Xmas presents I am not happy and feeling like a child...

[sassyminder]

There was 2 couples and a single women at our home for Xmas, all from my usband family ( mother and father in law, brother in law with girlfriend and sister in law) and I made sure I bougtht them all of them gifts on behalf of me, my husband and dd.
For the lady's one hand made to order ( very pretty and one of a kind) handbag each, one expensive umbrella each and one L'occitane en provence set of 3 hand cream each. For the gentlemen I bouth 1 pringle of Scotland Polo Shirt, for FIL, Diesel Laptop Bag for BIL and Animal manbag for DH + L'occitane en Provence after shave for all of men.
Here is what I get:
2 primark pyjama bottoms from BIL and girlfriend (one is XXL and other is S, I am size 8 so only one is good)
1 hideous hat from SIL
1 bodycream from poundland from In Laws.

They really took the piss this year!
My husband and daughter got nice things obviously.
it is not all about presents, but it hurts see they give each other nice stuff and do this to me, I would rather them tell me what the fuck the problem is they have with me and give me absolutely nothing!!!
Next year I am going all the way to spend Xmas with my own family fuck them.
My DD is the only child in the family so they will be sad and alone.

And they won't have my hospitality ( yes I always host spending on food, drinks, eletricity and so on) even tough we work full time until the 23rd (hubby until 24th) and boxing day.

I don't blame my DH, he always waits for his bonus after new year to buy me nice presents, and this year I am getting an Iphone and Apple laptop.

Bitches.

Just ignore the criticism - the posters are being anti-foreigners like your inlaws.

Stop trying to win your inlaws over.They aren't worth the effort. Just be yourself ---- so if you are offended by the crap they give you say so. Leave it at their house, and don't do the cooking etc for them. Or cook xmas dinner at home for yourself and husband then go to inlaws for an hour in the afternoon.

They sound like lazy, thoughtless people. You can call the shots, don't be nasty about them (you won't win) but make the changes so you are not in a position to be so hurt by them next Xmas (or any time).

Honestly, it is within you power to change this for the better and to give DD, DH and yourself a happy Xmas, and that is what matters.

haha love how not agreeing with her makes people "anti foreigners" i can't speak for anyone else but I would feel exactly the same about the situation irrespective of where she was born!

So would I. My opinion of the OP would be exactly the same wherever she was born. JosieZ is effectively calling everyone who disagrees with the OP xenophobic and that's hugely offensive IMO.

Get a grip. The only reason I mentioned your English is because you kept using it as excuse for anything anyone pulled you up on. Like you are not fluent so therefore people are getting you boo hoo. Then you are bang on with the coloquisms.

As for being anti foreigner - I am nice to my kids than she is to hers and mine are half South American too so pfft to that old bollocks.

Why exactly are you having them over again at the New Year if they piss you off so much?

We are being taken for a ride here, I fear.

OP, I don't believe a word of this.

But just in case you really are for real ... let's set aside the whole labels thing, the present disparity, the bad behaviour of your in-laws and your questionable, shifting priorities about the true meaning of Christmas... By your own admission, you have behaved like a complete cowbag to your 4 year old daughter.

SHE IS FOUR.

She doesn't understand all the crappy family politics flying around. She doesn't deserve to become embroiled in all this nastiness. She is FOUR and can't understand why her mum was so appalling to her on the phone. It's just not appropriate to treat her like a badly-behaved adult who's pissed you off. Children need to be treated as children. If you're a parent, you ought to know this already. Grow up.

You have invited them back for New Year despite the fact you can't stand them but it is THEM who are 2 faced????

My MIL does this too. This year we said we couldn't do xmas presents because we really are down to the wire broke, every month could be the last month in our house kind of thing. She got a present for my husband and daughter and nothing for me. I can't complain though because we did say not to get us anything and we didn't get her anything. sorry, slightly different to the OP in that she gave good presents and her in laws have money. but the different treatment is the same.

when she does give presents though I moan because it is never anything I want so maybe this is better anyway.

Was it the Loose Women hand cream that's on sale in poundland- two for a pound? That stuff smells dreadful. I put some on when browsing for unnamed brand toilet cleaners and it lingered for days.

Hmm yes, they did buy you crap presents. But I think it's obvious why, as you seem like an odious creature. In fact, they were being generous getting you anything at all, if I was them, you'd get a dogturd wrapped in tinfoil and the middle finger. Seasons greetings love.

I have already taken on board all the criticism and agreed with all the name calling and realised I should work very hard on my personality. Too late now love. Notjing you say will be original anymore.

They invited us for New Year at theirs, but I prefer at ours. We can see an amazing display of fireworks from my lounge window. Next day we can take DD to a funfair in a beautiful park on my doorstep. At theirs we don't have firework display or anything to do near. They drive and we don't. They live two hours away changing train 3 times and get a bus and a taxi or a lift to theirs. They are DD and DH family I can put up with them anytime no problem. Specially now that they are behaving at my house, not getting drunk and treating it like a pigstil.

I never said they were racist towards me. I mentioned my English because I said as a foreigner it is difficult most of the time to express emotions and even ideas when speaking in a foreigner language. Not only to In laws but to anyone else who does not speak my own language.

I haven't criticise English people either. I was wrong to do a big generalization saying that English people like small talk. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I didn't say small talk is a bad thing. I am not good at small talk in my own language let alone another language. That is all.

Again. I should be more concerned about my act and gestures than other people's. And this is my aim for 2012.

I think families and Christmas are hard work. I think there have been a few misunderstandings and cultural differences that have led to this. I know they have hurt you but over the next few years it will get better as you all figure out what to get each other.

Don't take it to heart as it might get better when you all know each other better. You have known his family for five years? Well I have known my in laws for six and I still don't know them very well. I have learnt a lot since my son was born about how they do things. It is hard. Different families do things differently and it is hard to understand why.

Best of luck.

Let's hope you intend to be a bit more empathic to your 4 year old then.

Why not see them on New Years Day then. Meet them somewhere or go to theirs? You don't have to host people who disrespect your house.

They invite themselves all the time, apparently they love to sleep over. I hate it. Nothing worse than being away from my own bed and bedroom.
Specially in the winter. Plus I am not keen to spend most of my day off getting on and of trains and buses to do what???? Go to theirs and sit in front of the TV. No thanks. Here my DD got her toys and we can go out.

I think you should let your husband sort out his half of the family's gifts so you then won't feel resentful at you buying them better stuff than they buy you. If someone regularly spent alot more or less on me than I them I would change my budget to suit.
Not sure why you are seeing them at new year as well as Christmas as you don't like them much.
I agree that Christmas is just as much fun without small kids, sometimes more so as you aren't getting up at the crack of dawn, can leave your drinks on tables without worrying they will get knocked over and older kids have more interesting presents to play with. Toddlers are over rated at christmas time.
(DOI mother of teenagers)

I do see where you are coming from. Although not read whole thread. My mum would always treat bil/sil exactly the same as her own children. My mil/bil buy token gifts for inlaws and spend more on blood relatives and dc.
I deal with it by not getting involved. He buys for his side and I buy for my side.
As others have said that colud be a solution for yuo op.

Sassy, why on earth do you have to give up your bed? I wouldn't.

My goodness, what an odd thread. OP, you stated that in the past you had "got it wrong" in terms of presents, which presumably means that you gave your in-laws inexpensive token gifts. If that is the case, how on earth were your in-laws to know that you had "got it right" this year (i.e., spent a lot of money and purchased designer brands)? They aren't mind readers, after all. Perhaps they were simply trying to accommodate your own gift-giving habits?

I find it a bit odd that adults would care to this extent about Xmas gifts. One of my favorite relatives gave me three pairs of socks for Xmas this year. They are lovely, warm and pretty. I certainly don't think less of my dear relative for giving me this gift. I am touched by her thoughtfulness.

And as for the truly unkind way you have treated your DD (and the words you have used to describe her), that is genuinely disturbing. She is not to blame for any of your in-laws' habits or quirks.

I think you are a totally mad to spend so much on them given their previous behaviour, but I agree a real snub - tbh you had no need to buy them presents, but as the host they should have bought you something thoughtful.

I wasn't particularly happy with what my PIL bought (2 books I already had - both had been in bestseller lists for 5 years+) but then I don't care and didn't feel it was a snub I didn't spend much on them and they just bought DH one book as well (although they bought the DC nice presents).

Unless they are very hard up in these circumstances I'd ask my dh to say that you are feeling really hurt, esp given the hospitality, and due to this you'll be spending christmas with your family in future.

I have already taken on board all the criticism and agreed with all the name calling and realised I should work very hard on my personality. Too late now love. Notjing you say will be original anymore.

I think it's too late for you to ever redeem yourself.

I mean giving up my bed if I go to theirs.
I got wrong in the past not by giving them very cheap gifts, I paid average I guess but got the gifts wrong for nothing knowing properly what they like or dislike or going last minute shopping. This year I started to think about gifts earlier, asked some questions round, ( regarding favourite colours , interests etc) and even though the presents seems to be similar they are diferent in a way to match their likes. I am pleased I could afford to do it this Xmas.

Where did you get the handbags made? (Just out of interest.)

sassy - your in laws are not mind readers.

if you have given them less expensive or cheap gifts in the past then why on earth should they spend spend spend on you?

just because this one year, you decided to get generous with your gifts does not entitle you to expensive ones in return.

why do you just not get that?
why do you say youre christian and then abuse your little girl for wanting to speak to her father?

i think you are a very lucky lady and you are not realising it. My in laws have never bought me anything, i just dont buy for them now, in 20 years i have not had one night without my children because in my family, the only people who do anything for us is us - There are people on MN who have lost their children, who have had babies die, who have had all sorts of real problems, and then you wonder why you get a hard time with such a silly, petty problem at this?
you need to get your priorities right.
just stop buying for them, or do as you say and let your DH buy for them, but coming on here and throwing a stroppy little hissy fit like this is showing you in a very bad light, love.

I don't really know why I'm bothering, but previously you wrote the following: "Last Xmas I didn't spend a lot on presents even tough I was give a little something from each one of us. It was thoughtful but not expensive at all but I never went poundland route unless for my Xmas decoration on my own house. This year I had money saved and I wanted to make up for previous yersa and be generous because previous years I could see and feel m little gifts were underapreciatetd and inferior to whatever they gave me so I wanted them to be happy this year."

So it certainly sounds as though in previous years you spent considerably less on your in-laws' presents than they did on yours. And I ask again: how on earth were they to know that this year everything would be different and you would choose to spend a large amount on gifts? Perhaps they were simply trying to follow your gift-giving patterns and to honor your stated belief that gifts are unimportant. (Although this thread rather proves that you think gifts are extremely important after all.)

Honestly, you sound rather like a person who is difficult to please. I wouldn't have a clue how to approach gift giving if you were in my family. You know the saying about it being the thought that counts? As far as I know, there is no corollary that includes the words "unless the gift in question comes from the 'wrong' shop or happens to be the 'wrong' brand."

You need to find ways to stop them upsetting you so much.

Either by getting DH to do shopping or interactions with them, seeing them less or having coping strategies in place.

If they are playing games try reading this:

www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033

Once your calmer it easier to deal with each situation as it arises.

I would have been upset by the phone call but have learnt through bitter experience how to cope with such situations.

To DD - I would have said oh that not nice - I've been so wanting to talk to you and possibly add now I'm upset - letting DC know that way of talking to me has left me unhappy and gives DC opportunity to change mind about talking to me.

To MIL - Well of course it me you've rung its my phone - anyway what with DD and you suddenly having no manners making it clear your not happy making her pause and think about how they've talked to you and giving them chance to explain or apologise or if it was meant to be insulting letting her know it won't pass with you.

I would have handed phone to DH with Its your mother on my phone wanting you - is she trying to cause yet more problems in a voice hopefully MIL could hear and if not DH knows your unhappy.

Having a go at your DD, refusing to hand phone over to your DH makes you look petty and the unreasonable one.

I found it said I had to start thinking like this and managing my ILs but it stopped me being the one upset all the time, made them behave better and everything is now O.K between us.