My 67 year old dad, his 36 year old missus and their 7 month old baby are all irritating the hell out of me....

[Only1inthevillage]

Well, the baby not so much of course, but I am now permanently irritated / exhasperated / bored in queal measure by their situation. Obviously, my feelings of discomfort by the fact that my dad has hooked up with someone younger than myself (following a two year affair whilst in a long term relationship), and she who consequently moved in to his new home in a nano second, stopped studying for her postgraduate degree, got pregnant "accidentally" and has proved to be an uncommunicative, dour presence amongst our fractured family - I am aware that this is the root of my irritation. But purleeeese - the baby is seven months old and they still can't leave the house for any longer than a couple of hours because she is breastfed and the only way she can be breastfed is by both mother and child lying down on a bed because the flow of her milk is exceptionally fast and can only be controlled by being horizontal.......and none of them can go out after 6:30 pm because it is her bedtime and sorry, my dad must cancel the arrangement (for the second time) to take his mother out for her birthday because the baby has a blocked nose and, no, he cannot spend any quality time with his grandson anymore unless I bring him to him and his grandson will have to 'work around the baby'.............I can go on and on and on. Believe me, I've stayed patient but is this all a bit bonkers or am I just regressing back to the moody, sullen teenager I probably was a long time ago?!

Oh, god, it goes on...

"Guess who's dead? So and so's got cancer. You remember thingy, who's half caste son had a hare lip child"

It's pc hell.

I prefer "look at my ailment"

OP can sack all that off. She should be on her knees in gratitude.

Aye, if my old mum suddenly announces that a 30-something hunk has fallen for her (each to their own, I say. Taste is a funny thing. Heck, I fancy Louis-bleedin'-Walsh. And here I am giving out advice to others. I need a shrink myself). I'd be round baking him cakes and sucking up to him at every available opportunity in the hope that he'll look after the ol' girl in her dotage.

Yabu and yanbu.

YABU with the things you pointed out. As a mum with fast flow of boob milk that used to choke my baby, laying down does help. Although only until 3 months, Im not sure why shes doing it now. But maybe her baby still cant cope. And whats the surprise about needing to be back for 6.30pm? My kids go into melt down at that time, some kids do its not a pretty sight and best kept in your own home. Damage limitation.

However, YANBU for feeling a bit Fuck You about the whole situation. Its an unusual situation, Id not feel great with it.

Very few daughters react well to their father's marrying again or forming new relationships and having children again. It threatens not only their position but that of their own children. OP - you are not unusual in how you feel. It's not very nice though so try not to wallow in it.
The flip side - the new wife trying to exclude the older dcs is horrible too - and seemingly almost as common. I'm still reeling from reading Barbara Want's book about the death of her husband Nick Clarke (Radio 4). It's clear from the book that she had very little time for her stepchildren and reading between the lines they seem hugely excluded from their father's final illness, death (they weren't even in the house let alone the room) funeral and final memorial. Really chilling actually - that he let her do that but he did.

TheScaryJessie - Well it's not odd if she's been doing other things and wants a career change, or can afford to indulge her brain with no particular aim in miond, or has had to take time off to raise children: that's normal. But otherwise it is a bit odd, it's a bit this or a proper job/reality isn't it?

If a granny in her 60s took in a live-in lover, 31 years her junior, people would be appalled/sniggering. Now imagine the 30 something male lover who has moved into granny's house, was excluding the woman's natural children and grandchildren from the home. Would you still be saying "each to their own"?

As someone who has a family member being evicted from their home by his own father and his much younger new wife (who he married within 3 weeks of his wife dying, yes seriously), I would be bloody pissed off too that she is trying to marginalise the OPs family. The new wife in my family members case is insisting that they sell the house that FM has lived in all his adult life, it belonged to his mum and he rented it from her, because she thinks that they should have the benefit of it and not her husbands son. The husband, who is being led firmly by the dick, has now made his son, his DIL and their children homeless and actually sent in bailiffs despite them having nowhere to go.

In cases like this I would be asking "where is the money"?

MRsJ, there was a thread very much like the scenario you describe on here a few weeks back. The OPs mum had a much younger boyfriend who isolated her, bullied her and was spending the mums money like water. Thankfully the OP stepped in and dealt with it, he had form for violence iirc and had done exactly the same to another OAP aged girlfriend. And this was all with the support of MNers saying that she should call the police and get him removed.

Just because the OPs father has had a baby with her etc doesnt mean that she isnt a .... what is the female equivalant of a cocklodger?! :o

How horrible and selfish of him to cancel taking his mother out for her birthday over a blocked nose. I hope you made him feel guilty over that. His mother probably won't see too many more birthdays if he is 67 already. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself.

I'd tell him that since he has no interest in you or your children anymore (and given his disgraceful treatment of granny) that I would no longer be bothered seeing him. Tell him when his weirdo missus finally takes all his money and gets rid of him that you and your children will let him fester alone in a nursing home.

There is no excuse for him not leaving the house without her, she'll survive a few hours without him, every other woman does. She sounds very controlling and needy, if he wants to abandon his family to indulge her, let him know the hurt he's causing by kicking up a big stink but make it known you can be out of his life forever if that is what he wants.

The 31 years junior is one thing. The excluding natural children and grandchildren is another thing altogether.

Most people wouldn't be appalled at the age difference. I admit most would snigger a bit, but that would be all. They'd probably snigger a bit and move on. I wouldn't be 'appalled', though, I'm not small-minded and save my sense of being appalled for other things that deserve it.

The age gap is a totally separate issue to the exclusion of the rest of the family, though. An acquaintance of mine -who is same age as her dh - has decided that her dh's family (including his mother) is not welcome at their home. I don't know why.

Most of you are operating in a world of cliches. 67 yr old led by his dick; 36 yr old (shock) PhD student having his baby.Must be gold-digger/old man crisis/disinheritance scenario.
OK, I'm just one example, but here is my situation. I am 25 yrs younger than my DH who is 65. I love him with all my heart. He loves me. We are completely secure in each other's love, respect and shared interests. We have 4 DC between us, his DDs are adults with DC of their own. I work my socks off in a serious f/t job. So does he. We share and split everything financially. When I entered the relationship I put all my own assets into the central pot/mortgage. We dearly wanted to have DC together (I was/am young enough) but we lost several. It was heartache. Oh, and I GAVE UP a PhD to be with him - so I could contribute financially... given that we were both financially decimated by divorce.
Our relationship, our sadly lost babies, our home life are NOT a cliched joke. If and when my DH passes away before me (and I hope not for a very very long time) I will feel completely entitled to inheriting all of our assets. Or vice versa. Our wills upon death specify equal split between all DC on our passing. We have entered into a "moral trust" to ensure that ALL of our children living or future are equally provided for.
Stop passing judgment on people you know nothing of.

But you havent tried to alienate your DH from his family have your Grolier? Or tried, and succeeded, in appropriating assets from his family that you have no right to.

The OPs step mother and my family members step mother have done those things, and thats the difference. If the OPs SM was welcoming to her and his mother, was less demanding and needy and less rude and stroppy then I doubt very much whether the OP would have a problem.

grolier, To be fair, most people follow the same path in life: meet boy/ girl at school/club/university who are one-three years older and marry them. It's the norm.
So people get freaked out a bit when others don't do the same. Virtually every couple I can think of has a one-three year age gap between them.

grolier - You don't say how long you've been with your 65 year old husband?

Well that's true. We've worked really hard to make a strong loving family and I think we're all in a good place. But still I think the attitude to the age gap on this thread is really off. That is not what's at issue. This kind of "using" behaviour could be true of any age or style of relationship.

MrsJAP - 12 years.

I agree that the age gap thing is a bit distasteful when it is borne from nothing more than assumptions. Sadly though, there are alot of people who have seen the younger partner take advantage of the older partner, usually to the detriment of the existing family. It does happen. And that colours the view of other big age gap relationships, you do start thinking "Oh hello, wheres the money?" especially if the younger partner doesnt have much going for them in terms of finances, job, work ethic etc. Again, thats the difference with you, you have worked both emotionally and physically to contribute to your finances and to your families well being. The step mother in my case hasnt done that, she jacked her job in the day before she got married and as the DIL said, she seems to have decided that marrying him was her way to get early retirement (she is younger than me and I am not yet 40!). The OPs SM was a perpetual student who then got PG straight away, no work ethic there either it seems!

grolier - You were in your 20s then when you got together and as you say " we had 4 children between us" presumably you helped raise one another's children and are therefore entwined and unified: you've put in the hard work to create your own family glue?

It's a completely different proposition to the OP's father, whose new life appears to shun his old life, including children and grandchildren.

Very true. And as anyone who looks at the step-parenting threads knows, it's not necessarily an easy ride. We did the gluing and we worked hard to make a loving family and secure our future financially.
But still, I do think just because OPs step-mother is new on the block everyone shouldn't be assuming she is a gold-digging slut and the father is an idiot.

What...even if she is?

[evil shit stirring emoticon] :o:o

When I read your OP, I thought to myself that your Dad's wife sounded like an Eastern European and you later confirmed that. Bugger, I hate it when cliches pan out correctly.

Oh and the father is clearly a fool, anyone who has a baby when the nappy days are well and truly over is a blithering idiot. I know this because my eldest was 21 and my youngest was 6....can you guess what I did next? :o

grolier - but she doesn't seem to be doing anything to help him keep his former family close, how on earth do you know her motives are honourable? Just because she shares a similar age gap?

If you're in your late 60s and suddenly take a lover in her 30s, it is entirely normal that family and friends will question the basis for the realtionship.