Obese inlaws - health issues. Frustrated and sad. And a bit angry. Probably unreasonably so.

[shagmundfreud]

Long and a bit ranty. Sorry. Need to get it off my chest.

The family I married into has had problems with obesity since I've known them (17 years) but it's only in the past 10 that the chickens have started to come home to roost. As thread title says, I'm feeling sad and angry about the situation, but also worried at how it may affect my immediate family, because dd (12) is now beginning to develop a weight problem as well. Sorry for the length of this - I've been chewing this issue over during Christmas and really want to unload.

MIL - morbidly obese pretty much her whole adult life. She now has type 2 diabetes and heart problems. And arthritis. And has never fully recovered from a botched hernia operation a few years ago which was complicated by her obesity.

FIL also morbidly obese. He had a stroke a few years back while MIL was recovering from her botched surgery and was still in hospital. At 79 he weighs about 18 stone and is only barely mobile. He's incontinent and starting to become senile.

SIL morbidly obese and hypertensive. She's 50 and has just been told she will be diabetic in 2 years time. Her pancreas isn't working well at the moment but she's not yet developed diabetes proper.

BIL is obese and a smoker. He's had to retire after having a heart attack at 48.

Their youngest dc is 12 and is obese.

All in laws are lovely, lovely people, and morbidly obese SIL in particular is a beautiful person inside and out. I really love her very much.

But I've started to feel angry and intensely frustrated at how intelligent people - because not one of them is stupid - can be so fatalistic about their health and not see what's staring them in the face: that they eat way, way, way too much, and it's ruining their lives.

Family parties involve obscene amount of food, whatever the time of year. A casual family barbecue will involve every conceivable type of meat: ribs, burgers, chicken, steak, sausages. It's expected that all the adults present will eat a couple of burgers, a couple of hot dogs, some chicken, a massive portion of lasagna, some steak, salads, garlic bread. And the children too. And at least three types of pudding. Oh, and lashings and lashings of full-fat coke, which is poured for the children into massive plastic cups. Last time DH invited the family over I asked him whether it made sense to cater for them in this way - we're either encouraging ridiculous waste (which we don't approve of and can't afford) or ridiculous overeating.

Obese SIL talks about being a bit 'naughty' and helps herself to two or three heaped tablespoons of double cream on her (massive portion of) pudding. Then has another portion afterwards, with a little tinkle of conspiratorial laughter. And we all play along. When she came back from her recent set of blood tests she told me that the nurse had said the fact that she was going to develop diabetes had nothing to do with her weight. That she'd develop it even if she was (SIL's words) 'a twiglet', because there's a family propensity towards diabetes (other SIL has had type 1 diabetes since childhood). I appreciate that there is SOME truth that she is more likely to get diabetes but surely, surely, the fact that's she's morbidly obese is an aggravating factor?

A couple of weeks ago I cracked and said to SIL that she needed to do something to protect her health, and told her I was worried about her. We discussed using internet tools like my fitness pal to log her food intake. I deliberately mentioned it because I know that the problem isn't generally that my SIL eats junk food. Actually she's an amazing cook and creates beautiful, usually healthy food. Just way, way, way too much of it. And she eats too much. I know this because I've had so many meals with her over the years. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask her to take food off my children's plates when we've eaten at her house and she's been serving. Her response to me suggesting measuring and logging her food intake was 'oh I really couldn't be bothered with doing that - I'm just too busy'. And then in the next breath talk in a fairly non-committal way about having to do something about her weight.

It makes me want to scream.

They've done all the plans, joined all the clubs, and failed to lose weight. Or lost it and put it straight back on. Her and MIL join together, and then conspire to cheat together. They undermine each other's attempts to lose weight, and BIL is constantly sabotaging SIL's efforts too. They comfort themselves by convincing themselves that actually they eat quite healthily, and that SIL is fitter than a lot of slimmer women because she walks to work every day (about a couple of miles over the course of the day - but she doesn't do speed). And that they could be hit by a bus anyway, and that their health problems are genetic, and .... you name it. Excuses, justification, trivialising the issue day in and day out.

Also watching MIL serving absolutely MASSIVE portions to my completely sedentary 18 stone FIL. And when I say massive - I mean a big plate with food piled up to the height of about 4 inches and falling off the edge of the plate. Huge curries, corned beef hash, stews..... The sort of plate of food any normal person would serve up to a 21 year old man at the end of a day of working down a mine or building a house. I mean - this is a woman who was a nurse. And she's his carer for goodness sake. I don't think she takes any responsibility for his health problems, which are immense and are both caused and complicated by obesity, as are hers.

Anyway, so now dd is showing signs of over-eating. She's JUST within the normal BMI for her age, but is at the top end of it and edging towards being overweight. She has muffin tops, big thighs and is starting to carry a lot more weight than is healthy around her middle. She doesn't have a big frame. I can't bear the thought of a fat future for her, with all the possible health problems that can go with it, especially in a family with a tendency towards diabetes and hypertension. I try so hard to be sensible about portion sizes and serve healthy food, but she just eats and eats and eats. When she's bored. When she's tired. Because she wants to. I'm starting to suspect she see's overweight as being normal and nothing to worry about, despite the horrible fall-out she sees around her.

Should add - I'm a bit overweight myself and am trying hard to address this issue, with some success. This has happened in the last few years as I'd always been a skinny before developing thyroid problems at 43 (I'm 45 now). But I take my health and DH's health seriously and will do everything I can to stay as well as possible for as long as possible, for the sake of my children and the rest of my family, as well as for myself.

Anyway, if you've got this far, well done. . Am I being unreasonable to have such strong feelings about this issue. Or should I keep my big nose out of my inlaws eating habits?

I'm not entirely sure what you can do about this, to be honest. You've spoken to your SIL and made some suggestions, but you can't make anyone change their lifestyle unless they really want to and it sounds very much as though they don't. I can entirely understand you being upset by it and it must be pretty miserable to watch this happening to your family knowing it's preventable, but you can't change them.

Your DD, however, is more within your control. What is she eating and eating and eating? What do you have accessible in the house that is enabling this? Does she do any activities to stay active? It sounds as though you are catching it early enough to not have to do anything drastic - just make small changes and up the family activity levels a bit (go for walks...etc as a family) and she should be fine. The fact that you are conscious of it and willing to tackle it means that you are likely to prevent her going the way of your inlaws.

I'm sorry - it's not very helpful, but I don't blame you for having strong feelings, just don't know what you can do.

Sadly you can't do anything about your in laws short of a massive row.

You're daughter needs strong guidance. Join an exercise class together, have a competition each day to see who can be first to finish their litre of water, teach her to cook and therefore to budget and work out how much is in a portion - stuff like rice will tell you how much to cook, make her measure it out.

Set her an example so that her normality is healthy. I'd want to know why she eats when she's bored, and make sure she's dancing/cycling/horse riding instead.

If you're trying hard to address your own weight issues, you mus realise that it's not always easy. I think especially so when you;re so big you don't know where to start. The problem for a lot of people is that they get into the mindset that losing weight means eating salad all day long and depriving themselves, and when they don;t see immediate results they give up. It's worse again if everyone around them is obese I guess, as it's normalised and the support isn't there. I noticed time and again when I was losing my baby weight after ds that people felt very threatened by my taking control and were constantly encouraging me to be a bit naughty and have cake, to make themselves feel better about having a piece.
I can;t see that you can do anything about your inlaws. But you can do something about your daughter. Can you take up some exercise together or encourage her to help with shopping or meal planning? It only takes a few pounds to stray into the overweight BMI and once you're there it can be so hard to lose it. Your inlaws are probably in denial about their weight. I know that I was after I had my son (put on a massive 5 stone in pregnancy and had a BMI of about 32 I think). It can seem an overwhelming thing to deal with and I see it in friends all the time, the 'oh I really must do something about my weight'. Unless they have their (corny as it sounds) lightbulb moment, they won't be successful at losing weight, because while the desire to stuff themselves is greater than the desire to lose weight, they've got no chance.

Blimey! It sounds as though the unhealthy eating attitude is rubbing off on your DD, I know it sounds harsh but I think I would limit the amount of time she spends with them as it normalises the over eating, and change your eating and lifestyle at home to a very healthy one for everyone. Hopefully your DDs weight will even out.

It is very difficult. I am in the same sort of position with my mum. She has always been very obese but had a serious health scare last year (liver not functioning) which led her to start losing weight. I've been so proud of her for controlling portion sizes and exercising - she has lost 3 dress sizes (now a 30) and about 5 stone.

Mum stayed with us over Christmas and decided to 'give herself a few treats'. This basically meant all the DCs christmas chocolate, a loaf of bread a day covered in butter and jam and 3 large meals. Nothing unhealthy in itself but so much of it. She was complaining today because she has put nearly a stone on and I wanted to yell at her just not to eat so much.

At the same time, you can't say anything to your ILs. Just try and model healthy eating and exercise habits for your children and deal with your DD's weight while you still can.

I think you should concentrate on your family

So you & dd go swimming, ice skating, walking in the woods, trampolining, whatever you can that's active

You don't mention dd' s dad? Is he obese too?

Oh I do feel for you and understand your concerns. But I'm also wondering what on earth you can do - if you 'bang on about it' (I know you're not but that's how it will be perceived) it will probably end in rows or ill feeling or both.
All you can do is concentrate on yourself and your own family and stop this cycle of obesity.

"What is she eating and eating and eating? What do you have accessible in the house that is enabling this?"

Oh gosh - I don't keep snacks in the house, but she'll work her way through half a pound of cheese. Or make herself a three egg omlette while I'm out at the shops. Or buy fried chicken, Greggs sausage rolls (yuck) and cans of fizzy drink on her way back from school. I can't lock food up. Not the ordinary family food and I'm very unwilling to become so controlling about what she eats outside the house that I take ALL her pocket money away so she can't spend it on things I don't want to eat.

"Does she do any activities to stay active?"

She does a dance class once a week. Refuses to come on family walks. Constantly leaves her pe kit in someone else's locker, or tells her teacher she's got a painful verruca or period pain or a headache or whatever, so she gets off PE at school.

She is astonishly lazy and inactive, despite our best efforts to encourage her to take up organised activities.....

"I don't want her to eat.

I agree with Fuckity (hows the baby weight doing this time, btw? Is everything going well?) that it's really difficult to stick at a healthy eating regime unless you are completely ready. I also put on a lot of weight with DS and I tried a few times half-heartedly to lose it because I thought I should. It was only when I was turned down for a hernia operation because I was obese that I got the proper motivation to tackle it - and then I lost 3 stone in 6 months (2 hours in the gym every day!) I then kept it off and started cycling 12 miles a day and being more active in general. I don't know how much I will have gained this time round (35 weeks), but I'm already planning to eat healthily and exercise after this one is born. I know how important it is now - and how much better it makes me feel.

If they are not completely committed, then there's not a lot you can do.

Sorry didn't properly read the bit about your dd. Hmm, I think I would be quite honest with her about the family's obesity/food issues and guide her as much as poss with healthy eating while reinforcing how beautiful and valuable she is whatever size etc...very hard. But you are right to try and help her now.

DH is a bit overweight, but is addressing the issue. He's only put it on in the past three years. He's started running and is careful of his food intake now. He's very sensible about portion sizes.

They are programmed to eat too much, it is sad. I was too and I battled and battled the hunger. Then I had stomach reduction surgery (VSG) and lost it all and now do not want to overeat. (Paid for it myself before anyone starts). It's easy now, I think many people who take the moral high ground don't understand the desire for satiety that drives these people. If you do lose the excess weight you recover very fast, it can reverse type 2 diabetes, and mostly does. So even if your dd is unresponsive to your best efforts there is a final solution if you have to go nuclear.

You are not being unreasonable to be worried, but you need to try to ensure she doesn't pick up on your discomfort with her body.

In clinical trials with follow-up studies, exercise programmes rather than diets have the best chance of success.

Focusing on her body size will have a chance of 'issues' later, this might be why she ia avoiding PE already.

Instead try to focus on having fun whilst being active and healthy

Everything's going great thanks :) Am 28 weeks and only put on 13 pounds so far, so a vast improvement on last time. Again, I think the lessons I learned when I was losing the weight last time have set me in good stead. I'm only young(ish) but I know I learned nothing about nutrition at school, I was pretty clueless abotu how to eat well so it's not surprising I put on so much weight when pregnancy and depression collided. Was not a great time. This time, I know better and frankly can't be arsed to lose such a vast amount again afterwards. Because it does take a remarkable amount of effort and dedication, which is where so many people fail. It's not easy. fwiw, at 12 I was probably inching towards being overweight too. But I was unhappy and used food to help with that, so I do think it's very important to look at the whole pciture here, at 12 is the perfect time to really let your dd know the lines of communication are open to her if she needs you. Comfort eating is a terrible habit to get into and can it take a lot to break out of that habit if you don;t develop any other coping mechanisms.

If your DD eats to "fill time" why not get her doing something? Besides, having a physical activity burns the extra calories.

You could join her too. :-)0

Well it sounds as though you and DH are being good role models and taking control of your own health and that should rub off on your DD. I'd be more worried about why your DD seems to be comfort eating (because that's what it sounds like). I went through a phase of that when I was about 13 - 15. I was being bullied and was horribly unhappy. Only when that stopped did I read up on healthy eating and get a grip of myself. It is a difficult line to tread because you don't want to give your DD a complex. Apart from dancing, is there anything you think she might be interested in doing?

Just concentrate on your DD's weight and leave the rest to it, your SIL's weight is absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Must be hard to watch people you love not looking after themselves. Yes concentrate on your daughter though. Start running or do zumba together - anthing to get moving. Tell her your health worries about you SIL and MIL.

Can you clear your own cupboards out and have a month of healthy eating for everyone in your house. Don't make it about her though - make it a family effort to be healthy.

Also can you meet with IL's at non-food times for a month or so.

Hard to watch..but it's their issue and their business

have a sugar, alchohol and cheese free month

OK, I hated PE too and also had lots of excuses, because no matter what I liked, playing tag rugby, doing bleep tests or kwik bloody cricket was not fun.
Have you both tried Zumba, I'm overweight and was desperately unfit this time last year, I started Zumba (it killed me to start with, couldn't manage an hour), however although I am still overweight, I have noticed a huge improvement in my fitness levels and do you know what, it's great fun and I love the dancing around and most importantly for me who has never stuck at any exercise I'm still going twice a week.
OK so things like a three egg omlette isn't that bad, but a fried chicked etc is, the best you can do is sort healthy meals for the family and educate her on what she's eating.

I hated PE too, I was just discussing this with dp yesterday. We were expected to do hideous things like the cross country and the bleep test with no actual build up in fitness first, so no wonder I hated it. Maybe focus on getting fit together in that case. PE and the witches that shouted from the sidelines taught us put me off to this day. I don't have a Wii but something like that might take her interest?

Focus on your dd and what you can do to encourage fitness and healthy eating.
I really don't think you can do much about the inlaws.

There is enough information out there in the public domain these days about healthy lifestyles, so frankly, if they choose to still massively overeat, eat unhealthy foods, smoke etc, this is clearly with the full knowledge of the risks. If they ignore all the advice out there, then sadly they aren't going to listen to you. Also, they may regard your efforts as intererence, and this may backfire and make them more set in their ways and determined not to change their behaviour. Remember children are influenced most by their own parents so I wouldn't worry unduly. Your dd may have a genetic predisposition to being weighty but there is a lot you can do to counteract that

I agree with the other posters. It must be very frustrating seeing SIL and the other ILs not looking after their health, but as they are adults, it's their choice. Focus on improving things for your DD. Is she bribeable (more pocket money for regular brisk walks) would she do one of the console games like Just Dance, as long as shes getting hot and sweaty it doesnt really matter what exercise she does iyswim.