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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by not letting my dd be bridesmaid for her dad?

108 replies

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 12:52

My dd is 14 and i've raised her on my own from when she was born. I split with her dad when I was pregnant and he's only ever been involved in her life when it suits him. He has never paid maintenance for her, actually that's untrue,he gave me money for about 4 weeks when she was 8 and then stopped again. I've never chased him for money as I wouldn't be seen to be begging off him.

He now has another 2 children from different relationships. The first one he pays regular maintenance for since he split with the mother and he lives with the second child and her mother. They are due to be married this summer. I get on very well with his fiancée, since he got with her she encouraged him to see my dd a bit more (although since they had their child I suspect dd was only brought there at weekends to babysit). When they got engaged last year they asked dd to be bridesmaid. She has been for dress fittings and everything is all arranged.

Anyway, before Christmas I lost my job and found myself in a position to ask ex for maintenance. He asked how much and I said just as much as he could afford as I wasn't out to screw him but was really struggling financially. I haven't heard anything from him since and that was 8 weeks ago. I'm absolutely fuming that he cares so little for dd. She hasn't seen him in over 4 months and for Christmas he just sent her a text! Same at New Year.

So I sat dd down and told her that I'm not letting her see him anymore, when she's 18 she can make her own mind up but as of now I'm her parent and i'm not allowing any contact between them. I've also told her that she can't be bridesmaid. It would just make me sick for him to standing there on the day acting so proud of his beautiful, talented dd when in reality he doesn't care if she starves. Dd doesn't seem too bothered tbh but i'm just wondering AIBU?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 14/01/2012 13:53

You both sound as bad as each other, that's really offensive comment IMO,

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 14/01/2012 13:53

YABU.
I sympathise with you and your DD.
And please try to sort out the maintenance issue.
But this isn't how to do it.
But it should be her choice.

RuleBritannia · 14/01/2012 13:55

Does your DD's father's name appear on her birth certificate?

Original poster

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 13:56

I'm not sure if it makes any difference but i'm in Ireland so it's not the CSA. I'd have to go to court to apply for maintenance. I was going to do that years ago but he threatened to give up work so that if I did go to court i'd get sweet FA. That's how nice he is!

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 13:57

Which comment was offensive ivy?

RuleBritannia, no his name isn't on the birth certificate.

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 14/01/2012 13:59

'child abuse' worra? dear oh dear, what planet r u on?
Like already said before, let your DD decide what she wants to do, by the sounds of it she doesnt want to be a BM anyway but its up to her to decide. If she doesnt want to, its perfect fine for u to be her advocate if she feels awkward about going to dress fittings then having to let them down, thats perfect fine, tough shit he deserves letting down, so if u want to deliver that piece of news to him, fine, but your DD has to make the decision and not feel pressured from u not to go, or pressured from him to go.

Tooblunt2012 · 14/01/2012 13:59

I feel for your situation & the hurt & anger you feel on behalf of your dd - I watched this with my cousins daughter & it is heart breaking to watch when they realise that they have a rubbish dad who doesn't really care.

That being said, as an earlier poster commented, you are potentially setting yourself up to be the bad guy by forbidding contact and therefore as hard as it is to watch, I think you're best to allow her to make up her own mind & be there to pick up the pieces.

cory · 14/01/2012 14:00

I think we can all agree that he is an arse.

But still think that it is a bad idea to tell a 14yo that until you are 18 you will not be required to have an opinion on questions that deeply affect your life.

It's not just about him, it's about how you parent her, how she grows up to see herself, how you prepare her for adult life (and yes, I have a dd of a similar age so these questions are close to my heart).

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 14/01/2012 14:05

Go to court.

Leave his job? Nice threat (and very effective so far) but I would think that his current partner would take a dim view of that!

He had a chance to make at least some amends for the years in which you have paid singlehandedly for his daughter, and this is his weaselly response - go to court, and claim what should be your daughter's by right.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/01/2012 14:05

It's not too late to go to court. And with a marriage soon and a partner and child living with him, I doubt he could afford to quit work now.

KnowYourself · 14/01/2012 14:06

Listen to cory she has very good advice

tethersend · 14/01/2012 14:07

I think your best course of action is simply to give him enough rope.

If you stop her seeing her father, you will always be the reason their relationship did not work out (presuming that it does not).

As it is, she sounds astute enough to see the situation for what it is. She knows you are struggling- she knows if her father isn't paying maintenance for her. Let her come to her own conclusions.

Original poster

fedupbeingafool · 14/01/2012 14:10

Ok, he's an arse and I can see now that I was being an even bigger arse :(
My temper just got the better of me, I asked dd had she heard from him over Christmas and when she said she just got a text I lost it (not with her).

If I went to court now i'd be afraid i'd come across as trying to ruin their wedding as it can take a few months to get a date.

OP posts:

Heswall · 14/01/2012 14:11

If the DD is so grown up that she ought to be allowed to make her own decisions then she ought to be in possession of all the facts first, like the lack of maintance and the support for the other children.

Tanith · 14/01/2012 14:13

Since you're getting sweet FA at the moment, I see your ex's threat as a bit of an empty one. I agree that his partner might have something to say about it.
While we're talking about his partner, I'm surprised she hasn't taken a good, long look at the way he's treated his ex and daughter and seen the writing on the wall because there's no way on earth I'd be marrying someone who could behave like that. Selfish, irresponsible leopards very rarely change their spots.

HowlingBitch · 14/01/2012 14:13

He threatened to quit his employment rather than provide for his daughter?

I'm speechless. Take the prick to court and tell CSA what he threatened. I'm sure the would be DELIGHTED to hear that.

What a cunt.

zookeeper · 14/01/2012 14:15

As a sole parent with an very tricky exdp I can understand how much you must have gone through to come to this but I think you are making a big mistake. Your dd has to come to her own conclusions about her dad. If you ban her from seeing him you will not feel better for it, your ddd certainly won't and you may well alienate your ex's dp.

Take (your ten thousandth!) deep breath and encourage her to go to the wedding and enjoy it.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 14:15

'child abuse' worra? dear oh dear, what planet r u on?

Flojo my post was in answer to ivykaty who said "tis child abuse to leave your child and not pay for their upkeep"

I'm on the same planet as everyone else as far as I'm aware

Thumbwitch · 14/01/2012 14:17

fedup - I think IvyKaty was quoting that first part from someone else who said "you're both as bad as each other" - that was the offensive comment, nothing you said. :)

uggmum · 14/01/2012 14:28

I do understand your feelings here and I would be hurt and annoyed on behalf of your dd. but I do feel that your dd should make the decision for herself.

I also feel that her father has the responsibility to support her financially. You should go the the csa and ensure that your dd is receiving the money she is entitled to. You could put it away to help pay for uni/her future.

My mum was on her own from me being 6 Maths old and my sister was only 11 mths older than me. He never saw us again and never paid a penny. I saw my mum struggling all the time. She did a great job but it was hard work. He lived abroad and maintenance could not be enforced. He did however, have another dd that lived in the uk and he supported her fully.

To be honest I am a little bitter. It's not that I necessarily wanted money for myself, I just didn't want to see my mum struggle all the time. Being a single parent in the 70s was not commonplace and my mum worked full time with no support network.

Spero · 14/01/2012 14:40

He is an arse. He is weak. he is selfish. He doesn't deserve her. But he is her dad. I am afraid the fate for us single mothers is to suck it up, grit our teeth and make sure we are there for our children when they discover just what a twat their father is.

What everyone else is saying.

ragged · 14/01/2012 14:55

She will feel better about her dad long term, about who he is in her life, even if she realises concludes that he's a selfish arse, if she has open-contact with him now. If she's willing to go I think she should.

My only worry would be her having too much opportunity to get pissed at the wedding. I suspect no one will be looking out for her.

Hullygully · 14/01/2012 15:02

He is a cunt

Pore ol you

It HAS to be her decision though

sleepymum50 · 14/01/2012 15:25

Yes let your dd decide on being a bridesmaid - if she says she's not bothered, just remember she may be trying to please you/make you happy as she knows what you really feel. Plus as a 14year she may change her mind everyday. Why not get her to say she'll go - and let her know she can decide on the day of the wedding ! (Assuming they are paying for the dress of course). that would be sweet revenge. If she goes then you know you have done the decent thing.

Ref access - You should let her continue, but make it clear to her and her dad its not about babysitting. she should know she has a right to refuse to be taken advantage of - spk with fiancee and grandmother. Her time with her dad should be quality time.

You have every reason to be hurt and angry - but your daughter will in time appreciate that you are the better person if you act with your head and not your emotions. My dad was like this and I didn't work this out until I was 17. I then had nothing else to do with him.

ref the money - think about this in slow time and get some advice. It won't do her relationship with her dad anygood if she also knows he wont pay out.

Good luck

FabbyChic · 14/01/2012 15:31

Fuck off is his fiancee disgusted that disgusted in him she is going to marry him, get real she tells you what you want to hear, not how she feels.

If she was any sort of woman she would tell him to shape up, hand over money and see his daughter, she is doing none of that.

They obviously share money she could give you some out of the joint pot does she?

Get real.

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