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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not make his dinner?

105 replies

honda123 · 07/01/2012 19:51

Should I make my partner dinner every day?

He works in the building trade and obviously has a very physical job, I made meatloaf but had not done any veg, he came home and threw a wobbly because I was watching a film on the laptop and he said that I should have the dinner ready for him.

Should I??

9 times out of 10 I have made dinner for him when he's working and I'm off.

Each time I have not cooked or the times I've cooked something simple like sausage sandwiches he has been furious and said that I am having a lend of him for not making a proper dinner.

Am I?

My response to him when he says this is that it's not a restaurant and while it is nice if your partner makes dinner it is not compulsory. And that it is not the 1950's!

So, am I being totally unreasonable to expect him to cook himself some veg when he get's home or even not have made dinner at all????

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 07/01/2012 20:09

Depends on several things. Have you been sitting on your arse doing nothing all day? Have you been out at work/working hard around the house or from home? Do you love him enough to want to make him a meal for when he comes in after work if it's been convienient for you to do so? He's being an arse if he actually used the words "you should have had my dinner ready" or similar, but if he just sort of asked if there was anything else available to turn the meatloaf into a meal then he wasn't.
I make tea Wink we eat dinner in the middle of the day for DH coming in from work on the days when I am physically able to do so, and he appreciates it. That's how it works for us, but if there is nothing ready he doesn't say anything "snotty" or negative, he will ask if I've planned anything or if there's anything he can do to help/do we need shopping etc.
Would it really have been so hard for you to open a tin of beans or prepare a few veg so he could have eaten when he got home? Maybe he was snotty because he was starving, looking forward to his food, and then arrived to find there wasn't any. It does make you look lazy and like you don't care if you're sitting playing canny on your computer and doing nothing, especially when he compares it to the day he's had working hard. You're not his dogsbody or servant, but you are his partner, maybe he wants you to act like one and be a bit kind/nice sometimes. If you've faffed on making meatloaf, put in the extra 10 mins and make some veg.

TidyDancer · 07/01/2012 20:11

Not enough info to call it really.

Would really depend on what he is willing to do for you when he is the one at home, and what you have done that day while he has been at work.

If you've both been working, then chores (including cooking) need to be split reasonably equally.

loosyloo · 07/01/2012 20:13

i do it because its only fair if i am home all day and he is working, it doesnt hurt me to cook a proper meal for him

plus i do it because i love him and want to

if he is home and i am working, he cooks

works for us. no big deal

bonzo77 · 07/01/2012 20:19

What else have you been doing all day? Do you have time to cook? Are you preparing a meal for anyone else? Does he pull his weight (financially, practically)?

onemoreminute · 07/01/2012 20:22

Have you been at work all day ? Do you have a very small baby ? If not you should have cooked.

troisgarcons · 07/01/2012 20:22

The partner first home makes dinner.

tigermoll · 07/01/2012 20:22

So....

He thinks he has a right to expect you to cook for him, and when you don't (or when you make something he considers 'not good enough') he feels justified in 'throwing a wobbly' and demanding you improve to meet his standards?

No. YANBU. You are not his skivvy, nor is it your job as a woman to make sure he has his dinner on the table.

EVEN IF you were sitting at home on your arse, doing NOTHING, while he went out to work to support you everyday, it would STILL not be OK for him to shout, demand and browbeat you about his dinner.

In the unlikely scenario that you two have discussed and agreed that HE will do the paid work, whilst YOU do the cooking, it would still not be acceptable for him to get angry, shout, sulk and try to manipulate you for not fulfilling your half of the deal.

Is he this entitled and self centred about other things as well?

baubleybobbityhat · 07/01/2012 20:25

Totally unacceptable to rant at someone for not making dinner.

Kayano · 07/01/2012 20:25

I wouldn't be impressed if I worked all day and came home to find DH watching films and no tea for me

troisgarcons · 07/01/2012 20:25

there was another thread like this but it was the female who had been out all day and the bloke hadnt cooked - the stunning comment on that was "anyone who has been at work all day should come home to a bath run for them" - oh I did chuckle @ that.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/01/2012 20:26

True, tigermoll, but in that event I consider he would be entitled to end the relationship. Politely, of course!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 07/01/2012 20:26

I do it all week, we all muck in at weekends, I dont work at the moment (redundancy Sad) so feel I have to but sometimes I really get hacked off at trying to think of something different ever fecking day

BluddyMoFo · 07/01/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll · 07/01/2012 20:28

I live with my DP, and there is no way I would ever rant/throw a wobbly/be furious if I came home and found he hadn't made me dinner. Why should he? Before we lived together, I was perfectly capable of doing a full day's work, then coming home and cooking for myself. Else I'd have starved to death.

If he is cooking, he will usually ASK me if I'd like some too. And I will do the same for him. But neither of us demands that the other feeds us.

BellaVita · 07/01/2012 20:29

We need more info OP.

I work 25 hours a week part time term time, DH works 40 hours every week and has a longer commute, I make his dinner every day...

adinaabfab · 07/01/2012 20:30

I am a SAHM, I make DH's dinner during the week and he cooks at weekend. Smile

tigermoll · 07/01/2012 20:31

True, tigermoll, but in that event I consider he would be entitled to end the relationship. Politely, of course!

Exactly. He seems to think that he is 'justified' in treating the OP badly because she isn't doing what he wants. The truth is, no one is ever justified in treating their partner badly. They treat them well, or they end the relationship.

BellaVita · 07/01/2012 20:31

However, he would never ever moan if I hadn't done anything. He would just ask what he could have out of the fridge...asking by way of making sure he wasn't using something planned for the week.

lollygag · 07/01/2012 20:34

YANBU! I had the same situation a few years ago.I stuck to my guns and refused to cook.I came home one day and he had left.I felt I had stuck to my principals though and when I thought about it I can't have loved him that much anyway if I couldn't be bothered to cook for him.

tigermoll · 07/01/2012 20:40

can't have loved him that much anyway if I couldn't be bothered to cook for him

Do you love him enough to want to make him a meal for when he comes in after work

Argh! Can we all stop basically saying to the OP 'Well, if you really loved him, you wouldn't mind cooking for him. When a woman really loves a man, properly, she likes making dinner for him'.

We are not talking here about two people having difficult finding an even split of domestic tasks. We are talking about a partner who thinks its ok to 'throw a wobbly' and 'get furious' when things aren;t done to his satisfaction.

ginmakesitallok · 07/01/2012 20:42

Honda - for some strange reason I'm getting Norn Iron vibes???

baubleybobbityhat · 07/01/2012 20:46

I don't think lollygag was being entirely truthful.

My dh works 40 to 80 hours a week (approx) and I work 0 hours and I do not cook him dinner every day.

I don't particularly enjoy cooking and I find it a chore. When he has a day or two off I ask him what he will be cooking for us in the evening. This is perhaps once per week or 10 days. I really don't think that is unreasonable?

In the summer when he hardly works at all he cooks more often than that.

OP does dinner 9 times out of 10. Are we really saying she is being unreasonable if she doesn't do it 10 times out of 10?

TeriyakiWoo · 07/01/2012 20:48

Really you shouldn't have to cook dinner every day for him like it's some sort of obligation. He's not a child.

Obviously people might think ''oh if you loved him you'd cook dinner for him every day without question'' but it's not about love, it's about respect.

On his days off does he cook for you?

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 07/01/2012 21:07

Jeez, this seems old fashioned to me. I'm at home but am under no obligation to cook for my husband. I am of course responsible for the kids' tea. If I have cooked for me then I will always cook for husband. But if I just have a sarnie then he just makes something himself, because I am NOT A SERVANT.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 21:11

If you are at home and he was out working hard, yes, you should have made his dinner. Unless you were doing something equally demanding.