to think that the SAHP might be able to do a little house work?

[entropyglitter]

taking a break from hoovering...

So hands up who thinks it is plausible that the SAHP of a high maintenance 7 mo finds it totally impossible to fit in hoovering, washing up or anything except putting the washing machine on?

My youngest is 20 months and I find the housework a doddle as I have a little helper.

When I do the washing he helps sort things into different colour piles. He doesn't just stop at clothes either, mummy's purse has been given a wash along with mobile phone, newspaper and various toys.

He likes to help unload the dishwasher, nothing is too much for him, he is happy to unload sharp knives and wine glasses. He also tests the strength of the dishwasher by jumping up and down on the open door.

He likes to help with the cooking as I'm putting a roast into the hot oven, a little head squeezes through my legs to check the temperature of the oven.

His favourite housework task is hoovering. He rides the noo-noo as I'm hoovering and every 30 seconds he lays on the floor whilst we see if the noo noo will hoover him up.

He doesn't like mess and likes to help with the rubbish. If anything is not screwed down it goes in the bin. Its a good thing I want to lose weight as I have had occasions where my entire breakfast has been tidied into the bin.

Housework with children is easy I don't know what you are complaining about.

I was all set to say that surely anyone can manage a tiny bit of housework occasionally when at home with one baby, until I saw that you can't have the baby on your own and he sleeps in the same room as her and gets up every time she wakes.

This man deserves a medal. Absolutely no baby free time at all unless she is asleep? I would have gone Stark Raving Mad. Can you have her for a little while whilst he is in the shower or is it really not at all? If really not at all, I think he can be cut a little slack. Although he is going to have a very hard time with the germ obsession when she starts to crawl - mine liked to lick the wheels of the pushchair...

Hazie thanks for making me laugh out loud on a trying evening

I think there can be phases when nothing can get done. On the other hand you can still put a 7 month old in a baby bjorn and at least sweep, tidy kitchen, I even used to wash a few basic dishes. Getting a backpack for the baby was a great solution for me. Also bouncy chair and baby mozart was a particular favourite.
That is a difficult age though what with starting to crawl, weaning and the mess that comes with it, but a few basic things should still manage to get done, although overall it might be a case of lowering standards for a while?

i think i have a fair bit of sympathy with your DH
dd2 is wild a challenging child, and a crap sleeper
the only time i can get anything done is when she sleeps
and sometimes she doesn't
and sometimes i need to shower, or she'll been up all night and I need to sleep when she naps, or I'll kill one or both of us
in fact i prefer the days when i work, as I come back and the house is clean, and the children are fed and happy and i've been able to organise my day as i please
I do muck in after dd2's bedtime, but this means the house is only clean from 8pm to 7am, and normal filthy service is resumed from an hour after dd2 gets up.

by the way I think if baby naps that is not necessarily the time to do housework, unless you're having a good day. If nights are bad or life is stressfull (sounds like it might be a bit at the mo) then down-time is very important.

I think this is completely plausible yes. I still find this now, I have a very very high maintenance 2 year old that does not sleep.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable but I think you need to talk to your dp. I suspect that because he never did these things pre baby he just doesn't think about it.

DH and I often squabble because he doesn't think I do enough during the day. My kids are older but like Hazie my DD is extremely unhelpful! Emptying the dishwasher takes twice as long as it should!

I manage to do the washing, dishwasher, wipe up table and highchair after meals, sweep floor after meals, tidy everything off the floor, cook the kids meals

on a good day I also wipe down all kitchen surfaces after cooking, cook for the adults and clean the bathrooms. I don't get many of those!

However, I think he can do a few jobs. Wiping up the high chair as soon as the meal is over is so much easier than leaving it to go hard and stick. Takes 2 seconds

And agree that if you don't have downtime when baby is napping then it is like going a full working day without a break. Only time I get to shower/eat/sit down!

Having read the whole thread (I KNOW ) I have entirely changed my tune, from 'of course they fucking can' to 'wow give the guy a break'.

It sounds overwhelming that he never gets a break from her apart from her naps, and that he is terribly anxious to do the best he can for her.

I could tell you what I do, but I don't know how useful that is to your situation.

Does he see other parents? Go to baby groups? He sounds isolated, and that he doesn't have other people to balance him out from his PFB-ness.

Is your house a shit tip? I'm not being mean but you need to re-evaluate before she is crawling, as she will get to everything, everywhere and put it in her mouth, so cleaning the floor is better than cleaning the toys.

my husband is a sahp (and does night shifts) and babies have only been napped to sleep in an ergo and yes, although he doesn't clean as such (we have a cleaner) he puts washing on, cooks from scratch and puts dishes away and tidies stuff. easy enough to do even with a baby asleep in a sling.

but deep cleaning bathrooms? no. that's too much time and that's left for our cleaner.

i do the same on the days i don't work. clean and tidy and meals cooked, but i leave the hoover where it is.

oh, and i've frequently (i'm crazy about cooking) cooked pretty lavish dinners (as does dh) with the baby in the sling and older daughter sitting drawing/legoing at table.

Morning. Baby goes in high chair with toast and raisins and banana or whatever that she can shove in her own gob.

I empty the dishwasher and put the washing in the tumble, make my breakfast and I clean baby and floor with dustpand and brush and wipe up sticky bits with cloth.

We retire to the lounge. Baby pulls all items out from all drawers while I drink I have put her toys in the drawers and the DVDs on the shelf, so this doesn't matter.

Baby goes to sleep, I take the washing upstairs and sort it, and have my shower, get dressed.

we retire to the lounge. I can MN do online shop while she trashes front room, and we do singing and stuff.

Lunch.

Take her out in buggy to do errandy things.

Nap = cook dinner, hoover downstairs.

Dinner, and DH home in time for bath. I hoover upstairs and sort washing out to put on that night. Wipe round bathroom while she is in bath.

You can squeeze this stuff in. Once you are caught up, you can keep it ok. I have to mop the floors on special occasions though, I rarely get big jobs done.

oh, don't use those crappy bjorns.

i can breastfeed to sleep my 5 month old and cook meals/play with other chikd/walk about using an ergo or a woven wrap (this baby prefers the ergo for some reason although i find the wrap more comfy)

try some out.

i use them so much i've never bought a pram or stroller for either child

i would fnd life 1000 times more difficult if i didn't carry them about

I found it really really hard to do anything round the house when I had DD1. By the time DD2 came along I was more practised and had learnt to breastfeed while walking around, push the lawnmower with one hand with DD2 on the other hip, ignore crying while I did something else (e.g. change DD1's nappy, NOT do the hoovering). These are the skills needed to achieve anything with a baby in tow!

Now that you have talked about the nights and the fact that he never, ever gets a break from her - I think YAB massively U.

He clearly has some anxiety issues around the dirty toys etc, but you have a go at him about them because you think he should do things differently.

If you can't take on much of the parenting atm because of your PND, then I think it is fair enough that you do the bulk of the housework tbh.

My DH works fulltime but he has always helped out fully in the evenings and at weekends, and with night wakings and so on. Even so it is still a hard slog with a baby who is demanding.

I am struggling to see where you are coming from actually, sorry.

I think that if the only time your dh gets a break from dd is when she has a nap then YABU to complain when he doesn't spend that time doing housework. If he were working outside of the home during those same hours he would surely be entitled to take breaks?

I think the issue of whether people can do housework with more than one child is also a bit of a red herring. I can get a heck of a lot more done during the school holidays when all four of mine are at home than I can when I have just one baby here. Even allowing for the extra mess created by the other three being here, on balance the house is tidier. The baby is far happier about me leaving the room because she still has company.

Why is not safe to leave you with the baby because of PND?

I think it has to be about balance though. Half a day taking your DD somewhere nice and a few hours cleaning/cooking/chores etc IF YOU CAN PUT THE BABY DOWN!! Get him to use the sling if you can as it will help him hoover etc. Things do get easier but at 7 months your babe is still very new.

Is he sleeping in the babies room to help settle babe during the night - so you get more sleep and feel stronger PND wise?

The fact he does all night and all day looking after baby is a big thing. He needs to have time to himself too. You both do though. Can you look at it this way - how much baby and work and chore free time do you both get each day?

It's not always easy to do much housework when children are little, unless all you ever do all day long is either childcare or housework. If your house is "up and running" and generally well-organised, doing things like laundry, hoovering and tidying are fairly manageable, but big jobs like sorting cupboards, moving rooms around etc have to wait until they start school IMVHO.

I used to do housework when mine were babies mainly because my husband made me feel rubbish if the house wasn't show home standard when he got home. Luckily my children did nap for long periods once they were about 5/6 months but I was exhausted as I never seemed to be able to just relax as I was always rushing around doing stuff hoping the baby wouldn't wake up too soon! When awake my babies would not be happy to be left and would scream if I put them in a bouncer or playpen unless I was actively entertaining them! Looking after a baby non stop is exhausting and if she only sleeps for 45 mins at a time then your husband probably needs to use that as he break time especially as he is up in the night with the baby too. My husband only seemed to think anything had been achieved if housework was done, he didn't really understand that childcare was the main point of me being at home! I wish I had felt more relaxed and appreciated by my husband at the time as I got PND and became obsessive about the housework!

I agree he shouldn't have to use all the nap time for cleaning, but nagoo has pointed out very well how it's possible to do a bit of cleaning while taking care of baby. The idea that he can't do anything is a bit much, I think.

I think I would probably let it go for now though. It's a lot to deal with. Wait until there's more sleep and you're feeling better re the PND.

dont sahm often do the nights and still do the housework? i know i always have done with my 5, it IS harder with your first definintely, but get him to try the wrap i dont think it would be impossible for him to clean up after lunch, sweep the floor and wipe down the highchair, what does that take 5mins?

there are always going to be days that are a right off but generally if you do little and often as you go along you can keep on top of stuff like the washing up, putting laundry away, wiping down worktops etc. a lot of that can be done with a baby in one arm or in a sling.

i do remember days iwth ds1 when it was a bloody achievement if i had a shower and washed the breakfast dishes tho!

hope you are getting some help with your pnd.

what are your plans for the sleeping arrangements, to you can all get the most sleep? if you could sort that then it is likely that the days will get easier :)

I think you are being very unfair. My house is almost in showhouse condition but only because dp does his share of the baby and housework. The worst thing is being kept awake at night and it must be a nightmare for anyone who has to do that alone. Like your unfortunate husband.

I can't imagine how this poor man has lasted 7 months spending 24/7 with a child since you can't be alone with her, he is probably barely functioning. How dare you not appreciate his effort, especially compared to the nothing to admit to doing.

Since you are contributing NOTHING to the childcare, then you do the housework and stop expecting him to do everything. His job is 24/7, yours is not.
You are also sleeping at night, he is not, so you should have breakfast ready for him every morning and get into some cleaning habits.

Stop picking at him and make yourself useful.