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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my boyfriend to propose to me

336 replies

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:45

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

OP posts:
SweetLilyTea · 29/12/2011 00:22

I think you need to talk to him OP. My dh had really rather petty reasons he didn't propose after the usual 2 years, 4 months or whatever the average is supposed to be.

He had issues with a wedding not with marrying me. He hates to be centre of attention and has quite a few -erm- family issues. The difference between our families is very marked - and would've been very noticeable in a traditional church do.

So we settled on an intimate register office wedding and a restaurant meal afterwards. For some reason the mere thought of a speech or the first dance in front of 100 people sent him into a mass of nerves. Ha ha, can't think why! So we didn't do them - simple.

Pandemoniaa · 29/12/2011 00:28

Rather perversely, I'd quite like the option to say no.

Not that I'm unhappy but there are times when I wonder quite why, since I'm (allegedly) the woman he could not contemplate living apart from, it never occurs to him that marriage might be an avenue worth exploring.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2011 00:45

are you also trying to convince reluctant boyfriend to marry you?

cadelaide · 29/12/2011 00:52

I have never been proposed to by anyone, ever, and I'm 46 so I don't suppose I ever will.

Well, unless you count the emotional abuser who asked me; "Would you like to get married?" and after a few moments of my shocked (secretly pleased) silence said"...oh, I didn't mean to me, I'm not proposing, I just meant in a general sense".

There's a Jane Austen-esque corner of my psyche that feels rejected and wounded and spinsterish, but the sensible grown-up part of me knows it's all bollocks and actually if DP (much adored, 3 DCs, very happy together) did propose I'd say no.

Unless he wept on bended knee, then I might cave in.

cadelaide · 29/12/2011 00:59

But this isn't about me is it? Sorry OP Blush

Pandemoniaa · 29/12/2011 01:16

No, I'm definitely not trying to convince a reluctant partner to marry me, scottishmummy. If they needed convincing then, imho, the proposal wouldn't be worth having. In truth, I'm not very keen on marriage either, hence probably being just as likely to say no if put on the spot!

But I do wonder, sometimes, why some men spend so much time proclaiming their commitment yet can be so reluctant to discuss marriage even in a purely theoretical manner.

solidgoldbrass · 29/12/2011 01:25

I've been proposed to half a dozen times and I think I have proposed to four or five men. Luckily I have always managed to escape having to go through with it. I think what does my head in is this idea of wafting about waiting for a man to propose. If you want to marry him, ask him! If he says no, discuss it then decide whether you want to accept being unmarried as long as it's to him, or whether you want a man who will marry you.

scottishmummy · 29/12/2011 01:30

commitment doesnt=marriage
marriage doesn't= commitment
the fundamental flaw some of you exhibit is the belief marriage is the zenith,be all end of all relationships. as if it's some panacea to all malaise

mrstiredandconfused · 29/12/2011 02:10

But there is a big difference between "convincing" and laying your cards on the table. My dh told me he needed no convincing, he just wanted to do things at his pace ut there is a big difference between "convincing" and laying your cards on the table. My dh told me he needed no convincing, he just wanted to do things at his pace (whereas i was convinced that I was just a convenience). The point is that unless you're open you ain't gonna know, it might be that both parties actually want the same thing. Convincing someone isn't the way to go, however having said that both must take the other person's wishes into account, no? It's not fair to say that if he doesn't want to get married anod she does that they remain as they are without any thought of any compromise. Isn't that what love is? Looking after each other, cause no pain and compromise whenever you can? Because if it isn't I made the wrong vows.

Woah there is nothing wrong with having a good old cry, especially whwn drunk. I have made it into an art form! Grin

mrstiredandconfused · 29/12/2011 02:13

Which, judging by the mistakes in my past post, I currently am Blush

Original poster
woahthere · 29/12/2011 09:24

I wont be proposing, Ive asked enough times in hte past, im not doing it again. scottishmummy I dont think Im banging on. If we were having a conversation everything Ive said would have lasted 30seconds at best, I am replying to people and what they have said with thoughts about it.
I find it interesting that despite saying how I love him and we have 3 children, some people have the advice to leave him Confused. quite worrying really.
we are committed, and I have said I wouldnt leave him if we didnt get married, and I dont think it is the zenith...hence why we have been together 8 years. I dont think EVERYONE should get married or that there is a right or wrong way. I only want it in a girly emotional sort of way I suppose, but it wont kill me if it doesnt happen. (but i think it would make me a bit happy to have a 'moment'!)
cadelaide...that is horrible, so sorry...I've been with an emotional abuser too. I think when a thread is started on AIBU its allowed to be about anyone so offload as much as you like. x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 29/12/2011 09:31

Woahthere: SO basically this man, for whatever reason, is not going to marry you. He doesn't want to. So what you really have to do is let go of wanting it. It sounds as though you want to be with him, really, more than you want the married state, and that's fair enough. Though I would hope for your sake that he has actually discussed it with you and made his reasons clear, and isn't just using the idea of The Proposal as a carrot to keep you doing all the housework and not complaining.

emsyj · 29/12/2011 09:53

I think marriage does equal a very specific form of commitment scottishmummy. It is a legally binding contract that you have to jump through hoops to get out of. If a man doesn't want to marry you, of course it may mean that he objects to the fundamental institution, but more likely it's just that he wants the option to meet someone else and doesn't want the hassle of having to go through a legal process to split from you (and also have the finances interfered with by a judge).

I haven't seen any posts on this thread that say it's a universal panacea for all ills - that is entirely your own projection.

I wanted to be married before having children because I wanted to make sure I was with a man who was willing to entangle himself fully and make a legal commitment to me and our family. If others don't want that, then it's entirely up to them and nobody else's business. There are ways in which you can try to protect yourself, but they are more complicated and expensive than just getting married.

usualsuspect · 29/12/2011 11:13

I don't look at it in terms of a man wanting to marry a woman ,I've always looked on it as an equal both getting married to each other thing tbh

But I have no objection to marriage, its just not for me or my partner

OP if you can be happy as you are ,then forget about wanting the married status ,its not the be all and end all and it doesn't mean your partner is not committed to you

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 29/12/2011 11:38

solidgoldbrass - I'm relieved to hear noone's taken you up the aisle. Grin

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2011 11:40

And that she's never slipped her finger into a man's ring Grin

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 29/12/2011 11:46

Seeker "Marriage is not essential- it is perfectly simple to ensure the security of yourself and your children without it."

Actually in England and Wales, it isn't even possible, let alone 'perfectly simple'. Unless you both have zero pension, and zero assets.

BastedTurkey · 29/12/2011 13:06

To add to MrsJAlfredPrufrock's post - even with zero pension and assets, a bereaved unmarried partner cannot claim Widowed Parent's Allowance which at £100 a week could be a massive financial weight off someone's mind.

I know it is not all about money, but particularly for a low paid or sahp, bereavement can mean loosing a house / having to find a job at a time of immense stress.

maypole1 · 29/12/2011 13:34

emsyj to true when did having children became less of a commitment than getting married

In my view is soone is not willing to get married wether you actually do or not but is wiling to have children I always a little worried

My brother has 5 children and been with my virtual sil for 10 years although not married when we ask him when the wedding is he says he's not sure she's the one Shock
Good enough to have children with but not good enough to marry mmmm

In my view having a child with somone has been so downgraded in gravity that one would rather have 10 kids with a wbefore anther than deem her worthy to marry

I also often wonder if those who wax lyrical about spinster hood have actally been asked nt by some random but by somone they deeply loved

solidgoldbrass · 29/12/2011 13:40

Heh heh MrsJ and Worra: I've done a few up the bum with a strap on though. Now that's commitment Xmas Grin

(sorry for lowering tone of thread OP)

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2011 13:43
Xmas Grin
WhereYouLeftIt · 29/12/2011 13:52

From the sound of it you might best be served, as solidgoldbrass said, to "let go of wanting it." ("it" being to be proposed to and to get married.) But what you should not let go of is the sort of protection normally conferred by the marriage contract. You said that life insurance is in place, but not wills. New Year is coming and the tradition of resolutions - maybe you and your partner's could be to get ALL the paperwork sorted out. After all, it is for the protection of his child and stepchildren, he must be able to see the logic in that. The danger to their future is not just from the potential of you and he splitting, but also from e.g. an accident that kills or incapacitates one or both of you.

You said "I have pointed out the fact that I dont like that I have no rights if we split up...and this has happened to me before so I know it to be true.", so it cannot be seen as unreasonable or emotion-led to want to rectify this.

usualsuspect · 29/12/2011 15:12

maypole there is nothing wrong with spinsterhood as you put it

I'm not worried I've been left on the shelf Grin

maypole1 · 29/12/2011 15:34

I am I would hate to die alone with my cats eating me

Even if you have kids eventaly they move away more so if you have sons
Then they will have kids and become grandparents ECt

I glad for you I have no intention of spending my days on this earth alone I love a snuggle in the morning, having someone to row with over the colour of the front room

But well done you for not being worried about being left on the shelf

usualsuspect · 29/12/2011 15:37

I have lived with someone for 30 odd years I have 3 grown up children and 2 grandsons

Sometimes I would love to live alone with just my cat Grin

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