Please help, Serious In Law Trouble!

[funkyfarmerswife]

Well thank god there are some other mums out there with grandparent problems. My MIL at present is threatening to have a mental breakdown because she hasn't seen the kids over Christmas but that was due to an argument on Christmas Eve where she told me I had ruined my husbands relationship with his brother (I haven't) and I have 'hogged' him ever since we married and my father in law said I was ungrateful and didn't deserve the house they had given me and my husband! Many many problems with them over last 8 years basically due to the fact they continue to push BIL into our lives as he is on his own and they feel sorry for him. I cannot stand the guy, still attached to mother by umbillical cord and is spoilt to death. Told me once that I was a freeloader and that he'd come to our place whenever he wanted to as his parents bought it! Basically they are requesting that every birthday, party, christmas, sports day, school play, and special occassion, I invite them and their other son and basically put a show on to make them feel happy despite the fact that I hate the BIL. So now forever more they expect me to involve them in our special times with our kids (3) despite the fact that it will ruin it for me. My FIL once rang us up (from another fall out) to say that MIL was up all night fretting and pacing the room cos she hadn't seen the kids for 2 weeks and we had better let her see them as she was making herself ill or could top herself! Surely, I should not have to give in to them? BIL is jealous of us because we have a family, nice home etc and tries his hardest to wind me up. Basically, they are ultra controlling, don't always do what I ask i.e sweet giving, let them ride on back of tractors, take 4 year old in pool without armbands (despite me telling them not a good idea to take them swimming as hard work with 3 kids), gave eldest river water to drink cos she was thirsty which made her violently ill, spoilt my double christening by being rude as I didn't ask for her help to make food, GOD I could go on and on and on.Help me please with your suggestions as I am seriously considering hitting the bottle or divorcing my husband. Who by the way tries to talk to them but the saga returns to it's normal state quickly. Seriously fed up with it all!! Is it me or them being unreasonable?

Op - YANBU
As other posters have pointed out, you are definitely not a free-loader as the house you were 'given' ( NOT bought as some posters have mistakenly assumed) was a ruin needing alot of your time and money.
Am I right in assuming we are talking about one farm here on which both your dh and bil work - or are there 2 different farms?
If the former, then the situation sounds even more unfair on you. The impression I have is that the family farm is being worked by both sons but that bil has been given the main farm house and the pils have moved out. Your 'gift' was another farm building which you have had to make habitable. So Why does bil get the 'main' house? Is there some sort of elder son thing going on here and what will the arrangements be in the future regarding inheritance? You could end up with a raw deal all ways round.
Sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick.
On another tack, If your pil have been doing all this work for bil , I hope he will be the one expected to look after them when the time comes. They sound just the sort of people to start expecting help from you just because you are female.

Funkyfarmer. I hope u are feeling clearer today. Please keep us updated and mumsnet is a great tool for ranting I find

I really helps!

My PIL are lovely but MIL can be a bit full-on at times. We've found the best way to manage events is to get in there first. So... for DD's birthday, I organise (and send out invites) for a birthday party on the nearest weekend, I do this in loads of time so they know. That way, we have a family party and then on her birthday, we have our family time with no obligation to see anyone and sometimes actually arrange to be away (not easy for you if you've got a farm).

I wonder if you might be able to do something similar for some events. I definitely think babysitting is the way forward. Particularly in your house so there's less chance of drinking river water!!

Good luck.

I think you should hand it all over to your DH to deal with. They are his parents and he needs to grow some balls.

My soft DH was ruled by my PIL's/his brother. It was almost like he was a child still and expected to jump into line despite being almost 40. A big issue came up recentlyand I was on the recieving end of some awful stuff despite having a new born. At first he bent over backwards to accomodate them despite the attack on me. I told him he could choose to grow some balls and ring them to sort it out or continue to behave like a a child and move back in with them. He chose the first option thankfully.

I agree that it really is up to the husband to say FFS stop forcing my brother on us

Am posting to mark my place in the thread so I can finish reading it and respond later.

Reason? Am married to a farmer, understand your issues and have a few ideas, but have to go and feed the stock with DH, so will reply later!

Gosh, so many really great ideas and advice. I can't begin to thank you all for what you have done. I now feel that I can tackle this issue head on. Have been busy for couple of days getting the kids ready to go back to school. You know how it is, you think you are all organsed and then when it actually comes to 8.45 it's a tits up disaster. Takes a couple of days to get back into the swing of it doesn't it.

What fantastic creatures we are, women I mean. We find it so easy to talk about our problems and share things. Most of the time we just keep on trucking along the road of life, keeping everything together and being strong but sometimes it's great to be able to talk.

I feel for men as I'm not sure if there is anything out there for them. They find it really hard to talk to their mates about problems and I think this is a shame.

I have talked at great length with the DH about this and told him some of your comments. 100 of you can't be wrong! I have told him to get a coffee and sit here and read some of them so that he can see that I am not being unreasonable.

You all have such a lot of good comments. I think that my MIL is a very clever woman as I feel that as she knows her son, she probably knows that he is very loyal (just not to me at the mo) and is playing on this hoping that she can win him round to her way of thinking. It cannot be right to ring your son and saying that all this is making her ill and why does he always side with his wife. He doesn't side with me, he just says nothing during 'discussions'. What I would really like to for my DH to turn around to his dad and say ' actually dad, my wife has put a great deal of time, effort and money into this farm and I don't think that she is ungrateful at all. Just because she doesn't want BIL involved doesn't give you the right to dictate what is going to happen just because you gave us the house'

To his mother, I would like him to say 'mum, you are going to have to realise that with 3 kids (all of whom have active social lives) we are going to be busy. We can't always pamber to your requests and are not going to. As for the BIL, it is not a normal level of interest that he shares in the kids and whilst we are not stopping him from seeing his nephews and nieces you should also respect that DW does not like him so you should stop forcing him onto our family events and pushing her to liking him. She has tried and it is not going to happen.

Does this sound about right or not? I don't want my husband to be alienated from them but I also think he needs to take control once and for all (for all our sakes). Yes to respond about the children, they do know what's going on. Rightly or wrongly, I am the sort of mother who likes to be honest with their kids and I don't think that life should be shown as one big fluffly cloud of loveliness. I just tell my eldest, that just as she doesn't like so and so at school that is the way mummy feels about BIL and it's not for her to feel like that about him too. You like who you like - it's your choice.

I am particularly grateful for PRANMA's comments from a MIL's side of things. I feel that your opinion on the matter is exactly what is should be. Supportive and helpful but with no expectations. If anything, someone like you would be MORE likely to be involved as you obviously have an understanding of the fact that your kids have their own lives to lead as well.

Enjoyresponsibly made me LAUGH and LAUGH.

Skybluepearl - perhaps I should try this tactic. Firm but worked eh?

You ALL have so many great responses that have cheered me up enormously. I will act on your advice, keep my head high and fight for the right us to be a normal family (well as normal as anyone can hope to be!)

Love to you all and will keep your informed. x

Sounds about right to me.

Perhaps if she stops pushing you might find the occasions when you have to seeBIL more tolerable & it might become less of an issue.

I´m fairly certain that when she had young children her & your FILs siblings weren´t foisted upon them!

Good Luck OP, let us know

I am glad you are feeling much more positive now. The only thing that I would not get your DH to say is that you don't like BIL. He can say that you didn't like the fact that BIL called you a freeloader and that obviously isn't the case, but I think if you say that you don't like him that will be held against you forever after and may make your life even more difficult.

Your DH definitely should tell your parents about anything horrible that BIL says to you and call BIL on anything that he says at the time that he says it.

There will always be people in your IL family or even your own that you don't like. Sometimes you just have to put up with it for the sake of harmony. (My father has been much more rude to DH thanyou have said your BIL has been to you and DH very kindly still allows father to come to our house for the sake of the bigger family unit. I think he is an absolute star for that and am always grateful. I wouldn't blame DH if he had never wanted to go anywhere where father was present, ever again.)

Like another poster, we had a party for DC and their friends and then a family tea (with aunts, uncles, GPs, etc). That seemed to work much better. If family came to DC parties for friends it always seemed to be difficult as they didn't like it that you didn't have time for them as you are always concerned about the friend DC.

Please come back and keep us updated.

Yes, never admit to not liking your BIL except to DH! You'll never live it down and it will come back to bite you in the ass many times over. Just concentrate on the behaviour of BIL rather than his likeability!

Please get an expert councillors advice on this situation. You are to close to it to see it objectively, as is everyone in the family who is involved. Having been an young mother with 4 children, and an overbearing mother in law, I look back and see that i was not always reasonable, though I really thought at the time I was. Now I am a grandmother and on the other side of the debate, I can see that my mother in law was not always reasonable either. I bend over backwards to get on with my daughter in law, I want to see my grandchild and my own son and his partner. I do all i can to facilitate that relationship, whats more, Im sure my daughter in law does as well.

Good luck and please try to not get to stressed about the situation. In your own home do not have the BIL if you dont want him, dont shilly shally, just say NO!

funkyfarmerswife - the way you've worded it - it's totally fine if you want to communicate your feelings to DH in this way (i.e. 'how I wish you could just say to them such and such...'), so that he has a better understanding of how hurt you feel by PIL words and actions. But if this is what you really expect DH to tell his own parents, then I think it is 1) harsh; 2) ineffective. It has too much of your own hatred and not enough of acknowledgement of their point of view. Will it alienate your DH and PILs? Oh yes!

It is harsh because you want your DH to tell them that 1) they were wrong (by calling you a freeloader - you really are asking for more trouble here by just touching the subject); 2) they will not have any say over when and if they will see their grandchildren (perhaps you meant something else, but this is what you said!); 3) DH is now on your side and not theirs, and there is no middle ground in between.

It is ineffective because you want your DH to tell his parents what they should do. And how do you think controlling people (or any people for that matter) will react to that?

An extra, possibly less problematic layer, is that you tell DH what you want him to do too! - in a very specific way. Given you're both adults I think it's enough to just explain your feelings and leave it to your DH to decide what he wants to do with that, or if you're desperate, then ask him an open question about how he thinks he can tackle the problem, in a way that is acceptable to everybody (him, as well as you, as well as PIL). It is likely that a compromise will be needed.

Ideally, you want to be firmly focussed on the future, not the past, and agree with DH on what privacy you would need, and what limits to the extended family visits you will be trying to put in place. Any conversations with PILs have to be about the future events, and not the past, and preferably not about BIL (he's an adult so you can talk to him separately).

Also, do not forget that DH probably wants to retain the best possible relationship with his parents in the future. If so, then it's not always about winning their approval or winning an argument. But with controlling people - even more so than with others - winning the argument is not the right strategy. You will fail. Either at winning the argument, or at staying sane.