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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by not letting my dd be bridesmaid for her dad?

108 replies

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 12:52

My dd is 14 and i've raised her on my own from when she was born. I split with her dad when I was pregnant and he's only ever been involved in her life when it suits him. He has never paid maintenance for her, actually that's untrue,he gave me money for about 4 weeks when she was 8 and then stopped again. I've never chased him for money as I wouldn't be seen to be begging off him.

He now has another 2 children from different relationships. The first one he pays regular maintenance for since he split with the mother and he lives with the second child and her mother. They are due to be married this summer. I get on very well with his fiancée, since he got with her she encouraged him to see my dd a bit more (although since they had their child I suspect dd was only brought there at weekends to babysit). When they got engaged last year they asked dd to be bridesmaid. She has been for dress fittings and everything is all arranged.

Anyway, before Christmas I lost my job and found myself in a position to ask ex for maintenance. He asked how much and I said just as much as he could afford as I wasn't out to screw him but was really struggling financially. I haven't heard anything from him since and that was 8 weeks ago. I'm absolutely fuming that he cares so little for dd. She hasn't seen him in over 4 months and for Christmas he just sent her a text! Same at New Year.

So I sat dd down and told her that I'm not letting her see him anymore, when she's 18 she can make her own mind up but as of now I'm her parent and i'm not allowing any contact between them. I've also told her that she can't be bridesmaid. It would just make me sick for him to standing there on the day acting so proud of his beautiful, talented dd when in reality he doesn't care if she starves. Dd doesn't seem too bothered tbh but i'm just wondering AIBU?

OP posts:

belgo · 14/01/2012 12:56

How does your dd feel?

cory · 14/01/2012 12:56

I fully sympathise with you- he sounds an arse and you have a shit time.

But your dd is 14: I just don't understand how you can make such a massive decision about her life without the initiative coming from her. You are using her as a means of punishing your ex. She will soon be an adult: she needs to be making the decisions about what part her father should play in her life. And she needs to be free to do that without being told what she ought to think and feel.

BalloonSlayer · 14/01/2012 12:56

If she wants to see him she should be able to see him.

If she wants to be bridesmaid she should be able to be bridesmaid.

You will be the Bad Guy forever if you do this. She will be flinging it back in your face in every argument you ever have "You wouldn't ALLOW me to see my Dad. You wouldn't ALLOW me to be my Dad's bridesmaid." And she'd have a point, tbh.

yellowraincoat · 14/01/2012 12:57

At 14, I think she's old enough to make her own decision. She'll learn soon enough if she doesn't want a relationship with him.

YABU, but I do understand why.

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 14/01/2012 12:57

It shouldn't be your choice it should be hers

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 12:57

Unreasonable doesn't even begin to touch it I'm afraid.

You are being very unreasonable and quite vindictive imo.

Your DD is 14yrs old...certainly old enough to make up her own mind. She's accepted the offer of BM and she's been for dress fittings etc.

Why the hell should she miss out on that, and be banned from a relationship with her Dad, because he's not paying you money?

Yes of course he should pay maintenance for his DD but considering you've never 'chased him' for it before, it's out of order to take it out on your DD now that you've decided to chase him and he won't pay up.

Gigondas · 14/01/2012 12:58

Yanbu to feel so pissed off with ex rather crap attitude to fatherhood for your daughter. But yabu to withhold access over maintenance - its not pay per view. I feel strongly about this as my mum did something of same - I am not saying my father wasnt a useless git but i never had the chance to build a relationship for myself and
Never will as he died when I was a teenager. That leaves a scar on our relationship too although I have no doubt she was Doing her best but sometimes I think being a parent means you have to put your own feelings aside. So I think not to let dd have a relationship with ex and be a BM a bit harsh.
Also might be better to post this in relationships (get hq to move) as might get wider audience there.

LondonMumsie · 14/01/2012 12:59

Agree with the others. She is too old to have so little involvement in this decision.

VikingBlood · 14/01/2012 12:59

YABU and I've got a funny feeling that unless you've been to court over custody, you may be breaking the law (regardless of his shitty parenting).

caramelwaffle · 14/01/2012 12:59

Oh dear.

I'm so on the fence on this, the splinters are scratching my bottom.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to be mightily peed off with his behaviour. Your ex is an arse who - by the sounds of it - loves to present those picture perfect "look at me, am I not fab?" moments, without putting real effort in to those he should be responsible for.

Gigondas · 14/01/2012 13:01

And I was about 14 when I heard (as mum was talking about it) my dad died. Didnt tell me for weeks and didn't ask if me or sis would want to go to funeral.
I am not going to go on here but that has had implications on how I feel about her.

Rhubarbgarden · 14/01/2012 13:01

I agree with the consensus. You are effectively punishing your daughter for her father's misdemeanours. Let her decide what she wants to do.

GypsyMoth · 14/01/2012 13:01

Yabu!

Very. As everyone has said, it's her choice. And as I have been through the courts myself with contact issues, as soon asthe teens were asked, the judge left it. He was quite clear that as dd was 13 at the time, it's not something which can be forced, either way

You run the risk of alienating her from yourself.

oh, and maintenance and contact should never be mixed....... Your dd is not pay per view!

Maryz · 14/01/2012 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyANinja · 14/01/2012 13:03

She's 14, so I think YABU to make the decision for her.

WTFlike · 14/01/2012 13:03

He's an arse, but she should be able to make her own decisions at 14.

PicaK · 14/01/2012 13:04

You are hurting your daughter to get at this man. You are hurting his fiance to get at this man.

He is an arse - but you are as bad.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/01/2012 13:04

If he hasn't contacted her in 8 weeks and couldn't be bothered to buy her a Christmas present, then I suspect he's already decided she will not be a bridesmaid, as in his mind, if he contacts you again, he will be expected to pay some child support. I suspect he would rather not have any involvement than have to pay anything.

He is a totally shit father and I would contact the CSA and claim all the back support he ought to have paid over the years. If he couldn't afford to support your dd, then he had no business having 2 other children. If that's not possible, I would certainly pursue him for child support going forward. I wouldn't discuss that with my dd though. You are not sponging off him, by expecting him to support his own child, so get that idea out of your head. Even if you don't spend it (once you are back on your feet), you can put it away for dd.

I would tell my dd that I was sorry to have said no the bm thing and if her dad does contact her again then it will be entirely up to her. Tbh, though, i think he will drop out of her life.

Original poster

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 13:07

The thing is, dd is just not that bothered. She doesn't even have a proper relationship with him and certainly doesn't see him as a father figure. She has always said that my father is her 'real dad' and they have a beautiful relationship.

This isn't solely over money either, it's because he has never taken responsibility for her in her 14 years but wants to take all the glory. Yes, I know that sounds petty but i've watched my dd being hurt and disappointed over the years and i'm fed up with it. Dd has told me that she was only being used there to mind the two younger kids. She was sent out in the freezing cold to keep them entertained while her dad could watch a football match in peace and told 'no' when she begged to come in. That's just one of many stories.

He hasn't made any effort to see her in months and tbh dd hasn't asked to see him either. Am I really being so horrible in saying no?

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 14/01/2012 13:08

I agree completely with Balloonslayer.
You will not come out of this well.

BackToBligg · 14/01/2012 13:08

Sorry for you and DD. What an arse he is. I think you should have a frank chat with DD and come to some consensus between the two of you. You can help her make decisions at her age because you are her mum.

saladcreamwitheverything · 14/01/2012 13:08

Agree with everyone else. At 14 she is old enough to decide for herself if she wants contact with her father or not. Meanwhile use the proper channels to ensure you are getting financial support from her father

adamschic · 14/01/2012 13:09

Very similar situation to us. Mine was bridesmaid to her dad when she was a bit younger than your DD. She wouldn't have forgiven me if I'd said no.

I would go by her wishes and ask the CSA to make an assessment. We do get a small amount of maintenance, but the lack of contact and indifference sounds similar. I know it must pain you but your DD is old enough to make her own decision on this.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 13:10

You can justify it any way you want OP but you're still out of order for banning her from being a BM and from seeing him until she is 18.

You don't get to play God with other people's lives, even if you did give birth to them.

I'm sorry but the decision should have come from her even if she does appear to be not bothered.

Maryz · 14/01/2012 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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