aibu to be dreading DH going on this work trip? :(

[MistyMountainHop]

cant even be bothered to N/C. DH has got to go away for 2 nights soon (he'll have to stay over as its 200 miles away) for a "management conference"

for "conference" read: compulsory jolly piss up

his company is mostly male orientated especially the management and from what i have seen pretty anti-women. so basically its a big group of men all together drinking and acting like macho twats

when he went last year it was awful. i ended up at the hospital the first night he was away, as one of the dc came down with such a bad vomiting bug i just did not know what to do. i was on my own with a 4 yo and a very poorly 1 yo. was trying to ring him for about 2 hrs and he wasn't answering. i was frantic and ended up having to ring the hotel direct to ask someone to go and find him. when he finally came on the phone he was clearly hammered, i was furious with him and he couldn't see why.

i am pretty sure the reason he didn't pick up his phone is because he didnt want "all the guys" to rib him for answering his phone to his wife. he claims his phone was playing up and that was why he wasnt answering

and then, to add insult to injury, later that night / early hours of the morning as was so drunk he fell out of bed and cut his head so badly he had to be blue lighted to a&e. i have done some nurse training and i know he could well have died if one of his work mates hadnt found him unconscious and bleeding. i mean ffs this is a grown man who normally is the model father and husband. .

it was a week before we got married and i was so angry i honestly nearly called off the wedding :(

aibu to be dreading this one after last year. he knows i am worried and even said me him and the DC could book a hotel in the town where the conference is so he can sleep there with us, but i don't want to look like a control freak who won't even "let" her husband go away on his own for a night or 2.

sorry this is long.

Okay, look its you and you don't like being alone and feel you can't cope without your DH being close by to tell you what you should do. That's okay, if that's what you're like.

Though I find it pretty depressing.

So yeh, YABU. But I won't mock you, as someone who copes perfectly well, adn who's DH works away a lot, for months at a time sometimes, I do feel a little annoyed at you that you can't possibly cope. I also totally understand how shit it can be at times.

I had a confidence crisis one year when I accidently dislocated my youngest's arm (!!!!) I'd tried to stop him falling off the bed and in doing so, caused an injury that wouldn't otherwise have happened. My first thought was to ring DH, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get through (whether he was fighting the taliban, fliming bad guys or getting pissed is actually irrelevent as I knew in advance that he'd be unobtainable for those hours) and it was AWFUL.

Next day I became a grown up. I mean that nicely. I think sometimes you have to grow up and face things alone, in fact, if you don't, you never will grow up.

I strongly feel that you'd hate this scenario even if he were attending a monastaries silent weekend.

OK, he was an idiot last time and knows it. He won't be an idiot this time. Or, he will then he needs to get help for an alcohol problem.

You will cope. Find some (maybe online) support for anxiety issues. I think you may have been badly triggered by the worry over your child being sick last time and this is affecting your judgement.

Yes, some men are complete plonkers who encourage each other to be sexist and hateful towards women. That is why I am a rabid, scary feminist. Make sure your DCs know to be respected and respectful and we can change the next generation.

the ridiculous drinking thing would annoy the hell out of me but going away for 2 nights for work ought not to send you into quite this big of a state. Sorry to be unsympathetic. My DP works away every week for 3 nights and works abroad several times a year. Yes, it is hard, and yes it always seems that the kids are ill when they are away or there is some other crisis but you just have to get on with it. There is very little they can do hundreds or thousands of miles away is there?

OP, YABVVVU!

My OH and I both have to regularly (at least twice monthly) spend several days working away for our employers. We wouldn't dream of interferring with each other's work requirements.

No employer makes it compulsory for employees to get utterly shit-faced at conferences; they choose to do it. IME the women are often as bad as, or worse than, the men for going OTT so it's unfair to talk about this 'macho' culture as if it's something unique to men.

TBH you sound utterly bonkers.

As another who has had to cope without my husband for weeks on end for the whole of our married life, I'd say to stop mithering about it and expect it to go smoothly. I doubt you'll have anything like the same problems again.

Good grief. Get a grip . How do you think people without partners manage EVERY DAY ?

*Okay, look its you and you don't like being alone and feel you can't cope without your DH being close by to tell you what you should do. That's okay, if that's what you're like.

Though I find it pretty depressing*

ok Aldiwhore, lets get one thing straight, I do NOT need dh (or anyone) around to "tell me what to do" ffs, i am my own woman, as i said upthread i raised my first DC from newborn to 18 months entirely by myself as a young single parent. i also run a very successful business which i set up entirely on my own. so no, that is NOT what i am like thank you very much. you are missing the point. so i don't need you to patronise me thank you :)

its just i found it very distressing last year because it was so out of character for him, he was far away, drinking with loads of people i didn't know, and i couldn't contact him which is very unlike him (for all i knew, something could have happened to him - which it then did) plus with dc being ill it was very stressful.

thanks for all the replies though, even the slightly harsher ones!

Surely if you can't get hold of him and he is miles away and something happens you would call friend /neightbour /family someone nearer to step in and hold your hand ?

Surely you have in your head a list of people other than h to call in an emergency?

If something does ever happen to h who will you call?

You should pin up list of numbers for that eventuality.

What if other way round and h left behind and emergency ? Who would he call ?

Agree with lovingchristmas re telling him you will only call in an emergency and you will expect him to answer (after the big boozing session commences).

Why on ea rth are you worrying about the possibility of an emergency and not being able to contact him? He's going away for TWO DAYS!

The chances of any emergency are so minute there' s no point in even thinking about it.
Please stop worrying.

YABU and as other have said you realise it. However I do understand your concerns based on what happened last time but it is very unlikely to happen again.

I've stayed in lots of hotels and been at lots of conference venues that have crap or non existant mobile reception. I suspect with hotels it is deliberate so guests end up using the hideously overpriced phone in their room.

However. Get the name and phone number of his hotel. I don't think there are many business standard hotels that don't operate one of those message systems where it is flashing YOU HAVE A MESSAGE on your tv screen when you get back to your room. I had one once when I got back to my room at about midnight and was worried sick until I dialled in to pick it up and it was my DM asking if I could call in to Lakeland in the city where I was staying cos the local branch had sold out of whatever it was she wanted. Not impressed!

Certainly on business conferences I've been on, getting rat arsed and being badly hung over the next day to the point where you can barely take part doesn't impress much. Even without being blue lighted to A&E. I suspect his bosses will be keeping a close eye on him this year. You might want to point that out to him. If you haven't already....

Even without being blue lighted to A&E. I suspect his bosses will be keeping a close eye on him this year. You might want to point that out to him. If you haven't already

yeah you would think he would be somewhat unpopular with his bosses after that, wouldn't you? but here is the mad thing just WEEKS after the conference, DH was given a big promotion, pay rise and company car. wtf.

Wow OP, you are getting a hard time aren't you?!
Fwiw I see where you are coming from. Of course other people's partners may have to be away longer, or in scary situations, or whatever. But that doesn't have any bearing on how you feel about a situation that has arisen in your life.
I would have been furious in your situation, but to your DH's credit he seems to have taken this seriously and looked for ways to help you cope.
However, I do think you're just going to have to suck it up this time. Phone him early in the evening and then decide not to ring til the next mornings. Plan something nice for you and the DCs. Do you have a friend who would come round? They would take your mind off it and it the highly unlikely event of a another emergency you wouldn't be on your own.
Good luck. He'll be back before you know it.

YANBU I think you were unlucky last time with the timing of the dcs sickness.
and I can understand why you would be anxious about DH going away but am sure you will be fine. I would think your DH will have learnt his lesson and be more sensible.
What I don't understand is why people rush to hospital with sickness bugs .It is no wonder that hospitals have to be shut down when these bugs get a grip.
I am not sure if we have been lucky with DS but I have never taken him to A&E for a bug only accidents. I just concentrate on trying to get temperature down and basically sitting it out. Know lots of people who do rush to hospital though so maybe I am unsual.

i ended up at the hospital the first night he was away, as one of the dc came down with such a bad vomiting bug i just did not know what to do. i was on my own with a 4 yo and a very poorly 1 yo. was trying to ring him for about 2 hrs and he wasn't answering. i was frantic

"Frantic" over a child's vomiting bug? YABU. It does sound as though you have serious anxiety issues and need help.

His company sounds repulsive though.

If my dh didn't answer I would have just sent a text and left him to the guilt. Bit drama drama queen sounding to be honest

Anyway, this time you have us to lean on - it'll be fine :o

kerstina - of course hospital admission is not (usually) necessary, I can't understand it either. Keeping them hydrated is the most important thing, and everyone should know that. OP, as you are nurse-trained I would've thought you'd be more able to deal with a child's illness than your (presumably non-medical) husband, and it's slightly worrying if you can't.

Op I think you had an unlucvky run of luck last time and tbf, I suspect your DH will have learned a little by his own...ahem..unfortunate accident.

However, my advice to you would be to stop dreading this upcoming trip and instead look upon it as an opportunity to prove to yourself that not only can you cope perfectly well without DH, you can actively enjoy it.

That way, you won't worry for the future. Because there will always be times when our other halves are not contactable...twelve hour flights, lost mobiles, or lost chargers, bags stolen etc etc Goodness, DH once got stuck for over three hours on tube train while I was waiting for him oiutside a theatre.

Stuff happens. Andit's best not to dread any of it, surely?

And as for drinking whilest away...well it's not good to be so drunk one knocks oneself out, obviously, but I'm afraid theese are occasions where one gtes worse for wear.

I often go to literary festivals - hundred of publihsers, agents and writers in a hotel. Can you imagine the boozing? I'll be honest, and say that thought I certainly don't get falling down drunk, I'm probably beyond being much use in an emergency. I mean what could I do?

i really want to make it through the 2 days without getting panicky, because i know if i do it will make it so much easier next time he has to go. and he will. thanks for all the arse kicking, i do actually feel a bit better about it today.

It's 2 days not 2 months! You will cope because it is ONLY 2 days and you are an adult and the chances of something bad happening are very very slim.

Op, you will be fine, and then this will all be a distant memory and nothing to fear ever again .

YABU, it's 2 nights and you sound like a control freak.

you don't sound very pleased that he got a promotion and the perks that went with that!
sounds like these "macho twats" have more respect for him than you do.