Please help, Serious In Law Trouble!

[funkyfarmerswife]

Well thank god there are some other mums out there with grandparent problems. My MIL at present is threatening to have a mental breakdown because she hasn't seen the kids over Christmas but that was due to an argument on Christmas Eve where she told me I had ruined my husbands relationship with his brother (I haven't) and I have 'hogged' him ever since we married and my father in law said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve the house they had given me and my husband! Many many problems with them over last 8 years basically due to the fact they continue to push BIL into our lives as he is on his own and they feel sorry for him. I cannot stand the guy, still attached to mother by umbillical cord and is spoilt to death. Told me once that I was a freeloader and that he'd come to our place whenever he wanted to as his parents bought it! Basically they are requesting that every birthday, party, christmas, sports day, school play, and special occassion, I invite them and their other son and basically put a show on to make them feel happy despite the fact that I hate the BIL. So now forever more they expect me to involve them in our special times with our kids (3) despite the fact that it will ruin it for me. My FIL once rang us up (from another fall out) to say that MIL was up all night fretting and pacing the room cos she hadn't seen the kids for 2 weeks and we had better let her see them as she was making herself ill or could top herself! Surely, I should not have to give in to them? BIL is jealous of us because we have a family, nice home etc and tries his hardest to wind me up. Basically, they are ultra controlling, don't always do what I ask i.e sweet giving, let them ride on back of tractors, take 4 year old in pool without armbands (despite me telling them not a good idea to take them swimming as hard work with 3 kids), gave eldest river water to drink cos she was thirsty which made her violently ill, spoilt my double christening by being rude as I didn't ask for her help to make food, GOD I could go on and on and on.Help me please with your suggestions as I am seriously considering hitting the bottle or divorcing my husband. Who by the way tries to talk to them but the saga returns to it's normal state quickly. Seriously fed up with it all!! Is it me or them being unreasonable?

Rachyrach30 - No thank God they do live about 17 miles away but sometimes that's too near. The house is ag tied so very difficult to sell without the land which is not ours. Thank You for your comments.

Albertofrog - Thanks, and yes I have a sister who I get on well with. My mother is (sorry to all horsey people but you know what I mean (!) a horsey person who has always put herself and her horses first so I grew up quickly and had to sort my own life out for myself i.e get though school, go to college, get job. buy car with no support whatsoever. My father died when I was four months old from cancer so I never knew him and we have very little other family. Consequently, my family now is very important to me and I am trying to give my kids what I never had.

I laughed and laughed when madeyemoodysmum put I WANT to make cupcakes for my kids. Surely it's our right as mothers to want to do this and not have a take over merchant spoil our limelight?

I think that respect is the critical word. I may have to resign myself to the fact that I will have to let DH to all the visits and me stay out of it to preserve my sanity. Pity for the kids though. Not sure... will go to bed on all your advice and hopefully wake up a sane woman again! xx

Quick response to Yayyyy before I go to bed. I know what you mean. My PILs weren't too bad until then and boy have they changed since the kids came along. Once, my eldest had a fever and MIL was at my house and all evening i pulled the blanket off the child to keep her cool and everytime MIL put it back on! Very trying isn't it? I sometimes think that I'll just let her adopt them and then she'll be happy but she would have to kill me first. Actually....that's a scary thought. I'll sleep with one eye open now!! Ha - still got a sense of humour - just!

You're still sane funkyfarmerswife if you can laugh about WANTING to do cupcakes for kids, which is good.

My mom wanted my very young kids to stay with her by themselves (no parents) for several months in a different country. Totally her idea. She wasn't interested whether it's something that we'd want.

So... my sense of humour fails me :( But distance between us helps enormously. After 10 years of living so far away from each other we're practically on good terms! But I've not visited them for 8 years and feel guilty about it, sometimes.

They sound like a bloody nightmare, and what a drama queen attention seeking mil!

Fwiw I can't belive people are saying They gave you a house so put up and shut up. You can't just...BUY people. Utter madness. They gave you the place of their own free will, their decison. They can't force guilt trips now. They sound v v v controlling

Hi funky,

So really if you don't have the land the house isn't worth much at all and even with the land they are difficult to sell with that tie. It would have to be farmers that buy it. It's nice that you have a home to live in but as for sale value it will not be much. Maybe if some farmers really want it and fight over it. They haven't done you that much of a favour so I can't understand there need to keep you thinking you owe them something. You don't even own the land and you have paid for all decorations yourself

And failed to say spent all that money on the farm too. Strange aren't they. If there 17 miles away that's quite some distance. You should be able to maintain your boundaries from there.

It sounds like a total nightmare.

I agree with others who say your dh needs to speak to them, especially the bil.
Let dh go alone to inlaws with kids, stay away from them. You do not have to see them, do what makes you feel comfortable.

I would also suggest having them at birthday parties with other guests as in my experience difficult guest are often better diluted as it were amongst more sane visitors. Does that make sense. Then make sure you give them a leaving time.
Tbh I began to say, well it is now time for little lurking to go to bed, so we will say goodnight to pils now. If they don't take the hint, say to dcs but in front of pil, yes dcs, now pil are going to go home, so that you can go to bed.
If they still refuse to go then don't invite them again and I'm afraid your dh will have to take them over to pils for birthdays as well.

Without any of your other problems with mil,just hearing about the annoyance of tractor rides ,Arm band issues,Sweet giving and drinking river water (very dangerous)these are just normal things that require your permission or life can get very out of control.D'ont waste anymore time worrying, life is to short.You shouldn't have to have this stress.Do whatever it takes even if you never see MIL again or the rest of her dodgy family You have to take controll now.

You absolutely should not give your half to DH that is crazy and will achieve nothing. I don't know anything about agricultural ties but from the sound of things it means that the house they gave you although valuable to you has very little resale value. It was basically a ruin tied to land that they didn't want to sell so they passed te house to you and kept the land. Ever since they have behaving like you owe them.
Fuck that. Talk to DH. It is NOT right that he doesn't stick up for you. It ahold be made crystal clear to ILS that you ar to be respected and boundaries ar to be set on your family events. You should expect him to side with you.
I feel for you. I really do. They sound fucking awful. Don't be scared to stand up for your family unit. They don't own you. Good luck.

when you married, what did your vows say? ask him if he meant them? ask him if he is going to keep his promises to you? it does not sound like he is honouring you/cherishing you whatever he promised.

you have a problem with "d" h not sticking by you when bil is rude or the family does not respect you. he does not put you and the children first, he is putting his parents first and not keeping his promises to you.

you have a problem with the pils. not sure how to deal with that but it will be easier if you and your h present a united front.

you also have a problenm with a rude bil who also is showing you no respect. again easier to deal with if h is on side.

oh and it is not normal for the extended family to be at every single family occasion. that is controlling and weird.

The living arrangements you describe are probably the cause of the conflict. Living in such a claustrophobic, self sustaining bubble can't be good for your sense of well being. From what you've said about your Mother in Law, she seems to have lost a sense of reality and wider social norms.

In the situation of the 'family farm' there is no real separation between work,family and leisure, everything in one sphere is interlinked to the other. A falling out over children will impact on the business relations between the principals and effect the financial viability of the farm. So if your in laws feel they are losing control over the family unit, they are by extension losing their grip on the business.

This is not to excuse their behaviour, but it does explain it. I'd have a chat with your husband, do you work outside the farm? If not it might be worth looking for work and getting some degree of financial independence and perspective on this closed world of family farms.

Just reading what you said about your own mum being busy, is it possible that MIL missed her own children growing up & that´s why she wants so much input with her GC?

Also, although it sounds as if the house wasn´t that much of a favour from ILs, if in her mind she is still providing a "roof over your head", she maybe doesn´t see you as adults.

This maybe won´t change unless your husbands acts like one towards her.

Here's an idea: next time FIL or MIL calls saying that MIL is going to have a breakdown and/or crumble into dust if she doesn't get everyone pandering to her drama queen behaviour to see the DCs, then make her mental health the sole topic of conversation.

Act concerned. Suggest she sees her GP and asks for a referral to a psychiatrist. If they try to say that her tantrums emotional instability is your fault, say (with kindness and compassion rather than anger) "I think we all know that it's not normal to be so distraught over something so trivial. And this has been going on for years after all. I think it's time she got some professional help."

Then any time in the future she tries to emotionally blackmail you makes similar comments, refer back to this and say "Oh dear, this is exactly what I was talking about the last time. She seems desperately and deeply unhappy and she's getting worse. Maybe now is the time for her to see her GP?"

All that being said, really your DH needs to take the lead with dealing with his parents.

Snorbs that is a very good line to take. OP also could retaliate with her own mental breakdown threat though? She is stressed and maybe should talk to her GP. Then she could say to the PILs that all this is making her unwell and table turn on MIL from hell. Other leverage is the ultimate if the PILs cause divorce then OP would get custody and MIL would see far less of kids and make DS2 unhappy. She has cards I think.

I think you need to tell your DH you will no longer deal with this nonsense and that you expect him to resolve these issues - it is his family after all. You need to discuss the issues, agree a strategy, and then he needs to be assertive.

You might also want to start doing a bit of research into family law specialists in your area. If your DH can't hack it, I don't see how you're going to be able to put up with this for another couple of decades!

Snorbs has a great tactic

What a nightmare. Put the house bit to one side if you can. That part cant easily be changed.

Sit down and talk to your DH and agree a strategy regarding events you want to invite them to ( and not), things they could contribute eg cakes/gifts, and times that they get to spend with the kids. Your DH is going to have to start backing you, but if youve agreed your strategy up front it'll be much easier to stay united on a game plan.

Get in first and tell them in a "wouldnt it be lovely if you could..." way as a deliberately controlled way to get them involved, but on your terms. It won't be easy for you, and I really understand your resentment, but I think you know that compromise is the only way you're going to achieve peace of mind.

Your BIL sounds like a total twat, but is it possible that his behaviour is borne from envy? Is there anyway to get him dating some poor unsuspecting fool local girl with a similar background. I'm thinking his parents are worried about him and that's why they want him crow barred included in all your family occasions so he can see what he's missing and get a shifty on himself.

Your DH is really going to need to strap a pair on though when the snidey comments start.

BTW if BIL doesn't have kids of his own will one of yours inherit the farm?

Not saying you necessarily want them to given the bonkers way it makes people behave the lifestyle it entail.

However some out loud musing of the day that DS or DD will run the show might be amusing.

Hi Funky,
I'm from a farming family, so I know how the family dynamic can seem to all centre round the land/farm cottages/animals/the extended family trumping the nuclear family.
Someone mentioned perhaps going to the PIL for special occasions and I see you mentioned you had a sheepdog - does this mean you have the sheep to match? Because livestock are a great excuse to keep visits short. Need to check the sheep, need to give some antibiotics to a cow, need to get the chickens in or the fox will have them. If you don't have any livestock, it might be worth getting some!
It might also be worth making sure your position is entirely secure. I know you said your name is on the house deeds, but is the tenancy on the land tied up nice and legal? Farmers have a tendancy to not put the paperwork in place, especially if the letting is to a family member. Might be worth checking.

Was wondering if DCs are aware of problems. They will certainly sense the tension so imo should know what is going on and not have it hidden from them. You don't want them thinking 'mum is upset is it something I've done?' when it should be 'uncle x is a prat now he has upset mum'. Also if you and DH are discussing behind closed doors DCs might get wrong idea 'are mum and dad arguing?'.

Knowing that the DCs are in the know might restrain GPs histrionics.

Also wondering if BIL has a crush on you.

A free house is not worth this sort of grief sell it.

I am a m-i-l and we have helped most of our DC get on the housing ladder. That was our choice. Gifts,like love, should be unconditional and nobody has the 'right to be included in family occasions.I am always grateful to be invited but would never dream of complaining if I wasn't. YANBU and they are being very destructive of their relationship with you and the DC.

so they gave you the house but you pay rent on the land? so its not totally free? and you have paid to do up the house yourselves and you work on the farm? i dont think you are free loading at all!

with regards to the kids, yes boundaries, its not normal for them to want to go to all parties, school activities etc, some yes but not all.

drinking river water, dangerous, sweets...well thats what granparents do as long as its not loads just before dinner try to grin and bear it or else you get them and ration them!

its great they want to be involved but they are your kids, your dd's chilce of haircut is not their business! (my mil refused to take nay photos of my boys as they have long hair nad she said they looked like 'street urchin'! so i feel your pain)

the emotional blackmail is an issue and i second what the other poster said to tell her to go see a gp!

OP, I feel for you. My MIL is mostly fine, but she too likes to take over, I used to feel as though my job of being a mum is being taken away from me especially when she talks about my DCs Its like "We are raising DC's like this" kind of thing. She also buys them things they need like uniforms or shoes. Thats my job she can spoil them with sweets and toys. However, now I just let her get on with it and realise that she is something Im yet to be, a grandparent.

However in your case it does sound a little too controlling. People are saying that of course they should be invited to Christmas and Birthdays etc, but I can see from your posts OP that it is more than that. I too think its wierd that BIL would want to come to sports days. Also the "I can come over anytime I like" thing is wierd and controlling.

I also agree with other posters that it is up to DH to say something and stand by you. I kind of understand the point that was made in regards to he's grown up like that and probably doesnt realise it, but as his wife he should be listening to you and helping where appropriate.

As for being given the home, no you weren't. You were given some ruins and have done them a favour as they still own the land, but the run down building on it has been given to you. You're the ones who have paid to get it in a decent state to live in, you are the ones who have put effort into doing it up nice. Perhaps you should remind them of this the next time someone mentions you being a freeloader.

In regards to MIL threatening to top herself I also like the idea Snorbs has said.

I know this has passed, but I just want to mention to ignore the paragraph remarks. You were just letting it all out. If you are anything like me you probably just started to say something small, but before long it had all come silling out. Nothing wrong with that at all. I managed to read it quite easily by highlighting a bit in the middle which made it look a bit like paragraphs. Not really that difficult to do.

Hope you manage to come up with some solution.