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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Justified anger at the posters who were rude and hurtful on a past thread

528 replies

Roseability · 13/01/2012 14:03

I haven't posted on Mumsnet for nearly a year and I am posting in this section, well because I suspect it is one of the most popular and I am hoping certain posters will read it

Just under a year ago, I posted about my ds (link provided below). An Early Years Educator had raised a concern that he was sometimes having problems following instructions.

She insinuated he had serious developmental problems and was quite negative about him. I posted for advice, because I genuinely felt she had got it wrong.

The response I got from some posters on that thread was quite frankly disgusting and had I not been too upset, I would have reported it at the time. I was called names, told I was a bad mother and told I was in denial about my ds.

I know that learning difficulties can be a sensitive area, but I stated time and time again that I was making no judgement about children with learning difficulties. I was following my instincts as a mother. Still I was insulted.

In the end my ds did have a speech & Lang assessment and he was discharged. He has settled into school really well. I still think about that thread now and then because at the time it put me in quite a bad place. I know it is strangers on the internet, but words hurt.

I suppose my point is, that I have read many a thread on here, of mothers who instinctively know their child is having developmental difficulties and are met with resistence by various authorities. It can work the other way. A mother who really believes her child is being misunderstood.

I would never neglect to support my children in the best way. Anyway, whilst there are many lovely posters on mumsnet, some are hurtful and agressive. No doubt this will be met with the usual nasty quips from some, but I don't care. One thing I have learnt is that everyone is entitled to stick up for themselves. I am not posting just because I was right. For indeed, had my ds been diagnosed with special needs, I still would have posted. That it was no way to be towards a mum in distress.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/preschool/1140182-Anyone-had-problems-with-pre-school-I-think-they-are-trying-to-label-my-son-as-autistic

OP posts:
londonone · 13/01/2012 20:03

The irony is the OP now says that she sees her DS does have some traits, which is all the keyworker suggested in the first place.

Twunk · 13/01/2012 20:10

Well florie you may well have a point, but none of them were on the thread referred to.

TongueTwisted · 13/01/2012 20:15

The thing is, posting on a public forum you are going to be subjected to alot of differing opinions and advice. Some you will appreciate, others not so much.

Rather than get on the defensive with regards to things people have said that you have not appreciated, you're better off asking why they think that, rather than lay in to them. This in turn, will get peoples backs up and cause them to become defensive.

I must also admit, coming back a year later to say "I was right, so there.' is probably not the tactic to use. Instead, you have caused yourself to be subjected to more flaming, resulting in you yet again, becoming defensive.

I'm glad for you that your DS is doing really well at school, has been discharged and no more assessment is needed for him. But how would you feel if there had been an educational or development problem and their keyworker had failed to pick it up? You would not feel confident in their ability to do their job properly.

I would much rather a professional in Early Years to express concerns, even if they were wrong, rather than them not pick up on it. At least I would know they are giving their all when looking after my child and getting to know them well. Which is want you want from your childcare provider.

I really don't understand why you had to come back and post this though? It's as if you actually wanted to have a go at all those that were 'mean' to you. A year ago. Which, quite frankly, is immature.

Forget your previous thread, move on from your child being assessed and most of all, stay off mumsnet. It's obviously not for you.

Portofino · 13/01/2012 20:19

I read a bit of that first thread. People gave good advice - but OP was very rude. I can understand that from a being upset and in denial angle, but this thread is stupid.

mathanxiety · 13/01/2012 20:20

'so those of you who come on here to goad, bully, 'tell it straight' why do you?'

Did you come on here to 'tell it straight'?

I sat on my hands last time, but for the life of me I cannot understand why you thought returning to the crime scene was a good idea. I agree with those who are scratching their heads and wondering what is going on. You do come across as incredibly tone deaf.

(PS: Did your DS go to a developmental paed in the end?)

LadySybilDeChocolate · 13/01/2012 20:24

I'd just like to say that there's nothing wrong with having a child who has SN. Also, the comments on your original thread were made by people who were reacting to what you had told them. You gave the information, no one made it all up. It's bonkers to come onto a web site after 12 months and start gloating that your son doesn't have SN. Seriously. Hmm

Whatmeworry · 13/01/2012 20:39

Thsi is a slow motion train wreck, better to get it pulled IMO

bibbitybobbityhat · 13/01/2012 20:43

TIME TO MOVE ALONG AND LEAVE IT BE NOW FOLKS ISN'T IT?

Maryz · 13/01/2012 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito · 13/01/2012 20:52

I think what bibbity is trying to say is

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 13/01/2012 21:05

Oh, Rose.

Are you bored?

You received a lot of kind advice on the other thread from some lovely empathetic mothers of children who live with the challenges of SN and yet you're back to give us all the good news that this is something you need not worry about.

Not just that, but you want to start a fight too. Frankly disrespectful.

WeWishYouAMerryPisstake · 13/01/2012 21:08

Aggressive: you, creating this thread.

Rude: you, rejecting the advice/ personal experience of people who, on the original thread, had been through a similar experience (issues with dc being suggested) and had experienced the outcome (dc did have issues) so were trying to help you avoid the pitfalls (long waiting lists etc.)

Bizarre: you, asking for advice, and then becoming furious when it was given

Hurtful: you, for making people feel like your child was somehow a cut above theirs and yours could never possibly have something that theirs had. And for coming back and saying 'ner ner ner ner ner - mine's normal - see, I was right. He's not like your weird autistic ones' shudder

As the parent of an autistic boy (who is bright, articulate, sociable in his way - and very autistic) who went into denial when concerns were raised by nursery, school and a paed, and came on here with a similar OP to yours (which WAS denial) and graciously took my well-deserved flaming (I was much more tactless with my why-he-can't-be-autistic reasons), I don't get why on earth you have started this thread.

I massively respect those posters that you're slating. They tried to help you, to help you to avoid the potential problems. Think about it again: if he had been diagnosed as autistic, you'd have been grateful for that advice. But no - you're gloating and also self-pitying about your trauma on a website forum. Some of them have real challenges in life: challenges that (well done, you Hmm) you've been lucky enough to avoid by having a typical child. Well done. But you can't imagine what life is like on the other side of that fence and to come on here to boast/ whinge is in very bad taste.

I really hope that I never meet you professionally - in your role or in mine.

WeWishYouAMerryPisstake · 13/01/2012 21:10

Oh, sorry. And 'frankly disgusting': you. Well, your attitude. Don't accuse me of calling you names either, as they're all your own words, backatcha.

Original poster
Roseability · 13/01/2012 21:15

Well it seems i have been misconstrued as a nasty twat

and really i am not, so i am sorry

i just have a bugbear with the way some post. but as it happens i seem to have caused most offence

sorry again

OP posts:
shineynewthings · 13/01/2012 21:27

Roseability You have my sympathies. I too think people can get unnecessarily nasty on 'mums' net. I know people who say they don't like it for that reason. I don't think they always mean it though. For example, sometimes you'll have a scrap on one thread with a poster and another time the same said poster will post something quite nice when you want advice.

I do think that there is a sort of 'thread peer pressure' that comes into play sometimes, and other posters start following the negative tone of a few of the more aggressive ones IYSWIM (not completely innocent myself there)

I leave nasty threads now, as I know it will just upset me.

Put it behind you love. Look for the nice threads. There are far more of them than the nasty ones actually. AIBU is NOT the place for caring and sharing.

Pagwatch · 13/01/2012 21:28

'aw Rose.
You just seem to have a weird filter. You don't seem to read what people are actually saying but see offences where there is none and offend without seemingly being aware.
The majority of the posters on the original thread, and this thread for that matter, wish you and your son well. Why don't you forget this thread and either leave it or just repost saying dss assessment has all gone well and his life looks a bit easier.

I sometimes think mn relects us. You are quick to offend, quick to accuse. You sound unhappy. But you should find your happy. Your son for one would thank you Smile

WeWishYouAMerryPisstake · 13/01/2012 21:30

Shiney, the unneccessarily nasty posts and the negative tone were created on both threads by the OP. I wasn't on the original thread but have just read it and I am pretty appalled by the OP, tbh.

MariaCallous · 13/01/2012 21:37

I've read all of this thread and the majority of your last one. I've oscillated between swearing I wouldn't post as you are clearly either hugely vulnerable or incredibly manipulative and wanting to unleash such venom against you that I earn my first deletion.

Against my better judgement I must ask why now OP? Is it because your ds has just completed the dx process? If it was only about the tone of posters there is in fact no requirement to bring up the result of any diagnostic process. You have had a year and I can't help but feel that if your ds had been dx with asd you wouldn't have come back. Thats what makes me feel you are gloating and thumbing your nose at the thoughtful and considered posters who tried to support you last year.

And that is behaviour of a truly unpleasant individual.

clam · 13/01/2012 21:44

shiney for God's sake don't call her "love!" That got coldtits in all sorts of bother on the original thread!! Grin

working9while5 · 13/01/2012 21:44

The moral of this story is really that no one should ever post anything in AIBU that is very close to the bone for them. AIBU is very forthright and if you ask a question from a vulnerable place and receive an answer that is a trigger to that vulnerability (no matter how well-meaning the responders may have been), it will all end just terribly badly for the OP.

I've read the original thread and yes, I can see why people didn't like the OP's responses etc, but there is far too much name-calling going on here. I don't really get where the OP is coming from but I am fairly sure there is too much pain in these posts to call this gloating and that there is a lot underlying this that none of us will ever understand in this forum, in this format.

It is incredibly sad that someone feels so, so hurt about a post a year down the line - regardless of whether that's "reasonable" or "unreasonable" on their part, I think calling names about it is really, truly awful.

In the end of the day, the reality is that most other posters on this thread really won't remember it this time next week. That's unfortunately not true for the OP (rightly or wrongly makes no difference, I think). However, I'm uncomfortable that there's 14 pages of outrage about a particularly vulnerable-sounding person's feelings.

I hate the internet, sometimes.

StealthPenguin · 13/01/2012 21:48

I think that you need help.

You may not want to admit it but trust us all - you really do.

You've opened yourself up to even more hurt and pain because you were desperate to be proven "right". Please - just stop.

LeBOF · 13/01/2012 21:51

I think there's a lot in what you are saying, working9while5. I glad Rose has apologised too though, because I think feelings have been hurt on all sides, even if other people will probably hold onto it for a much shorter length of time.

LeBOF · 13/01/2012 21:52

I'm

Garliccheesechips · 13/01/2012 21:58

OK- I find it a little bit ironic that the OP is being castigated for..ehhh, castigating..

I don't think it's normal for someone to still smart over an internet thing a year after the event. For that OP, you ought to look at why it still resonates. Life should be enough of a distraction for that not to be the case. Why isn't it?

Many people on here tried to help you. See the good in that for what it is. As for the bad comments, no one knows you. I have had my DP and me slagged off on MN by someone who doesn't know anything about us FFS! It's pointless to take that personally. Feel bad for the people who are nasty, because they are unhappy and glad that most are not like that at all, and just move on.

And yeah, maybe stay off the forums for a bit...