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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WHY is it ok to make shitty "fat" comments?

132 replies

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 13/01/2012 22:24

I'm fat and I know it. I've
been out with a friend in an unfamiliar pub tonight, drinking with his friends who I don't know and just met tonight. I thought all was going ok, we were all having a laugh, chatting nicely, not too many awkward silences you can sometimes get...
So, I was getting picked up as a favour by my mum and joked about how if she forgot it was "only 7 miles" etc and I didnt mind walking in this weather. This fucking guy said loudly, "you don't look like bothered before - why the fuck start now?" In a horrible piss-taking voice.
I just went scarlet and everyone did that "heads down" thing where you pretend you havent heard. I had to sit there with a horrible rictus smile on my face until I could reasonably nip out.
I'm just down. Of course I'm not happy with my size. But I don't deserve shitty comments from a virtual stranger when I've tried my best to get to know a new crowd of people. Felt totally unsettled and began to feel everyone there must have been secretly whispering/laughing about my size when I was in the loo, etc.
The dick was going out for fags every two seconds - I would never dream about making a comment on the state of his lungs - why's fat an ok target?

Usual apologies for length and sel-pitying nature of post - just feel sad.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/01/2012 10:10

I also doubt it was caused by hostility to the OP or her weight, i think he just thought he was being 'funny' and was showing off in company..clearly he wasn't being funny and is a total waste of space.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/01/2012 10:11

Ditto the young guys who shout from cars, they don't even see a person, just a chance to act big and clever (they think) in front of their scrotey mates

MabelOrange · 14/01/2012 10:11

YANBU

You kept your dignity by not descending to his level by using foul language or insulting him in turn. I bet his friends let him have it after you'd gone.

There are some horribly "fattist" posts on MN and I wish MNHQ wouldn't tolerate them. But they do.

perceptionreality · 14/01/2012 10:14

It is never ok to make comments about people's weight - what a nasty, loathsome man. He's a misogynist I expect.

Poor you, am very angry on your behalf.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 14/01/2012 10:26

It is never ever ok to make comments like that. Never
The man is an absolute Cunt

I get comments and abuse all the time...last night someone lent out of their car window and yelled "oi oi fatty!"...just because they could....its shit and its horrible and frankly each and every person that makes a comment like that to any one is a cunt and I hope to god karma comes and bites them on their arse

Mittzchief · 14/01/2012 10:38

It isn't OK he is a wankingtosserisedknobjockey, and I'd like to give him a virtual ass whooping.
How dare he?

So cross and sad on your behalf.

Just imagine a chorus of MNers telling him to fuck the fuck off to fucksville and when he gets there......

I hope some thing nice happens to you and his nasty comments fade into insignicance. Have a lovely day

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 14/01/2012 11:14

Sadly fattism is the last acceptable ism. Ignorant Bastard!

I am on the large side myself and I know I could lose weight if I smoked, I liked smoking and I miss smoking, however I have lost too many people to cancer in my life (mainly smoke related) and I personally do not know anyone who died of being fat! If I had been there I may have delivered this in the form of a rant, depending how much I had drunk what mood I was in. I have been known to make a bad situation worse Wine

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 11:20

Avery to be fair no-one is going to have 'died from being fat' on their death certificate...but then again they won't have 'died from smoking' either.

People die from conditions brought about by smoking or being overweight every day though.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 14/01/2012 11:29

Worra, took me a minute to realise you meant me, I like that - Avery.
No I take your point but I personally do not know anyone who died of weight related issues, mainly because all the people I know who died too soon had cancer!

007alert · 14/01/2012 11:38

Avery I don't think "fatttism is the last acceptable ism". As a skinny person I am unable to go the canteen at lunch without someone commenting on my weight, what I should or shouldn't eat in order to 'fatten me up', 'stop me looking so gaunt' etc etc.

Maybe people don't mean it so hurtfully, but they are certainly having a dig. In the last couple of weeks I've had several people tell me that it's a shame I didn't enjoy Christmas. When I looked Confused I was told it was because I was too thin to enjoy the food and must have been starving myself throughout. wtf?

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 11:43

Oh sorry I did read it as Avery Blush Grin

I see what you mean but obesity can increase the risk of getting all sorts of cancers.

Off the top of my head, it increases the risk of breast cancer, colon cancer, kidney and thyroid cancer.

Pedallleur · 14/01/2012 11:44

He was a knob - of course he was handsome/rich/toned/great-job/very clever/full head of hair/tall so as a perfect specimen of manhood he could say this. If you were fat/thin/large or small-breasted/wore glasses etc he would have made a comment so forget about it

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 14/01/2012 11:53

Sorry 007, thats awful too! perhaps I should have said sizeism!!!

I have a very large colleague who comments negatively on a slim colleague but I see that as jealousy tbh.

Anyway we all agree that this bloke was a pig ignorant bastard, and that the OP should make a wax model and stick pins in it forget about him and get on with her life!

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 14/01/2012 11:55

Sorry 007, thats awful too! perhaps I should have said sizeism!!!

I have a very large colleague who comments negatively on a slim colleague but I see that as jealousy tbh.

Anyway we all agree that this bloke was a pig ignorant bastard, and that the OP should make a wax model and stick pins in it forget about him and get on with enjoying her life!

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 14/01/2012 12:07

Morning everyone - thanks for all your supportive comments- it's horrible to read the things some of have you have experienced - and you're right, it IS the deeply unatrractive, inadequate members of the male sex who tend to do this. In fairness it's not just fat. I was waiting at the bus stop where an attractive woman was putting on her foundation with a little mirror. A bloke in a car leaned out and went SLAAAAAAAAAAAG. It was horrible, the poor woman looked really upset.

Just to clarify, I was only there with one friend and I'm pretty sure he didnt hear the comment. The other people at the table were my friend's friends, if you see what I mean. Some of them had the grace to look embarrassed.

I'm not feeling down about it any more as the general consensus here is that he was a twat (a baldy, unattractive twat who smokes and drinks far too much, as far as I can see.)

I just need to get up the courage to have one of these brilliant comebacks ready on the tip of my tongue...

OP posts:
Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 14/01/2012 12:56

Woo Hoo you Go Girl!!! x

laptopdancer · 14/01/2012 13:06

I have been both extremes. I have been 7 stone and very underweight and I have been obese.
BY far the worst comments and attitudes came when I was obese. No contest.

laptopdancer · 14/01/2012 13:12

I could tell so many stories. Once I went into a clothes shop and started browsing.A shop assistant made a bee line for me an said very loudly " Im sorry but you wont find anything in this shop at YOUR size". I was mortified and mumbled something about getting a gift for my thinner sister and shortly slinked out of the store.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 14/01/2012 13:25

I like the 'did you mean to be so rude'. I think that challenges people without stooping to their level and puts them in a position where they have to think about and justify their actions.

I feel very sad for you op, I'm glad you are realising it's him with the issues, not you. I'm another who thinks others there should have challenged him, I mean who wants to be friends with a wanker like thatHmm

I used to be overweight and put up with comments from family for years when I was a child. I am a stronger person now and wouldn't put up with it. I know they didn't really mean to upset me but as far as I'm concerned I stuck 2 metaphorical fingers up at them when I completed the London Marathon! I was the family 'fatty' yet I'm the only one who has run a marathonGrin

amicissima · 14/01/2012 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 14/01/2012 13:43

I think that people who are overwieght are treated very badly and I have seen it and heard it. I have challenged it too.
It does happen to thin people too and its horrible but I doubt it happens as often unless someone is very, very thin.

I have a 'friend' who every single time she sees me says 'omg you have lost so much weight, omg havent you lost a lot of weight' [concerned face]

It really puts me on edge because I have a lot of anxiety around illness and medical stuff. I know that I havent lost a lot of weight but her saying it puts that doubt in my head.
Its weird because she is tiny.

I had another friend who did the same thing. She was all round bloody annoying but she had this thing about my size and would feign concern about me a lot. She was overwieght but I thought carried it well. She was obsessed with it though and I think she was being spiteful to bring me down a peg.

There is an idea that if you are thin you are obessive dont eat on purpose. I remember a thread on here similar to this one and it people began to make 'jokes' about thin women being miserable because the are hungry etc.

I dont think that is any better than saying something insulting about someone who is overweight and I dont understand why women turn on each other like that.

But as I said, I dont think thin women suffer so much abuse as bigger women.

(I have been threatened with force feeding and asked if I have cancer before though Hmm)

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/01/2012 13:59

I'm with Caitlynn Moran on this. Fat is a word -like slag - that is used to silence women and make them feel worthless. She suggests taking the power out of the word fat by shouting it as loud as you can (in private Grin ) until it just becomes another adjective to you, like short or blonde. She talks about seeing confident women of size 8/10 silenced by being called fat. The best response I've heard from a woman on being called fat is , 'And???' Because it truly isn't relevant. It isn't a measure of who you are or what you do and it's invariably come from someone you weren't interested in forming any kind of connection with.

It may have health implications, but I doubt very much that that the man in the pub was about to quote the British Heart Foundation advice about weekly exercise requirements or suggest low fat alerternatives to common recipes. It may be relevant in relationships, but I don't think he was the OP's type.

There's a certain type of man who seems to relish in making these kind of comments to women, and I think they're men who only see women as objects for their gratification and feel entitled to comment on the appearance of women around them. They're the same men who would call a woman a slag/slut.

FetchezLaVache · 14/01/2012 13:59

What a fuckpig! I advocate either the "How very rude, did you mean to be so rude to me?" or the "I don't look like I've ever bothered before... Oh I see, you mean I'm fat? Well yes I am, but I could diet, whereas you'll always be a rude cunt" approach.

Shame nobody spoke up on your behalf, but thinking about it, I wonder if they thought it was kinder to your hurt feelings to let his comment go (as per your preferred approach) rather than draw attention to it. Very difficult to know what to do in that situation, esp as they didn't know you very well, so maybe they just thought that as you seemed inclined to ignore rather than call, they'd better follow your lead.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/01/2012 14:00

alternatives

redpanda13 · 14/01/2012 16:42

When I started back at work after maternity leave a male colleague said on seeing me 'I remember when you first started working here. You were so thin and pretty. You have really let yourself go'. I am usually a mouthy type but I was so shocked I just stood there with my mouth open trying not to cry. One of my other colleagues came back with 'no wonder you live on your own watching all those pornos. you have a really way with the ladies' I could have kissed him for that!
The colleague that insulted me had a beer belly too but I would never have commented on it. 5 years on and the comment still stings.