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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be 'judgy' over my friend leaving her 8 & 6 year old home alone for 10 mins?

283 replies

nevermore · 06/01/2012 15:52

Popped round to see a friend the other night and her two boys answered the door saying both parents had popped out. Was rather shocked since they are 8 & 6. OK it was a short time and only a few streets away but they went by car (therefore risk of being involved in crash) and it was late evening. I told her I was shocked and thought that if police had called they could have been in trouble. More worrying though to me is fire etc. Am I being a smug suburban mother (am certainly not perfect) but I find this quite shocking & suspect we may fall out a bit over it.

OP posts:
countessbabycham · 07/01/2012 14:45

Isn't it all to do with minimizing risk thoughcory? Life is full of risks,and,yes,something could happen to us Mums while at home with a very young child.Its not irresponsible to be at home with them alone - its an unavoidable risk and part of life.

But making a well thought out decision on when,and under what circumstances,we leave our children alone,is something that,by and large,we do have some control over.

Its not just accidents that concern me,but the sheer impulsive of some children and the naughtiness factor.A child who is behaving well can be seen to be really sensible and capable.But what if they decide to do something plain naughty and downright dangerous? I know I did some things like that as an older child.

Again,I stress it's not up to me to judge what others do,and to some degree I find myself playing Devils Advocate. I cannot deny the fact that I am also a born worrier!

seeker · 07/01/2012 14:50

In my experience a 15 year old is far more likely to do something naughty or dAngerous than an 8 year old- but nobody sane would say you shouldn't leVe a 15 year old!

countessbabycham · 07/01/2012 14:57

I hear what you're saying seeker and have no answer !!!!

To be fair,I could be stupidly dangerous (and naughty)throughout my teens and early twenties so I can see this. I suppose at a certain point my parents decided it was my responsibility and my decision (but I don't recall when). I haven't reached this point with mine yet so I'm not qualified to comment!!!!!

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 15:01

I bet there are some parents on here who wouldn't leave their 15yr old (they just wouldn't like to say so!!!!)

cazboldy · 07/01/2012 15:08

I leave my 15 yo now, and leave my 12yo (although for no more than 1/2 an hour)

I wouldn't leave them together - they squabble and would end up arguing.

Neither would i leave them (either of them) looking after my 10, 6 or 4 yo.

I will not leave any of the younger 3 at all - even for 5 mins.

I don't thinkn it's fair for them to have to take responsibility for the younger ones - it's an unfair burden.

The main reason that i don't leave them is it does not feel "right" - so i don't do it!

If you can leave them, and not have a horrible knotty feeling in your stomach, or be at all concerned then fine..... I guess each of us are different on this......

In response to the op, I think YANBU at all...... I turned up at my sil to drop off a birthday card and hy neice had been left on her own (8) I waited for a while - apparently sil had been gone a while already, but when she didn't return I texted sil and took dneice with me - I felt wrong about leaving her. Now I am sure a lot of you would say it wasn't my decision to make, but I couldn't live with myself knowing I had left her if anything had happened to her. Sad

Why do some people have kids? Sad

BigusBumus · 07/01/2012 15:10

I leave my 9 and 5 year old for up to 10 mins and the 9 yo on his own for up to half an hour. The house hasn't spontaneously combusted, I have not died. The worst thing that often happens is that they eat all the biscuits. Wink

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 15:18

I don't know how you manage for babysitters. I left my 15yr old baby sitting the 7yr old and 5 yr old in the evening-it would have been deadly embarrassing for him to have a babysitter for all of them.

cazboldy · 07/01/2012 15:23

we rarely go out Grin but if we do i only ever have my mum/dad to babysit

TheGrimSweeper · 07/01/2012 15:30

Well, I leave dd 8 on her own for 10 mins now and again to pop over the road to the shop

She's perfectly happy with this and knows she can ring me to come back immediately if for any reason she eNtail me back.

She's such a goody two shoes so I trust her fully, and this is one of the ways I show her my trust.

Why do some parents encourage over dependency in their dc? Growing up and maturing is not one event but rather a process during which dc are given increasing responsibility. Starting from as early as poss by doing things like putting dirty dishes in sink to hitting 18 and having the maturity to look after themselves.

Jmo!

seeker · 07/01/2012 15:54

"If you can leave them, and not have a horrible knotty feeling in your stomach, or be at all concerned then fine..... I guess each of us are different on this......"

Well, in my opinion, if you can't leave your 15 year old in charge of his younger siblings without a horrible knotty feeling then perhaps you should be thinking about addressing your anxiety? Obviously he's perfectly old enough to be in charge- so maybe you need to think about what's stopping you letting him be grown up?

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 15:56

I think it weird that a 16 yr old can be married, and join the army, but a few months before he needs a grandparent to babysit him because he can't be allowed to care for younger siblings.

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 15:58

Why do some parents encourage over dependency in their dc?

  1. They want to feel needed.
  2. It isn't easy-it is much simpler not to give responsibility.
SaraBellumHertz · 07/01/2012 16:07

Not letting a 15 year old mind younger siblings is strange. They are months of legally being allowed to live independently with their own child Confused

TheGrimSweeper · 07/01/2012 16:15

I'll add that dnephew has been taking the train from his town to ours and back since he was 13. A 2 hour journey which includes change of train - nothing seems to have happened to him...

Easier and more comfortable to attach dc to yourself but does no one any favours Hmm

Pagwatch · 07/01/2012 16:19

I am getting quite annoyed at the endless suggestion that an older sibling watching a younger sibling is a terrible burden.
Some children relish responsibility. Some children don't.

Saying it is inevitably burdensome and unwanted is either just dim or shows a shocking lack of imagination. Children are all different.

seeker · 07/01/2012 16:28

Agree Pagwatch. And is, come to think of it, the newest of new thinking. A generation ago, two at most, older siblings routinely looked after younger ones. I can understand how being asked to do it continually might be a burden, and I'm not advocating going back to the days when 8 year old girls effectively "mothered" a gaggle of younger siblings, but my dd would be outraged and hurt if I had got an evening baby sitter for her younger brother once she got to 14 or so. And she would have also been upset at the suggesting that she couldn't look after him during the day for an hour or so from much younger.

BeribbonedGibbon · 07/01/2012 16:29

I'd 'look after you' anytime Pag

SaraBellumHertz · 07/01/2012 17:18

My 7 year old would kill to be left in charge of her 10 mth old sister: She'd spend hours changing her outfits, putting clips in her hair and force feeding her extra portions of pasta. She's only left alone with the 6 year old cos he,s quite tough and wil punch h on the arm if she insists on trying to carry him around like a newborn Grin

Pagwatch · 07/01/2012 17:29

Hey Gibbon Grin

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 18:48

It was a regular thing that you looked after younger DCs, I enjoyed it-I can't remember it ever feeling a burden. At 9/10yrs I used to regularly bath my 3yr old brother and read his bedtime story-I still look back on it fondly.
I'm not sure when we got this idea that they shouldn't be asked and it is too much of a burden, I guess around the time that we started to take away all responsibility e.g. they shouldn't boil a kettle because they will scald themselves.
Now it is left to schools, and outside agencies like Scouts, to give real responsibility, which is sad when it should start in the family.

BeribbonedGibbon · 07/01/2012 19:03

Hello Pag my lovely Smile

My brothers looked after me on occasion and it's happy memories all round.

I was a delight obv.

BecauseImperfect · 07/01/2012 19:11

Yanbu. Lazy parenting. Lots of them it seems. It takes 10 mins to get them in the car. Why take the little risk. That something serious could happen.

A fall to the head a slip down the stairs. Leaving an 8yo in charge. I personally think its lazy parents.

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 19:14

I personally think it lazy parenting not to let them take responsibility and discuss 'what if.....' miles easier to pile them in the car.

exoticfruits · 07/01/2012 19:18

And in the 10 mins it takes to get them in the car you could be there and back!

BecauseImperfect · 07/01/2012 19:20

That's nice. I think lazy parents are bad parents. Lots of them on mn. Wondered how some regulars had so much time. They don't actually supervise their kids.

Fat lazy parents can't put their children in the car as they can't be bothered to take them to the shops.

Quick shout at me, abuse me. I don't care I'm going out. That's my aibu opinion!

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