into a pile is playing. I do think children of 5y are more than capable of playing with toys properly without the need to create the level of mess indicated.

boohoobabywho · 19/01/2012 13:11

if all these adults are confused by your actions... how is a 5 yr old supposed to understand them?

cuppatea2 · 19/01/2012 13:11

i understand if you dont want her to have the candy cane - but I dont exactly confiscate this kind of stuff from my kids since it actually belongs to them - I tell them they have to hand it over (they get no choice if it's against our house rules) and I REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING EQUIVALENT that they can enjoy eg mini milky way as a fair swap for candy cane (then I bin the candy/lolly pop or whatever)

the playmobile - I am almost certain your child has WAY TOO MuCH OF THE STUFF. Not sure what sets you have but at this age one or two of the £15-£20 sets is more than enough.

You dont need to punish her for anything - I think you may have misunderstood the point of playmobil.

She is actually a bit too young - they pull all the hair and hats and every single tiny thing off at this age - once a week you go throught he whole lot and put it all back together again ad infinitum.

She is too young to do much else with it ie put it all back together and make fun imaginative games (which is what you prob expected)

If you think she isnt benefitting from playing with it (sounds like not) or it is too annoying for you (sounds like yes!!!) then box it up (NOT a punishment) and replace for the time being with something more age appropriate eg PLAYMOBIL 123 is totally FAB and much more suitable since there arent so many tiny bits.

The mattress - really nice idea - I would talk to her about boxing the big girls stuff up and giving her the choice of a den under her bed or some playmobil 123 - show her some pictures of the playmobil so she knows what shes choosing

TheSmallClanger · 19/01/2012 13:12

Playmobil is meant to come apart, so you can rearrange it into different scenes - I really don't see what the problem is. I used to use the same rule my parents did about Playmobil/Lego etc: tipping it all on the floor is fine, as long as it all goes back in the box afterwards. It mostly worked.

YABU and precious to not let her eat her candy cane, and YABU to act on the protestations of an angry 5yo. She'll have changed her mind and calmed down tomorrow.

LoonyRationalist · 19/01/2012 13:12

Everyone else is right on the playmobil/ candy cane thing, YABU
Why not ask her in a week or so if she would like to play with the playmobil? However if you are going to be precious about her dismantling it then I suggest you get your own set just for you so you can control how it is used

With respect to the mattress, a den sounds like a good idea but perhaps a couple of floor cushions & blankets would be more flexible?? I would count this as doing up her bedroom & wouldn't expect her to contribute ^however if funds are really really tight and you are confident she would love it perhaps you could go halves?

mummytime · 19/01/2012 13:13

YABU
Thats it really.
Okay: why not let her eat the candy cane? Probably given out because someone has a birthday?
Kids have paddies and emptying toys into a hea is one of them.
Let her calm down, and then get her to tidy up.
Don't sell her toys.
However you do seem to have spent a lot on toys, that maybe she doesn't really need/want. Maybe she has too much, don't take things away but just don't spend so much next time on things you think are "lovely".
A den just needs a few old cushions, and a rug.

HeadfirstForHalos · 19/01/2012 13:16

Put the playmobile and get it out again in 6 months. She is more likely to grow into it than to have outgrown it at 5.

Candycane- you're bonkers there.

Mattress- depending on finances I'd either buy it myself, or if I couldn't afford to and she reallty would get a lot from it maybe go halves?

HeadfirstForHalos · 19/01/2012 13:16

Put the playmobile in the loft

Forrestgump · 19/01/2012 13:18

Christmas was only what ... 3 weeks ago, isn't that a bit soon to decide she doesn't like it? My daughter hasn't played with some things she had for Christmas, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like them, she plays with things in phases.

OhyouBadBadkitten · 19/01/2012 13:19

I really fancy a candy cane right now. All donations gratefully expected.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2012 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 19/01/2012 13:24

Yabu.

Candy cane issue? - Don't be silly. She can look at it, can she? Wow lucky her!

Playmobil - she is too young for it yet....put it in the attic for a couple of years and buy her something more age appropriate. The playmobil playsets fall apart at nothing! If you are going to get stressy about that, then put it away until she can build it back up herself.

Youare getting your knickers into a twist over nothing. And give her the horrible sticky candy cane fgs.

HattiFattner · 19/01/2012 13:24

How many things will you do to punish her? Will you just keep going until you get the reaction and apology you want? Or is this a reason to et the thing you want without it affecting your own lifestyle too much. And also taking away something your DD enjoys.

So iMH, YABVVVVVVVU and overly controlling. Make the punishment fit the crime, and only punish once for a misdemeanor. Also accept that your child in 5 - who wants to look at pepperminty goodness and not eat it?

Thats like saying "heres a nice glass of wine - you can look at the pretty colour, you can sniff it, but if you drink any Im going to remove your computer AND im going to take all your money out of the bank and use it for a big hammer to smash your phone up with."

Catsdontcare · 19/01/2012 13:25

Good what a confusing op, your dd must be equally confused!

Please explain!

Catsdontcare · 19/01/2012 13:27

Good lord that should say

Snakeonaplane · 19/01/2012 13:27

YABU for expecting a five your old to do a thing other than tip play mobile on the floor and for allowing her to look at or play with the candy cane, if I don't want dc to eat crap sweets I say later and spirit it away and hope they forget, they usually do. Re the mattress I would probably put the play mobile away for a couple of years and then give it back and pay for the mattress myself, other punishments for mess etc would be more suitable.

I think perhaps you are confusing lots of issues.

ouryve · 19/01/2012 13:29

The entire OP has me a bit . It all seems very petty and needlessly dramarific and given the OP's OTT actions and words, I'm wouldn't be surprised if her 5 year old has a learnt flair for making a scene.

I don't like candy canes, much, but when DS1 gets one or a lollipop for school, I set a time limit and what he hasn't eaten (which tends to be most of it) after that time is disposed of. That way, his teeth aren't bathed in the sugar all afternoon, he doesn't end up getting a massive sugar crash (ASD and ADHD, so this is never pretty) and he's normally pretty much bored of it after the 15 minutes or whatever (often the time taken to walk home from school) is up.

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