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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my boyfriend to propose to me

336 replies

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:45

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

OP posts:
mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 21:26

Fwiw Allagory if I had known it would take 7 years I would have bought shares in kleenex!

seeker · 28/12/2011 21:26

Who says it's not a commitment for life if you're not married?

allagory · 28/12/2011 21:27

When we discussed it with my now husband (of 10 years) he put it like this: you moved in with me, I had everything I wanted. He didn't particularly want the wedding (although he now has fonder memories of it than I do, actually) because he thought there was nothing in it for him. I had forged an imperfect contract with him by giving him what he wanted, without factoring in on what I wanted.

allagory · 28/12/2011 21:29

You are right it doesn't have to be marriage, but that's what the OP wants

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 28/12/2011 21:30

It's simply a fact that if you are a woman and earn less than your bidey-in and or have fewer assets (which is often the case if you've stopped work or halted work to have and care for childrenO, there are benefits of being married over not being married. And if you have substantial assets, then the benefits of being married are compelling in order to protect your joint wealth from inheritance tax should something happen to one of you.

If you have bugger all assets and almost no pension, you needn't worry. You can carry on, as you were.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 21:37

Seeker, it's fine not to marry, or not to want to be married. It's also fine to want to marry your partner. What is not fine is to ignore or dismiss a partner's wishes, basically fob the partner off and keep him/her dangling, because you want the relationship to remain on your terms.

forehead · 28/12/2011 21:39

A desperate woman is not attractive to a man.

ZillionChocolate · 28/12/2011 21:45

I was a leap year proposer. I wanted to be married and I wanted to have children and in that order. I thought my boyfriend was unlikely to ask me as he did not think marriage was as important as I do and didn't like weddings. I thought the honest thing was just to ask him myself. I am not into hinting/manipulation. I did it at leap year because it was convenient and I liked that there was some tradition about it. I would have compromised on the wedding and had a very cheap/low key wedding if that's what it took, but in the end we had a big but casual wedding that we both really enjoyed.

I think proposals and weddings are significantly less important than marriage. You need to talk to him to work out what the problem is.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 28/12/2011 21:54

I'm always fascinated by what those ideologically opposed to marriage do about their children's surnames? Do they get the father's, mother's or the dreaded hyphen? And what do those poor children do if they pair off with partners whose parents were ideologically opposed to marriage also and have inherited similarly cumbersome hyphenated names. Do their children become Ned and Lucy Snaith-Matthews-Grigson-Lumsden? Or some sort of unrecognisable hybrid which honours neither line?

scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 22:17

prufrock,like many smug marrieds you assume/presume unmarried women secretly want to be married, and it's fib or delusion to opine otherwise

quite frankly have never wanted to be married, nor do I secretly suppress a desire to be married.it's not a significant act for me.I do wonder what is it about being unmarried with children that so irksome to others

certainly couples need to have the conversation about finances, property,children and make sound adequate provision. but that doesn't necessarily mean one has to marry

allagory · 28/12/2011 22:34

I salute your confidence, scottishmummy. I kind of wish I never wanted to be married. But I need that kind of validation. And I like the clarity that marriage gives: everyone knows what's what. For me, I don't think conversation is enough. I want rights for my children and I that are enshrined in law. And I also want my half of the house to go to my husband when I die, so he can keep on living here, and not to the taxman.

seeker · 28/12/2011 22:35

Marriage is not essential- it is perfectly simple to ensure the security of yourself and your children without it.

And the last name thing is bonkers. Children don't have to take their father's name even if their parents are married. And if a double barrelled person wants to start a new family with another double barrelled person they can choose one of the names, or split them or invent an entirely new name- the choices are endless.

scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 22:40

allegory,it's my preference.but plenty folks do marry and have joyful relationship. I'm not anti marriage I just have never wanted to be married. but we have seen solicitor and made sound and adequate provision

genuinely I think one knows whether or not they want to marry,and I knew didn't

its like I also knew I'd still work ft after kids, never wanted to be housewife
or married

BluddyMoFo · 28/12/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 23:19

You don't have to be in a relationship with your DC's other parent to give the DC a happy and secure life, let alone having to be married. Better to be single and have a friendly, co-operative co-parent relationship than be fretting yourself into fits trying to make a couple-relationship 'work' with someone who simply isn't that bothered, or is actively unpleasant.

2rebecca · 28/12/2011 23:27

I've been married twice (still with no 2) but it was more a joint decision than him proposing to me each time. I would never have had kids without being married though, and if you are committed I don't see the point in not being married.
I don't believe marriage is necessarily for life though, just until you no longer want to be together, but do see it as important for legal reasons especially if you have kids.
I think if I had had to emotionally blackmail either of my husbands into marrying me we wouldn't still be together.
If you live together and have kids I'm not sure why you wouldn't get married, it's like you're waiting for someone better to come along.
Also to me partner is a business partner and I'm too old to be a girlfriend.

allagory · 28/12/2011 23:37

So, crying because you want to get married is emotional blackmail but saying you'd never have kids unless you were married isn't?!

seeker · 28/12/2011 23:45

Who said it isn't?

seeker · 28/12/2011 23:46

."If you live together and have kids I'm not sure why you wouldn't get married, it's like you're waiting for someone better to come along."

Jesus wept!

scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 23:50

is it really so hard to grasp that one may not want to get married?

there are some lame ole cliches getting trotted out too. so roll up roll up,let's see

  1. must secretly desire marriage,or be fibbing or deluded to not be so desirous of it
  1. if unmarried ,it's not real /serious/commitment type of relationship
  1. unmarried =biding time for another better offer come along

genuinely do some of you believe that twaddle

Original poster
woahthere · 28/12/2011 23:50

how very open minded you are maypole [sceptical]
allagory.. i have done the crying thing, admittedly was drunk at time, can't remember the outcome, I think he went a bit sulky...
maybe i do need to accept that he doesnt want to be married, and that doesnt actually make me feel like he loves me less, it just makes me think that he doesnt want to do it, i do and therefore thats annoying, and actually maybe he should just ask me because he knows it will make me happy if nothing else...we all have to do things we dont want to sometimes right?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 23:53

he doesn't want to marry you
stop banging on, he's made it clear
what are you going to do?gurn him up the aisle
or take stock,that you love each other,have 3 weans,and apart from this you say it's all peachy

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 29/12/2011 00:00

I must admit, if you're the sort who does want to get married, then why would you move in with someone, get mortgaged up and have children with them, without being sure that marriage was definitely on the cards?

Fine to do that if neither of you are the marrying kind, but if one of you is? Do you think you'll show him how wonderful it will be to be married to you? If so, then why would he need to bother?

I also don't understand why, if you're the marrying kind, you'd flail around with someone who supposedly is, but who shows absolutely no inclination to marrying you.

I'm aware this sounds totally and horribly smug-married, but seriously - OP, I'm sure you're a lovely person. There are lots of lovely men in the world. Why settle for one who doesn't want to throw himself into being with you?

A1980 · 29/12/2011 00:05

The 29th February 2012 fast approaches. You propose to him on that day!

scottishmummy · 29/12/2011 00:11

if he wanted to marry you he'd have done it,he's had enough hints etc
for love god don't propose,don't set an awkward scenario up which will probably deflate and disappoint you

proposing smacks of desperation,just because you can
is it really want you want,to haul the reluctant groom up the aisle?
if you were so set on marriage that should have been more pivotal at outset,and plan engagement ,set date etc