Obese inlaws - health issues. Frustrated and sad. And a bit angry. Probably unreasonably so.

[shagmundfreud]

Long and a bit ranty. Sorry. Need to get it off my chest.

The family I married into has had problems with obesity since I've known them (17 years) but it's only in the past 10 that the chickens have started to come home to roost. As thread title says, I'm feeling sad and angry about the situation, but also worried at how it may affect my immediate family, because dd (12) is now beginning to develop a weight problem as well. Sorry for the length of this - I've been chewing this issue over during Christmas and really want to unload.

MIL - morbidly obese pretty much her whole adult life. She now has type 2 diabetes and heart problems. And arthritis. And has never fully recovered from a botched hernia operation a few years ago which was complicated by her obesity.

FIL also morbidly obese. He had a stroke a few years back while MIL was recovering from her botched surgery and was still in hospital. At 79 he weighs about 18 stone and is only barely mobile. He's incontinent and starting to become senile.

SIL morbidly obese and hypertensive. She's 50 and has just been told she will be diabetic in 2 years time. Her pancreas isn't working well at the moment but she's not yet developed diabetes proper.

BIL is obese and a smoker. He's had to retire after having a heart attack at 48.

Their youngest dc is 12 and is obese.

All in laws are lovely, lovely people, and morbidly obese SIL in particular is a beautiful person inside and out. I really love her very much.

But I've started to feel angry and intensely frustrated at how intelligent people - because not one of them is stupid - can be so fatalistic about their health and not see what's staring them in the face: that they eat way, way, way too much, and it's ruining their lives.

Family parties involve obscene amount of food, whatever the time of year. A casual family barbecue will involve every conceivable type of meat: ribs, burgers, chicken, steak, sausages. It's expected that all the adults present will eat a couple of burgers, a couple of hot dogs, some chicken, a massive portion of lasagna, some steak, salads, garlic bread. And the children too. And at least three types of pudding. Oh, and lashings and lashings of full-fat coke, which is poured for the children into massive plastic cups. Last time DH invited the family over I asked him whether it made sense to cater for them in this way - we're either encouraging ridiculous waste (which we don't approve of and can't afford) or ridiculous overeating.

Obese SIL talks about being a bit 'naughty' and helps herself to two or three heaped tablespoons of double cream on her (massive portion of) pudding. Then has another portion afterwards, with a little tinkle of conspiratorial laughter. And we all play along. When she came back from her recent set of blood tests she told me that the nurse had said the fact that she was going to develop diabetes had nothing to do with her weight. That she'd develop it even if she was (SIL's words) 'a twiglet', because there's a family propensity towards diabetes (other SIL has had type 1 diabetes since childhood). I appreciate that there is SOME truth that she is more likely to get diabetes but surely, surely, the fact that's she's morbidly obese is an aggravating factor?

A couple of weeks ago I cracked and said to SIL that she needed to do something to protect her health, and told her I was worried about her. We discussed using internet tools like my fitness pal to log her food intake. I deliberately mentioned it because I know that the problem isn't generally that my SIL eats junk food. Actually she's an amazing cook and creates beautiful, usually healthy food. Just way, way, way too much of it. And she eats too much. I know this because I've had so many meals with her over the years. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask her to take food off my children's plates when we've eaten at her house and she's been serving. Her response to me suggesting measuring and logging her food intake was 'oh I really couldn't be bothered with doing that - I'm just too busy'. And then in the next breath talk in a fairly non-committal way about having to do something about her weight.

It makes me want to scream.

They've done all the plans, joined all the clubs, and failed to lose weight. Or lost it and put it straight back on. Her and MIL join together, and then conspire to cheat together. They undermine each other's attempts to lose weight, and BIL is constantly sabotaging SIL's efforts too. They comfort themselves by convincing themselves that actually they eat quite healthily, and that SIL is fitter than a lot of slimmer women because she walks to work every day (about a couple of miles over the course of the day - but she doesn't do speed). And that they could be hit by a bus anyway, and that their health problems are genetic, and .... you name it. Excuses, justification, trivialising the issue day in and day out.

Also watching MIL serving absolutely MASSIVE portions to my completely sedentary 18 stone FIL. And when I say massive - I mean a big plate with food piled up to the height of about 4 inches and falling off the edge of the plate. Huge curries, corned beef hash, stews..... The sort of plate of food any normal person would serve up to a 21 year old man at the end of a day of working down a mine or building a house. I mean - this is a woman who was a nurse. And she's his carer for goodness sake. I don't think she takes any responsibility for his health problems, which are immense and are both caused and complicated by obesity, as are hers.

Anyway, so now dd is showing signs of over-eating. She's JUST within the normal BMI for her age, but is at the top end of it and edging towards being overweight. She has muffin tops, big thighs and is starting to carry a lot more weight than is healthy around her middle. She doesn't have a big frame. I can't bear the thought of a fat future for her, with all the possible health problems that can go with it, especially in a family with a tendency towards diabetes and hypertension. I try so hard to be sensible about portion sizes and serve healthy food, but she just eats and eats and eats. When she's bored. When she's tired. Because she wants to. I'm starting to suspect she see's overweight as being normal and nothing to worry about, despite the horrible fall-out she sees around her.

Should add - I'm a bit overweight myself and am trying hard to address this issue, with some success. This has happened in the last few years as I'd always been a skinny before developing thyroid problems at 43 (I'm 45 now). But I take my health and DH's health seriously and will do everything I can to stay as well as possible for as long as possible, for the sake of my children and the rest of my family, as well as for myself.

Anyway, if you've got this far, well done. . Am I being unreasonable to have such strong feelings about this issue. Or should I keep my big nose out of my inlaws eating habits?

I have always had problems with eating, and the times I feel I can get better control of this, lose weight or improve fitness are when I feel more in control of other areas of my life or more positive about life in general.

Make sure your dd (and to whatever extent possible, your ILs) are getting all the emotional support needed as well as helpful and practical lifestyle support. What else is going on in her/their lives? How is she enjoying secondary school? Try to give her reasons to feel she is great at achieving things, she probably wants to lose weight but doesn't want to feel like she is going to be scrutinised for every inch lost or gained. Presumably she's also developing and very self-aware, lots of girls want to hide their new shape behind some fat. Give her the tools to make changes herself, and be prepared for some days when it is more difficult than others.

I would also reiterate what others have said about eg Zumba; I hated Games at school but later in life discovered aerobics etc and really enjoyed that kind of thing. She may be uncomfortable getting into a swimming costume or may love the water - give her options.

Your FIL is 79 , he's already beaten the average life expectancy for a man. If he's immobile and starting to be senile it might be that eating is one of the few things he can take pleasure from.
TBH I find this whole post a bit weird.You are slating your MILs for not being able to control their family's weight, yet your own DD is growing towards being fat and you are overweight.I know you have the best intentions .But I think you should focus your energies on your own family!!

oh well, lets stop caring about any relatives once they get over 75

Ha, I've been to BBQs like you describe (I wonder if I know your ILs ) I agree focus on yourself and daughter, take up an activity (like zumba maybe) and go together. Bribe Incentivise her if needs be.

'oh well, lets stop caring about any relatives once they get over 75 '

..but there are different ways of caring.

Exercise with your DD. Try the Couch to 5k programme (threads about it on MN) or some other non-competitive physical activity.
Tell her you need to do it and need company, rather than making her feel she needs to do it because you're concerned about her weight.

working9while5 I think a lot of the info out there on controlling weight is pants, too. It's asking people who habitually overeat to starve themselves rather than retrain themselves to eat normal amounts. If you have been eating 3-4000 calories a day, eating 2000 is more than adequate for weight loss, yet most of the diets drop people down to a level way below their basal metabolic rate while also asking them to increase exercise.

I don't entirely agree with that. At least not with regards to weight watchers. They adjust your intake to how much you already weigh, so if you weigh 20 stone you can eat a lot more them someone who weighs 10. For me though, I only have 10lb to lose and on the lowest amount of points you can eat on WW the weight just doesn't come off at all! It's too much for me! Those sorts of diets though are supposed to be about retraining your eating habits and not overeating, just eating until satisfied.

I don't think they can be lumped together with some of the gimicky diets out there. Anyone doing the cabbage soup diet or similar who thinks they can maintain that long term is kidding themselves!

OP I would clear the house of out fizzy drinks, they are full of crap and no one needs them, and fill the house with healthy snacks and fruit so if she does have to snack then at least that's an improvement. I do think though, people snack so much more these days then they used to. I never had snacks in my house growing up and I was as thin as a stick. I was always hungry though so some available fruit would have been good!

I don't know Gluesticks, I did ww after ds to shift the baby weight and while I was breastfeeding it was great, but although the new system (which came in half way through my year of on-off ww'ing) seems more healthy, when I dropped the extra points I still found it was quite excessively restrictive e.g. quite low calorie.

I think for the vast majority of people actually learning to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full is a major key. The research on dieting isn't fantastic in terms of long-term outcomes, even for the major and more successful diets like ww and sw. Very few people maintain over five years. I will probably do ww again after this baby because it seemed very reasonable with additional points, but I find anything under 1500-1700 calories very difficult and that less makes me crave crap rather than real food. On the occasions I have needed to lose a few pounds here and there, I would rather lose 1/2lb to 1lb a week than have a few weeks of torture to maintain a 2lb weight loss. I appreciate it is harder to go for slower weight loss if you have a lot to lose and that psychologically it can deter people from making progress with these regimes, but perhaps if more people had the attitude that they should spend as long losing as they did gaining there would be more long term success.

You're blaming them (fairly) but then saying your 12 year old daughter has weight issues. It's down to YOU to not let her eat like that.

Hi there,

I'm actually a nutritional biochemist (does that make me sound a bit boffy?). I edit four women's magazines, so there are no eating issues on earth that I haven't covered!

As someone who cares about health, you have every right to feel frustraited. No doubt some people on here will write things to make you feel guilty because, to them (possibly with issues around weight and their perception of what 'kindness' is) you might sound harsh. But... maybe your concerns come from a place where you don't want them to do, what in fact, amounts to prematurely killing themselves - they should know better than that. They should know better for their children than that. In that sense, maybe you feel you need to press a panic button, like the button on a level crossing when someone is about to step out infront of a car.

Your in laws are one family in millions every day who make the decision to reduce their life expectancy through their behaviours. How many people on here smoke? How many consistently drink to much? How many do so knowing that it has the potential to harm them? Over-eating is much the same. The reasons why people do this are incredibly complex, and even within your family, the reasons why food is a problem will very from one person to another (people who are chronically obese absolutely have an unaturally association with food - whether this is poor nutritional education, emotional needs or food attachment issues, such as a sense of family identity/tradition/enjoyment).

I can tell you feel especially strong about the 12 year old - who has, through simply being in that family) had their life affected. This has been a topic of great controversy, with some pracitioners saying that it is essentially a form of child abuse. Their argument is: would you put three cigarettes in a 12 year olds mouth every day? Would you give them two glasses of wine every day? But society mostly views food as a pleasure, a necessity,,, essentially a 'harmless' commodity - positively needed for life. 'Can't do any harm' is very very easy for people to say when it comes to food.

It's about responsiblity. And maybe it will help you to know that this responsiblity is not yours. It is theirs and their healthcare practitioners. If they're not listening to them... then your input is likely to be ineffective too.

It is sad. It can be hard to watch.

Scream in private at home, and if you get wound up when you are at their house, scream at theirs in private too. I'm not into those 'talk to yourself in the mirror' therapies... but you must tell yourself that you have permission to surrender concern on their behalf.

Sorry.... forgot to say... with your dd, how old is she? The best way to tackle this is to sit her down and tell her the bare facts... in England, most people are overweight. In order to stay slim, you have to have considered eating and exercise patterns which counter the norm. It's tough, but that's the truth. The number of overweight teenage girls is concerning.

The tough bit: and it is tough, is that where a genetic predisposition to being overweight exists (as in my family), you just have to work harder at it. It's crap. But that's life. And this is a nutritionist saying so. I actually resent how hard I have to work to stay slim! But, I value my health too much to let it go.

Teaching your daugther this is, for today's lifestyle, a very important lesson.

I think there are a few studies that state exercise is more effective than dieting alone so to me exercise is the key. Are there any charities or causes that your DD is passionate about? Have you perhaps lost someone she cared about to a particular illness, eg cancer? Why not get the two of you signed up to some sort of sponsored event, something that's tough enough that you'll both have to train for. Have a competition to see who can raise most in sponsorship. Get her motivated to absolutely thrash you in whatever event it is. Then hopefully she'll start to feel good as the her fitness improves, and you've kick-started a virtuous cycle.

Unfortunately, for the rest of the family, I don't think you can do much more than you're already doing.

I agree you need to focus on dd and have an honest chat about your pil abs sil and how being obese has a big effect on their life

I don't see anyone saying that there are 12 year olds that are overweight that lose it in their teens.

This is the time when they do eat, get podgy and then grow. I've four boys who've all done that, and my youngest is certainly over the weight he should be for his age, but he's the image of his elder brother, who now, at twenty, has a BMI of 19.5.

I'd keep an eye on her diet, but don't, whatever you do, tell her she's overweight, just keep an eye on snacks, sweets and fizzy drinks and hopefully she'll get there.

I think youy should show this thread to yuor sil

"but don't, whatever you do, tell her she's overweight"

If she was underweight would it be wrong for me to mention it?

I don't agree that children should be encouraged to think they're simply 'lean' if they're actually underweight because of their poor nutritional habits. Nor do I think that we should use euphemisms like 'big' when a child is eating badly and has become overweight.

And we eat healthily at home - we don't generally have crap in the house. But she has got into a habit of overeating.

I hope for your son's sake Almostfifty that he does lose the excess weight he's carrying that'll aready be damaging his health. Sadly the research shows that many fat children grow up to become fat adults.

My dd knows she's carrying more weight than she should be. It doesn't matter what I say. She's average height, has an average frame, and is having to buy adult size clothes because age appropriate clothes won't do up around her middle. She's not thick. She knows she's not just 'big' or 'big boned'.

How depressing this post is. You are overweight, you have morbidly obese in laws and a lazy dd who intends on following you all. You are her role model, as is her family. You can hardly expect her to be slim can you?

You are part of the problem!

If you want to change then of course you must take away all sources of the problem!

Invite them to bbqs/ zumba parties at yours/ family walks or swims where there is delicious food high in veg and fruit and no junk/stodge whatsoever and absolutely clear your house of fizzy drinks, big blocks of cheese/chocolate etc.

Provide your dd with fruit for snacks and if they're hungry, point to the fruit bowl. Don't give her pocket money for food at all.

How can any one overeat when billions in the world are starving? Do you not have a conscience?

A poster on the fridge door of a starving child might help and then any money you save by not spending it on junk and food you don't need can go to a charity that helps those poor people.

That way you will be doing good, saving money, improving your health and getting slimmer and feeling better about yourselves for helping others.

Good luck.

Mumofmollyandjosh - thanks!

I do feel VERY strongly about this issue and worry for the future of the NHS as well as about individual family members.

I'm hoping that dd's interest in cooking and food will (paradoxically) help in the future. I've spoken to her about the poor quality of ingredients used in fast foods, and about how the body metabolises sugar and refined carbohydrates. I'm just hoping that she'll become more descriminating as she gets older. She does enjoy lovely food - fish, vegetables, salads, sea food. It's just that she like Greggs sausage rolls as well! (yuck!)

I think I will concentrate on getting her to be more active, and do more cooking with her.

I'm also going to give her more information about junk food. Maybe read her some bits from 'Fatland!'

I've managed to put her off eating fried chicken by telling her about poor standards of animal welfare for battery farmed hens.....

I once thought I should write a book.... 'Confessions of a fat nutritionist'!!!

When I was 12 years old, when I went to get to my secondary school uniform, there was no uniform to fit me in the shop. My mum and I went to Tesco and bought me a size 22 skirt. When I was 10, I was nearly 12 stone. I started my periods at age 9 (related to body fat percentage) and bought my first bra when I was just ten. Oh, that dreadful moment! I remember staring at it going along the conveyer belt feeling far too grown up, far too soon. I had asthma and croup nearly all the time.

I have struggled with weight all my life. My mum overfeeds my children (giving them adult sized portions, saying 'they are growing kids, they need the energy), but I keep my mouth shut in the knowledge that I am looking after their diets 75% of the time.

So I think honesty with our children, and positive ACTION from parents is the way forwards.

I am very happy for her to know my story about being a fat kid (I can make it really funny....

Actually, it came in really handy sometimes. I distinctly remember going up to a boy at junior school and telling him to kiss me or I'd sit on him. Doesn't work when they are 18 though... in that case the response is 'bring it on'.

Honestly I think the only person you can help is your DD. Sounds like the others are a lost cause. I can see why you are upset, but they are fat as the overeat and they aren't prepared to change it.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your DD, explain the family history - should be obvious to her - and what a healthy meal / portion size is and why its so unhealthy to be overweight. Explain about eating to satisfy hunger and not comfort eating and how its important to take steps to stay at a healthy weight.

Stop buying hard cheese and say that if she continues to buy coke / greggs etc she'll have no pocket money.

As others have said, you'll have to incentivise her to do exercise with her - eg swimming, ride a bike, walks in the park, exercise DVDs.

Maybe even do calorie logging with her??? I recommend the Rosemary Conley portion pots as it makes it very clear how big an (adult) portion of food are.

I also have an underactive thyroid but once under control through medication shouldn't affect weight.

If you don't mind, can I make a very, very simple suggestion for you.... Two rules when it comes to children and weight loss (so you avoid getting bamboozled by lots of people's suggestions about particular foods and diets):

1/ Crap food for treats at the weekends. Put them in their place. Not every day, but not cut out altogether. Work for it. See it as a reward for exercise - this is a healthy approach.

2/ Eat your food off large side plates. Research shows that PERCEPTION of a full plate leads to perception of a satistying meal. In fact, some studies have shown that the 'height' of a meal on a smaller plate was perceived to be a more calorific and filling meal than the same amount on a large plate but flat! This is absolutely wonderful for children and adults who are trying to lose weight without any particular food becoming perceived as 'bad'. Choose two different types of vegetables at every meal on this smaller plate.

:-D

Carriana, I've been slim my entire adult life until two years ago when I became hypothyroid. I've only got a BMI of 26, so I'm hardly massively overweight myself. I also cook and eat lovely food at home - we don't eat junk and I cook from scratch.

DD is overweight because she eats in between meals. Even healthy food (including fruit) can make you fat if you keep eating more than you're burning off.

And I can't deprive her of all her pocket money in the fear that she'll buy fizzy drinks when she's out with her friends.

Honestly - I think those of you who are saying that I don't exert enough control over my dd have no experience of dealing with a bolshy and hormonal pre-teen.

MumofMolly - one of the really weird things about dd is that although she is physically very mature for 12 (wearing a 34D bra already, has spots, and the full complement of pubic hair), she's still not started her periods. She'll be 13 in August. Obviously some of the boobage is because of her carrying too much fat, but she's clearly going to have a big bust even if she does slim down. Very odd that she's not having periods yet really.

Love tip number 2.

Tip number one we already do. I don't have biscuits in the house. I often give them things like prawns or smoked salmon after school for a treat.

Unpeeled prawns are a GREAT treat food. Takes them so long to peel them that they don't actually consume all that much, but still feel they've had a treat.

Also buy mussels, cockles, and artichokes.......

I'm lucky that my kids will eat unusual foods.

My two younger children are like whippets.