Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious that hubby left toddler home alone?

428 replies

Tinaland · 10/01/2012 15:48

My husband left my 18 month old home alone while he went to buy cider. It was 9pm and DS was asleep in his cot (he can't climb out) but was restless as he's got a cold. Hubby was only gone about 5 mins but I am furious and feel a bit sick that he left him.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 10/01/2012 16:59

I wouldn't end my marriage over this, i never said i would, but i wouldn't be happy, and would have a long talk about what is and isn't reasonable to me as a parent.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 17:00

ThisIsANickname. Good point. I could possibly have drowned in our pond, had I fallen over on the way back from hanging out the laundry.

We need to make gardens out of bounds too.

Ragwort · 10/01/2012 17:03

I don't for a minute consider myself 'laid back and hip' but I think it is a total over reaction to consider breaking up your marriage and family over an issue like this.

whoneedssleepanyway · 10/01/2012 17:04

I am probably going to get a flaming but I have left my children asleep in bed for 3 minutes before whilst I have popped to the shops to get a pint of milk or other urgent thing needed.

I have dialled my mobile from the landline and put the landline receiver in their room and taken my mobile with me. I know it is only 3 mins as that is the length of the call by the time I get home.

I always make sure I take ID with me, in the event that I got run over crossing the road on the way there or back.

I know that this isn't great but I have only ever done it when I have been on my own as OH has been away and have realised after the DCs have gone to bed that I don't have something essential like I have used the last nappy or something.

Like everyone said, your DC was ok nothing happened and as long as your DH knows that this is not something he should be doing every time he is looking after your DC I think there is no harm done,

Spidermama · 10/01/2012 17:05

People who are saying 'social services would be round like a shot' need to stop and have a good think about the kind of things social services will ACTUALLY be dealing with and get themselves some perspective.

grubbalo · 10/01/2012 17:05

I think that's because, SuePurbly, there are also the few people who also like to demonstrate what an absolute model of perfection they are as a parent.

Most of us probably fall somewhere between...!

whoneedssleepanyway · 10/01/2012 17:06

FWIW I agree with Ragwort that this would be a ridiculous thing to break a marriage up over

ThisIsANickname · 10/01/2012 17:06

Grubbalo perfection is entirely subjective. Fret not.

SardineQueen · 10/01/2012 17:09

I imagine he was mortified after OP pointed out to him exactly what she thought of his actions and he understood that he had bungled it bigtime.

larks35 · 10/01/2012 17:11

Have read all posts and do think there are some extreme reactions on both sides.

I once left DS in cot alone, he was probably about 10months at time. I had just got back from friends house and when I put him to bed I realised he had dropped his teddy on the way. I put him to bed (he was fast asleep) and went out and retraced my steps to try and find his ted. This probably took 10mins.

In retrospect I was probably just as stupid as your DH, OP. I didn't think of all the consequences but just single-mindedly wanted to find his fav. teddy (more for my benefit than his, as I thought he'd be really upset if he thought it was gone for good).

Neither I or DP would leave him alone to buy booze etc but I agree with other more moderate posts, that if your DH now realises how stupid and selfish it was to do this and won't do it again, then I think you should forgive and move on. And fgs don't let this stop you from having a night out again.

cumbria81 · 10/01/2012 17:12

Personally I don't see the problem. It was five minutes,.

Whatmeworry · 10/01/2012 17:15

I think the word cider has made you lot think he's an alcoholic

No, that he is a chav. Now, if it had been a naice white wine, all would be smiles :o

TheProvincialLady · 10/01/2012 17:16

I was one of the ones who said that about Spidermama and I have a pretty good idea about the things that SS deal with. I have experienced this situation myself as a child, being left in bed while parents went out to the shops to get drink/then to the pub/sitting having too much to drink while we were in bed. It isn't a happy ending so perhaps that affects my views on this, but in my opinion there is never any reason to leave a toddler in bed alone (take them with you if you really have to go out), and no amount of sarcastic I am more laid back than you comments are going to make me change my mind. I am laid back in lots of ways but that - and drinking excessively around/in charge of children - is a line I won't cross and I wouldn't tolerate it from my husband either. I guess that is why DH and I are suited, as we both agree on these things. It's a pity and a very difficult situation if parents have differing views.

squeakytoy · 10/01/2012 17:17

I think if the OP had posted that she had quickly nipped to the shop to grab a bottle of wine, was gone less than five minutes, and no harm came to the child, but her husband had read her the riot act and was threatening to kick her out, there would be a much more lenient view on here from many...

I would go so far to say that he would be called a controlling bastard and she should be kicking HIM out.. Wink

Youllbewaiting · 10/01/2012 17:20

Wine isn't alcoholic, I thought everyone knew that.

Pozzled · 10/01/2012 17:30

I'd be posting the exact same thing if it were a woman. I don't think you should leave a toddler alone in a house for anything less than an emergency. If I was out of earshot I'd take a monitor if I expected to be more than 2 or 3 minutes.

My biggest concern wouldn't be safety, it would be the toddler waking and becoming distressed.

And yes, if my DH put a desire for alcohol above care for his own child, it would shake me enough to make me consider the relationship.

larrygrylls · 10/01/2012 17:30

I don't think there is any real issue leaving a toddler asleep in their cot for 5 mins. Have never done it but certainly been in the garage a couple of mins where I would be unlikely to hear them, or gone out to the car to get something out of it.

On the other hand, I would be a lot less relaxed about anyone who could drink "2 large bottles of cider (750 mils, 8.2%) AND a beer" and be in sole charge of a child. That is, by my rough calculation, 14-15 units of alcohol or the equivalent of a bottle and a third of reasonably strong wine. I don't think anyone is really capable after drinking that amount. And on his own? That is really alcoholic behaviour.

TheProvincialLady · 10/01/2012 17:34

Sorry just re-read my post and it doesn't make sense. I mean I was one of the posters who said that social services would be interested in someone who sat getting pissed and then left a toddler alone to get more alcohol.

Spidermama · 10/01/2012 17:39

It did make sense provincial. Smile If, when younger, you felt vulnerable and neglected by parents who were drinking alcohol then I completely understand you'd be more sensitive on this subject than others might be. It makes good sense.

PurpleRayne · 10/01/2012 17:44

Gumby, it was unexpected because there had been none of the usual indications that 'ability to climb out of a cot skill' was in sight! One of my other children was still sleeping in a cot at three and despite obviously being able to climb out, never chose to do so. Children are unpredictable. That was my poorly expressed point.

tomverlaine · 10/01/2012 17:45

I'd be furious with him - but given he knows that what he had done was wrong is mortified etc I don't see what is to be gained by taking it further.
What wasn't clear to me is whether he was drunk when he decided to pop out? would be a concern for me if he drank so much he took decisions which he wouldn't do when sober with respect to the child's safety

G1nger · 10/01/2012 17:48

I'm happy to admit that having a child has made me crazy. Thankfully, it has also made my partner crazy and so we're in agreement: our child is not to be left alone.

Yanbu.

minimisschief · 10/01/2012 17:50

i think the alcohol is irrelevant tbh. No different than parents either single or otherwise having the odd can or glass of wine. And reading this board it would seem alot of parents here like to indulge in the odd glass of wine.

And 5 minutes going to a shop next door or 5 minutes in a shower or on the loo. What difference does it make?

stephrick · 10/01/2012 17:53

Ok who knows what could have happend, a fire could have broken out in 2 mins, it is not justified in any way, if he can't understand this I'd be loathe to leave him alone with your chld.

picnicbasketcase · 10/01/2012 17:58

I would agree that it's more worrying in a way that he couldn't either wait for the cider until you got back or go without altogether rather than leaving a baby alone in the house. Hardly an emergency item that he couldn't do without. Having that selfish and self-serving an attitude would be even more of a deal breaker for me.