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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 31/12/2011 16:06

Rerevisionist seems a bit too fixated on anal sex for my liking.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 31/12/2011 16:06

Thanks to all. Just to update people. I've now written my full account of what the colleague has said and done along with a covering letter of complaint. I'm giving this to my boss on Tuesday. My dh got back from his trip today. When he heard how it has escalated he was horrified and furious too. He's read through it all and thinks it's succinct, clear and unambiguous. The covering letter quotes ACAS guidelines and clearly explains why I feel this has been handled incorrectly. I'm going to: ring my union on Tuesday to get some back up for just in case; meet with my boss and explain how I feel and give him the account, letter and a copy of the evidence (the card) and, lastly, ask that he reflect and tell me how he will be dealing with this situation so that I am no longer harassed. I will keep copies of all I've given him and I will ask for his decision in writing. Hopefully, this will be enough. If not, I will get HR and my union involved. I will let you all know on Tuesday how it goes.

Have a lovely start to 2012! Thanks again to all who have been helpful.

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 31/12/2011 16:09

Good luck learner. Come back if you need any more help or feel free to pm me. Have a lovely evening

Pliny · 31/12/2011 16:13

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3017

Equality Act 2010 changed the law last October to include a wider definition of harassment (relating to sexual orientation and some other protected characteristics) so that you don't have to be gay or lesbian to prove harassment but it can still be on those grounds (either being perceived as being gay or on the basis of associating with gay or lesbians). She is creating a hostile and intimidating atmosphere and I think your colleagues can also complain but you most definitely can. Please phone ACAS and get their advice first before setting out your letter but your boss has been very silly in siding with her simply because (I suspect) s/he believes religious views take precedence. They don't. She can't bully or intimidate you like this. Please speak to your union too - Union and ACAS should be spoken to before writing your letter or approaching HR. If your boss wants to set up a meeting to discuss before you are ready, just say would you mind waiting until x date - I am in the process of getting legal advice. Then let him stew until you are prepared. Good luck OP - people like you change 'society's' views one person at a time and even if she is a lost cause you will be sticking up for your son.

Or how about posting a link this thread in Employment for some legal advice?

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2011 16:14

clearly explains why I feel this has been handled incorrectly

don't do their job - by telling them how they have handled it wrongly is telling them how they should operate - leave them to decide how to do their job.

Just state the facts - not how you feel about it, hard as it is keep any feeling out of any letter. And don't make any sort of comment on where or what your boss has done wrong - that is plain to see by his actions anyway.

I would speck to the union first before sending the letter, email them a copy of the letter and take it from there. The union may want to tackle things slightly differently with your best interests in mind.
Good luck with all this.

LoopyLoopsHootyHoots · 31/12/2011 16:35

Good luck, I'm so glad you are taking this further. Your DCs will be proud. :)

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 31/12/2011 16:37

Ok, thanks. My first move on Tuesday was definitely going to be ringing my union and I knew they might advise me to do other things. I'll see what they say. I have my account (which is very factual) written down at least so I have things ready if I need.

OP posts:

hester · 31/12/2011 16:47

Good luck, OP.

Rerevisionist reminds me of that definition of homophobia: someone who is scared that gay men will treat him how he treats women.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 31/12/2011 16:53

I think rerevisionist is one of those people who turn up at A+E with a hoover attachment up their arse, having mysteriously "fallen" on it, whilst vaccing in the nude

cornsilxkski · 31/12/2011 16:53

good luck OP

tribpot · 31/12/2011 17:06

Good luck LearnerInLife. Of course, we don't know your boss but from what you've written of his actions to date, I wouldn't trust him to handle a complaint competently. Hopefully your union will advise you accordingly - either to involve HR directly or by at least ensuring there is a witness to your discussion with him.

minitoot · 31/12/2011 17:19

YANBU. I don't think your boss has any right, legally, to tell you to stop talking about your son. You should find out what your rights are under employment law and bring them to her attention. And you should point out that the other woman is acting hatefully and with prejudiuce towards your son because he is gay. That has to be against some kind of law.

minitoot · 31/12/2011 17:20

Just read your latest post - brilliant. Good luck. It makes me sick to think people still behave like this in (nearly) 2012.

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 17:24

I think rerevisionist is one of those people who turn up at A+E with a hoover attachment up their arse, having mysteriously "fallen" on it, whilst vaccing in the nude

Or whose 'significant other' comes equipped with a footpump.

MarianneM · 31/12/2011 17:35

Your colleague sounds unhinged.

Your boss is wrong.

You should make a complaint, that's outrageous behaviour from your colleague and boss!

SoFreshNSoClean · 31/12/2011 17:39

Well done Learner and good luck. You and your DH sound like wonderful supportive parents. x

Rerevisionist · 31/12/2011 18:05

Sorry, it's difficult for me to post here, because whoever tries to monitor the site doesn't like free speech.

SecondDietLucky · 31/12/2011 18:13

LearnerinLife - You have had great advice on here, but I just wanted to echo that the ACAS guidance is accurate. It doesn't matter that your colleague is being horrid for religious reasons, it is still discrimination. You can't 'trump' sexual orientation anti-discrimination laws with religious beliefs, even though religion is generally protected itself. And since the Equality Act 2010 it's very clear that the law covers people's families.

Good luck with your union and the complaint. I think you are doing totally the right thing and you sound a lovely mum.

vincettenoir · 31/12/2011 18:14

If I were you I would just tell your boss that after giving it some thought you won't be talking about your son any less. What can he do to stop you? Although you are much better off doing this if you work for a large organisation with a big HR department or better still public sector. If you work for a small company and your boss is the MD you're probably a bit more vulnerable.

Sarahplane · 31/12/2011 18:43

I think under the equalities act 2010 it is now illegal to discrimate, or harass someone for their sexual orientation or the sexuality of anyone they are associated with. Surely this should come under that. Check it yourself but that's my impression.

Northernlurker · 31/12/2011 18:57

Just to say I'm a Christian, so is DH and we are both shocked and dismayed by this woman's behaviour to you. I reckon she is thoroughly mistaken in what she sees as her 'mission' Good luck OP.

perfumedlife · 31/12/2011 20:12

But that's dreadful rerevisionist We all abhore the silencing of free speech here, it's the main reason we are all in agreement. I would fight to the death for your right to say what you think. I just wouldn't agree with it, or stand for being told to shut up about my love for my children.

Can you speak in words unlikely to flame the censor ? I'm sure we are all waiting with baited breath to hear what you have to say. I know I am

MaisyMooCow · 31/12/2011 21:14

And if it was you who was gay, would she refuse to work with you?

Stuff like this makes my blood boil. Good luck OP, hope you sort it out.

catsmother · 31/12/2011 21:17

Bloody hell Learner .... really hope your boss immediately realises what a twat he's been about this and backtracks straight away, and deals with the hysterical harpie in an appropriate manner befitting her ill-judged and bigoted poison. As you say she's making a hell of a lot of assumptions about your son which are none of her business, and quite why normal family chit chat should make her feel uncomfortable is anyone's guess. You're not talking about sex - hetero or homo - in any shape or form ... the fact she's blown it out of all proportion and professes to be "offended" says a great deal more about her sexual hangups I think.

Rerevisionist · 01/01/2012 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

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