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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not make his dinner?

105 replies

honda123 · 07/01/2012 19:51

Should I make my partner dinner every day?

He works in the building trade and obviously has a very physical job, I made meatloaf but had not done any veg, he came home and threw a wobbly because I was watching a film on the laptop and he said that I should have the dinner ready for him.

Should I??

9 times out of 10 I have made dinner for him when he's working and I'm off.

Each time I have not cooked or the times I've cooked something simple like sausage sandwiches he has been furious and said that I am having a lend of him for not making a proper dinner.

Am I?

My response to him when he says this is that it's not a restaurant and while it is nice if your partner makes dinner it is not compulsory. And that it is not the 1950's!

So, am I being totally unreasonable to expect him to cook himself some veg when he get's home or even not have made dinner at all????

OP posts:
Original poster
honda123 · 07/01/2012 22:48

I do cook for him, I said he usually cooks but it's not every night, probably 4 times to my 3 each week

OP posts:
Original poster
honda123 · 07/01/2012 22:48

Thank you Katie

OP posts:
strictlovingmum · 07/01/2012 22:54

You said it yourself, he is in building trade, doing long hours of a very physical job, your DP probably gets very tired and hungry, I would have no problem cooking for him, in fact on my day of I would make it special and cook something he really likes with bottle of nice wine, would wait for him so we could eat together, but that's me, perhaps I am stuck in 50's.
I cook dinner every day for four of us, and I do take pleasure in the fact that we can all sit together and eat it while going over our day, DH will bathe DD clear the table, load the dishwasher, have one to one with DS, I like the dynamic of our family life, because our lives are hectic enough without complicating it further with triviality of "Who is going to cook the dinner tonight", I just do it.

TartyMcFarty · 07/01/2012 23:00

YANBU at all in the circs you describe. Both DH and I work. Most of the time one of us will cook I usually prepare something for DD earlier as one or the other of us might work late. If now and then neither of us can be bothered, we have cereal, toast or a takeaway. Why should you conform to a set of rigid rules in your own home?

TheSmallClanger · 07/01/2012 23:07

If cooking is normally your job on a given day, deciding not to is Not Really On, without warning. However, demanding dinner on the table as soon as you walk in and/or moaning about it is shit behaviour, no matter what either of you have been doing all day.

Bogeyface · 07/01/2012 23:15

If you split the cooking approx 60/40 with him doing more, why do you do 90% of the washing and cleaning?

Very shocked at the comments on here that basically assume that any woman who doesnt cook her man a meal every day is a selfish bitch, but that any time he puts a load of washing on she should be down on her knees giving him a Thank You bj!

Inertia · 07/01/2012 23:15

He's being unreasonable to throw a tantrum about it and make demands.

In this particular case it would be pointless to do veg in advance as it would just go soggy- if the meatloaf was already made then it would be pretty quick easy to bung some new potatoes, peas and broccoli in boiling water once he was in.

On the other hand, it would have been a considerate thing for you to do for him when he got in from work- in most partnerships that are running smoothly, each partner does what they can to help the other out- it's not a one-way street though, and it's certainly not the case that the wife should always cook for the husband. What happens on his days off? You spent yours cleaning- does your partner get equal amounts of time off , and does he make a contribution to household tasks then?

What bothers me is you mentioning your anxiety about cooking for him tomorrow- it's not right that you should feel frightened into doing it. And these issues are the sort of thing that need to be ironed out in advance if you are considering having children.

solidgoldbrass · 07/01/2012 23:19

It's possible that he came home tired, hungry and irritable after a particularly crap day and was therefore a bit obnoxious. Which might be excusable in someone who is otherwise a loving partner, as everyone is bad-tempered sometimes.
However, it does sound like it hit on someting deeper as in he may well have the idea that women exist to service men even if the woman has a paid job of her own. Maybe you need a sit down chat with him about how you each see your roles in the family OP. He is not your boss or your owner.

ladymariner · 07/01/2012 23:22

I think it's all about partnerships and splitting things equally. I work 27 hrs a week term time, whilst dh works 12 hour shifts, so when he's at work I couldn't imagine not having a dinner cooked for him when he comes in. Saying that, when he's home and I'm at work I have no problem telling him what we'Re having for tea and asking him to make a start on it. And before I get flamed for having to tell dh what we're eating that night, it's just how it works in our house. We work together.

lurkinginthebackground · 07/01/2012 23:26

After reading all the posts op I think YANBU.
Why doesn't he do more of the housework?
I don't have any answers as I do more than 50% and to be quite frank have told dh, yet again, that I am quite pissed off with all the chores I do. Not only do I clean/tidy after myself but we have 3 dcs who imo are more than capable to be tidying up/clearing up after themselves. It is a constany battle and I regularly remind dh that actually I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MY FRIGGING LIFE CLEANING UP!

Kayano · 07/01/2012 23:27

So he usually does the cooking most days when you both work? If that's the case you could have made him something when you were off...

I'm getting confused and starting to feel like there is a bit of a drip feeding going on now.

Original poster
honda123 · 07/01/2012 23:32

he gets one day off a week and I get two, in the past when he had more time off we split the cleaning a bit more equally although I still did more.

I agree that it only takes a few minutes to do the veg, hence why I didn't think it was such a big deal, as I said I made the meatloaf as the main part of the meal.

Should I really cater to his every whim? We are both individuals and not robots.

OP posts:
Original poster
honda123 · 07/01/2012 23:36

he does the cooking 4 times a week, he does a wash maybe once a month and has vacuumed perhaps 3 times in a year. Changed the sheets one time in a year. But I understand that he works longer hours so while I do get a bit frustrated doing it all I don't feel like I can expect more from him.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 07/01/2012 23:45

It's not about catering to his every whim, if it was I'd say kick him into touch straightaway. I just think if dh has been at work and I'm at home then it's just normal to have a meal ready for him.

MuslinSuit · 07/01/2012 23:48

I'm Shock at the number of posters who seem stuck in the 1950s.

OP YANBU. No-one has the right to have a go at you for not cooking, it's bonkers reading some of the reasons on this thread why you must satisfy your Man. All the time. And never let things slide - Man is then justified in having a go at you.

I almost always cook, also work full-time same as DH, if I can't be arsed we get takeaway. Kind of a treat for me doing it uncomplainingly every other day. If I cook something a bit crap, DH would never criticise - he is thankful to me for providing food!

Really, if we were to criticise every aspect of 'expected behaviour' from our partners, where would it end?

'you didn't spend enough time on foreplay - you twat'

'why don't you earn enough to buy me a Porsche, you wankstain?'

'you didn't take the rubbish out and we missed the collection! I deserve better than this, you total fuckwit'

Or is it only 'female' jobs which must be done unfailingly on pain of anger?

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/01/2012 23:53

normal for you maybe ladym

rare indeed for me

I made him chicken once though, it was disgusting.

smupcakes · 07/01/2012 23:58

We are in the same situation (DP a builder and I'm studying so most often home earlier etc). If I hadn't made dinner DP would ask me if I'd like him to go and pick up takeaway. Though I usually make dinner as he works v.hard and want to show him I appreciate it!

MorrisZapp · 08/01/2012 00:07

Bit odd about the working all day thing. Big woop - what do single people do? Starve?

Dp and I rarely cook for each other. We both work and we both fix our own meals. I cannot imagine what kind of state of exhaustion I'd have to be in to be incapable of feeding myself.

Bogeyface · 08/01/2012 00:13

I forgot to say when I posted earlier, I have been at home all day with the kids (5 of them) and he has been at work.

He had a quiet day, by his own admission and didnt really have to do much.

I on the other hand.....

Plumbed out (or un-plumbed, or whatever the phrase is!) the knackered washing machine AND dishwasher. Dragged them out to the yard for the scrappers, got the new (ish) washer from the conservatory and plumbed it in and got the new (ish) dishwasher out of my car, which was not fun, and plumbed that in too, having picked it up first thing. This was in between feeding the baby and the other kids, breaking up fights, keeping the baby amused, sorting out hair and make up for the fashion show (!) and helping DS on his Wii game.

When DH got in he asked what I had eaten and I said I had had a piece of toast. He didnt ask what was for dinner, just asked if there was anything I didnt want him to eat as it was planned for another meal. Then he made us chicken and chips and gave me more of the chicken as he said I needed it more!

MiniMonty · 08/01/2012 00:26

YES - you are being unreasonable.
No 1950's vibes here at all - just one at work and one at home.
He's out working - you're home so GET OVER YOURSELF.
Slick up a few veg - tiny effort required.
Sort a proper meal out. Meatloaf with no veg is nasty (even for feminists).
I'm ever so sure that I'm not the first to tell you that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

DamnYouAutoCoqAuVin · 08/01/2012 00:30

Katie, why was the chicken disgusting?

OP YANBU. How dare YourFileHost Doralice to Young Mike Thatcher!

DamnYouAutoCoqAuVin · 08/01/2012 00:31

your DP speak to you like that

InMyChime · 08/01/2012 01:31

No vegetables with dinner is really a minor thing so he definitely overreacted. He has no right to demand anything from you or shout at you if he thinks the dinner isn't quite what he wanted. He can ask for more food or ask to discuss it but shouting and being rude isn't a solution.

It sounds like you have different expectations of dinner and different levels of hunger so just have a chat with him about that. It sounds like he is very hungry when he gets through the door and is losing his temper because of that. Is he under a lot of pressure at work? If so, maybe he's taking this out on you? If he regularly loses his temper and flips out about minor things, then that's more serious and you need to tackle it...

FairlyDinkum · 08/01/2012 03:13

As a feminist, I love a bit of meatloaf with my vag.

yellowraincoat · 08/01/2012 03:24

Jesus no. My partner works twice the hours I do, some days I can be arsed cooking, some days I can't. Since I do almost all the housework, shopping and cooking, if I can't be arsed one night, he can go to the takeaway if he's that bothered.

Fuck someone taking a massive strop at me because I didn't do their tea.

YANBU OP

PS - are you from the north of Scotland? It was the "taking a lend of me" that makes me ask.