Obese inlaws - health issues. Frustrated and sad. And a bit angry. Probably unreasonably so.

[shagmundfreud]

Long and a bit ranty. Sorry. Need to get it off my chest.

The family I married into has had problems with obesity since I've known them (17 years) but it's only in the past 10 that the chickens have started to come home to roost. As thread title says, I'm feeling sad and angry about the situation, but also worried at how it may affect my immediate family, because dd (12) is now beginning to develop a weight problem as well. Sorry for the length of this - I've been chewing this issue over during Christmas and really want to unload.

MIL - morbidly obese pretty much her whole adult life. She now has type 2 diabetes and heart problems. And arthritis. And has never fully recovered from a botched hernia operation a few years ago which was complicated by her obesity.

FIL also morbidly obese. He had a stroke a few years back while MIL was recovering from her botched surgery and was still in hospital. At 79 he weighs about 18 stone and is only barely mobile. He's incontinent and starting to become senile.

SIL morbidly obese and hypertensive. She's 50 and has just been told she will be diabetic in 2 years time. Her pancreas isn't working well at the moment but she's not yet developed diabetes proper.

BIL is obese and a smoker. He's had to retire after having a heart attack at 48.

Their youngest dc is 12 and is obese.

All in laws are lovely, lovely people, and morbidly obese SIL in particular is a beautiful person inside and out. I really love her very much.

But I've started to feel angry and intensely frustrated at how intelligent people - because not one of them is stupid - can be so fatalistic about their health and not see what's staring them in the face: that they eat way, way, way too much, and it's ruining their lives.

Family parties involve obscene amount of food, whatever the time of year. A casual family barbecue will involve every conceivable type of meat: ribs, burgers, chicken, steak, sausages. It's expected that all the adults present will eat a couple of burgers, a couple of hot dogs, some chicken, a massive portion of lasagna, some steak, salads, garlic bread. And the children too. And at least three types of pudding. Oh, and lashings and lashings of full-fat coke, which is poured for the children into massive plastic cups. Last time DH invited the family over I asked him whether it made sense to cater for them in this way - we're either encouraging ridiculous waste (which we don't approve of and can't afford) or ridiculous overeating.

Obese SIL talks about being a bit 'naughty' and helps herself to two or three heaped tablespoons of double cream on her (massive portion of) pudding. Then has another portion afterwards, with a little tinkle of conspiratorial laughter. And we all play along. When she came back from her recent set of blood tests she told me that the nurse had said the fact that she was going to develop diabetes had nothing to do with her weight. That she'd develop it even if she was (SIL's words) 'a twiglet', because there's a family propensity towards diabetes (other SIL has had type 1 diabetes since childhood). I appreciate that there is SOME truth that she is more likely to get diabetes but surely, surely, the fact that's she's morbidly obese is an aggravating factor?

A couple of weeks ago I cracked and said to SIL that she needed to do something to protect her health, and told her I was worried about her. We discussed using internet tools like my fitness pal to log her food intake. I deliberately mentioned it because I know that the problem isn't generally that my SIL eats junk food. Actually she's an amazing cook and creates beautiful, usually healthy food. Just way, way, way too much of it. And she eats too much. I know this because I've had so many meals with her over the years. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask her to take food off my children's plates when we've eaten at her house and she's been serving. Her response to me suggesting measuring and logging her food intake was 'oh I really couldn't be bothered with doing that - I'm just too busy'. And then in the next breath talk in a fairly non-committal way about having to do something about her weight.

It makes me want to scream.

They've done all the plans, joined all the clubs, and failed to lose weight. Or lost it and put it straight back on. Her and MIL join together, and then conspire to cheat together. They undermine each other's attempts to lose weight, and BIL is constantly sabotaging SIL's efforts too. They comfort themselves by convincing themselves that actually they eat quite healthily, and that SIL is fitter than a lot of slimmer women because she walks to work every day (about a couple of miles over the course of the day - but she doesn't do speed). And that they could be hit by a bus anyway, and that their health problems are genetic, and .... you name it. Excuses, justification, trivialising the issue day in and day out.

Also watching MIL serving absolutely MASSIVE portions to my completely sedentary 18 stone FIL. And when I say massive - I mean a big plate with food piled up to the height of about 4 inches and falling off the edge of the plate. Huge curries, corned beef hash, stews..... The sort of plate of food any normal person would serve up to a 21 year old man at the end of a day of working down a mine or building a house. I mean - this is a woman who was a nurse. And she's his carer for goodness sake. I don't think she takes any responsibility for his health problems, which are immense and are both caused and complicated by obesity, as are hers.

Anyway, so now dd is showing signs of over-eating. She's JUST within the normal BMI for her age, but is at the top end of it and edging towards being overweight. She has muffin tops, big thighs and is starting to carry a lot more weight than is healthy around her middle. She doesn't have a big frame. I can't bear the thought of a fat future for her, with all the possible health problems that can go with it, especially in a family with a tendency towards diabetes and hypertension. I try so hard to be sensible about portion sizes and serve healthy food, but she just eats and eats and eats. When she's bored. When she's tired. Because she wants to. I'm starting to suspect she see's overweight as being normal and nothing to worry about, despite the horrible fall-out she sees around her.

Should add - I'm a bit overweight myself and am trying hard to address this issue, with some success. This has happened in the last few years as I'd always been a skinny before developing thyroid problems at 43 (I'm 45 now). But I take my health and DH's health seriously and will do everything I can to stay as well as possible for as long as possible, for the sake of my children and the rest of my family, as well as for myself.

Anyway, if you've got this far, well done. . Am I being unreasonable to have such strong feelings about this issue. Or should I keep my big nose out of my inlaws eating habits?

you mentioned that you were recently diagnosed as hypothyroid. And then that your daughter is 'astonishingly lazy' - might it be worthwhile getting her checked out? I was recently diagnosed hypothyroid, but seems I was borderline for years before - often found it very hard to get motivated to do stuff.

Just a thought. think other posters are right - you can't do anything about ILs, sad though it is. just concentrate on your family's health. well done your husband for taking himself in hand. very impressive! and well doen you too!

Fluffycloudland your post made me smile wryly.

My Dad died of his type 2 diabetes. He used to say things like:

"The diabetic nurse says I can have four glasses of wine a day"

Me: "Um no Dad, there's a lot of sugar in it. I'd say she meant that would be your absolute limit on a once-in-a-while special occasion."

Dad: "Well she said I could have four glasses of wine a day."

Me: "On A day perhaps but not every day."

Dad: "No, she said, EVERY day."

Me: "Dad, I don't think she could have said that. That would put you over the recommended weekly limit even for non-diabetics."

Dad: "She did! I know what she said."

Me: "Well if she did say that she was wrong."

Dad: "Well that's what I mean love. These people don't know what they are talking about."

• then used this "evidence" of medical ignorance to take practically no notice of any dietary advice he was given by a medical professional until the day he died. Oh sorry, that's not fair. He gave up sugar in his tea. Because that's what sugar is - that white stuff in a packet. (He was an extremely modest drinker btw, and I doubt he ever had four glasses of wine a day in his entire life.)

DH & I need to loose a bit of weight (well a lot in my case). We noticed that DS1 is only just within the healthy weight range for his height, DS2 is younger and bouncier so is comfortably a normal weight.

We have decided to tackle DS1's weight by tackling our own issues. One thing we have done is to reduce the amount of screen time we all have (TV and PC). Also looking at what is in the fridge etc. We spend more time doing things with the kids (my oldest is only 8) so family activities become the norm and so things like family walks become more habitual.

Couple of thoughts
You might like interesting cheese but don't have loads of it in the fridge if DD can't resist. Cut it in smaller portions and freeze; only take out what you need for the next day and leave it in the fridge to defrost overnight.

Could you turn exercise into a mum and daughter event for you and her e.g. a swim and a jacuzzi / sauna?

You mentioned a friend did tae kwondo would your DD like a sport like that or street dance (she might not view martial arts/dance as exercise even though they are actually hard work)?

I would also keep an eye on what happens when her periods start etc. I struggled with my weight and periods throughout my teenager years and was diagnosed with PCOS as an adult. Unfortunately, many of the symptoms of PCOS are virtually identical to the symptoms of being a teenager so its a bit difficult to tell them apart initially .

The key thing is that you are thinking about what you can do now rather than pretending there isn't an issue like your IL.

I think you are feeling a bit negative about your dd in general, just based on the all the "don'ts" you are constantly telling her.

Not saying she is not a pre-teen pita, she may well be but my feeling is that you should lay off a bit and just concentrate on having a better relationship with her, which may in fact help her feel a bit more secure and less likely to overeat.

You mentioned that one of her friends does TaeKwonDo?
Martial Arts are fantastic for growing kids -helps with body confidence, strength and fitness in a very empowering way, and is focused on skills and health rather than image.

Wing Chung is brilliant for girls especially.

This is of course a very serious issue....which is why I shouldn't have smiled whilst reading the saga.

You say you struggle with your weight....it's good that you are concerned and taking steps to solve your own problem.

As for your daughter. You say she eats and eats and eats? Where is the food coming from. Control those portions and don't have naughty foods in the house....restrict them.

Educate your daughter...and get her exercising!

As for your husbands family. I can see what a challenge it must be to try and change what seem to be habits of a lifetime. They are not your responsibility....but you can try and lead by example.....and don't let them force feed you or your children.
Perhaps take some healthy options along to these gatherings...ie fruit salads and vegetable dishes.

Good luck!

Does your daughter like swimming? Great exercise which you could do together....

"I think you are feeling a bit negative about your dd in general, just based on the all the "don'ts" you are constantly telling her.

Not saying she is not a pre-teen pita, she may well be but my feeling is that you should lay off a bit and just concentrate on having a better relationship with her, which may in fact help her feel a bit more secure and less likely to overeat"

Yes - I think there is some a lot of truth in what you're saying.

I think she's a bloomin marvel in so many ways. She's very clever, can talk to ANYONE, is brilliant with old people and small people, and never stops chatting, laughing, singing, shouting asking for stuff.

But DH and I are tearing our hair out about the fact that she's almost a 'comedy teenager' at 12 with her slutty adolescent habits. (have I mentioned the fact that she'll go to sleep with a dirty plate and an empty packet of crisps IN her bed rather than take them down stairs?)

"You say she eats and eats and eats? Where is the food coming from?"

Typical scenario: I'll have made sausage casserole for dinner. Will dish her up a portion with two sausages and one dumpling on the plate, plus lots of cabbage and veg. She'll eat it. While I'm out the room she'll help herself to an extra portion, even if that means eating her dad's dinner, which I've put aside for when he comes home. I'll tell her off and she'll say sorry, that she didn't realise (she did). Later she'll quietly make herself an omelette while I'm putting the boys to bed. Then come down before she goes to sleep and pour herself half a pint of fruit juice. Aaargh! Have now decided to stop buying fruit juice, and to freeze all left over food straight away after dishing up dinner.

I've also told her that she has to make her own lunches for next term as I'm going to stop giving her money to buy food at school. Basically because she buys a bloody chicken burger with the money every day and spends what she's got left on energy drinks. I've also told her she HAS to eat breakfast, even if it's small. (all this year she's stormed out the house with no breakfast every morning - often because she doesn't have time as she won't get up when we call her - because she is knackered from staying up late, despite our repeated attempts to get her into bed at 9.30 every night.....)

OMG I'm complaining about her again.

She's driving me blardy mad. [tearing out hair emoticon]

"Does your daughter like swimming? Great exercise which you could do together...."

Yes, she's gone swimming now!

Unfortunately she'll go back to my mum's afterwards and eat her own body weight in biscuits (my mum is the biscuit queen......).

Actually my SIL has been saying that her fat 12 year old ds has told her he's going to get fit by going swimming and doing badminton. I'm going to encourage dd to do this with him. There's only 4 weeks between them in age and he's a nice kid. They get on very well and they might enjoy doing this stuff together.

"And then that your daughter is 'astonishingly lazy' - might it be worthwhile getting her checked out?"

No - she's only lazy when it's about PE, homework or housework. If she has a 'sleep over' she's always the last one standing. I've seen her reduce her friends to exhausted, weeping heaps. She'll be the one jumping up and down doing karaoke at 3am..... God knows when she starts to go clubbing in a few years time. She's a manic party animal......

If she is a mad party animal have you thought about dance / theatre / circus skills or similar classes. They may not be officially sport but she would probably do a fair bit of physical work in them.

This may sound like an odd suggestion, but I'll put it out there anyway. You said she cooks herself an omelette. Therefore, she is capable of cooking. Could you make one of her chores be to cook supper one day a week? She would have to think about what one needs to make a meal satisfying and healthy for several different people. This might make her think more about what she eats.

It might also give you a break so you can MN relax.

Do you find it hard to discipline her OP?

Taking other people's food, cooking herself snacks when you're out of the room, eating crisps in bed, not being able to get her to bed at 9.30pm, buying chicken burgers and energy drinks when you've told her not to etc....

You say you can't take her money away, but how about you stop her pocket money until she starts doing as she's told?

After all, I'm sure you'd take it away if she was spending it on cigarettes and alcohol, so what's the difference? She's just damaging her health in a different way.

"Could you make one of her chores be to cook supper one day a week?"

Yes - she likes to cook. Good idea!

"Do you find it hard to discipline her OP?"

Do bears shit in the wood?

I mean - I don't find it hard to set out rules and expectations. I find it hard that she's so UNIVERSALLY uncooperative, at the same time as being very pleasant, AS LONG AS SHE'S GETTING HER OWN WAY AND NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.

"You say you can't take her money away, but how about you stop her pocket money until she starts doing as she's told?"

Punishments we've put in place: grounded her for 8 weeks, taken away her lap top, blocked facebook, confiscated her phone, sent her to bed at 8.30 for two weeks. None of these things has resulted in more than the most fleeting and grudging change in behaviour. And the minute the sanction is lifted she's straight back to normal slobbery/stuffing/rudeness.

At least she's loving though. And not miserable, like lots of young girls these days.

"And I assume sausage casserole and dumplings is a treat meal?"

I drain as much fat off the sausages as possible before adding them to the casserole. Dumplings are small. Plate is half covered with steamed cabbage and carrots, so not a very unhealthy meal.

I'm baffled then because reading all your posts put together, it seems as though you're doing everything right.

Let's hope she comes to her own realisation then eventually.

I havnt read the whole thread but it is sad and fustrating My lovely mother died as a direct cause of her obesity although her death certificate says something else , she had type 2 diabetis DVTs because she wasnt mobile enough , and lots of other bits ane pieces due to her weight , my dh iisnt obese but he has to watch his weight last time i saw BIl he was huge we havnt seen him in a few years , I really dont think there is anything ypu can do OP . your Ils are living how they want to live and while its a concern for you , all you can do is nag them but it will fall on deaf ears IMO , and look after your DDs health get her active etc ,

My MIL* typo sorry

Sad for you mrsjay. I lost my dad the year before last, but he was 80, and had been fit and well until the last few months before he died.

I know DH will be devastated when his parents go, especially his mum. He adores her. We all do.

My Mil was just 60 when she died no age these days she was a bit of a tyrant she brought up her sons alone her sons adored her it was very sad and unavoidable i think dh still gets angry about it all ,

Don't anyone diss sausage casserole! With nice quality sossies it's fine!
We have this at least once a week, and are the picture of health!

Can you have a 'stash' of cheese. ie only put a small amount in the fridge at any one time. I was always told never to open or finish anything in the fridge/cupboard. So if she thought she was going to scarf the last bit of cheese - she might stop short?
The thing that put me off eating crisps was the advert of the little boy gluging a bottle of oil with the caption of 1 pkt of crisps a day is a litre of veg oil over a year.
I think you have to sit her down and have a frank talk to her. Try and come up with a plan. Find some kind of exercise that she tickles her fancy. Nowadays it could be anything - not like in the old days. How about fencing or street dance. Are you near a large city - have a look online and see the huge variety of stuff on offer. But agree - she would probably stick pins in her eyes than do it with her mum!
Could you take her away to a spa for 2 or 3 days as a kick start - no temptation and might give her the oomph if she sees a couple of pounds off.
She should be intelligent enough to understand the nutrition of food and how it works in your body. Explain to her that its easier to do something about her weight now - if only a little over weight - than wait till she has 3 stone to loose!
Try and get her to do the 80/20 rule (once she's dropped a couple of lbs) - 80% when she's with you - being healthy and then she can treat herself 20% of time when with friends. Maybe do an experiment with her - wait till she's really hungry - then give her a packet of crisps - see if she' stil hungry. Do the same again the next day - but give her a big bowl of soup and crusty bread. See if she's fuller then.
Ask her to 'think' about the stuff that goes into her mouth - what nutritional value is she going to get from each item. Sometimes you know its crap - but you just need to have it - but most of the time - she should say - hey I'm getting nothing but saturated fat from this pkt of crisps.
Also - keep a rough list of what she is eating in a day and then explain to her that she would need to do x amount of running to keep her weight steady eating what she does. iykwim. Its sometimes alarming how many calories are in seemingly little treats.
Has her diet got anything to do with her skin do you think? Would it incentivise her if she thought it would clear up her skin?

Also - this time of year - there will be a lot of new people joining clubs/classes so she won't be the only 'beginner'

I've also told her that she has to make her own lunches for next term as I'm going to stop giving her money to buy food at school. Basically because she buys a bloody chicken burger with the money every day and spends what she's got left on energy drinks

So she goes out of school at lunch time? Do they allow that then? She seems a bit young to be wandering about the streets or at least I remember my school not allowing it at that age.

Perhaps think of an alternative to the late night omelettes.