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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do lots of people seem to try their hardest to make 'outspoken' people happy?

114 replies

AgentZigzag · 15/01/2012 00:42

AIBU to suspect everyone knows someone 'outspoken'.

Those people who complain about everything, have to pass critical judgements on everybody, nothing's ever right for them, and worst of all they pride themselves on calling a spade a spade (but don't like it back).

I've noticed the people around them though seem to bend over backwards not to upset them, (although it's futile because they're never satisfied with anything) it's like they can't bear the thought of catching the difficult persons negative attention because this is much worse than telling them they're out of order.

Maybe it's something to do with wanting the persons approval?

Or is this what you do if you want the quiet life?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/01/2012 00:47

Yeah I think some people tip toe round people like that because the're scared they will 'turn' on them!

They dont scare me though and I quite enjoy giving back to those that 'dont like it back' Grin

They are the types who would say

'I tell it how it is'

Err no you're just rude

MardyBra · 15/01/2012 00:49

Well, it's a tricky one. My brother is outspoken and caused loads of grief over Christmas particularly when he was hitting the Scotch bottle. Sometimes I had to bite my tongue to attempt to keep a modicum of harmony, especially as outright confrontation upsets my mum. At other times, I'd confront or tell him to shut the fuck up without swearing

Pandemoniaa · 15/01/2012 00:50

I'm right in the middle of a nightmarish time with someone "outspoken". In reality, I've come to realise she is a control freak who weaves a web of dependency. Thus, when the shit hits the fan, many people feel they have too much to lose if they challenge her.

Since I am neither needy nor dependent on her, things have got rather ridiculous. But I agree that people will try and avoid the negative attentions of people like this.

VelcroFanjo · 15/01/2012 00:51

They are bullies

Bumblequeen · 15/01/2012 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 15/01/2012 00:52

Fine balance between assertive and aggressive.

thepeoplesprincess · 15/01/2012 00:56

Bitter middle-aged woman syndrome Bumblequeen

One day, I shall write a thesis on it and have it named in my (mum's) honour.

Flanelle · 15/01/2012 00:59
Bumblequeen · 15/01/2012 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 15/01/2012 01:41

'I've come to realise she is a control freak who weaves a web of dependency.'

That's it exactly Pand!

The people I know like this do it to test other peoples boundaries to see how much they care about them.

Do as you're told and pander to them and it backs up that they're right to behave however the fuck they like, disagree and it backs up they're right to think in the hyper critical way they do about the world, because everyone lets you down in the end...

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 15/01/2012 01:44

Hmm. Sometimes the 'outspoken' person is right, though. Sometimes it's the person who says 'Actually, that's not funny' when someone tells a racist or sexist joke, when everyone else is going 'Shh, don't make a fuss, you're so politically correct' who actually does have a point.
But some people are just rude and proud of it, of course.

blonderthanred · 15/01/2012 01:47

solidgold certainly that can be true, but I took the OP to mean people who are generally racist or sexist in their views (or otherwise demeaning) and its the people you mention who are saying 'shh' who are kowtowing to them.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 15/01/2012 01:53

When a person speaks up about something everyone else is finding funny, I would class it as coming from their confidence SGB.

They're doing it for different reasons to the 'nothing is good enough and everyone should be concerned that I think this' person.

Whether I agreed with them or not, I would respect the one who speaks up for having balls of steel.

The other person makes me consider violent action.

OP posts:
Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 04:09

I don't put up with someone simply because they seem to have a relationship with others, even if they are my friends. I am outspoken but I make a point of never, ever dragging anyone else in with me. I speak for myself, as I would hope others do. I don't get upset if a friend doesn't back me up, and I don't get upset if they disagree with me and say so, but I will look at them twice if they actively turn against me because of my point of view. Because of this I tend to steer clear of controversial subjects in real life.

On this forum tho? Anything goes.

ComposHat · 15/01/2012 05:05

As far as I am concerned, 'outspoken' and 'doesn't suffer fools gladly' are euphemisms for rudeness and ignorance.

I have been dealing (or rather not dealing ) with a colleague whose levels of rudeness and hostility I have found difficult to tolerate and has made me feel very low.

I have slowly come to the conclusion that I neither want or need this person's approval, so I will continue to offer her a cheery hello/goodbye at the end of the day, include her in the Tea round and not care if she ignores/snipes at me.

SillyOldBear01 · 15/01/2012 08:40

Outspoken is usually a euphenism for I have no tact, compassion and I'm so socially inept I don't know when to shut up.

Feel for you OP I know a few lol.

ViviPru · 15/01/2012 08:45

Completely identify with Bumble. Challenging these people or expecting them to change is usually futile. The very nature of their personality fault is their inability to recognise their negative impact on others and their resistance to self-acknowledgement. It's always someone else at fault to them. That said, I've quite a low tolerence for it. So like Bumble, for me the only solution is to ensure I minimise my exposure to this behaviour. It's very hard when they play a prominent role in your life but it's the only way to ensure they don't harm you. The very reason why I will only see my MiL a cou

BlackCatLookingForwardToSpring · 15/01/2012 08:46

Sometimes you have to not upset the out spoken person!

I have this situation with my stepdad(He is outspoken).
If we upset him at all he makes it difficult for me to see my mum. Sad
He is very controlling!
It's like walking on eggshells every time we see him.

ViviPru · 15/01/2012 08:48

... Couple of times a year and why I havent seen my brother for almost 3 years.

(sodding iPhone posted before I wanted to so apologies for lack of paragraphs/general incohesiveness)

fuzzpig · 15/01/2012 08:48

I agree. If one were to judge by MN alone it would appear that 90% of these outspoken people are MILs :o

I am quite shy and find it very hard to get my point across usually.

Hecubasdaughter · 15/01/2012 08:49

I think it's a self protection mechanism. People bend over backwards for them in an attempt to avoid being on the receiving end of their vindictiveness. When they still 'get it' they can rationalise by telling themselves it would have been worse if they didn't do x,y,z. Also it minimises other being on your back for upsetting the person. I suspect some people even do it sub-conciously in the same way that often it's the victim and not the bully, rapist etc who are blamed by society.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 15/01/2012 08:50

this is interesting, it's reminding me of someone at work....always complaining (sometimes with good reason, but often just for the sake of it); will 'turn on' other colleagues; always needs someone to be bitching about; definitely a control freak (worst I've met!) and the bit about 'weaving a web of dependency' really rings a bell.

Thankfully she'll be leaving in the not too distant future, but in the meantime I am just keeping my head down, for my own sanity. Though ignoring her is very draining. Others have told me that calmly challenging her does shut her up for a bit, so will try that if ignoring becomes too much.

CailinDana · 15/01/2012 08:50

My sister is exactly the kind of person you're talking about. When I was 15 I told her I was going to ignore anything that came out of her mouth that wasn't kind or friendly. I also told her I wasn't responsible for how she felt and that if I got on her nerves so much then she should stay out of my way. I stuck to what I said for 12 years and only caved once when I was pregnant and feeling vulnerable. She never once called or texted to ask how I was but saw fit to text me to abuse me about an arrangement I had made with our parents, which they were perfectly happy with. I engaged with her briefly then reminded her of what I had said when I was 15 and she backed down. I am the only person in our family that she is any way polite to - she is horrible and nasty to my parents and sister despite the fact that they kowtow to her constantly (even going so far as to keep her bedroom at home ready for her at all times, even though she had moved to the other end of the country and my other sister was squashed into the tiny boxroom). "Outspoken" people are usually bullies (as another poster said) and often if you call them on what they say they back down.

wordfactory · 15/01/2012 08:55

DH and I have recently decided to have no more contact with someone like this.
For years, her behaviour has been excused by her husband and others around her. 'Oh you know what X is like.' 'She's just upset'.

Well...no more.

minimisschief · 15/01/2012 08:56

well if you tell it how it is back at them you become the thing you hate.