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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
IndianOcean · 31/12/2011 12:22

"My HR department would be having kittens about your boss' behaviour "
And mine.

I agree - OP's situation deserves focus and attention - let's not feed.

solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 12:22

COmplain about this stupid woman. She is a fuckwit and a bully and she is the one breaking employment law by inflicting her superstitious rubbish on you.

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 12:22

Rev- also women are at most risk of becoming HIV positive. The reason so many former AIDS victims are dead is because of the rubbish spotted about it being a gay diesease and not enough research, meanwhile women were passing it on through BF.

The plague in Africa is because of hetrosexual sex.

solidgoldbrass · 31/12/2011 12:25

Revisionist is a tinfoil-hatted loon who wants to air his/her/its deranged conspiracy theories all over the interweb. SO best ignored.

SoFreshNSoClean · 31/12/2011 12:26

Only skim-read thread, sorry.

I am outraged on your behalf! Your boss is absolutely wrong to be backing this homophobic woman who is inflicting her views on you. What if this loon had to work with a gay person? Would they be banned from talking about their personal life in friendly office conversations? Ludicrous! Dont accept this!

LisaD1 · 31/12/2011 12:31

Your boss is an idiot, do you have a HR department? If so I would go to them and make a formal complaint about the mad woman and your boss.

I don't get what the issue is? My brother is gay, so what? his sexlife is as interesting to me as my heterosexual siblings - as in no interest at all. I would flip if I were told I can't talk about him because he is gay.

Diamondback · 31/12/2011 12:33

Read your work HR policy handbook and speak to HR - you may be in a position to make a formal complaint of harassment against this woman. Did you keep the offensive card she sent you?

Bet if you make a formal complaint, your boss backs right down...

gaveitago · 31/12/2011 12:42

There is nothing to discuss - you are right, they are very wrong.
You sound like a fantastic mum- be proud and well done.

notveryinventive · 31/12/2011 12:54

Just read this thread, Got no more advice than what has already been given really, which judging by your posts OP it seems that you are taking this up further. Good for you and good luck that it works out for you.

NatashaBee · 31/12/2011 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splashymcsplash · 31/12/2011 13:05

I've been reading this thread with interest. Good on you OP for accepting your son's sexuality and confronting this woman's views.

I know the *rerevisionist8 is a nasty troll, and this is probably rather obvious, but just wanted to point this out. Anal sex should not be associated solely with gay men. Many gay men never have anal sex (I have been told this by gay friends). Many straight people also have anal sex.. just look at the Friday night threads here! It just seems that talking about anal sex is something homophobes use when they know they have no real point to make..

fortyplus · 31/12/2011 13:09

I work for a local authority and if someone in my team acted as this woman has done they would be summarily dismissed. No second chances. Just saying...

You sound like a great mum - you and your son should be proud of each other.

I have a good friend with 4 kids whose eldest son is gay. When he's telling people about his family it's 'daughter is at Uni, eldest son is gay and at uni etc...' I asked him why he feels the need to do this - i.e. he wouldn't say duaghter is straight so why say son is gay? And he said so many people are judgemental about it that it's best to get it out of the way when he first mentions his son so they're not shocked later. That seemed rather sad to me - I know he doesn't have a problem with the fact that his son is gay - he talks fondly of his lovely boyfriend etc and paid for them both to go to Amsterdam as an 18th birthday present.

I think most younger people are quite accepting - most of the teenagers I know seem to have both gay and straight friends. It's horrible old bigots that cause problems!

This woman needs to see the error of her ways - so does your boss for condoning her horrible behaviour, however well meant.

Boboli · 31/12/2011 13:18

YANBU - as previous posster says, your colleague and boss are being discriminatory. Your employer has a duty to protect you against this kind of behaviour.

You should talk to your boss and tackle him about this because his approach is just wrong.

You may find it useful to phone the ACAS helpline for more background information - Monday-Friday, 8am-8pm and Saturday, 9am-1pm: 08457 47 47 47

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 31/12/2011 13:23

Good thread this one, its always good to know that the majority of people have thier heads screwed on right. There are always the odd loons, thank fuck we have legislation in place to deal with them appropriatly.

JuliaScurr · 31/12/2011 13:24

ACAS and union. It's illegal. Wishing you and family a Happy New Year free of homophobic gits

SaggyHairyArse · 31/12/2011 14:13

I have no idea about employment law so can't comment on that but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely Mum :)

My brother is gay and my Mum has a face like a slapped arse when ever she talks about it. She was glad he married a man called Alex as it is a unisex name so she doesn't have to explain anything. I think my brother and I are a source of embarrassment to her (he is gay and my DP is black), though she claims not to be a bigot... Hmm

I cannot believe that this woman has handled things in this way. If she had out and out said that she is religious and her views are that homosexuality is a sin and she would prefer it if you did not talk about homosexuality you might have a smidgen of respect for her. To send you hateful cards and go behind your back to your boss is just plain wrong.

I think you should send her a musical greetings card with this inside:

Rerevisionist · 31/12/2011 14:28

You people are heading for a fall. But, hey, some people can only learn the hard way.

SoFreshNSoClean · 31/12/2011 14:48

Your opinions are revolting @ Rerevisionist

Good luck, OP

TheDailyWail · 31/12/2011 14:55

And who are you to tell us we're heading for a fall? Russell Grant?

hwjm1945 · 31/12/2011 14:58

Isn't there legislation to stop this sort of homophobia?

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2011 14:58

not Russell Grant

SoFreshNSoClean · 31/12/2011 15:02

Heading for a fall my arse.

Anyone who thinks it is OK to discriminate against and harbour hatred towards someone for their sexuality is heading for a fall, more like.

And this anal sex obsession most homophobes have is grim, too. Why are you so obsessed with what other people do in bed, Rerevisionist? Do you buy into this ridiculous myth that straight people are all having vanilla, missionary-position sex every night, while all gay men are swinging from the chandeliers with their dicks up young boys bums?

Piss poor.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 31/12/2011 15:35

Arf @ "the hard way" :o

Sorry Blush

myfriendflicka · 31/12/2011 15:47

YANBU

What an appalling woman, and you are right, your boss is being unfair. He is supporting her homophobia. How bloody disgraceful. She is harassing you with HER obnoxious views.

Are you in a union? If you are, please get in touch with them and ask for advice. If not, I would think about joining one to be honest.

witherhills · 31/12/2011 15:58

They are both in big trouble I would say.
Good that you have the card