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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help, Serious In Law Trouble!

113 replies

funkyfarmerswife · 08/01/2012 17:37

Well thank god there are some other mums out there with grandparent problems. My MIL at present is threatening to have a mental breakdown because she hasn't seen the kids over Christmas but that was due to an argument on Christmas Eve where she told me I had ruined my husbands relationship with his brother (I haven't) and I have 'hogged' him ever since we married and my father in law said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve the house they had given me and my husband! Many many problems with them over last 8 years basically due to the fact they continue to push BIL into our lives as he is on his own and they feel sorry for him. I cannot stand the guy, still attached to mother by umbillical cord and is spoilt to death. Told me once that I was a freeloader and that he'd come to our place whenever he wanted to as his parents bought it! Basically they are requesting that every birthday, party, christmas, sports day, school play, and special occassion, I invite them and their other son and basically put a show on to make them feel happy despite the fact that I hate the BIL. So now forever more they expect me to involve them in our special times with our kids (3) despite the fact that it will ruin it for me. My FIL once rang us up (from another fall out) to say that MIL was up all night fretting and pacing the room cos she hadn't seen the kids for 2 weeks and we had better let her see them as she was making herself ill or could top herself! Surely, I should not have to give in to them? BIL is jealous of us because we have a family, nice home etc and tries his hardest to wind me up. Basically, they are ultra controlling, don't always do what I ask i.e sweet giving, let them ride on back of tractors, take 4 year old in pool without armbands (despite me telling them not a good idea to take them swimming as hard work with 3 kids), gave eldest river water to drink cos she was thirsty which made her violently ill, spoilt my double christening by being rude as I didn't ask for her help to make food, GOD I could go on and on and on.Help me please with your suggestions as I am seriously considering hitting the bottle or divorcing my husband. Who by the way tries to talk to them but the saga returns to it's normal state quickly. Seriously fed up with it all!! Is it me or them being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Dartfordmummy · 08/01/2012 17:38

This is too much to read at once. Can u repost this in paragraphs x

RandomMess · 08/01/2012 17:39

What does your dh think, how is he handling it at the moment?

What is relationship with them and his brother like?

JustHecate · 08/01/2012 17:40

Sounds like it's them.

However, the only way to deal with them is to present a united front and for you and your husband to tell them that they do NOT treat you this way if they want to remain in your life and it's their choice.

troisgarcons · 08/01/2012 17:40

Who has their name on the house deeds? DH or the PILS?

Does DH like his brother?

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/01/2012 17:41

Sell your house and buy one yourselves. Then you will no longer be beholden to them.

JustHecate · 08/01/2012 17:42

Oh, and disentangle yourselves financially. As long as you accept anything from them and they've put the roof over your head etc - they have a stick to beat you with. Make it on your own and they can't throw that at you.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 08/01/2012 17:42

Give them their house back and learn about paragraphs.

Lilyloo · 08/01/2012 17:43

I guess if they gave you / bought you your house they feel like they should beinvited there.
I also think it is sad if your kids haven't seen there grandparents all over christmas because of a falling out with the adults.
How does your dh feel about all of this ?

5Foot5 · 08/01/2012 17:43

Could you move a long way away so that it is only feasible to see them 2 or 3 times a year?

Lilyloo · 08/01/2012 17:44

Jasper · 08/01/2012 17:44

give them back the house.
Stand on your own two feet.
Rebuild the relationship on mutually acceptable terms

Jasper · 08/01/2012 17:46

are they from a farming family and you and dh are in one of the farm houses and your dh works on the family farm for a pittance by any chance?

momnipotent · 08/01/2012 17:46

I agree with others - give back the house and release the hold they have over you.

Sickofthesnow · 08/01/2012 17:46

Is your husband as fed up with all of this as you? If he is then the two of you need to stick to your guns and NOT give in to emotional blackmail.

What is your husbands stance with his brother?

Dartfordmummy - I'm sure you could have read it all at once if you could have been bothered

BlueFergie · 08/01/2012 17:47

Get a mortgage, repay them the cost of the house. Tell them your family is not for sale and they will be invited to your home and your family events when and if it suits you.

Original poster

funkyfarmerswife · 08/01/2012 17:47

Wow what quick responses. Firstly, Husband feels caught in the middle. Can understand this and feel for him but mostly he just says nothing during 'talks'. He stood by and said nothing when I was called a freeloader and it hurt. He is quite quiet and doesn't like confrontation.

He never has had a good relationship with his brother, (that is the ridiculous thing) and BIL is lazy and my husband is a worker so they are very different. Our name is on the deeds not theirs. Husband does not hate brother but can see that he upsets me. I feel that it is akin to blackmail to be told that because they gave us a house that I should do as I am told and if not then they will have a paddy. Basically, that it what it boils down to. Thanks, I really need someone to talk to...

OP posts:

scarletforya · 08/01/2012 17:49

It seems like they have attached conditions to the house they gave you.

Unfortunately, in their minds you 'owe them' and are using the fact that they bought you a house to try to control you.

RandomMess · 08/01/2012 17:49

You need to agree with your dh what you both think is acceptable or not. Then he needs to grow some balls and stand up to his parents.

I would second repaying the money for the house, even if you give them £50 per week it stops them saying they have given you a house.

MabelLucyAttwell · 08/01/2012 17:50

As other posters have mentioned, whose name(s) is/are on the deeds? The PIL or your DH and you and DH? Is there a mortgage? Is so, who is paying the instalments?

As for having a breakdown because she has not seen the GC, what so you think I feel like with mine 6000 miles away? I get on with life and visit as often as I can - once or twice a year. She's lucky that you live so close (unless they chose the house as well as funded it).

As BlueFergie says, invite whom you like when you like.

troisgarcons · 08/01/2012 17:51

Your house - sell it - but of course does your husband wish to be estranged from his family?

I'm guessing from your name that your ILs own the farm and your DH works on it? thus of course it would be a job loss also.

TBH your DH needs to step up the the plate here and lay down the boundaries - actually they should have been laid down in the first place.

CailinDana · 08/01/2012 17:52

This is your DH's problem not yours. If they ring you to have a rant, tell them, "I'll tell DH you called and he'll call you back" and hang up the phone. It is ridiculous for your DH to expect you to put up with this crap.

Original poster

funkyfarmerswife · 08/01/2012 17:52

This is the first time I have posted by the way, so sorry for the lack of paragraphs - I just got a bit carried away. And, to respond to Jasper, we are a farming family but luckily they gave us the house and we rent the land off the PIL's. (Hope this means parents in law by the way!) Farming family problems are so common I know. Am I just being a horrible DIL? To be honest it is ruining my life and I sometimes feel that if we hadn't had kids then there wouldn't be so many problems. (Don't get me wrong though I love them to bits).

OP posts:

loosyloo · 08/01/2012 17:52

its fairly natural for grandparents and uncle to want to be involved with their family at christmas, birthdays and other special days

you sound a bit of a nightmare to be honest OP, hope my sons dont hook up with anyone similarly selfish

JustHecate · 08/01/2012 17:55

Don't worry about the paragraphs, it really doesn't matter. It's easy enough to read. It just spewed out of you cos you're in a state and really needed someone to talk to. We can cope with a block of text! What matters is listening to you and maybe offering some advice, or at least some moral support!

Jasper · 08/01/2012 17:59

FFW I sympathise. I have lots of farming friends and similar problems are very common. Sorry i have no solutions .
One friend will probably divorce over it. She is completely beholden to her PILS. I met them at a wedding once. They looked at my and DHs Name cards on the table and said " i see you are not married" on account of our surnames being different

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