WHY is it ok to make shitty "fat" comments?

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

I'm fat and I know it. I've
been out with a friend in an unfamiliar pub tonight, drinking with his friends who I don't know and just met tonight. I thought all was going ok, we were all having a laugh, chatting nicely, not too many awkward silences you can sometimes get...
So, I was getting picked up as a favour by my mum and joked about how if she forgot it was "only 7 miles" etc and I didnt mind walking in this weather. This fucking guy said loudly, "you don't look like bothered before - why the fuck start now?" In a horrible piss-taking voice.
I just went scarlet and everyone did that "heads down" thing where you pretend you havent heard. I had to sit there with a horrible rictus smile on my face until I could reasonably nip out.
I'm just down. Of course I'm not happy with my size. But I don't deserve shitty comments from a virtual stranger when I've tried my best to get to know a new crowd of people. Felt totally unsettled and began to feel everyone there must have been secretly whispering/laughing about my size when I was in the loo, etc.
The dick was going out for fags every two seconds - I would never dream about making a comment on the state of his lungs - why's fat an ok target?

Usual apologies for length and sel-pitying nature of post - just feel sad.

'In fairness, none of these people had an obligation to defend me - they'd only just met me'

I think it is more important to intervene if that is the case, first impressions last and I'd not want someone to think that I was the sort of person that found stupid and aggressive jokes funny.
Because you didn't know the people you were with, the fact they said nothing made you doubt yourself and second-guess what they too were saying about you.

It is totally not OK, I'm sorry that shithead ruined your night. What a shame no-one else spoke up for you.

Peo

People who make these sort of comments are just sad.

I was with a group of friends (3 others) in a bar when a group of 5 men came in. They immediately came up to us and started picking out which of my friends they 'wanted',
The last two looked at what was left (me) and smirked, one said to the other 'you can have her, I'll go without!'.
So I said (to everyone) 'did you hear that? He doesn't want me, he'd rather go without than pick me, my night is ruined'
The girls laughed and the men shuffled about a bit looking embarrassed.
I find that if someone says something rude and insulting, I repeat it back to them:
"you say I look like I don't bother? That's rude."
They are put in a position where they have to try justify what they have just said.

Sorry you were left with a bad feeling at the end of your night.

You were probably right to maintain a dignified silence and I'm sure everyone else was just squirming at his rudeness.

However, I would second what others say about it not being out of order to come back with a comment of your own-

"That was a hurtful comment. Did you mean to be so rude?" is the best for not sinking to his level.

"I would point out that your lungs are so full of crap from smoking that you would probably drop dead half way there, but I'm not in the habit of making nasty comments to strangers, so I won't" - oops, was I really as rude as you whilst calling you on your rudeness?

"I may be fat, but I can diet. Unfortunately, the NHS doesn't do personality transplants, so that's you ugly for life, isn't it?" - not quite stooping to his level as it is calling him on his personality, not looks.

Good luck!

Oh you poor love. He's a wanker of the highest order and you sound lovely. I have just very recently started to lose a bit of weight and I will never forget the first time someone made a nasty comment about me getting bigger. It was over 20 years ago and I still remember it because it was mortifying and I was so hurt. It's not OK, it's nasty and cheap and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Am for you.

No, it's not ok, but you are quite right, it appears to be the last form of socially acceptable bullying and abuse.

I am furious on your behalf that none of your party stuck up for you.

We live in an era were morally 'questionable' ethics are routinely displayed and loudly defended, yet heaven forbid you express unhappiness in your life by overeating.

Cunts.

(Hugs)

It's not ok to make comments like that, he has shown himself up. It's a shame no one told him to shut the fuck up but he will get a reputation as an arse so it will be him that ends up the loser.

Hope you're feeling better today and don't let that tosser spoil the fun you did have.

The group were embarrassed about being with him.

Morning OP, just wanted to see how you are today? Hope you've put the comments from that tosser behind you and are feeling better. xxxx (He, however, will still have woken up today a total and utter twat). :o)

I had a similar experience in the summer at a party at my mums house with one of her 'friends'.It was actually meant to be a family get together so not sure why the fool was there. He and his wife are good friends and neighbours of my mum. He insulted me several times by making comments about my weight (I am a size 14 having gone from a 12 to put this into prespective). Nether DH or anyone stood up for me. In the end I made a comment back and he stopped. It was made more awkward as we had family over from abroad and we hadn't seen them for years. I told my mum what was going on and all I got was "he is drunk". I spoke to her about it after and she didn't want to say anything to his wife as it may jeopardise their friendship. She also said he often picked on peopple when he was drunk but had never done it to her. That makes it all OK then doesn't it. As you may tell I haven't let this little issue go and fully intend to make a total tit of him when I next see him.There seemed little point in dealing with something when someone is so drunk but I will bring it up when I next see him sober. I think I will just throw it back at home; "Last time I saw you you were made several rude comments about my weight and were very rude.I think you owe me an apology don't you?" His wife is blissfully unaware so I will make sure she hears every word. Dick head.

Had no idea I was so bitter and twisted until I read this thread.

I meant perspective!

Got a bit carried away there... YANBU,it is not OK to amke personal comments like this to anyine about anything and people who do so are socially inept.

Definitely agree with all other posters on here (l presume all have been on your side OP - after a quick skim thru). l am not fat by any standards but have gained a lot of weight - used to be a skinny bint size 8 and could eat what l wanted etc. Now l am a large 12 14 but get away with it as am 5'8. l have had unbelievable joyous comments - from mainly women l have to say - about my weight gain. Especially when people see me who havent seen me for a few years - it is almost a thinly disguised rubbing of hands with glee. Thing is l was never ever smug about being very slim and never ever made any comments or thought any less of anyone who wasnt.

l just dont get why people do this - as others have said it shows the other person has a problem rather than you. One women was obviously harbouring resentment about my slim figure for years when she saw the new fuller me recently she said triumphantly (after muttering to her friend and puling shocked faces while looking at me) 'Oh welcome to the real world btw - now you know how the rest of us feel having to watch what we eat'.

I mean wtaf??

Mind you l did for once think of a comeback. l am very coherent when angry . l said 'No - l tend to watch my manners more - you obviously took your eye off the ball with yours'

< HA >

What a cunt.

He has a filthy fag habit and a filthy habit of making himself feel powerful/Mr Funny Guy by humilating women in public.

If only you'd said 'Well, I can lose weight- unfortunately you can't change your face'.

sorry also meant to say - why is weight fair game for other peoples comments. Certain people wont hesitate to say - 'Ooh you've put a bit of weight on' etc. But you wouldnt dream of saying to someone - 'Ooh you've gone a bit wrinkly'.

Morning OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. i can only agree with what everyone else has said, this "man" is an arsehole.

I am fat, very fat, very very fat...and so what? I hope you have a great day today (and I hope he gets a ginormous boil on his ugly bum cheeks)

I know the feeling OP, I have had some horrible comments over the years and they leave you feel humilated and tearful, and you just want the moment to be over rather than retaliate.

I do remember once walking through town on a Saturday night, minding my own business with a friend, all dressed up, and a group of men (late 20's so not kids) walked past and one of them pointed at me and said "I wouldn't fancy having to buy her breakfast, it'd cost me a fortune". I just stood there and one of them had the decency to look slightly guilty - although this was after he had laughed.

I just sat in the bar we went to for about 10 minutes trying not to cry and then went home.

I was only about 18 so have toughened up a lot these days, but that was 15 years ago and I still remember. It wasn't the comment per se but that they all thought I was fair game and someone to be laughed and pointed at. I was a kid for god's sake.

However I am a firm believer in Karma, and me and my fat ass have a lovely life thank you very much.

Btw, it isn't just weight that these twats men comment on. They see women as chattels I think and think they have the right to say whatever they like about attractiveness or not. If they think you are fit, then they would only talk about shagging you in derogatory terms as well.

Has anyone else noticed they are never lookers?

BillyBolly - good point. The kind of 'man' who would take pleasure in hurting and humiliating a woman over her weight, is the kind of 'man' who would take pleasure in hurting and humilating her over anything and everything. Most decent men would hate the idea of abusing a woman like this. And yes they are usually ugly bastards lashing out to make themselves feel better!

And re your story - want to hug your 18 year old self.

It's not OK, if it helps I am sure everyone at the table privately thought he was an utter tosser

It isn't ok to make shitty fat comments. Or height comments or any other comments.
This man is a wanker.
It really has nothing to do with your size OP - it is all about his sense of entitlement to be abusive to women.
Lift your head up and get on with your life and treat scum like that with the contempt they deserve.

So sorry for all the lovely people here who have had to put up with horrible comments because of their weight. I am very overweight to, and have had a few. Funnily enough the 1 time it really bothered me was a complete stranger - who slowed their car to shout out something abusive to me as I was walking along in the street!

I know there are nasty, ignorant and rude people in the world - but couldnt get my head around why someone would take the time to do this to a stranger in the street.

OP, as a fellow "fattie", I know exactly how you feel! And I really doubt the others you were with were laughing when laughing behind your back when you nipped out, they were probably very uncomfortable and feeling bad. Too bad someone didn't speak up though.

I've had lots of years to come up with comebacks. I've been asked by complete strangers when my baby is due and when I just flatly say "I'm fat, not pregnant", they walk away looking extremely embarrassed. When my weight is commented on, I tell them in a very indignant voice that it costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time for me to keep this figure!

Don't feel bad, he's a knob.

Duckdodgers yes agree exactly - why bother ? Its almost anger sometimes isnt it and you think why would someone feel angry towards someone for having the audacity to be carrying extra weight. l mean if bigger ladies dont float your boat then fine - move on - there of plenty of slim women around - but why the hostility?