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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be dreading DH going on this work trip? :(

126 replies

MistyMountainHop · 10/01/2012 15:38

cant even be bothered to N/C. DH has got to go away for 2 nights soon (he'll have to stay over as its 200 miles away) for a "management conference"

for "conference" read: compulsory jolly piss up Hmm

his company is mostly male orientated especially the management and from what i have seen pretty anti-women. so basically its a big group of men all together drinking and acting like macho twats

when he went last year it was awful. i ended up at the hospital the first night he was away, as one of the dc came down with such a bad vomiting bug i just did not know what to do. i was on my own with a 4 yo and a very poorly 1 yo. was trying to ring him for about 2 hrs and he wasn't answering. i was frantic and ended up having to ring the hotel direct to ask someone to go and find him. when he finally came on the phone he was clearly hammered, i was furious with him and he couldn't see why.

i am pretty sure the reason he didn't pick up his phone is because he didnt want "all the guys" to rib him for answering his phone to his wife. he claims his phone was playing up and that was why he wasnt answering Hmm

and then, to add insult to injury, later that night / early hours of the morning as was so drunk he fell out of bed and cut his head so badly he had to be blue lighted to a&e. i have done some nurse training and i know he could well have died if one of his work mates hadnt found him unconscious and bleeding. i mean ffs this is a grown man who normally is the model father and husband. .

it was a week before we got married and i was so angry i honestly nearly called off the wedding :(

aibu to be dreading this one after last year. he knows i am worried and even said me him and the DC could book a hotel in the town where the conference is so he can sleep there with us, but i don't want to look like a control freak who won't even "let" her husband go away on his own for a night or 2.

sorry this is long.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 15:42

YABU and yes you would look like a control freak.

If he can't control his drinking, I can understand why you'd worry

but the chances of your kids needing to go to hospital again are pretty slim

As for him not wanting to answer his phone in front of the others, well I'm sure he could quite simply have stepped outside.

You do sound quite insecure...is your relationship usually a good one?

minouminou · 10/01/2012 15:44

OK, I like the fact he's offered to share a hotel with you and the DC, that means he's still that model father.

It looks like a very unfortunate constellation of events, does last year's trip. You're NBU for worrying, but I think you have to go with your instinct and let him go. I think once he's back safe and sound (I bet last year shook him up a bit), you'l start to forget the previous year's horror story.

pictish · 10/01/2012 15:45

Agghhh I am feel stifled and guilt tripped just reading this!

Yabu. It's two days. Get a grip of yourself. Really.

MissCornelia · 10/01/2012 15:47

It's two nights. You can cope.

mummytime · 10/01/2012 15:48

I was ready to say YABU, but given what happened last time, I'm not sure you are. My Dh always gives me good contact details incase something happens when he is away (not that he could always do much, as he is often overseas).

I would talk more to your DH. Does he want you in the town to give him an "excuse" so he can make sure nothing happens to him again?
I would also in your situation be encouraging him to look for another job, there aren't many companies that "macho" nowadays.

SarahBumBarer · 10/01/2012 15:49

OK - he is an idiot (no question) for getting that drunk but

  • It is compulsory - you said so and my firm has such conferences too and I would be furious if my DH was anything less than supportive (and frankly sympathetic) about my having to go.
  • Many many large conference venues have truly appalling mobile phone coverage (I think it is deliberate) so I can sympathise with him about the phone.
  • You can't never let your DH go away on his own again.

YABU to be dreading it but YWBU (n my view) to act on it by trying to stop him going or going with him.

QuietOhSoQuiet · 10/01/2012 15:50

I think YABU it's just 2 nights.

my dh is currently out of the country for a considerably longer time than this with work and I know I am a little worried in case anything happens but there is nothing I can do about it

Flubba · 10/01/2012 15:50

If your DC hadn't been sick last time, the fall out of bed would have been all you'd have had to worry about (which is clearly pretty stupid, but nothing more than that).

Take a deep breath, realise he's going away for a working weekend --piss-up- - and enjoy the time to yourself at home. Your time will come, surely?

Chulita · 10/01/2012 15:50

YABU to be dreading him going and I would go and get a hotel with the dc but that's cos my DH really hates the whole macho drinking thing and would be desperate for an excuse to get away!

Agree with mummytime that it does sounds a very odd workplace/situation.

minouminou · 10/01/2012 15:54

I think that the frustration of not being able to get hold of him by phone, plus the hospital dash PLUS your DH's hospital dash combined to give you a real shock. It must have felt v traumatic at the time and for some time after.
However, realistically, what could he have done from that distance? He would have been a soothing voice, but the leg work was done by you, and you coped.

IF, by fluke (and I don't mean I hope your DC's catch flukes!) one of your DCs becomes seriously il during the two days he's away, you'll cope again. It's almost impossible that your DF will end up in A&E on the same night AGAIN!

Put some practical measures in place - hotel reception number etc etc, sympathetic not-too-macho colleague's number.....and just try and enjoy a bit of time to yourself.

PattiMayor · 10/01/2012 16:00

I think the likelihood of any of those things happening again is one in a million so I think you should just chill out a bit :)

And yes, conference venues are very often in total mobile dead zones

OTheHugeManatee · 10/01/2012 16:04

YABU, sorry.

MamaGeekChic · 10/01/2012 16:04

i wonder if he works for the same company I do.... We have a 2 night piss up conference soon I understand why you feel the way you do but if its anything like mine it is absolutely mandatory as despite the piss up bit it is actually one of the most important events of our year, i'd be really upset if my OH made me feel guilty about going.

DietintheNewYear · 10/01/2012 16:07

OP. You are being VERY unreasonable. Get a grip on y'self.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 10/01/2012 16:12

here's another thing as well: he was EXPECTING me to call, he had called me a few hours before for a quick chat and we had said that the first one to be going to bed would ring the other to say goodnight anyway. so even if i hadn't have ended up at the hospital with dc i would have been pretty pissed off and worried if he didnt answer a call he was expecting.

our relationship is very secure (or was, it was a bit shaken by what happened in my OP!) and as i said he is a good dad and partner. he also doesn't have a drinking problem in any way, in fact it is quite rare that he gets properly drunk. and up until that event last year i had no problems with him going away with work, he had been before (although not since the early days of our relationship)

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 10/01/2012 16:15

I think making plans to ring one other when you go to bed when one of you is on a piss up is a bit of a silly idea. Why on earth did you arrange that?

pictish · 10/01/2012 16:18

You really really really need to get over it OP. You sound ridiculous. Needy and controlling all at once. Stop it.

pictish · 10/01/2012 16:21

He gave your nighty night call a miss! So what?
How wet ARE you?

TimothyClaypoleLover · 10/01/2012 16:21

I think making plans to call each other when one of you goes to bed is a bit pathetic when you know DH is at a works do and likely to be out late/pissed. It is 2 nights. Get a grip. And make sure you book 2 nights away for a nice girlie treat.

toddlerama · 10/01/2012 16:24

If he doesn't habitually drink too much, he probably wont. The fact that it happened at this conference last time means it's even less likely because he doesn't want to look a twat at work two years running! He offered to share a hotel with you so he obviously isn't planning to get steaming. Just let it go and forgive him for a drunken night a year ago.

toddlerama · 10/01/2012 16:25

DH goes away about 2 nights a week, often with clients, often with bars/restaurants involved. He does always call. Not always last thing, but at some point in the evening, after kids are in bed we chat - even if it's just 5 mins. If I didn't hear from him, I would be concerned. Not because I'm pathetic, but because it's out of character.

LemonDifficult · 10/01/2012 16:26

OP, I sympathise, I don't like it when DH goes away and if it's a stag do-type weekend I feel particularly unnerved as I hate that kind of drinking and all the stuff that goes with it.

But you have to suck it up. Just cos you don't like it doesn't mean it isn't all pretty normal.

SquidgyBiscuits · 10/01/2012 16:26

If you don't want to look like a control freak, then stop bloody acting like one.

Its 2 days out of an entire year, during which you have admitted yourself he is usually the model father. And if you can't cope alone for 2 days with 2 children then you possibly shouldn't have them.

Trifle · 10/01/2012 16:27

Another one here adding to the 'wet blanket, pathetic, get a grip' school of thought.

Why would you persevere in ringing him for TWO hours when you have a sick toddler. Exactly what help could he be 200 miles away. Do you always need him to make decisions for you.

He probably sustained his head injury by repeatedly banging it against a brick wall.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 16:27

Yabu. You sound pathetic and immature. Sorry. In the real work most people have to work. That means going away on business trips, conferences, etc. You are lucky that he only goes once a year! So what if he enjoys a piss up with colleagues once a year! I dont understand why you panicked over a tummy bug and dragged yourself and the kids out to hospital for that.
If you are that insecure, maybe you can get somebody to come and stay with you?