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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One of those damned disabled toilet threads.

167 replies

ReindeerBollocks · 30/12/2011 21:45

DS and I used a diabled toilet (well, I didn't but DS did).

DS has CF and although is affected by chest issues also has some considerable difficulties with his dietary and toilet needs. I.e. when he is suffering with a sore tummy and needs the toilet - he needs to go immediately or suffer an accident.

We were out today and despite keeping on top of all current meds and peg feeds, he had another episode. But there was a queue in the femal toilets (DS is 7 and while he normally uses the men's he wanted to use the womens with me as he was in considerable pain). I took him in the disabled toilet instead, thinking that he has a medical need and therefore entitled to us it. Except there was a man waiting with a disabled lady insisting we not use this toilet and wanting management involvement. I explained about DS's condition and that he needed to go but this gentleman was not convinced and thought that as the toilet was designed with wheelchairs in mind, that we should not have used the toilet.

So who was right? I didn't think I was being unreasonable, DS has had accidents before due to his condition, and whilst it's not technically a disability I feel his need does outweigh those of ordinary use and therefore entitled to use the toilet. This isn't my first AIBU thread about toilet use, for that I apologise profusely.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 31/12/2011 14:01

HI rollersara I do get funny looks as igo about my day and people have said i dont look disabled what does a disabled person look like ,
perhaps we need to wear a sign or something Grin and when i was pregnant i was told by people that i was also selfish for being pregnant (huh) and then somebody said to me well i cant be disabled if im pregnant (Huh again ) some have funny ideas about people with disabilities and illness , Confused especially when we are using the bloody toilet all i want to do is pee in peace

Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 31/12/2011 14:02

I would like to address a couple of issues, firstly I am really aware of maintaining the rights of the disabled, and would never knowingly cause offence. I have done all kinds of charity work raising disability awareness (not just CF but many visible and invisible disabilities). When we were asked why we were using the toilet I told the gentleman why - he personally didn't think this qualified as reason enough.

Secondly, DS is aware of his CF and is very open about it - we have always taken the stance that it is nothing to be ashamed of or hidden and so we do tell people if they ask or guess (taking large amounts of creon in public does tend to prompt questions).

And lastly, he doesn't have this problem all of the time, just some of the time. It's hit and miss as to when it occurs and when he is relatively well he uses the public toilets - he doesn't purposefully use facilities when others have a greater need and he is capable of actually using the toilet on his own. But when he gets a tummy upset it can be painful and I will often check his stools to see the cause - whether he hasn't had enough meds or whether he needs more movicol.

I didn't push in front of anyone - luckily it was empty, I think he may have soiled himself if there was a queue. It was on exiting the toilet that we were confronted by a wheelchair users husband.

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 31/12/2011 14:15

Disabled toilets aren't there so that disabled people don't have to wait, they are there to provide easier access to toilet facilities. Disabled people DO sometimes have to wait just like all of us do. They have to wait for lifts, parking spaces, toilets and so on. Anyone who is miffed about having to wait should get a reality check imo.

Zombi · 31/12/2011 14:15

rolla

ElfandSafety · 31/12/2011 14:28

op, of course ywnbu.
The problem as I see it is that so many people use these facilities when they really have no need.
They are able to justify to themselves that using facilities which are specifically for the disabled are perfectly acceptable.
Therein lies the problem and people like the op who have every right to use a disabled toilet and up getting comments and looks from other disabled people. Likewise with parking spaces.
I often think that those so vocal about their 'right' to use services of which they have no need would change pretty quickly if they were in the position of being disabled or caring for a family menber with disabilities.

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 14:54

The "mothers with prams" using accessible toilets will always continue while changing tables are placed in these loos - which is often (though not always) the case.

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 14:54

The "mothers with prams" using accessible toilets will always continue while changing tables are placed in these loos - which is often (though not always) the case.

Rollersara · 31/12/2011 14:57

What ElfandSafety said! I think to an extent Radar keys help - I would never ask someone who had a key, but there is definitely abuse of the system.

mrsjay, yes, I think some people are currently happier to think that I am using a wheelchair as a temporary measure relating to pregnancy rather than Xmas Shock a disabled person who has managed to get pregnant!

SuiGeneris · 31/12/2011 15:37

Really disagree with the idea that people who are not obviously disabled should be challenged when using the accessible loos. There are plenty of good reasons one might unavoidably need to do so and none of them are things people should have to disclose to a stranger in a public place. Examples that come to mind are continence issues, a sudden uncontrollable urge, stoma bags, etc...

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 31/12/2011 16:11

I was joking with my sister the other day that she should fake a limp when she uses her blue badge. Reading this thread, it seems like it might not be such a bad idea. Or perhaps she should wear a badge saying 'I have a hidden disability' :(

Pixel · 31/12/2011 16:26

As has been pointed out disabled people can be parents too, of course there should be changing tables in the toilets!

There's a campsite we go to that has fabulous disabled facilities, they've really thought about it. So yes! there is a low baby changing table, and a low mirror with a hairdryer! But there is also a normal height mirror so that the carer doesn't have to bend over like a hunchback to sort themselves out of a morning. After all, if I can't send ds in the toilet/shower on his own, I can hardly leave him outside while I go and clean my own teeth elsewhere, so I have to use the disabled bathroom with him. It's great when designers realise that disabled people are part of families like everybody else.

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 16:41

I don't think the tables are mostly there with disabled parents in mind though, they are just making the room double up as a changing room.
(Different if the height has been adjusted, obviously)

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 16:41

I don't think the tables are mostly there with disabled parents in mind though, they are just making the room double up as a changing room.
(Different if the height has been adjusted, obviously)

GoingForGoalWeight · 31/12/2011 16:51

My DS is severly disabled and i have to accompany him inside the toilet cubicle.

YADNBU!

The guy who complained is probably a stressed carer and is wrapped up in tiny details.

Whatmeworry · 31/12/2011 17:08

I want to know where these heavily trafficked toilets are, in 18 odd years of childrearing I've yet to see anyone except desperate toddlers use them.

Rollersara · 31/12/2011 18:33

IME anywhere there are a lot of people - the number of accessible toilets doesn't seem to scale. In small cafes there might be one M, one F and one accessible, at a busy shopping centre 25 M, 25 F, one accessible. And where time is limited, e.g. at theatres during the interval.

ElfandSafety · 31/12/2011 18:59

SuiGeneris, I agree with you, no- one should be challenged to ascertain their reasons for using disabled facilities but this relies on the common sense and decency of people who justify their 'right' to use them.
This is the problem, facilities like disabled toilets/parking bays are abused by others who have no need for them, not for those with hidden disabilites or continence problems etc.
Fwiw, we have on many occassions have had to que for the loo,parking spaces because others who have no need of them but purely for their ease and convieniance have prevented genuine users to wait.
How can that be right, if you want the same facilities as the disabled, perhaps you may want the disability too? Really - you do not!

characidae · 31/12/2011 19:09

Do you find it offensive if people ask if you are disabled?

Yes extremely offensive- I would not give you a polite answer. I have absolutely no intention of discussing my son's medical history, the degree of his disability or level of his need with a stranger outside a toilet. And my anger would not be any less if the questioner was disabled themselves.

My son is far more impaired than many wheelchair users. I get very very cross with the idea that disability = mobility issues.

Rollersara · 31/12/2011 19:16

It doesn't bother me if people ask if I'm disabled and I wouldn't be rude in response. As I said, it's a genuine question as to whether people are offended, and how else can those who do abuse the system be prevented or at least discouraged.

youarekidding · 31/12/2011 19:25

YANBU, I have bowel problems and when I'm in need and there's a queue in ladies I use the disabled toilet.

It's not a disability but is disabling iyswim.

Some people who use a wheelchair do so for medical reasons - not physical disability iyswim? For example my Dnan can walk but uses one as she has heart failure. Her's is a medical problem, and is purely an old age thing, but it doesn't lessen or increase her right.

Ignore the ignorant.

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 21:47

Elfandsafety, how can you ever really know that the people who made you queue for the loo didn't have a justifiable reason for using it? Isn't that the point of what happened to the OP?

igginezerscrooge · 31/12/2011 21:47

Elfandsafety, how can you ever really know that the people who made you queue for the loo didn't have a justifiable reason for using it? Isn't that the point of what happened to the OP?

WholeLottaRosie · 31/12/2011 21:48

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ElfandSafety · 31/12/2011 22:31

I know when they tell me iggi as has happened on many occassions,two of them, the chap who was in the disabled loo at mcdonalds who apologised and said he had no need of the dt and should have used the gents or people parked in a bay with no blue badge who I have asked very politely if they would be leaving soon so I could get the wheelchair out of the boot. Again replied with apologies because no other spaces were available.
I would never, ever question someone who was using disabled facilities but the very point I was trying make is we know (just read the threads on here) that because people so freely justify their 'need' for them when in fact they have no need but quite frankly are lazy buggers make situations like the op happen.
Quite simply really, if you do not have a disability whether it be a hidden one or not then don't abuse the facilities so people such as the op don't get a hard time. Simples.

tallulah · 31/12/2011 22:45

This year I have had surgery and chemo for bowel cancer. Both have had unpleasant long-term side effects. The specialist nurses at the hospital told me to use the disabled toilets. The Macmillan literature does too. Most of the time I don't need to, but I do still have problems with urgency so if there is a huge queue for the ladies (as there is often) I will use the disabled. I still feel guilty doing so, despite being told to, so if I was challenged I don't think I'd be too polite.

My biggest difficulty is that I generally have my 4 yo with me so the automatic assumption from others would be a precious mummy taking her child into the disabled facilities, rather than a woman with bowel problems using the accessible toilet :(