Please help, Serious In Law Trouble!

[funkyfarmerswife]

Well thank god there are some other mums out there with grandparent problems. My MIL at present is threatening to have a mental breakdown because she hasn't seen the kids over Christmas but that was due to an argument on Christmas Eve where she told me I had ruined my husbands relationship with his brother (I haven't) and I have 'hogged' him ever since we married and my father in law said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve the house they had given me and my husband! Many many problems with them over last 8 years basically due to the fact they continue to push BIL into our lives as he is on his own and they feel sorry for him. I cannot stand the guy, still attached to mother by umbillical cord and is spoilt to death. Told me once that I was a freeloader and that he'd come to our place whenever he wanted to as his parents bought it! Basically they are requesting that every birthday, party, christmas, sports day, school play, and special occassion, I invite them and their other son and basically put a show on to make them feel happy despite the fact that I hate the BIL. So now forever more they expect me to involve them in our special times with our kids (3) despite the fact that it will ruin it for me. My FIL once rang us up (from another fall out) to say that MIL was up all night fretting and pacing the room cos she hadn't seen the kids for 2 weeks and we had better let her see them as she was making herself ill or could top herself! Surely, I should not have to give in to them? BIL is jealous of us because we have a family, nice home etc and tries his hardest to wind me up. Basically, they are ultra controlling, don't always do what I ask i.e sweet giving, let them ride on back of tractors, take 4 year old in pool without armbands (despite me telling them not a good idea to take them swimming as hard work with 3 kids), gave eldest river water to drink cos she was thirsty which made her violently ill, spoilt my double christening by being rude as I didn't ask for her help to make food, GOD I could go on and on and on.Help me please with your suggestions as I am seriously considering hitting the bottle or divorcing my husband. Who by the way tries to talk to them but the saga returns to it's normal state quickly. Seriously fed up with it all!! Is it me or them being unreasonable?

Wouldn't have normally expected single uncle to want to turn up at bdays/sportsdays etc. - v strange. Is he a bit slow. In-laws sound as if they have too much time on their hands to sound so deprived (of seeing GCs etc).

Your DCs will probably learn as they get older that some of GPs ideas are a bit daft eg drinking river water and probably learn to ignore them.

Can't you introduce BIL to eligible females. That would distract him from your family and give MIL something else to fret about.

I was initially going to suggest you move away from PILs until mention of farm. You could get a job when DCs are older which gets you out of the way of nasty in-laws. But unfortunately you appear to be stuck with them just now and you will have to mend bridges to make life bearable. But, as advised above, make arrangements on your terms.

Don't want to worry you as it is a long way away but wonder what could happen over inheritance. If BIL is favoured son then how will things be shared. Get legal advice in the future.

Rdoo, I agree it is none of my business I just wanted to show people that I am not at all spoilt. I would rather live in a caravan than have someone chuck something back in my face. I am just asking is it fair of PILs to want me to ask someone (BIL) into my home to spend time with my precious family on the most special of occasions when it will upset me. What about ME? My feelings are important too. My sister has a daughter and yes I saw her lots when she was growing up and I love her but didn't live in their pockets and accompany them on every outing and expect it? When I was invited I went. NB We farm, and anyone out there with knowledge will know that they are very important days when work acutally comes second! Not many of those to the pound!

Hi there Vickles, thanks for the HUG! Much better now, do you know someone actually said that I was selfish and they hoped thier sons didn't meet anyone like me! How cruel is that? I think actually that you speak a lot of sense and I am grateful. I don't like it but short of emigrating I don't know what will ever change. I feel threatened and alone although I do pity the PILS and it is not what my friends experiences with their in laws are like. My very best friend says my in laws are loopy and don't give into their demands and to do what make me and my husband happy. Thanks.

I don't think your unreasonable or selfish. This comes down to boundaries and they are breaching them by behaving as they are.
I'm sure that if they were remotely normal you wouldn't mind including them.
Quite frankly, they sound unstable. I mean, threatening to have a break down, please! They need to get a grip and some perspective.
Move away. It's the only way to get peace x

You will find that some posters are pathetically cruel on this forum. Just ignore their ignorance!

Funky, I didn't mean to suggest you were spoilt but it appears to me that both your husband and brother in law have benefited from generous parents (granted they may also be interfering) and I can see how your brother in law may have come to make the comments he did (not saying he was right to do so) if your attitude is that he is spoilt.

I mean, in one post you make a snide remark about your PIL giving BIL their cottage when they've also given their other son (your husband) a house.

Joisez - it's "v strange" for a single uncle to want to be involved in their neice/nephews lives? What?! Since when?

OP you haven't responded to the suggestions repaying your ILS. I think this is the best solution, then they don't have a stick to beats you with. Get a fair estimate of what the house was worth when they gave it to you. I suggest three valutions and taking an average. Adjust for inflation. Your name is on the deeds which means you should be able to get a mortgage using the house as security. Present them with the valuations and a cheque. Thank them for their generosity but you would rather stand on your own feet now.
Then rebuild the relationship based on your own boundaries. Of course you should see them on birthdays, Christmas etc but on your own terms not theirs. This will be easier to achieve if you have separated yourselves from the financially. I know it may be hard but ultimately it will be worth it. You can't out a price on independence.

to be honest I think you are being unreasonable.
Why cant the brother be invited to family occasions - just because you don't like him doesn't mean that your family husband children etc dont. I think your OH needs to grow a pair to sort you out - no spouse of mine would not be welcoming all members of my family even if he couldnt stand them!

Hello Bluefergie, I think you are right but we have just invested over £100k in farm improvements so getting any more money would be hard. Just have to give house up maybe. Easy if just a couple, not so easy to do with 3 dependents.

Maddy68. I think you are tough. Would you like your brother/sister to call your husband a freeloader? Would you turn a blind eye and pretend that all is well. Well, I'm not stopping anyone else from seeing the BIL but I don't want him in my own personal space. As the farmers spouse in all this, (other farmer forumites will know and understand) I don't exactly have much to my name as it's all gone on improving my PILS farm so the only place of peace for me is my four walls. Frankly, if and when my BIL gets a partner, there is no way that I would expect him to invite me to his kids parties or on holiday with them - I've got my own life to live and that would be weird, it would seem intrusive of me to want to be there. Why do I see this and no one else does? My OH is lovely and has got a great pair of balls thanks. We get on really well and have been happily married for 14 years. He most definitely doesn't need to sort me out (unless he really wants to that is!!)

Joisez who can obviously relate to where I am coming from. Thanks for the advice x

Thanks, ticklemonster (great name by the way) you are obviously one of the nice ones. I don't mind advice, whether it is in my favour or not but there is no need to cruel. I have lived with this nonsense for years and it's very tiring. It's bad enough coping with farming life, three kids, an unstable income and no days off without all the PIL trouble.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to have IL's there at every special occasion. I assume OP has family too who might like to be involved and having an extra 3 people at everything may effectively exclude her family just due to space/finances etc.

If she was saying that she didn't want them at any event, that would be UR, but sometimes it is nice to have your own space to be your own person and enjoy your own family.

And we're not just talking about family occasions. Why on earth would BIL expect to go to every sports' day, concert etc. for three different children? Suggest to the school that they put a limit of two people "for space purposes" as most schools round here do.

I haven't read the whole post, but come from a farming background too so totally understand the lack of control that you have in the overall scheme of things
My mother still feels a sense of entitlement over my sainted SIL's life, due in part to joint finances, living on the doorstep and the history of her and my dad working their socks off to pass on a business to my brother and his wife.

I am well out of it as I live far away, am not farming and have no claim on the family farm (primo geniture and all that) but I honestly don't know how SIL has put up with it over the years. On the plus side my Mum was always on hand to help out with school runs, holidays, when SIL ill etc
My SIL has developed ways coping mainly her own circle of friends and really does love where she lives
You are not in an easy situation

Op. I feel for u. I too have had tricky in laws and 3 years of comments and upset finally pushed me in to a corner. After many rows with my husband I decided to be pro active rather than defensive and we have had a calm relationship for 4 yrs now.

Like another poster said I had to get the pil involved on my terms so began arranging baby sitting etc so they had time to focus on when they would see the children instead of demanding when or turning up the doorstep etc

I feel you need to set the boundaries and be clear Invite them to the things you are happy to share or organise a separate event for the
Pil. We have a family tea on a weekend day near the kids bdays if they Arnt sharing the actual day with us. This keeps them happy.

Most school plays have more than one performance. Do it so they attend the one after you? We can only get 2 tickets per performance anyway If it's tiny school tho maybe some White lies will be needed occasionally

Re bil. I feel Yr dh will have to tackle this one with pil.
If you do it you will only be seen in a bad light. Its a no win if he isn't on your side. Have a chat with him when your relaxed Not in the heat of a row

My mil was very mean at the start. I was belittled and my feelings ignored. It got worse when dd arrived. I felt I was just baby maker not mother and wife. I was defensive and had many rows with dh about it Eventually I realised it was up to me to act A's mil wouldn't change. Well, we almost have a good relationship now. We will never be best friends but we are accepting that we both want a happy dh/son and to see grandchildren reguarly

I do hope you can work this out It IS very draining. (sad)

Hi OP I know it isn't easy to come up with money like that but if I were you I would be doing everything in my power to start paying them back. You don't have to pay them what the house is worth now, just what it would have been worth when you got it. If it was as wrecked as you say then that should be a relatively small amount (for a house).
If you don't have a current mortgage then you should be able to raise a mortgage against the house especially since tha amount you need will be a lot less than the current value. Look hard at your budget. Even if you can't pay the full amount get as much as you can afford and pay off the rest as and when you can.
Whatever you do don't give up the house. You have restored it and improved it. At the very least they would have to pay you the difference for what it is worth now versus when you got it.
If you can find an extra few hundred a month to pay a mortgage its a small price to pay to get control of your life, family and home. It's worth being a bit poorer for the happiness it will buy you.

Your PILs sound like extreme control freaks :( and I don't think it is possible to understand how emotionally draining this is unless you have an experience of family relationships with such people. I think this is why some posters here don't quite get what you're on about so to speak. Examples with the swimming pool, river water etc are very illustrative.

I moved out of town, then out of the country, and then even further away to escape similar problems. I lost a relationship with my bf because of this. I was lucky to be able to escape. Your situation - with the kids and with the farm - is different.

Still, your best bet is to ignore them. Don't mistake ignoring for 'doing nothing' or a passive activity. To the contrary, put all the energy that you normally waste on maintaining a relationship with them towards ignoring them fully, and distracting yourself and the family away from these damaging relationships with PILs and BIL. Shame you can't move of course, but with a lot of strength and determination you can still ignore... Good luck.

Bluefergie
If her house is subject to an agricultural tie ( very likely if permission given in a rural area to develop) it is nigh on impossible to get a high street mortgage ,also her husband's income will almost certainly be tied up in the family firm and therefore her in laws income too

Wanted to add that my experience was with my own parents so all the issues were even more sad, and harder to accept. They were, and still are, horribly rude and inappropriate to SIL, which is why I relate so much to your story.

Your DH's lack of understanding and support probably comes from the fact that he was exposed to this controlling behaviour for a very long time, and in any family you adapt to each other's quirks and learn to live with them. He may not see things as clearly as you do, and you need to help him see it, talk to him about it, how you feel etc...

Unlike others, I don't think that repaying money to PIL is worth stressing about. If it were realistic and possible - then yes awesome way out. But if not, then focus your energy on something more productive. With a business and 3 kids you will have to pay with your family well-being to achieve this. And I really really doubt this alone would change PILs behaviour or your relationship with them.

Just quietly move, sell and leave. No discussions. As your DH feels caught in the middle it will be up to you to take decisions. It is good that thy are so obviously controlling that you don't need explanations for your actions.
And also, maybe nothing you do or don't will change them. Get some space and distance and pretend relaxed calmness when faced with drama from in laws.

Dear FarmersWife, some posters don't seem to get past the free house so their views are coloured with jealousy. I feel for you with your ILs and awful BIL. Reckon you need to do what will save your marriage for your, DH and DCs sakes. If that means cutting losses and starting away from the madness then do it. Sell the house, keep the money because this was gift and is yours, and run for the hills.

I can't begin to thank you all (well most of you and not the mean ones!) for your words of advice. I really think you understand my problems. I am a nice person honestly. I am a very strong person thankfully or I think that this would have crumpled me by now.

Mercibien - merci beacoup for your opinion. I'm glad that you can understand the lack of control. It's not a material thing just a feeling of safety and security. Not had a lot of it in my life when young.

Glenshee - thanks for your kind words. You have hit the nail on the head about the exposure to controlling behaviour part. I really think that he thinks its normal. I think he sees my side but am not sure on times. I don't expect him to side with me - I appreciate it's difficult but a little support on times would be great too. It really is draining and you are right, unless you have experienced it then you would not really know how bad it can be.

I find it hard to understand the grandparent/grandchildren thing and what is normal behaviour. I too have lived with this for so long I am unclear if I am UR or not sometimes. I really hope that I will let my kids do their own thing when they are older and accept that if I am involved then great but if not then also OK. I have my own long list of 'to do's' for when I am older and I don't expect to live in my kids pockets. I am just here to help them with their journey into adulthood and then it's up to them. I will always be here for them whatever.

Bluefergie - you are right. I have thought about giving my half of the house to the DH so that I have no right to it as I don't care about the material side of it. I just have put so much time into business which cannot be taken back out physically in money that I would be left with nothing if DH pulled the plug on us (probably won't happen but you can never say never) again, if no children would not care two hoots!

Madeyemoodysmum - good words of advice. Think the baby sitting is a good idea so she feels involved as when I have got someone else (cos they owed me a night) she has been narky and funny as she was not asked. Thanks.

Hi,

Do you live actually next door to your inlaws, nearby or in its own grounds. Is the house that they have given you subject to a agricultural tie?

You mention a sister but are your parents still around? Are they supportive? I actually think going into a field with your dog quite a mature thing to do, ie. remove yourself from the difficult situation rather than react badly and make matters worse.

My main worry would be the mental state of my MIL and the kids being around her. If FIL makes comments to you about her topping herself do you really want your children growing up around her?

Once you have children of your own they must become your priority. I think your husband has to be a little more vocal and let his parents know that you and the kids come first and whereas PIL are very welcome in YOUR home, it is conditional on respect and courtesy and they should also remind your BIL of this.

We should all feel comfortable in our own home. Good luck OP.

Funky farmer. Tell me about it! Mil had a mood on cos a made my own cupcakes for the kids b day party. I WANT to make my childrens cakes for their birthdays. We hosted Xmas dinner 2010 and we arranged that she would do the turkey for logistical reasons. She ended up bringing stuffing pudding and tried to bring gravy too! I had to step in at that point All I was left with was potatoes and veg!! Still I have learnt to laugh about it now else I'd cry or be divorced!!

"Once you have children of your own they must become your priority. I think your husband has to be a little more vocal and let his parents know that you and the kids come first and whereas PIL are very welcome in YOUR home, it is conditional on respect and courtesy and they should also remind your BIL of this."

I second the above!

"I don't expect him to side with me - I appreciate it's difficult but a little support on times would be great too." - just be aware you may not get as much support as you'd like. Lower your expectations. It's not entirely his fault that he is like this. I know my brother is extremely unsupportive, and TBH I don't blame him, although I feel for SIL.

ggrrr dont get me started with the pil omg.....everything was fine before i had my wee boy now granny has turned into a demon!!!! she knows best NOT