to think that the SAHP might be able to do a little house work?

[entropyglitter]

taking a break from hoovering...

So hands up who thinks it is plausible that the SAHP of a high maintenance 7 mo finds it totally impossible to fit in hoovering, washing up or anything except putting the washing machine on?

The Op said they were both getting up in the night bobbledunk (presumably she is breastfeeding) and I get the impression that they are both caring for the baby in the evenings, just that she can't do it on her own.

Sounds like changing sleeping arrangements so that your dh gets a better nights sleep and perhaps investigating gentler cleaning products that he is more comfortable using might be the baby steps to take for now. Your dd will (probably) get easier to care for as she gets older, and hopefully you will get better too, so I'd hold on for the longer term i think.

Hmm. When my DS was 7mo he was in a playpen to limit toy expansion, exposure to dirty floors when I cba to hoover (another child who wasn't prone to napping for nice long naps and who woke easily) and generally give me a bit of a break from holding him.
I managed to do the laundry and tidying, and to prepare mine and DS's breakfasts and lunch, but DH had to do dinner. This was because I did all the night work all the time, because DH "needed his sleep as he was working" and he believed that babies "slept all day" . DH was also allocated most of the washing up/dishwasher/kitchen cleaning duties as his part of the deal. I used to wash up the bits I'd used for DS while he was in the highchair (it was in the kitchen, next to the sink) but wouldn't usually do a big wash-up.

So - your DH could do a bit more, I think. But possibly not as much as you'd like him to. :)

bobbledunk - you did notice that the OP had been diagnosed with PND, did you? Just wondering how you thought your post fitted in with being at all considerate of that fact...

It is plausible - I am facing this with a 13 month old.
We co-sleep - breastfed on demand (as well as eating everything in sight)
Still not sleeping through.
Screams/cries/sobs if I leave the room for any amount of time
12 kilos already and ergo carrier whilst doing housework not doable - i did try
Will do 10 mins of high chair and tellytubbies/balamory if I am in view
Will do 10 mins in travel cot if not seen some of the toys for a while
Will do 5 mins in rainforest bouncer if I am desperate
Naps only if I am with her in bed or on sofa

Plus I am dealing with a backlog....Euro-mountain of laundry, older sibling's crap all over the place, needing to get out from under and running out of time and space.

It is plausible. It is also highly stressful and guilt-inducing.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch - I take your point but just because the OP has PND, it doesn't mean the husband has no needs. He may be feeling pretty wretched himself. Without minimising her depression (I'm really not) - having a think about what her DH's position is like wouldn't hurt at all - especially as her mindset at the moment is to think he's taking the piss when in fact it sounds like his burden is pretty heavy.

just a thought... something that never occured to me when I was dealing with a backlog a while ago... Could you afford a service wash and take all the laundry to a dry-cleaner or launderette? Just as a one off it could get you on the right track, having clean things makes such a difference.
I can second the motion that lack of sleep has a lot to answer for.
I'm still having terrible nights with a toddler (last night being one of them) There is no way I'd now want to stay in the house with her and clean today, she will be wingey on account of lack of sleep and trying to work around a wingey child when you are already tired is just so soul-destroying.
But it will pass.... maybe try to only worry about having a basically hygienic but messy house for now..!

Thinking back to when DS was 7 months old...

I worked full time 7.30-6pm with a 90 minute commute each way. DH was the SAHP. He did childcare and laundry, I did keeping roof overhead / food on table. I cooked, we both cleared up when DS was in bed.

Housecleaning we shared at weekends. When DS had a nap in the day, I expected my husband to use that time to read, play computer games, nap himself (he did all the night feeds & changes), rest and recharge. I would definitely not have expected him to do housework in it.

Haven't read the whole thread but here is my view.

I am a SAHM with 3 young DCs. I am of the opinion that any time when they are all asleep / at school or nursery simultaneously is PARTLY for me to catch up on housework and MAINLY for some downtime for me. I'm also one of the people who prioritises care of the DCs over doing the housework when they are awake (because I had clingy DCs? Or were they clingy as a result of this?). I would be more than pissed off if DH came home from work and questioned what I had been doing all day.

Having said all of that, I do not expect DH to come home from work and do any housework himself.

So this is achieved by a combination of:

Having a cleaner (although tbh a once a week cleaner still means the washing up, tidying etc has to be done every day)
Me doing some housework in the evenings (personally I prefer to rush round in the evening rather than try and fit it all into the day)
Having relatively low standards (these come naturally to me; DH took a bit of getting used to them)

HTH

Tbh, when dd was in the feeding all night stage I would have gone stir crazy without being able to hand her over and go for a shower, nip to the shops etc. If dh had started criticising my housekeeping too I'd have felt completely demoralised and got at from all angles. I'm not saying you are criticising him OP, just to go easy on each other while you are all struggling in other areas.

It can be hard with a non mobile baby (to be replaced with other challenges once they are mobile!) as you have to move them arpund with you. I don't like to describe 'needy' behaviour as high maintenance as they're just babies, needing what they need. We thought dd was easy going, but in hindsight she was pretty hard work, should just would not be left without tears, which I wouldn't have. Which is why slinging in a good wrap saved my sanity (I have a plain navy blue one in the collection dh will wear btw!), that and just accepting that all you can do is parent the child you have, not the one others tell ypu about.

Fwiw, dd is 16 months now, into everything (Hazie's post v familiar!) and totally not the 'clingy' baby she once was. Responding to her and allowing her to be needy has ruined all independence.

Doh, hasn't ruined all independence.

Am including cooking in housework - DH rarely does that either.

PS 2 of my DCs were bad sleepers.

WRT having a shower with a clingy non-mobile baby - I am an expert in continuous peepo behind the shower curtain while washing hir etc at breakneck speed - she lies on the floor by the bath on a changing mat. Can be done, but harder than taking a shower sans baby.

Or have a bath instead of a shower as it's easier to bring the baby in with you? I've often had a bath with all 3 of my DCs (or 2 of them plus a massive bump!).

tsc you are still doing more than the ops dh tho and that with 3 one of whom is a nightmare at the moment by the sounds of it! a lovely nightmare i am sure.

i dont think its unreasonable to ask that he cleans up the mess from lunch even if that it is just stacking the dirty dishes and wipes down the highchair.

a spottlessly tidy house, no but a bit of basic picking up after yourself is perfectly doable even with a 7mth old baby.

Yes yes to a toddler who loves helping with the housework! And I though it was just me who was blessed with this joy. My DS2 loves unloading the dishwasher. He insists on taking out every item one at a time and handing it to me to put away. You can imagine his disappointment if I try to take out several plates in one go and put them straight in the cupboard! His absolute favourite though is washing up. As soon as he sees me filling the sink with water, he will rush over with his stool, climb on it and roll up his sleeves in order to start washing up all the items. So helpful! His piece de resistance was microwaving the phone...

I also have a DD who does not enjoy watching TV - nightmare!!

OP, having read the whole thread, I suggest you sit down with your DH and tell him what a great job you think he is doing as a Dad. Say it would be really helpful if he could sweep / wipe the floor after her meals (as someone said upthread, that is a job which is much easier to do at the time, rather than several hours later when the food has dried and stuck to the floor). Ask if there are any similarly small changes you could do that would make a difference to his load?

Basically it is about appreciating each other's strengths and working together as a team.

(not read whole thread)
I have a nearly-11mo. Every day I swish and swipe loo and basin, feed the cats, do a load of washing and drying, empty and fill the dishwasher, wipe kitchen surfaces and cook dinner. We always go out to a toddler group/friend's house/walk around too. I didn't use to hoover or mop, but now she's just (I know!) learnt to crawl, I'll have to start. V lucky to have a fortnightly cleaner, so things like dusting and proper bathroom clean take place then. During naptime I mumsnet do life admin chores, like paying bills or meal planning.

I shower in the evening when she's in bed. I prefer morning showers, but just far too stressful - she cries if left in cot or jumperoo and rarely naps in the morning.

It's much easier now - when she was teenytiny, I'd often have days when I got nothing done. This are now pretty rare.

I find it impossible to get anything done in the day when I'm alone looking after 11wo DS (apart from putting a load in the washing machine) so I do the housework in the evening when DP is here and can keep an eye on DS. SERIOUS and rigorous housework like doing nasty bits between bathroom tiles and hoovering between cracks in old knackered floorboards is shared and done at weekends.

Oh yes, so I think YAB a bit U to expect him to do that during the day but maybe he could do it in the evenings. Hard to say really as it's impossible to assess the reality of anyone's domestic situation without living there!

children will remember the fun they had growing up and the smiles and love they had from their parents, they will not remember if the house was clean and tidy.... unless truly minging to health at risk proportions.

What was he like before the baby came along?