Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

by not letting my dd be bridesmaid for her dad?

108 replies

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 12:52

My dd is 14 and i've raised her on my own from when she was born. I split with her dad when I was pregnant and he's only ever been involved in her life when it suits him. He has never paid maintenance for her, actually that's untrue,he gave me money for about 4 weeks when she was 8 and then stopped again. I've never chased him for money as I wouldn't be seen to be begging off him.

He now has another 2 children from different relationships. The first one he pays regular maintenance for since he split with the mother and he lives with the second child and her mother. They are due to be married this summer. I get on very well with his fiancée, since he got with her she encouraged him to see my dd a bit more (although since they had their child I suspect dd was only brought there at weekends to babysit). When they got engaged last year they asked dd to be bridesmaid. She has been for dress fittings and everything is all arranged.

Anyway, before Christmas I lost my job and found myself in a position to ask ex for maintenance. He asked how much and I said just as much as he could afford as I wasn't out to screw him but was really struggling financially. I haven't heard anything from him since and that was 8 weeks ago. I'm absolutely fuming that he cares so little for dd. She hasn't seen him in over 4 months and for Christmas he just sent her a text! Same at New Year.

So I sat dd down and told her that I'm not letting her see him anymore, when she's 18 she can make her own mind up but as of now I'm her parent and i'm not allowing any contact between them. I've also told her that she can't be bridesmaid. It would just make me sick for him to standing there on the day acting so proud of his beautiful, talented dd when in reality he doesn't care if she starves. Dd doesn't seem too bothered tbh but i'm just wondering AIBU?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 14/01/2012 13:14

In the light of your last post, I wouldn't send my dd to his house, if she was just being used as a free babysitter for his kids. If she's not fussed, then there is no problem with putting a stop to it. I don't actually think that useless parents should have a right to see their kids no matter how crap they are. I think it is damaging to children to be exposed to 'parents' who clearly don't love or value them. By stopping contact (providing your dd doesn't desperately want it), you are protecting her from his neglect.

Go to the CSA

purepurple · 14/01/2012 13:14

I think you are being very unreasonable.
He can't change what's in the past. None of us can. The only thing to do is to change the future. If he is now with someone who has encouraged him to see moere of his daughter then that's a good thing. The fact that your daughter has been asked to be bridesmaid and is involved in the wedding is a step in the right direction.
I think you are sounding vindictive and a little bit jealous. It's not your decision to make. At 14 your daughter is old enough to ake her own decisions. You will not come out of it very well at all if you insist on banning her from seeing her father.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/01/2012 13:17

If you chose not to go through the CSA all of these years as you didn't want to be seen to be begging - then that's your problem.

Yes he's an arse for not paying and a complete bastard for not showing an interest in his daughter - but she's 14 now. You can't just say 'I'm not allowing you to see your father until you are 18 then you can do as you please'. You can tell her you are fed up with his attitude and seeing her getting hurt/used and that you would fully support her whether she decideds to see him or not, but that you wont be arranging it.

You can still go to the CSA now.

Maryz · 14/01/2012 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 14/01/2012 13:20

Yes, OP, your dd may not be that fussed about conctact with her father atm (for very good reasons), but what you actually said in your first post was:

"So I sat dd down and told her that I'm not letting her see him anymore, when she's 18 she can make her own mind up but as of now I'm her parent and i'm not allowing any contact between them."

In other words, you are telling her that she is not allowed to change her opinion about the situation until she is 18. That to me is definitely over-stepping the boundaries.

If she has been for dress fittings, she was presumably not that averse to the idea in the first place, until you told her that she was not to go because of your situation.

SauvignonBlanche · 14/01/2012 13:20

YABVU, it's not your DD's fault that her father's an arse.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 13:23

And she may not seem fussed no (though I suspect she just may not want to upset you) but what about on the day of the wedding?

What about when she's feeling left out? Everyone else involved and invited but she's been banned?

What about when she sees the photos of the other kids enjoying the wedding?

As if that's not enough to make her deeply resent you, what about when her Dad tells her he was gutted that she couldn't come, but it was because you wouldn't allow it?

It's a recipe to make him look like a total hero, and for you to look like the criminal in this.

ivykaty44 · 14/01/2012 13:25

tis child abuse to leave your child and not pay for their upkeep.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 14/01/2012 13:26

At 14, she is more than capable if deciding for herself. By all means explain to her your reasons, why you are angry and how much it hurts you. There is every chance she will back you up anyway. But don't ban her from seeing him. You will be the bad guy, maybe not now, but it will happen!
If it smarts that much that he doesn't pay, hit him where it hurts. The wallet! Contact the CSA and let them deal with it.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/01/2012 13:28

You can't tell her. She's 14. She may be fine with it now as he's been a pretty absent excuse for a father, but you don't want to give her a reason to resent you later, if she feels she lost out. Let all the blame lie where it should - on a father who couldn't be bothered to contact his DD at christmas.

Get in touch with the CSA and explain that he's never paid for her - be careful if you claimed benefits during this time. You should get backdated payments.

Don't lower yourself by banning her from seeing him. And getting financial support from him for the child he helped create is not being 'dependent', it's making him fulfill his debt to his DD.

HowlingBitch · 14/01/2012 13:28

You know what? I think YANBU. I'm so sick of reading about these fuckwit dead beat men who think it's fine to please themselves when it comes to their children. You dd is 14 and her "father" is setting a terrible standard for her when it comes to men.

Sit her down and talk to her about it again, Find out how she really feels about the whole thing.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 13:29

It's also child abuse to use your child's right to contact with their parent, to make a point ivy

Debs75 · 14/01/2012 13:29

You should let her make her own mind up about it.
It sounds like she doesn't really enjoy going to his and feels put-upon.
Please, please don't tell her that her dad is the worst dad on earth and relay all the times he has let you both down. A child doesn't need to hear it and it does make you look bitter.

Get in touch with the CSA, as other said it isn't begging for money it is only what a normal decent man would pay.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/01/2012 13:30

I wonder how far back the CSA can go in assessing what he owes? Anyone know?

AThingInYourLife · 14/01/2012 13:30

I agree with most of the others. She's old enough for this to be her decision.

Must be hard for the kid having such a lousy Dad.

At least she has a great Mum who loves her :)

Original poster

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 13:32

Thanks for all the advice, I really do appreciate it. I understand that I may be coming across as vindictive and jealous but really i'm not. I get on great with his fiancée. I had a chat with her before and she told me how disgusted she was at him for the way he treats dd and that's why she tries to make her feel involved. I told her how much I appreciated that and at the end of the day it's his loss, she's a wonderful child and he's the one missing out.

I'll have a proper chat with dd later on. When she was first asked to be bridesmaid she was really excited but I noticed even before this happened that she wasn't that bothered anymore. I've always let her have whatever contact she wanted to have with him but even though he hasn't asked to see her in ages she hasn't asked either iykwim? She has a great relationship with his mum and sees her more often.

Gosh, I don't know what to do for the best. I feel like he's making a fool of her and it hurts to watch it.

OP posts:

whatstheetiquette · 14/01/2012 13:36

Please go to the CSA. It doesn't equate to begging him. Instead, why don't you consider this: she's is his child and he hasn't paid for her. By paying his share for 14 years, you have been subidising HIM for 14 years.

I do agree with the general feeling that at 14, you DD should make the decision to be a BM or not. However, I would give her the whole truth and make it very clear that you have asked for money to feed her as you have lost your job and none has been forthcoming.

HowlingBitch · 14/01/2012 13:38

He is making a fool out of her, You and himself. He obviously cares much more about his other children as he has no problem providing for them.

Why should OP have to be the one to ask for money, Why? Surely it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that kids cost money and as her father he should be providing it? HE should be offering the money for HIS child.

cory · 14/01/2012 13:40

I think I would sit her down and say "look here, I got a bit carried away the other day, I didn't really mean that I am going to make the decisions about how much contact you have with your father, I just got upset because I care about you, But you are growing up and it is really your decision to make. I will always be there for you and support you whatever you decide."

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/01/2012 13:41

You are being very OTT re the "leaving her to starve" comment, you should be getting tax credits and child benefit for her not to mention other benefits if you are not in work so lack of food should not be an issue.

You both sound as bad as each other, you cant withhold access for lack of money as children are not "pay per view" and he is being unreasonable for lack of contact and support. If you want maintainance then go to the CSA, if you didnt claim it before for your own reasons then you cant throw this at him now as it was your decision.

Let your daughter decide for herself, she may be telling you want you want to hear for fear of upsetting her. Allowing her to make her own decisions will have a better impact on your relationship when she is older.

Thumbwitch · 14/01/2012 13:43

I think you should leave the decision up to her now. I do understand your feelings, but as others have said, she's old enough to make that decision by herself.
If she doesn't want to do it, she will have to tell her 'father' and his bride so - they (she) may try to cajole your DD into going ahead with it, your DD may wish to do so to keep the peace.
Or she may think "fuck the lot of 'em, I'm only there to babysit the little ones anyway" - which may be why she's been asked to be bridesmaid, thinking about it - are the little ones also bridesmaids? Are there any other older bridesmaids who would be able to take charge of them?

Leave it up to her but let her know you support her decision entirely and you will not allow her to be browbeaten into going if she doesn't want to (or conversely, NOT going if she really does want to)

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 14/01/2012 13:45

I know this is projecting slightly, but it could well be that secretly, she wants his attention, and the offer to be a bridesmaid made her happier than you realise. It's hard to know that your dad isn't really interested.
By denying her, you are taking that away.
On the other hand, she may not be bothered, but you don't necessarily know what is in her mind.
I really think you need to let her decide.

QuickLookBusy · 14/01/2012 13:45

Agree with what cory just said.

missduff · 14/01/2012 13:46

I can see your point, I also split with ex when I was pregnant and he doesn't make much of an effort for/with him. I get £5 pw through CSA lol.
It makes me mad to think of him showing him off, acting proud of him when he has nothing to be proud of, everything he is is because of me, the things I have taught him and the decisions I have made for him.

So I totally get that you don't want him to be showing her off as though he he is responsible for making her what she is today when actually she is your doing.

BUT I do think it needs to be your dd's decision. She's 14, she's not really a kid anymore, she's a young lady (almost).
I know you are just trying to protect her cos u can see he's not treating her right but all you can do is be there for her if/when she gets hurt.

You said she's not bothered anyway so maybe if you point out what a loser he is in an adult way then she'll maybe decide that she doesn't want to be part of the wedding, but it needs to be her decision.
Telling her that she is not allowed will only hurt her more, she's going to feel excluded from his wedding and new family and it will make her resent you.

My dad was a bit of a loser too but I could see it for myself, especially once I got older. Kids aren't stupid and they can spot a bad parent.
The best thing u can do is just love her and she'll come to the right conclusions in the end.

ivykaty44 · 14/01/2012 13:49

I wonder how far back the CSA can go in assessing what he owes? Anyone know?

From the day that you telephone them and start the claim

Flip

1 2 3 4 5