Obese inlaws - health issues. Frustrated and sad. And a bit angry. Probably unreasonably so.

[shagmundfreud]

Long and a bit ranty. Sorry. Need to get it off my chest.

The family I married into has had problems with obesity since I've known them (17 years) but it's only in the past 10 that the chickens have started to come home to roost. As thread title says, I'm feeling sad and angry about the situation, but also worried at how it may affect my immediate family, because dd (12) is now beginning to develop a weight problem as well. Sorry for the length of this - I've been chewing this issue over during Christmas and really want to unload.

MIL - morbidly obese pretty much her whole adult life. She now has type 2 diabetes and heart problems. And arthritis. And has never fully recovered from a botched hernia operation a few years ago which was complicated by her obesity.

FIL also morbidly obese. He had a stroke a few years back while MIL was recovering from her botched surgery and was still in hospital. At 79 he weighs about 18 stone and is only barely mobile. He's incontinent and starting to become senile.

SIL morbidly obese and hypertensive. She's 50 and has just been told she will be diabetic in 2 years time. Her pancreas isn't working well at the moment but she's not yet developed diabetes proper.

BIL is obese and a smoker. He's had to retire after having a heart attack at 48.

Their youngest dc is 12 and is obese.

All in laws are lovely, lovely people, and morbidly obese SIL in particular is a beautiful person inside and out. I really love her very much.

But I've started to feel angry and intensely frustrated at how intelligent people - because not one of them is stupid - can be so fatalistic about their health and not see what's staring them in the face: that they eat way, way, way too much, and it's ruining their lives.

Family parties involve obscene amount of food, whatever the time of year. A casual family barbecue will involve every conceivable type of meat: ribs, burgers, chicken, steak, sausages. It's expected that all the adults present will eat a couple of burgers, a couple of hot dogs, some chicken, a massive portion of lasagna, some steak, salads, garlic bread. And the children too. And at least three types of pudding. Oh, and lashings and lashings of full-fat coke, which is poured for the children into massive plastic cups. Last time DH invited the family over I asked him whether it made sense to cater for them in this way - we're either encouraging ridiculous waste (which we don't approve of and can't afford) or ridiculous overeating.

Obese SIL talks about being a bit 'naughty' and helps herself to two or three heaped tablespoons of double cream on her (massive portion of) pudding. Then has another portion afterwards, with a little tinkle of conspiratorial laughter. And we all play along. When she came back from her recent set of blood tests she told me that the nurse had said the fact that she was going to develop diabetes had nothing to do with her weight. That she'd develop it even if she was (SIL's words) 'a twiglet', because there's a family propensity towards diabetes (other SIL has had type 1 diabetes since childhood). I appreciate that there is SOME truth that she is more likely to get diabetes but surely, surely, the fact that's she's morbidly obese is an aggravating factor?

A couple of weeks ago I cracked and said to SIL that she needed to do something to protect her health, and told her I was worried about her. We discussed using internet tools like my fitness pal to log her food intake. I deliberately mentioned it because I know that the problem isn't generally that my SIL eats junk food. Actually she's an amazing cook and creates beautiful, usually healthy food. Just way, way, way too much of it. And she eats too much. I know this because I've had so many meals with her over the years. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask her to take food off my children's plates when we've eaten at her house and she's been serving. Her response to me suggesting measuring and logging her food intake was 'oh I really couldn't be bothered with doing that - I'm just too busy'. And then in the next breath talk in a fairly non-committal way about having to do something about her weight.

It makes me want to scream.

They've done all the plans, joined all the clubs, and failed to lose weight. Or lost it and put it straight back on. Her and MIL join together, and then conspire to cheat together. They undermine each other's attempts to lose weight, and BIL is constantly sabotaging SIL's efforts too. They comfort themselves by convincing themselves that actually they eat quite healthily, and that SIL is fitter than a lot of slimmer women because she walks to work every day (about a couple of miles over the course of the day - but she doesn't do speed). And that they could be hit by a bus anyway, and that their health problems are genetic, and .... you name it. Excuses, justification, trivialising the issue day in and day out.

Also watching MIL serving absolutely MASSIVE portions to my completely sedentary 18 stone FIL. And when I say massive - I mean a big plate with food piled up to the height of about 4 inches and falling off the edge of the plate. Huge curries, corned beef hash, stews..... The sort of plate of food any normal person would serve up to a 21 year old man at the end of a day of working down a mine or building a house. I mean - this is a woman who was a nurse. And she's his carer for goodness sake. I don't think she takes any responsibility for his health problems, which are immense and are both caused and complicated by obesity, as are hers.

Anyway, so now dd is showing signs of over-eating. She's JUST within the normal BMI for her age, but is at the top end of it and edging towards being overweight. She has muffin tops, big thighs and is starting to carry a lot more weight than is healthy around her middle. She doesn't have a big frame. I can't bear the thought of a fat future for her, with all the possible health problems that can go with it, especially in a family with a tendency towards diabetes and hypertension. I try so hard to be sensible about portion sizes and serve healthy food, but she just eats and eats and eats. When she's bored. When she's tired. Because she wants to. I'm starting to suspect she see's overweight as being normal and nothing to worry about, despite the horrible fall-out she sees around her.

Should add - I'm a bit overweight myself and am trying hard to address this issue, with some success. This has happened in the last few years as I'd always been a skinny before developing thyroid problems at 43 (I'm 45 now). But I take my health and DH's health seriously and will do everything I can to stay as well as possible for as long as possible, for the sake of my children and the rest of my family, as well as for myself.

Anyway, if you've got this far, well done. . Am I being unreasonable to have such strong feelings about this issue. Or should I keep my big nose out of my inlaws eating habits?

Hmm, two different problems, isn't it? I don't know what to do about your in-laws. You can't make intelligent, sentient adults do something they don't want to do. People with an addiction (and I think overeating is a kind of addiction, just like smoking or drinking) are massively self-deluding, so yes, they will tell themselves that they are really healthier than thin people or they're not really overeating or it's just their metabolism or the luck of the draw or whatever. At the end of the day, if they are intent on eating themselves to death, they will do.

Your DD is different. I have a slightly similar problem with my DD - she is not overweight but could be, as she is definitely getting chubby around the middle. She will sneak chocolates into her room when I'm not looking and that kind of thing. It's very hard because you don't want to make it into a big issue in case they become anorexic. I think what others have suggested about taking exercise together is good, so you could maybe take her friends swimming once a week or something. Or say that you're going to watch her weight and she could too and maybe make a game of it, counting calories and compare her notes. Sorry, these aren't brilliant ideas - if you find the answer, let me know.

Hello, just a thought, I had a similar situation as your DD when I was younger and ate mountains of chocolate because I was bored. I vividly remember my mum trying to take me swimming or walking and planning 'girlie' active time and I would do anything to avoid it but one thing she did do was buy us both craft kits (cross stitch, rug making) which we would do in the evenings. I had no hands free to eat anything and it's something which I still do now to avoid boredom snacking. It also meant we had little hobbies together and I eventually started swimming with her:)
Might be silly and it's obviously not a total solution.

Have just seen what TheLightPassenger says, and wants to agree about console games - the Kinect is brilliant for getting them up and dancing or running.

I didn't read all of your post because I got too angry. I am morbidly obese and an intelligent person.

I love that idea, Waiting. I did that too with my Mum - she's an amazing knitter and I found it quite addictive, so it occupied my boredom eating times.

My Mum also told me she wanted to start playing squash again because she hadn't played for years, but needed someone to play with, so she offered to teach me. It's not something I would ever have thought to do, but I began to really look forward to having something special to do with just me and Mum. It didn't involve being seen in public or take any more than an hour or so a week. it worked because if i didn't go, I was letting her down because she needed a partner.

OP I really feel for you. DSis4 (10 yrs younger than me) developed a weight problem through depression when she was a teen. She is just getting bigger and bigger now (at uni) and it is really sad :( She also eats masses, always asks for seconds and thirds, 'pops into' the kitchen to get another snack, has pint glasses full of fizzy drinks - and also avoids exercise. She has become asthmatic and that is now a reason for her not to exercise :(

I was a fat teen (still a bit podgy at 32, frankly) and I will tell you what did NOT work for me: my dad telling me I was fat. My dad taking away my pocket money and denying me treats he gave to my sisters because I was fat. Comparisons to my 2 slim sisters, neither. Negativity won't help.

What did help was family, planned activity. Also finding a sport that I liked and was reasonable at which gave me confidence and a goal to train for. Personally I think exercise obviously aimed at losing weight is super boring, so long walks on weekends, roller skating, etc. Maybe take up a class with her like Pilates which is not super difficult at first but makes you very body aware.

Secondly, talk to her. One thing which made me actually want to lose weight was my mum saying (scuse boasting) that I had breasts lots of women would kill for but I'd look better if I had a waist to match. Also talking sensibly about weight. If your ILs are so obviously obese, DD should be of an age when you can say to her 'You know DAuntie is ill, I'm so worried that we might lose her, and I am worried that you like me and Dad have a genetic predisposition to be the same way so I want to take care of you by doing x y and z'.

That is not nasty and she should be old enough to understand that. Good luck it's tough x

I don't think the OP is implying the two can't coexist, Eeyore. She's venting frustrations about people she loves.

I have a very simple suggestion for you, Shagmund. Aside from sitting down with your DD and talking about the family weigh problem quite honestly & not-emotionally, which I would be tempted to think she's old enough to acknowledge.

Get her to eat more slowly. Aim to nibble & savour every bite. As an eating habit it's an excellent way to help manage food intake. Food should be too lovely to ever wolf down.

It's so tricky because if she were younger you could ban the fizzy drinks completely due to the fact that they are full of shit!

I think when you suggested the calorie counting website to your SIL and she dismissed it, and then complained she was overweight, I think I would have said "well do the website I suggested then, the weight won't just come off itself, you have to actually do something about it". or something like that. Do you ever just tell her like that? Or mention that her portion sizes are huge?

If you are a bit overweight because of your thyroid, could you perhaps join a club with SIL? Then you could do it together and encourage one another? :)

As for your DD - you said you don't keep snacks in the house, and I'm not sure that's wise with a teen - could you start keeping some low calorie snacks in the house? Walkers French Fries (crisps) are 89kcal a bag and feel naughty, whereas a block of cheese (at 100kcal per 25g - a tiny amount) perhaps feels healthy but really isn't, if her weight is an issue. Could you buy her tins of diet pop on occasion, to stop her buying "full fat" varieties when she's out and about?

I understand your frustration... and also understand that you are frustrated because you love your family. It is hard to see the people you love eat and eat and eat - having no control and therefore being very destructive to themselves. But that's it.... To themselves! You have aired your concern and been supportive in showing that you care and that you worried... and you sound like a really lovely person to have had that very difficult conversation with your loved ones... but.... you just need to leave them to it I'm afraid. They have got to want to do it, reeeeeally want to do it.... themselves. It's a mind set... and one day, I hope, something will click.... and when it does, you be there and support them every step of the way! And they will do it, with your help.. but, the decision has to bewith them.

Regarding your lovely daughter... communicate.. talk about your concerns. And say that you don't want her to turn out like your family. I believe talking it through and being very honest with her - why you're 'on her case' about it... will help her understand. And, do it together.

Like very young children.... bribe away! But, get away from food being treats... get other treats....cinema trip...shopping trip... itunes vouchers.... sleepover with friends... anything to incentivise. And do it really slowly.. aim for 1-2 lbs a week.. could even do somekind of funky homemade older reward chart - that you could make together. You can limit what she eats at home - but not out and about.... I used to babysit... and spend all my money on food... and eat the family I was babysitting for out of home!!! Literally!
But, my step-mum did the 'cruel to be kind' method... and it did not work... she tried bribery, she tried starving me... ridiculing me.. you name it, she tried it. She never 'talked to me'.. she never 'listened to me' and she never understood why i was eating in the first place. I can honestly say that I used to eat - just to piss her off somedays!!

One thing that worked majorly for me (been seriously overweight since i was 11 yrs old) is cutting out wheat! It's changed my life! I stopped being addicted to certain foods.. broke the cycle (vicious cycle) and I took control for first time in my child and adult life. I did dip in and out of it sometimes.... and consequently yo-yo a bit...(which i know isn't ideal) - but... it's stopped my destructive eating habits and binging. I dont hate myself anymore....

you sound like a really lovely person... just talk to her and do it together.... but, make sure it remains fun and not to go getting to obsessive about it - and watch your daughter for that too.... it's ok to have a day off... make one day a week or a fortnight, saturday maybe - a fun day... and let her choose what she'd like to eat.. her favourite food.. and have it... just limit portion sizes/make it together with lesser fat/calories.... have fun doing it together.

I think you're halfway there to be honest.... the fact that you do care and the fact that want to help her... just talk to her and be honest.

forgot to say - my step-mum would have nothing in the house for snacks- would say have a drink of water etc... so, i would just buy my own snacks and hide them from her.... and steal away and buy stuff.. and even store food upstairs! she would make my portions tiny compared to the others at the table (even my young neices!) - and it made me resent her even more.... 'i'll show her'.... 'she can't control me now'...etc..... and, we never talked... talk, talk, talk....x

There's just no point. My entire family is morbidly obese. I don't think it is that easy to change, tbh, it is an addiction unlike any other (you can't just avoid the "drug", you have to eat no matter what). It's not as simple as "lifestyle advice". Many people know theoretically what to do but find changing what they do very difficult, and I suspect there are often genetic AND emotional factors at play. My mother and sister are miserable about their weight and spend oodles of time and money on weight loss programmes and exercise gadgetry. They all work - for a time - and then the old habits creep back in.

I think a lot of the info out there on controlling weight is pants, too. It's asking people who habitually overeat to starve themselves rather than retrain themselves to eat normal amounts. If you have been eating 3-4000 calories a day, eating 2000 is more than adequate for weight loss, yet most of the diets drop people down to a level way below their basal metabolic rate while also asking them to increase exercise. There's a lot of research that says that this doesn't work and the weight comes back on... everyone expects and is told to go for the quick fix. I feel desperately sorry for - not frustrated by - the experiences of my obese family and am just lucky that I have never gone down that road really.

I hate to say it, but she is likely to end up overweight or obese. She has the "urge"

Its hard to quell.

Take a step back. The difference in her weight won't probably be that significant - however, the difference in your relationship probably will. Don't let her have anything to blame you for.

Being fat is not a crime. I know its not great but as with adults, with teens I think the desire to change habits/wants/needs/desires has to come from within.

I've forgotten his name, but the gay man with glasses who does a weight loss programme on sky is really good if you can get them to watch it, because he does normal portion size versus what they are eating. His name is Steve something?

I think you have to set a good example (as you are aware), secondly I would buy myself some good health books 'like burn fat, feed muscle'. I would be open about eating healthily and exercising and invite her to join you. Most importantly set a good example yourself. Be firm with in-laws about your portion size and your choices.Also shop healthily

She will follow you.

A) Stop focusing on your ILs. Unless your DD is spending a considerable amount of time with them, every week, their habits will be far less influential than those of your own.

B) If your ILs choose to eat themselves into an early grave that is entirely their own choice. They are autonomous adults and you do not have the right to try and force them to make different choices, just because you would prefer them to behave differently.

C) Find ways to help and support your DD which focus on being active, busy and happy. Do not focus on her diet and weight. If she suspects for a moment (even if she is wrong) that you are judging her as harshly as you judge her grandparents, then your relationship may never recover.

Thinking about your DD. ours was 8 when we noticed she was getting overweight. We hadn't realised it but so were we.

We ALL joined a gym and took up sport together. She's now a Scottish gold medallist in her sport, DH is training to be a personal trainer, and I'm about two stone lighter, though I could do with being lighter and fitter but I like to eat lots and sit on MN or watching TV.

The best thing you can do is set her an active example.

And yes you can take her pocket money, and you can put a lock on the fridge. I disagree that you ignore it. It is a big deal. You wouldn't ignore her taking drugs and this can be just as damaging in the long term potentially.

YANBU my parents are the same. I have tied and tried and tried to help them change but to no avail. My DF has type 2 diabetes and still nothing has changed. I have offered to cook, I subscribe to a foodie mag and it always has sections on healthy cooking, which I give them and they ignore, I have asked them to come to WW with me or swimming but still nothing. It's very frustrating to say the least! I let myself get upto a size 16 but am now back to a 12 which at 5"8" is reasonable, so I know how hard it can be to change but to deliberately ignore something so damaging is stupid and annoying! it makes me sad that they just don't care about themselves or their future health, I worry that they'll both just drop dead of massive heart attacks. they are both the type tk say "oh well, such and such died and they were slim."

Sorry bit much help, but you aren't one in your feelings.

Thanks for all the ideas. I do have to be really careful with dd - she's super rebellious at the moment. Like a female version of Kevin the teenager. Anything I suggest she does the opposite....

I'm hoping that her aimless greedy scoffing and may ease off at around the same time her spots start to clear up and she starts voluntarily tidying up her room.
In the meantime I'll keep encouraging her to come out with us and try to cook super healthy family meals.

Popcorn - if I left refined carb snacks around for her like crisps I suspect she'd eat them AS WELL as the cheese instead of having them as an alternative. I really don't like diet drinks for kids either. I'd rather she drank water, milk or tea.

Lots of the suggestions above are great, mother-daughter squash and knitting are pretty imaginative solutions :)

Has she said that she'd like to lose weight? I agree that you should get her talking about how she feels about it. Try to emphasis the health side of things and avoid implying that being thin would make her pretty (not suggesting you would do this), the messages teenage girls get about beauty are hard enough to deal with as it is.

When I first started to think about my weight (I used to be very active and one of those lucky people who can eat virtually anything) I was very surprised to find how many calories different foods contained - many things were way better or way worse than I expected. It might not be obvious to her at all. These pictures of 200 calories of different foodstuffs are quite a fun way to illustrate it. Your whole family could do fitness pal for a week and see how many calories you're eating, and use it as a chance to get your daughter talking about it - you might find that doing a few simple substitutions (eg. grapes instead of cheese snack) would make a big difference.

Your inlaws weight is not in your control, and not really your business (even if you are motivated purely by concern for them), your childs most certainly is.

focus on the one you can affect, not what you can't.

My Dads family is mainly obese although my Dad is the opposite (very health conscious and active - he has run 30 marathons and 100's of other races). My gran died as a result of her obesity, my aunt has various health probs as do some of my uncles and several of my cousins are overweight.

I am also overweight. When I was young I was a bit chubby and I think my parents could have dealt with it then to be honest but I suppose they thought it was puppy fat. When I turned 11 my mum started to pressure me to lose a bit/do some exercise/eat healthily. The constant emphasis that she and my father put on my body at the age where I was becoming so aware and uncomfortable about it (puberty started at 11 for me) was hugely damaging. I started secret eating at that point and still struggle with it now at 33!

I was very aware that my mum was worried I would end up like my gran etc but from the age of 11 until I had my first child at 25 our relationship was soured by the weight thing. It didn't help for me that my mum is very thin and struggles with her own self image. She has slightly anorexic tendencies to be honest.

During those years she bribed me to lose weight ("I will buy you a whole new wardrobe of clothes" etc etc), locked food away, took me out walking, scowled at me if I had a snack after school, shouted at me if she found empty crisp packets upstairs...

To be honest I think if she had just had a good selection of healthy food at home, encouraged exercise as a family and stopped making me feel bad about myself I would have lost the weight (which I did at about 14 - interest in boys started) and not regained it. But it became a power struggle in our relationship.

I am not saying you should do nothing but I think you have to be very careful not to make such a big deal of it. My mum had good intentions - still hurt like hell though. Teenagers are sensitive creatures.

"I'm very unwilling to become so controlling about what she eats outside the house that I take ALL her pocket money away so she can't spend it on things I don't want to eat."

Why? You are her parent and it is your job to enforce discipline and good habits...

Actually, I agree that you shouldn't be going over the top with trying to control what she eats outside the house. If she really does have a big inbuilt urge to eat, she will find ways of doing it. It would do nothing but teach her to hide things from you and make her think about ways she can eat without being found out.

I think the best way to go is bribery. I have to bribe my fairly lazy ds to go for walks and bike rides, or do wii fit with him to encourage him to do it. The suggestion about giving her something else to do in the evenings so that she doesn't get bored and want to eat is a good one.