WHY is it ok to make shitty "fat" comments?

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

I'm fat and I know it. I've
been out with a friend in an unfamiliar pub tonight, drinking with his friends who I don't know and just met tonight. I thought all was going ok, we were all having a laugh, chatting nicely, not too many awkward silences you can sometimes get...
So, I was getting picked up as a favour by my mum and joked about how if she forgot it was "only 7 miles" etc and I didnt mind walking in this weather. This fucking guy said loudly, "you don't look like bothered before - why the fuck start now?" In a horrible piss-taking voice.
I just went scarlet and everyone did that "heads down" thing where you pretend you havent heard. I had to sit there with a horrible rictus smile on my face until I could reasonably nip out.
I'm just down. Of course I'm not happy with my size. But I don't deserve shitty comments from a virtual stranger when I've tried my best to get to know a new crowd of people. Felt totally unsettled and began to feel everyone there must have been secretly whispering/laughing about my size when I was in the loo, etc.
The dick was going out for fags every two seconds - I would never dream about making a comment on the state of his lungs - why's fat an ok target?

Usual apologies for length and sel-pitying nature of post - just feel sad.

redpanda Good for your other colleague though!

This isnt stealth boasting but I have been congratulated over and over for losing 'baby weight' after all my pgs. Always by women. It is not something I think about at all really. I have moments off panic when the babies are a couple of weeks old and I think my pot belly will look like that forever but apart from that - I just dont think about it.

So why are women so conditioned to praise me for being thin after having a baby? For me it is definately down to body type and terrible eating habits and nervous energy. Not being healthy, working hard at the gym or even looking after myself.

It is just the way I am and I dont put on a lot of weight in pregnancy and its all in two places, belly and boobs.

It makes me feel uncomfortable and i have to sort of smile weakly and mutter thanks. What else am I to say?

It wouldnt enter my head to comment on a new mother's weight!

But the obligatory bikini shot for every sleb A-Z surely cannot help. Didnt have that pressure when I had my eldest children 20 years ago.
It is SO different now.

I think it is a shame that so many people do the "he is a tosser, think no more about it" tac.

whilst i agree, he is a tosser and you shouldn't dwell on his comment too much. If he had made any other "ist" comment then there would be outcry.

There will of course be people who will say that it is different to racism etc because you can choose not to be fat. Those people are ignorant twats.
No one chooses to be over weight. If staying slim was easy then there wouldn't be so many who are well into the overweight - obese category.

Until society stands up and publicly denounces such comments there will forever be arseholes willing to offend.

I think the correct response to this would be something along the lines of 'I may be overweight but you are an arsehole. At least I can go on a diet. What can you do about your problem?!'. Really sorry that you had such a horrid experience but it is totally his problem, not yours. Please don't be down.

I don't care if you'd just met them, one of a table full of people ought to have fucking well called out what was a stupid and horrible comment.

I've always had comments about my weight too, but the other way round (I'm tall and quite lanky slim, but I wouldn't say skinny). People feel that they can comment on what I'm eating e.g. if I'm eating an apple 'No wonder you're so thin if that's all you eat'. Yes, because all I EVER eat is apples.

Anyway, sorry, hijack, but if it makes you feel any better, OP, you are definitely not being U and you are not alone! If your friend asks you out with that group again I hope you say no, and explain exactly why. I'd be interested to hear what your friend has to say about this member of the group.

i know how it feels the bloke is a wanker and i would have verbally destroyed the little tosser in front of everyone.
Ive had remarks made to me about my weight going from a slim size 12 to a flabby gross 18 - 20 i feel sick when i see myself in the mirror and i am all too aware that men don't find me attractive and i wouldn't expect them to.
but what i do expect is for people not to point out how fat i a as part of their entertainment.
i got from my friends dad "oh you would have enjoyed going to this event we went to at the weekend". me: "oh really whys that then?" friends dad "because it was sponsored by a cake company and there would have been plenty of free cakes for you". me: "oh right". Fuck off cunt!
and another charming greeting of his "hello fatso"!

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have been there a thousand times

The very occasional times I've been drunk brave enough to challenge people who made these comments, either strangers, acquaintances or, sadly, family, it's made things so much worse and drags out the humiliation. Maybe I just do it wrong but no one ever thinks they're in the wrong, just find it amusing they've got to you and drag out any further fat/ugly comments. Any time a friend has stuck up for me, I've hated it and just thought 'shutupshutupshutup' because the attacker has just dragged out his attack on me through her and I have then have the pity of the friend to deal with!

My brother was ribbing me once about my weight and I just said 'shut up, I know I'm fat', he said, entirely innocently and genuinely; 'really? you know you're fat? I thought you didn't realise because you never take any notice when some one says something'. I ALWAYS noticed, just learnt to give no reaction or they'll realise what a sore point it was and prey upon it

I don't know the answer...just don't breed with the fuckers and hopefully their attitudes with die out?

I've also lost a lot of weight in the last few years and got into running marathons and had all the scathing 'thin', 'anorexic' comments from female friends and family memebers.

Now I'm pg and getting fatter their relief is obvious.

You can't win...cunts will always be cunts and always be keen to invent and point out supposed defects in you.

Some gems said to me;

'you'd be good looking if you didn't have all that fat' -my gran

'Now THAT is a fat arse' - 2 strangers walking behind me

'struggling with the baby weight luv? ahahaha' - a stranger whilst I was pushing my friends baby

Him: 'have you lost weight?' Me: 'No' Him: 'No, didn't think so! hahaha' Uni acquanitance, in front of everyone

'EARTHQUAKE!!!' - shouted by a stranger when I walked in to pub

'Want some speed, luv? Help burn off all that fat' - drug dealer in a dodgy club

I'm fat too and people can be incredibly rude. I find the best come back is to look them in the face and say politely, with a great big smile,' Wow. Did you mean to sound so rude?'
They almost always back down, although I did have one who said 'yes'.

I've been fat, very fat, just lost over 7 stone recently and find people are still so fecking rude about it to me at work, oh you must feel SO much better, oh don't you enjoy life so much more, oh what does yr husband think?
REALLY bugs me as I wasn't ill I was fat, uh I enjoyed life before? Fat people still have friends and go out and what the deck has my husband got to do with it? He doesn't own me.

Wwankers

Totally agree that we fat people (gosh guess I'm not anymor) are bullied all the time and it shows how badly when you look at reader comments in the mail.

I hate the fact that I instantly shot back to feeling exactly how you felt in response to this prat. I had it all the way through secondary school, as was tall and built like a rugby player! I even was insulted by parents that had a good laugh 'corrr look at that fat cow' que eating pies comments etc

My confidence got lower and my weight gain got higher, but I eventually began to expect everyone thought I was disgusting etc and got quite 'tough skin'.

However, over the last couple of years, being surrounded by typically more sensitive and normal adults, my confidence has soared. But I have had the occasional horrid comments, and it takes me days to get over it (and maybe a few tubs of icecream too).

I really don't understand why people think they have the right to be such insensitive wankers and charade it in their own warped sense of humour. I also hate that I am so upset that I don't have a decent come back!

Bloody hell! There are some absolute bastards about. PickledGerbil I am just shocked and feel so sad at the comments you've received. Reminded me of another delightful stranger who, in pub decided I was the perpetrator of a vile fart. He said, "what HAVE you been eating, love?" Then (to his mates) "Or should that be - what HAVEN'T you?"

I just hate it all some times. Of course I want to be smaller, and I know this will only happen when I make conscious changes to me lifestyle, but big or small I am PERSON. How would these gobby, vile idiots react if someone offended their mother in such a way?

QOD I am so impressed at your massive weight loss! Though I agree the comments are incredibly annoying. As if you were a depressed wreck when you were bigger, and your husband "tolerated" you.

He probably thought he was 'funny' and may have been jealous of some aspect of your personality.

He wanted to bring you down. I bet if challenged he would have said it was a joke and he may also have had the cheek to say he was trying to help.

Spur you on to diet as being fat isn't healthy. Must have been very, very humiliating. Full of excuses for being impolite and hurtful.

I know it is hurtful for me. I get stared at, comments. I was called 'slim' yesterday, it is very obvious I am the opposite. This kind of prejudice abuse terrifies me.

Prejudice is everywhere :(

Pickle is spot on.
The 'shutupshutupshutup* goes through my head too if a friend stands up for me in the past. So glad you shared x

Thats shocking , it really is.

I'd actually be more upset that no-one pulled hi up on it, but as you said people were probably embarrassed trying to pretend they hadn't heard.

I'm sorry OP that some wanker ruined your night.

Without being too sizist, he probs just had a small penis.

Why is it the ungly wankers who feel they can get away with it. Many of them are permanently single. I wonder why!

OP, I'm not surprised you feel sad. What a dick.

It is NOT ok to make comments like this. Obviously. You shouldn't feel sad because (and apologies if someone has said this already) you can be good looking, charming and sexy without being skinny but he will always be unsexy, unattractive and dumb because he thinks like that.

Alas, some people will find a way to be an arsehole. I've been on the opposite end. I'm pretty slim and I've had some pretty dodgy comments - "how do you eat cakes and stay skinny? do you throw them up?" was one recently and so on. Unfortunately, lots of people feel entitled to comment on peoples' body shapes.

I hope I would be seen as an attractive person no matter what size I was. But I would never find someone who thought the kind of comment you received was funny in any way attractive.

My favourite fat comment comeback has got to be one I read in, I think, Caitlin Moran's book:

"I'm only fat because everytime I fuck your dad he gives me a biscuit"

Will definitely use that one next time I get a comment

Do fat men have to put up with the same level abuse?

TheCrackFox - I was about to say no, but actually, I think men do banter about each other's weight a fair bit. Or SOME men, anyway. I can imagine it's probably hurtful to some men who might feel sensitive about their size. I just think it's one of those subjects that best stayed away from.

Chocobo (do you play FF by any chance??) I like that response, but I reckon many men would recognise it as an altered version of a famous cricket sledge and therefore wouldn't be offended.

Obviously I don't condone physical violence (most of the time) but I sometimes wish I could give a well-timed elbow to the nose to these rude idiots!

Afterthought -
CrackFox - Actually, the way men banter about each others' weight doesn't contain the same spite, vitriol or cruelty is does when they direct it at a woman. It's quite often comments along the lines of "wheeey Big Man, etc" "All bought ad paid for.." type crap. So really, a whole different kettle of fish.
Sorry if I'm rambling, it's just got me thinking.

There isnt the stigma attached to being overweight for a man generally, although I know one of my db's and my dh have been hurt by friends comments in the past but not shown it.

There is a much more "all rugger/footie boys together" attitude about it. Although if dh feels he needs to loose weight he is far more pragmatic than me. He eats salad for 2 months. I feel as though my battle is continual.

i was in the supermarket - Co-Op - last night and I was being stared at as if I was a freak, because I'm fat, by a 6ft woman, (who one would think would know about prejudice).

It ruined my evening being looked up and down with raised eyebrows as if I'd just escaped from the zoo

It hurts

my OH is very sensitive about his weight. He does a job where he has to supervise football louts, people out on the pee etc and gets abused all the time, which does hurt but he has to be quick with a come back or else he loses all authority if he were to throw a strop or be precious about it.

once i have been reduced to tears - when i was about 20, about half the size i am now LOL - and at a wedding. The mother of the groom came up to me, didnt bother with hello, just said god arent you fat now! IIRC I had just had a baby. I felt so crushed and humiliated. Wouldnt bother me a jot now though.