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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be dreading DH going on this work trip? :(

126 replies

MistyMountainHop · 10/01/2012 15:38

cant even be bothered to N/C. DH has got to go away for 2 nights soon (he'll have to stay over as its 200 miles away) for a "management conference"

for "conference" read: compulsory jolly piss up Hmm

his company is mostly male orientated especially the management and from what i have seen pretty anti-women. so basically its a big group of men all together drinking and acting like macho twats

when he went last year it was awful. i ended up at the hospital the first night he was away, as one of the dc came down with such a bad vomiting bug i just did not know what to do. i was on my own with a 4 yo and a very poorly 1 yo. was trying to ring him for about 2 hrs and he wasn't answering. i was frantic and ended up having to ring the hotel direct to ask someone to go and find him. when he finally came on the phone he was clearly hammered, i was furious with him and he couldn't see why.

i am pretty sure the reason he didn't pick up his phone is because he didnt want "all the guys" to rib him for answering his phone to his wife. he claims his phone was playing up and that was why he wasnt answering Hmm

and then, to add insult to injury, later that night / early hours of the morning as was so drunk he fell out of bed and cut his head so badly he had to be blue lighted to a&e. i have done some nurse training and i know he could well have died if one of his work mates hadnt found him unconscious and bleeding. i mean ffs this is a grown man who normally is the model father and husband. .

it was a week before we got married and i was so angry i honestly nearly called off the wedding :(

aibu to be dreading this one after last year. he knows i am worried and even said me him and the DC could book a hotel in the town where the conference is so he can sleep there with us, but i don't want to look like a control freak who won't even "let" her husband go away on his own for a night or 2.

sorry this is long.

OP posts:
scuzy · 10/01/2012 17:09

ok so it was unfortunate you ended up in hospital with ds last time he went but what did you want him to do? i wouldnt want my drunken dp in a hospital if it wasnt life or death. what was the point in ringing him and getting upset when he didnt answer?

its 2 night ffs! let him go. dont arrange these nighty night calls. thats silly. if you must check in with him after their conference and before their dinner and drinks. and agree that you ONLY ring him if its an emergency. if you ring him constantly over nothing surely you cant expect him to know when you ring that its an emergency. give the man some space!

MCT76 · 10/01/2012 17:11

Misty I don't think YABU at all and I am sorry for some of the insensitive messages you have received saying you should 'get over yourself' and the like. Personally, I don't understand how it is widely acceptable for grown men/women with families to get blind drunk while away on 'work' dos and how they are expected to forget that they have a partner and children and act like stupid teenagers or face being deemed as 'uncool'. My DH has an annual 'conference' which sounds very much like this and although he does drink, he is always contactable and never gets so wrecked as to forget who he is. In fact, when he was at last year's event it so happened that a dear friend of mine passed away. I wanted to speak to DH as I was in total shock and needed his support. Not only did he call me as soon as he saw my message but his company arranged for him to come home early to be with me. I'd never dreamed of asking him to come back but the fact that he did meant a lot to me.

As much as I agree with other posters in the fact that you shouldn't ask him not to go, I strongly believe that you are right in expecting him not to disappear from sight in a piss-induced frenzy and then come back as if nothing's happened. You are a partnership and it shouldn't be an effort to be in touch. If his macho colleagues think he is 'uncool' or 'henpecked' for it, they're the ones who need to grow up.

Hope you can reach a compromise: he can go and have a good time but also give you a call to see how you and the kids are doing while he is away. To me, it sounds like a very reasonable request. Good luck!

scuzy · 10/01/2012 17:11

agree mumble. there was nothing he could do! but even ringing the hotel? ok so he was very sick but he was going to be ok.. so why bother him?

BandOMothers · 10/01/2012 17:13

Yes..why try to rng him for two hours when your DC is sick? You sound so insecure! I know it's awful to be alone with a sick child but the chaces of that happening are low....carry on like this and you'll find him feeling stifled.

scuzy · 10/01/2012 17:13

disappear from sight??? for the love of god its 2 nights!!!!! what about it. needy much??? dp has been away for a week in spain with mates and although we checked in every day i didnt wait up for night night calls and go ape when he didnt answer the phone!

jesus women can ye not cope with yer "men" for 2 nights???

minouminou · 10/01/2012 17:13

I think that's a good ol' cross post, OP.

At heart, you know you're being U; what's needed is some strategies to help your anxiety, as this is the real source of the problem you're having.
Also, think about what Agentprovocateur said about not wanting to know when you're 200 miles away.
Maybe have a chat with a friend or relative and tell them about these worries. Ask if they'll be your emergency support in the v unlikely scenario of one - or even two - A&E visits.

You'll know you're being daft, and your friend will probably agree, but if it stops you feeling over-reliant on your DH at a time when he's not available, it'll help.

ChickensGoMeh · 10/01/2012 17:13

Thing is, he wasn't. Not really. I mean, he got pissed and hurt himself which is stupid, but not uncommon. He didn't answer his phone which is annoying. But he didn't know your DD was ill, and he didn't do it on purpose. Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but as someone who suffers with anxiety myself I know that there is a tendency to want to control situations to reduce the anxiety. But the anxiety is unreasonable, so the control is also unreasonable iyswim? What happened was unfortunate, and distressing, but it wasn't really anyones fault as such. And you did cope. You coped well. You do need to take a deep breath and try and work out where the real issue ends and the anxiety begins, because the anxiety will be magnifying it.

Latsia · 10/01/2012 17:14

I think some people are being a bit harsh, although yes I agree you would look like a control freak.

That said, whether it's two days a year or every other weekend if he doesn't cope well with alcohol I can also understand your concern. And if you suffer from anxiety anyway then the upcoming prospect must fill you with dread. I do get that.

The harsh reality is though that I think you're just going to need to grit your teeth, smile sweetly and get yourself and your kids through those few days. It's only 2 days. Be bright, be breezy, be Stepford.

Then turn the vacuum cleaner on right next to his dozing, hungover, glad-to-be home, self.

Latsia · 10/01/2012 17:17

And yes agree with MCT76, going out for a jolly is not a licence to forget you're a parent with responsibilities and ignore the phone. But there has to be a compromise between dropping you a quick call to check all is ok or checking his phone and answering frantic calls from you every hour to reassure. As MCT76 said, this is a situation that calls for compromise.

Good luck with that Wink

didldidi · 10/01/2012 17:25

oh and pretty much every time you ring NHS direct their advice is to go to hospital.

HotBurrito1 · 10/01/2012 17:29

OP here's the thing. It was hard last year, and this year will be different. Your husband is a grown up (ish!) and I imagine you can trust him not to get quite so hammered after his embarrassing fall. Frankly it's his look out.

I don't like my husband going away but try to focus on planning something for myself. Get a friend round, DVD, something nice to eat. He should let you know he's arrived safely but IMO updates get in the way of both of your evenings. I really wouldn't go and stay near his hotel. Isn't there something you would prefer to do at home?

eurochick · 10/01/2012 17:36

YABU. You were unlucky last year that it coincided with your daughter getting ill, but it is 2 days, it is for work, you need to let it go. Can you plan something to make the most of the time? DVD and night in with some friends? Go and stay with family if you are uneasy about being alone with the kids? Personally I would relish the time to have the sofa to myself for a couple of days and control of the remote, but each to their own!

dapplegrey · 10/01/2012 18:04

Could you have a girlfriend round?

Ireallyneedanewname · 10/01/2012 18:29

Yabu and a bit of a control freak tbh

usingapseudonym · 10/01/2012 18:41

YABVU. My husband is away several nights every week! i don't like it but that's work and that's life.

Are you very young?

ballstoit · 10/01/2012 18:43

YABU. Why would you spend 2 hours trying to ring someone in a different town rather than just take DC to hospital if you were that worried?

You sound like a control freak who uses a standard childhood illness to create a drama because you don't want your DH out of your sight for 2 minutes.

I manage on my own for 13 nights in every 14, I think you can manage 2 a year.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 10/01/2012 19:30

exactly how am i a control freak when a) i am not STOPPING him going and b) we both regularly have nights out with our OWN friends, ie not together (both of which i have already said) and also c) we have our own hobbies that we do separately ie he plays in bands and i do gym / fitness stuff

i DON'T MIND DH being out of my sight FFS! in fact i sometimes welcome it

i just don't like the thought of not being able to contact him IF i need to!

OP posts:
Latsia · 10/01/2012 19:49

FWIW Misty I wasn't saying you were a control freak, I was just agreeing with the point you made in your OP that you risk looking like one if you book into his hotel.

I think one or two other posters made the same point - I don't understand the mentality that it's ok to go out and get so utterly bladdered that you don't know which way is up and are totally out of contact for a night when you've got responsibilities - man or woman. Have fun by all means but he's not a teenager.

But as I said I think the only way around it is to find a compromise.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 10/01/2012 19:54

I don't understand the mentality that it's ok to go out and get so utterly bladdered that you don't know which way is up and are totally out of contact for a night when you've got responsibilities - man or woman

thanks latsia, thats what i think too!

and yeah i agree that if me and the dc did follow him there i would definitely look like a control freak / one of "those" wives, and i don't want to look like that. even though i kinda feel it inside sometimes :(

and i BLOODY HATE the all men together mentality as well where its uncool or something to show that you actually give 2 shits about your wife / partner ie by answering the phone to them Angry

OP posts:
didldidi · 10/01/2012 20:07

well you only assumed that MMH - he said his phone was playing up and you chose not to believe him.

MissPenteuth · 10/01/2012 20:10

His last trip does sound like a nightmare, but you'll manage this time. Plan things to keep busy; movie and a takeaway or a nice long bath once the DCs are in bed? And accept that he might be pissed and not answering his phone; yes it's a bit shit but he's a grown man, you can't really force him to not drink if he wants to. If he doesn't answer on the first ring, leave it for a bit, or wait till the following day. It's very unlikely that your DCs will be ill enough to warrant a hospital visit again (), and even if that did happen, your DH isn't much use when he's so far away.

I don't like my DH working away from home either; in fact he's away for a few days later this month and I'm going to visit my parents (they live a few hours away) rather than stay home alone with DD. Not because I can't cope, but because I'd be knackered and climbing the walls!

Be strong. You'll be fine :)

LovingChristmas · 10/01/2012 20:12

Hi OP

I have to say that YANBU to feel worried about it and I do get what you mean, when you ring someone and expect an answer or at least a call back in a reasonable time when it doesn't happened you end up getting more and more stressed.

I also don't like the macho getting pissed culture, but that is more your DH look out, my DH will happily say I love you on the phone in front of all his mates and work colleagues, he happily doesn't care.

Ok you need to speak to DH and arrange he pops out to give you a call before the evening drinking commences, just to say night to you and see how the kids are doing, if you hear anything else then it's a bonus. Tell him you will only ring in an emergency so you would expect him to answer it. Get some DVD's, a bottle of wine, and lap top for mums net and enjoy!!

hugglymugly · 10/01/2012 20:20

It sounds like a flashback thing. You were with your children and having to deal with something frightening, and having to deal with that on your own. It wouldn't be surprising at all that you might be thinking of a re-run this time round.

I also wouldn't be at all surprised if quite a number of men on that work trip would prefer to be in contact with their wives/children, but don't dare to say that because it's not "macho".

Garliccheesechips · 10/01/2012 20:23

OP you are no doubt aware that posting in AIBU may lead to you hearing things you dislike. I think some of the posts are harsh but there is a LOT of good advice in there.

I think it's futile hating the all lads together on the lash stuff because for many men, having that outlet is important. OK, they may act like utter twats/schoolboys but it's all wrapped up in male identity IMO. Just as many women need to have close friendships with other women and talk about willies/periods/waxing etc ;-)

For heaven's sake don't do the stay in a hotel thing. I implore you.

BsshBossh · 10/01/2012 20:30

YABU, but you know that don't you. You need to get on top of your anxiety issues first and in the meantime on his next work trip plan some nice treats for yourself at home. Let him get drunk and be an idiot playing the chauvinist pig with his mainly male colleagues; you enjoy yourself without him.