to think that the SAHP might be able to do a little house work?

[entropyglitter]

taking a break from hoovering...

So hands up who thinks it is plausible that the SAHP of a high maintenance 7 mo finds it totally impossible to fit in hoovering, washing up or anything except putting the washing machine on?

Father - that sounds quite similar to me. Although we had a cleaner for a couple of hours a week so the hoovering was always done by her

yes anxious is one word for it. He knows on some level that it is better for DD to get some germs in her than to live in a sterile environment but also has it in his head that cleaning products are evil and should not be used near babies. This is probably how he ends up not cleaning but then being paranoid about toys. Well actually Im not sure that does make sense...but he gets angry when I ask about it so we may never know. I am hoping once she crawls it will become obvious that having a slightly cleaner floor and not giving a toss about toys being on it is the way forward.

Was it his choice to stay at home?

Is he going out and about with her?

Does he see anyone during the day?

My x always used to say things like the OP and I hated him beyond hate for it in the end, he just didnt care enough to see past the so called mess - I was exhausted, mentally and physically - did the washing, cleaned the bathroom, swept through and washed up every day. This was usually trashed the moment X walked in who would then accuse me of sitting on my arse all day - along with a 4yr old and a very colicy poorly baby.... I couldnt put her down half the time as she would scream from the wind pain...there were days I couldnt bath, I was so stressed I was beside myself... yes I understand its frustrating feeling like you have to come home to do the housework but being a sahp is seriously the hardest thing I ever ever did.

Father this is where my DH gets a raw deal....due to my pnd it really isnt safe for him to leave me and DD alone together at the moment. So we are both tied up in the baby wrangling until she goes to sleep for the night around 8. hmmm the more I read this the more I think it is totally unreasonable to expect him to do anything...

Oh dear, this sounds like a really hard situation for both of you

I wonder if he is anxious because of your mental state and is prioritising the baby over anything else, quite understandably.

And yes, what Father says is very true of me. I was so desperate to hand the baby over at the end of the day that I'd be upset if DH was even half an hour late

Oh wow. Okay he has some issues.

She IS going to start crawling soon and so I'd be recommending he gets used to cleaning the floors frequently now. He needs to work on his fears as well because she will start licking the floors, the bottom of people's shoes, dirt, you name it. He's not going to be able to take out her tongue and give it a good wash!

If he's worried about chemicals there are all kinds of cleaning products that are more natural and gentle and would probably reassure him.

I do think you should sort out your night-time issues though. Better sleep will help a lot.

DH gets out and about maybe twice a week to actual activities but goes for a walk with DD most days. I think he should probably do more stuff that involves other people but he has never been one for socialising and probably goes out more now with DD than he did before or during my pregnancy.

I am a sahm to 3 under 4's (were 3 under 3). on a normal day i shower, put a load of washing on, feed wash and dress the 3 of them, tidy up the kitchen, get ds1 to nursery and back (leave house at 8am), do dishes after lunch, maybe another load of washing, tidy up all the rooms constantly, maybe the odd phone call or bit of paper work and plenty of very hot teas/coffees. every now and then i might give a bathroom a wipe, hoover a room, sweep the floor, put the rubbish out.

do i get a medal?

I really don't think you are unreasonable.

I think you have a set of challenges that CAN be addressed to at least improve things. It's not all or nothing, he does nothing or does everything. He could at least do a bit more than he is now. Although I would understand leaving it for a few weeks or months and see how things go when she's sleeping better and maybe you're feeling better too.

7 months old = separation anxiety. I found that time very hard. You're getting a very easy ride here OP. Threads where WOH dads have said similar to SAHMs have led to a chorus of "what a git" and worse.

You're not home all day with a 7mo, he is. It is tiring, and he needs to patent how he sees fit (including washing the toys, if that's what he feels is necessary)

On further reflection, I'd say that you both sound like you are doing your best in difficult times. The last thing you want is to let this drive a wedge. Prioritise sorting out the sleep and into the same bed...

Could you afford a cleaner?

dreaming ack! yes he is definitely going to have a problem with that....hmmm. We will have a good chat about the sleeping arrangements and I think about dirt and babies eating it. Interesting thought about finding some different cleaning products! Will look into that. Had an embarrassing moment today when a friend offered us a babywipe for DD's face post lunch and we had to admit that she had never had her face washed with anything other than water....

I would like DD to try swimming classes etc. but it makes no sense to take her to a swimming pool if you only ever let her skin come into contact straight water....

And I don't see the point in generalising here

Not patent, parent!

I remember DH coming home and asking what I'd got up to that day. The only thing I could think of to say was that I'd mopped the kitchen floor. The kitchen was the size of your average sofa. But that was the only non-baby related thing I could come up with.

It does sound like he's taking the piss a bit. But he's probably also a bit overwhelmed. Having worked with my oldest DCs and then been a SAHM with DC4, it did hit me like a ton of bricks - I was in a daze that first year and really, very little was achieved.

natural you get all the medals I have to give!

hassled I think I would settle for him clearing up after lunch so that I don't have to wash up and clean the highchair etc. both before and after cooking dinner....or at least that he aim to do that much. Obvs some days are just a right off!

Robot I dont really have anything to say to that. I am sure that some people asking SAHP to do more are being unreasonable and some arent. Likewise some SAHP are taking it relatively easy and others are worked off their asses just to survive. From peoples responses it seems that my DH has more time on his hands than some but not enough to do much sensible with.

sexism of any form saddens me and I agree it would prob have gone worse If I had been a bloke.

for everyone, kids are nearly all in bed.

I used to find on mat leave, and again now on my days off, that sometimes I would clean 1-2 times a day (e.g. mopping floor or hoovering) and tidy several times a day and the house would still be a tip at the end of it.

Keeping it clean really requires saying "no" to an exploring crawler/toddler a lot and after a period of time, I felt it was an unnecessary waste of mental energy. I also am of the opinion that I haven't fucked up my pension and reduced my lifespan earning potential to be a skivvy. We made a decision that it would be good for ds and any other kiddos to have a parent about 1-2 days a week during their toddler years. I don't think ds and I should create mess for others to clean up but dh can pick up his own underwear off the bathroom floor and muck in to clear up the final mess of the day....

Its a difficult one really.
I would be HUGELY pissed off if DH came home and questioned what i had been doing all day (he has made vague remarks along these lines once or twice and got short shrift from me!). HOWEVER, I know that I work hard to look after the DCs AND the house, and I have a good work ethic IMO. There are days when I do bugger all, but there's usually a good reason for it, such as a poorly DC.

I do have a DH who is very good with the DCs but (apparently) incapable of multi-tasking. On the odd weekend when he has had the DCs on his own, he has looked after them very well, but the house has been a shocking shit-tip (and I don't have particularly high standards)! As a result I am eternally grateful he is not a SAHD!!!

For the first year of DS's life I regularly forgot breaksfast & lunch since I spent so much time trying to minimise the amount of time he spent crying and fussing.

Slings and baby wearing only worked if we were outside and walking. Even 15 minutes clearing up his lunch-time mess meant listening to him cry while he waited in the high chair (the neighbour even commented on his screaming a few times). DS was terrified of the hoover. Even getting it out of the cupboard was enough to set him off into a screaming frenzy.

So yes, I find it perfectly plausible that little to no housework is accomplished when looking after a difficult baby. Especially when it's your first, since it is much harder to ignore crying. DH never nagged me to get more done during the day when he was out. Just as well really, because I would have gone absolutely fucking mental at him!

So you can never be alone with the baby due to your PND, and he sleeps in the room with the baby as well? This sounds like he only ever gets some 'me' time when baby naps during the day, and otherwise has a rather intensive run of parenting all day long. You can't give him a break, and there doesn't seem to be anyone else around to provide one either. Add broken nights into this, and suddenly his day doesn't sound that relaxing to me at all....

I think rather than berating him for being 'lazy', you need to sit down with him and try to understand this from his point of view. If you're not doing any solo childcare, it makes sense to me that you pick up more of the housework, even though you work as well. Of course DP can be more clever with doing chores so he takes less time, but so can you. If housework doesn't fit well into your life at the moment, just do less of it and focus on the stuff that matters.