My 67 year old dad, his 36 year old missus and their 7 month old baby are all irritating the hell out of me....

[Only1inthevillage]

Well, the baby not so much of course, but I am now permanently irritated / exhasperated / bored in queal measure by their situation. Obviously, my feelings of discomfort by the fact that my dad has hooked up with someone younger than myself (following a two year affair whilst in a long term relationship), and she who consequently moved in to his new home in a nano second, stopped studying for her postgraduate degree, got pregnant "accidentally" and has proved to be an uncommunicative, dour presence amongst our fractured family - I am aware that this is the root of my irritation. But purleeeese - the baby is seven months old and they still can't leave the house for any longer than a couple of hours because she is breastfed and the only way she can be breastfed is by both mother and child lying down on a bed because the flow of her milk is exceptionally fast and can only be controlled by being horizontal.......and none of them can go out after 6:30 pm because it is her bedtime and sorry, my dad must cancel the arrangement (for the second time) to take his mother out for her birthday because the baby has a blocked nose and, no, he cannot spend any quality time with his grandson anymore unless I bring him to him and his grandson will have to 'work around the baby'.............I can go on and on and on. Believe me, I've stayed patient but is this all a bit bonkers or am I just regressing back to the moody, sullen teenager I probably was a long time ago?!

she is struggling to bond and read the baby hence she is trying to control EVERYTHING else instead. Classic mistake.

My twatty SIL was exactly as you describe. I would put money on it that she is Babywhispering. At some point she will resurface and expect your involvement with her child (the same involvement being denied your DC right now).

It's a tough situation and sounds similar to the one I was in when my DS was younger.

I completely understand what you mean about being lonely and feeling deeply sad for your DS.

I suspect if you didn't have DS you wouldn't be bothered quite so much. One minute your DS had a father and a grandad and then, through no fault of his own, they are both gone and there is nothing his mum can do about it.

Yep, you probably do need to separate your feelings and get on with making your new life the best it can be. Good luck!

brass maybe, but in our case, my dad's wife doesn't really want a life that involves her husbands adult children and young grandchildren now that she's got her own family. It might be my dad's second family but it's her first and, to her, the only one that counts. She just doesn't recognise us as part of the family. My dad's daughters are 6 now.

Could you not keep in touch with your dad's ex-partner. It sounds, from what you have posted, that you got on well.Also cancelling on his mother, not once but twice, seems unreasonable to me.

Good luck to you too Folkgirl, it is very hurtful.

In our case SIL was just selfish and wanted cousins and sleepovers spontaneously when she realised it meant time off for her. Doesn't mean to say I went along with it. She is not in our lives any more (our choice) and our paths cross once a year. That's about it.

YANBU.

My best friend is in very similar circumstances to you. The difference is, her dad and his wife have gone to masses of trouble to involve her. Texting photos, inviting her to stay, actually having the conversation "I know this must be very difficult for you in some ways, please tell me if there is anything I should be doing that I'm not", making BF and her brother the new baby's godparents, etc etc etc.

The net result is a wonderfully happy family ala Modern Family that is closer and happier than they were before the baby arrived.

It's a weird situation to be 30 and have a baby sister. Being cut off from the rest of the family is NOT inevitable. Your DF and his partner are being twats.

brass thanks. It's sad though isn't it? Your SIL sounds delightful! .

It's got to the point where we are hoping dad's wife behaves like your SIL just so that I can see my little sisters and my children can spend time having fun with their 'auntcousins'. What makes it even more odd is that it's not like she has a lot of friends and family around. They don't know anyone else with younger children so it really is a case of them not wanting to be with us rather than they are just too busy with their other friends.

HoldMe now whilst your friend's situation makes me feel incredibly , it's also lovely to hear that for some people this is how it is.

After all, that's how it should be!

Folkgirl, perhaps your dad feels embarrassed and is keeping the two families apart out of shame rather than Holdmecloser's friend's dad (what a mouthful!) who is actively building bridges to keep everyone together.

Sadly not. I tried to talk to him about it over Christmas and he just told me that he doesn't "see it like that". He's the only one though unfortunately.

He has serious health issues and we've had a couple of scares over the past 18 months where we didn't think he'd make it. But at Christmas he responded to me trying to voice my concerns with a "you've got nothing to worry about, I'm going to live forever". Firstly, I'm 37 I know that's not true! and secondly, he has a life limiting illness, so I know that's not true.

It just makes me even more sad that the more ill he gets, the stronger the message is that we should allow them to spend time together without intrusion. And the more we try to respect that.

Once again I'm left thinking that whoever it was who said "parents divorce each other, not their children" clearly never had parents who divorced.

Anyway, I'm going now. I've got to do the school run and feel like I've totally hi-jacked the thread!

Do your children stop being your children because they are grown up? I can't imagen spending less time with the children and my grandchildren because I've decided to have another baby

I think it's lucky he didn't do this when the op was still a child if he can cut contact so easily, I'd be upset too, you only get one dad

The children I have now and grandchildren even!

Good grief. I couldn't have coped with my dad marrying someone younger than me, and having a family the same age as mine.

No wonder you feel rejected, OP. Plus sex across the generations like that is pretty ick- akin to incest IMO.

Your father obviously feels entitled to a young nubile body in his bed, and at the same time is being taken for a ride by a woman young enough to be his daughter. They deserve each other.

I hope you weren't expecting any inheritance.

OP - it sounds a horrible situation. I can't help feeling that when the baby is a bit older and not bfing, you will be called upon to do babysitting, and there will be lots of talk of your DS (how old is he?) being friends with his, um, aunt.

OneHandFlapping. 'Akin to incest' ?! FGS. That's just ridiculous. Anyway, this woman is THIRTY SIX not 16 so she is no spring chicken herself.
Being young enough to be somebody's daughter is a meaningless phrase. A 50-year-old woman is young enough to be a 70-year-old's daughter. You don't seriously think that there is anything perverted in a 70-year-old man hooking up with a 50-year-old woman, do you?
Sorry, but a 25-year-age gap when a man is 40 and his girlfriend 15 IS obscene but a 25-year-age gap between a 65-year-old man and a 40-year-old woman is not the same thing at all. Surely anybody can see that?

YANBU
They are such a cliche. Sometimes these situations work out well, mostly not.

The speed at which the elderly primagravida gave up her postgraduate studies is hilarious and perhaps points to a lack of insight and staying power?

Wamster - It wont be too many years before I turn 50 and the idea of me hooking up with someone aged 67 is beyond hideous.

Maybe it is to you, MrsJAlfredPrufrock, but that does not mean to say that a 50-year-old actually hooking up with a 67-year-old is hideous, does it?
Surely it's all about percentage difference? Those 17 years are a LOT when a person is 17 and their partner 34 and people will rightly bat an eyelid.

My dh is 10 years my senior. I met him in my late twenties and he his late thirties. If I had been 16 and he 26, there'd have been trouble but not at the stage of life we were at.

Wamster - it was uncomfortable thinking of my dad with someone younger than me, it feels weird for sure and no doubt a psychotherapist would have a field day with us lot!
hackmum - I hope that happens; I'd be happy to babysit. My DS is 7. He thinks having a baby aunt is freakin' hilarious - it was actually he who pointed out to my dad's partner that she was his aunt - she'd not worked out the family relationships .
Folkgirl - thanks for your posts and I feel for your situation. I hope it is resolved somehow. xx

I think cut the man a little bit of slack, he hasn't abandonned anyone, his life is like a rollercoaster now and he is dealing with it. In 6- 12 months time things will have clamed down a bit and he will be more available.

He has to devote time to his partner and young daughter now, they are in a sensitive phase, which will pass.

My dad remarried and my step mum (who is like an older sister to me) is 5 years older than me and 3 years older than my sister. She has always been wonderful and has happy looked after my two. My half brother and sister are 7 and 8 and me and my sister adore them. I just wanted to say that it is probably not the age of your step mother that is the issue, it is the way that your dad is handling it that is probably upsetting you by not spending enough time with the rest of the family. It is not always easy and we sometimes find it difficult to see my dad as his family are always busy. He does however make a point of spending time with his grandchildren. Sounds like your dad's wife is struggling a bit and perhaps a little controlling. You need to tell your dad how you feel and get him to make her understand he needs to give you some attention. Would meeting up at the weekend in the day work out better?

chocolateorangeyum You are right that it is the time thing rather than the age thing that is the heart of the matter. He recently let down his step-granddaughter by leaving her after being there for 5 minutes because his partner kept calling and telling him to come back home because the baby was crying. At that point I told him that things needed to improve - he left a very hurt little girl behind. But it hasn't really improved and I can only hope that as their child becomes a bit older their parenting style will relax a bit and make room for the wider family. Here's hoping.....

seven month olds don't have to have something 'very, very' wrong with them to feed every few hours

'You cant have your cake and eat it' because there is no way you have a traditional Dad and Daughter with grandchildren setup. It does seem totally bizarre to have an elderly parent with a new baby, but its happened and you and your children have to take a backseat now. Just get on with your own children and remember 'parents they fck you up',.

I'm 55, and wouldn't look at an old man of 67 unless he was very rich.