by not letting my dd be bridesmaid for her dad?

[fedupbeingafool]

My dd is 14 and i've raised her on my own from when she was born. I split with her dad when I was pregnant and he's only ever been involved in her life when it suits him. He has never paid maintenance for her, actually that's untrue,he gave me money for about 4 weeks when she was 8 and then stopped again. I've never chased him for money as I wouldn't be seen to be begging off him.

He now has another 2 children from different relationships. The first one he pays regular maintenance for since he split with the mother and he lives with the second child and her mother. They are due to be married this summer. I get on very well with his fiancée, since he got with her she encouraged him to see my dd a bit more (although since they had their child I suspect dd was only brought there at weekends to babysit). When they got engaged last year they asked dd to be bridesmaid. She has been for dress fittings and everything is all arranged.

Anyway, before Christmas I lost my job and found myself in a position to ask ex for maintenance. He asked how much and I said just as much as he could afford as I wasn't out to screw him but was really struggling financially. I haven't heard anything from him since and that was 8 weeks ago. I'm absolutely fuming that he cares so little for dd. She hasn't seen him in over 4 months and for Christmas he just sent her a text! Same at New Year.

So I sat dd down and told her that I'm not letting her see him anymore, when she's 18 she can make her own mind up but as of now I'm her parent and i'm not allowing any contact between them. I've also told her that she can't be bridesmaid. It would just make me sick for him to standing there on the day acting so proud of his beautiful, talented dd when in reality he doesn't care if she starves. Dd doesn't seem too bothered tbh but i'm just wondering AIBU?

How awful for you and your daughter, OP.

I suggest you have a cosy chat with your DD tonight. Tell her you aren't sure whether you overreacted before, and you want to start afresh on this subject and have a proper discussion with her about whether she actually wants to see him, and be their bridesmaid. Tell her that her feelings that are your priority, and you want to be objective about it. Suggest she writes him a letter to tell him her decision, and the reasons for it.

From what you've said, I doubt you will even have to "forbid" anything. She sounds as though she'll well aware he's merely paying lip service to his role as a father, probably in an attempt to satisfy his new partner.

Re the maintenance - well wedding or no wedding, your circumstances have changed drastically. You have provided for your daughter without his help all these years, when you didn't need it but let's face it, it would have been useful. Now you do need him to contribute, but more importantly so does she, so you are well within your rights to ask him to contribute to the upkeep of his daughter. I wouldn't hesitate.

Wish you well.

Tell the fiancé you get on with that as x seems to be ignoring you then you are going to have to go to court for maintenance and that you are worried that it could be seen as spoiling her day which you don't want to do as you like her but that if x had paid his fair share of maintenance and communicated with you then it wouldn't need to go to court and spoil things.

Also tell the same stuff to x directly (email/text/? as written proof) and tell his mum too if your dd gets on well with her.

Keep emphasising that timing is due to x and wedding is completely by the by.

Failing that send your dd to the wedding and when the registrar or vicar asks if anyone has anything to say, get her to ask then why he isn't prepared to pay any maintenance and how can he be a loving true husband if he is already failing so badly in his duties to his eldest dd... :o OK so probably not going to happen but might make you and your dd smile to think about it! :)

Thanks to everyone who replied. I got some time alonne with dd a while ago and had a little chat with her. Told her I was sorry for forbidding her from seeing her dad or going to the wedding as it wasn't my place to do so. I asked her what she thinks and she said she doesn't have much time for her dad as she hates the way he looks after his other kids and not her but that she'd like to be there at the wedding. Not for him but for the 'day out'. She said she'd love to say it to him about not contributing for her but that he'd just get really angry at her (to me that seemed like he's lost his temper with her before for speaking up but she wouldn't elaborate).

Anyway, I feel like crap now. I've just spent the last hour crying and my head is spinning. I know it was the right thing to do but I honestly feel really hurt about it. How can I get over this childish feeling I have now that she's choosing him over me? God, that sounds so pathetic when written down but I don't know how else to describe it. She admitted that she knows he does nothing for her, she doesn't consider him a 'dad' but yet she wants to be there and let him show her off to the world and let everyone know how proud he is of his beautiful daughter.

Wow, this parenting lark sucks at times :(

You never know, she might have a few sips of cava and tell everyone what a "great" dad he is...

You did the right thing - it has to be her decision.

OP, your reward comes from being safe in the knowledge that she'll always be closer to you and that she'll grow up with a healthy love and respect for you.

She'll appreciate that you put her first, unlike her Father

Go to court and make him contribute something towards his daughter. He has got off without paying far too long.

I think this might be more about your dd's need to feel that her dad feels proud of her. She obviously knows that he is a bit shitty, but it's very hard not to live in hope that people might change. She might well have an image in her mind of a world where her dad thinks she is as good as his other children, and maybe just wants to pretend for a day that that is so?

Sounds horribly tough for both of you. You've done the right thing, but I can understand why it hurts so.

I think I should say that the rest of his family are nothing like him. His parents have always idolised dd. She was their first grandchild and they still adore her.

Let her be a bridesmaid-its a big thing at 14 and she will enjoy the occasion and being with the rest of his family.Make sure his parents understand your financial situation then,from now on, pursue the maintenance through the courts with absolute determination regardless of his threats to give up his job.I would start proceedings now-before the wedding.Make sure that your solicitor knows that you have tried to manage alone-they will see you aren't being greedy.You go for it for your dd.

Her choice, entirely. In that respect, you are definitely being very unreasonable. She's 14 FGS!!!

Why on earth haven't you gone to the CSA before now.

Yes, he sounds like a bit of an arse, but he is her dad.

YABVVU

Your DD may be desperate to be a BM for her Dad and feels she has to play it down with you out of loyalty for you.

For her sake, you should encourage her to go and have a great time

If it helps, my best friend was the child in a similar situation. Years later, she realised that her Dad had never paid maintenance. She had a huge respect for her Mum, who kept that from her and encouraged her to have contact, when her Mum would have been delighted to sever that bond

Damn it, just read the update. Sorry

That is BRILLIANT that you did that. You come out the bigger and better person.

She hasn't chosen him over you. She is curious to go. Maybe she secretly craves his attention and keeps wanting to give him the chance to get to know her better. Only natural.

Please see above re my friend. She's under no illusions about her Dad's inadequacies in the past. However she loves her Mum more, not less, for not turning her against her own father.

Well done.

TBH you shouldn't be using her to fight your battles, however hard that is. You should have got money from him before, because he owed it to her, there is nothing shameful about asking someone to contribute to their child's upbringing. Yes he should have paid out willingly but by stopping her going, you're punishing her for the fact that he's a total wanker.

I can totally understand why this is so hard for you though, but you're going to have to just put that in your private pain place and smile and tell her how lovely she looks :(

Hi, well done fedup.

Let her do it. Just remind yourself that you've spent 14 years putting her first, and this is no different. Think of it as a shared memory for her and her step-sibling.

As she has said, it's just a day out. It's an experience, she gets to dress up and look posh and have a nice time. She's 14, and most importantly she is doing this for her own reasons, not for him. So relax, ok?

Everyone there who means anything whatsoever to you will know that it's you, not him, who has made her the lovely bridesmaid she will be.

I fully understand why you would feel angry and hurt, but when you see the photos of her all dolled up in her dress (there will be at least one of her on her own, or with the other bridesmaids) you will feel truly proud of how beautiful, mature and together she is. Take pride in what you've achieved, including tonight, because what you have done is kind and giving.

Chin up, she will always be your little girl. You've done bloody well against all the odds, and she knows it and will understand all the more as she gets older.

Now, on Monday, get yourself sorted to take him to court. Wedding or no wedding, he's her dad and she needs him to pay his share.

What a shit thing asking her to be bridesmaid, he's asking her to wait on a woman in public so he can declare, again in public that he values his new woman far above her own mother, and to declare his love for this new woman and her kids in front of her while she's had nothing from him ever in terms of love or financial support or any form of demonstrated love.

He's a bastard, does she have to then move in and clean the house for him as well?

I think you were right saying she should not be his bridesmaid, it's validating his foul treatment of her as she endorses his new family over her own mum and herself.

And yes, he can't be bothered when she's little but now he can parade her in public and show off, he's ok to have her around? Yuk, I knew a bloke like this, did absolutely shit all at home and never helped bring up his kids then turned up when his daughter was winning prizes at shows he starts turning up saying "she's my daughter, I'm so proud of her" etc and she actually turned to him and said "you never helped me or lifted a finger to help mum and you're a hypocrite" in front of everyone. Ah, nemesis.

I hope she gets a BLOODY GOOD bridesmaid gift.

You clearly were being unreasonable because she has said she does want to go and does want to be BM - glad you have come to your senses. She is 14 - her Dad, her life her choice. Perhaps she didn't let on she was bothered before because she know it's not what you want to hear.

A child should never have to choose between the parents - going to his wedding doesn't mean she loves you less, there is plenty of love to go around.

I have been in a very similar situation and completely understand how you feel...what you have done (allowing your dd to make her own decision) is the right thing. Even though it's hard right now, in a couple of years she will be old enough to form her own opinions based on her own experience - and she will love you for giving her that opportunity.

I already posted similar to this, but secretly, this could mean more to her than you think. My dad was not much use and contributed very little. He used to disappear and leave us with WSM. I always felt like I wasn't the favourite but even though I knew he was pretty crap, Inside I craved his attention. Even more when he had another daughter who lived wIth him.
I think If she didn't go, it could possibly be make her feel worse.

One day is nothing compared to what you do for her, regardless of wearing a fancy dress etc. She is not choosing him over you. She will be grateful years down the line that you let her go despite your anger at your ex.

at the fiancee, however nice she tries to be to your DD, marrying him anyway although she doesn't like the way he treats his daughter. No way would I hitch up with a man like this. She is fooling herself to think it will be any different with her if/when they have kids.

I undersand why you feel the way you do OP. But this is a historic day in her family's life - even if you don't think it is. And she should be there if she wants to be. She is not your property, she is her own person in her own right. She is not an extension of you and therefore your hatred (whilst justified 100%) towards her Dad is not extended in to her mind. i.e the fat that yo hate him doesnt mean she does.

She sounds fairly together and relistic about everything - not hero worshipping her Dad but realising he's a bit pathetic - yet wanting to be a part of his life. I can understand why she would want to be there when he marries, a second marriage is as much to do with the children from both sides as it is the couple IMO.

She does get on well with his mother, and with her step mum, who sounds decent and kind. So she should be there. To use an over-used quote, "children are not pay-per-view", her relationship with her Dad has zero to do with what he pays. That is for you too work out legally and between the two of you.

I hope you find a way to rise above this horrible stuff so that your DD is free to make up her own mind about her parents.

Well done OP - you did a good thing. You are, I think, over-reacting to her decision though - she's 14, she's got the chance to dress up and be part of a big show! This is not unusual. It in no way means that she has "chosen her dad over you" - she'd probably have wanted to do it for the people down the street if they'd asked her!

So. Her grandparents will be there too, no? She will be with them, lovely people who have always paid attention to her. She will also be visible to her father's friends, who may not even be aware of her existence until now - so that won't do him any favours in the eyes of the right-minded, will it?

Get over the idea that he is showing her off - no he's not. If anything, she is showing herself off and is more likely to show him in a bad light than anything else, especially if people ask her about him.

Give yourself a hug - you probably need it - and think about this from a different point of view. It will be fine.

If it makes you feel better my dad was a dick still is actually but for years i still gave him time even though he only bothered with me when it was to annoy my mum and my poor mum who done everything for me was at times left out in the cold, i think sometimes i wanted him to want me so much i'd put up with anything from him but once i got older i realised what an idiot he was and how little i needed him in my life.

I don't speak to him now not like a falling out just don't phone him and he doesn't phone me but am so close to my mum i see her everyday and she is one of my best friends as well as my mum. My mum never stopped me seeing him even though it killed her, i think if she did it would have caused problems between me and her. Ur DD will realise sounds like she's on the way to realising you just need to let her find her own way there.

I think you've done really well Fedup - she's not choosing him over you, although I can understand how hard it is for you. You should be proud of yourself - we'll done.