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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my 15 year old son to revise for his GCSE exam in January?

148 replies

kaylathecat · 26/12/2011 12:57

My very nice (but not very academic) son has a GCSE exam in mid January. It counts for about 30% of his final grade with a further exam in the summer. I really want him to do well so that it will boost his confidence for future exams. He wants to do well and tells me he wants to get a B. However he is very reluctant to revise. Before Christmas he was doing about 5 minutes a day on his own (after much prompting) with BBC Bitesize (great site) and then I would test him for about 10 minutes (or as long as he would tolerate me) and he seemed to quite enjoy demonstrating his knowledge. If I suggest he studies for longer, or more often, he just refuses and no amount of cajoling or moaning or anything else seems to get him to study. However he's not going to do great on just this short amount of time. I'd rather not just leave him to fail (as school suggests he will without some serious revising) so does anyone have any ideas? We're due to start revision again tomorrow.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 27/12/2011 16:12

I kind of think you have to put them in the driving seat.I have never ever nagged my DC to do their homework, or supervised them doing it (obviously I have helped if they have come to me saying they are stuck on something).I f they don't do it they take the consequences!! I made it clear from the outset, it is THEIR job, THEIR responsibility, not mine.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:15

I wish I could have more of that approach, spider. My dd would definitely appreciate it, I am sure. TOWIE and Rihanna's viewing figures would certainly take a massive hike.

We did take that approach in year 10. The problem was, absolutely no driving was done at all and her predicted grades slipped from A/B's to C/D's where they still remain

mumblechum1 · 27/12/2011 16:19

AF, I know you don't want to hear this but you have really got to stop micro-managing your dd's revision or lack of, because that tactic simply isn't working.

You need either to let her fail, or take a different tack altogether.

If she's anything like my ds, the more you nag, the less they comply.

If I knew what the different tack was I would charge you a fee tell you but I don;t. It sounds like there is waaay too much stress around exams and revision, though.

I have to bite my tongue to stop shouting at my ds to do some goddam work, but not nagging works with us, he will do it in his own sweet time and will get A/B.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:21

WE have had the "where responsibilty lies" chat today. For the 100th time.

Mine and her dad's responsibilities ;
provide the space, time and resources to allow effective studying
be around for problems/questions
liase with school as required
support her social life and time out of studying, as well as the studying
(all done, and more besides)

Her responsibilities ;
Try as hard as she can
Ask questions and flag up any difficulties

Her actions so far ? Fuck all, unless forced. Act in a completely unreasonable way, when challenged and spoil family life. Push me so far, I have felt on many occasions like giving up and letting her fail...which is what she wants.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:24

mumble, I know what you are saying and you are not raising anything I haven't considered myself

she won't get the grades she needs for college though, if she isn't pushed

it would be a massive relief to let it all go, believe me

(but I won't)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:25

my dd's version of "own sweet time" never arrives

maryz · 27/12/2011 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 16:41

mary, that is helpful, thanks (and not just the )

I know what I am most comfortable with

stepping back works for some, and I can see why it should work, but it's not an option for me. I think she will thank me for it one day, and if she doesn't that's ok too.

TheSecondComing · 27/12/2011 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 27/12/2011 17:16

I know < slump >

Dolcelatte · 27/12/2011 18:08

DD1 got As and Bs in GCSEs at her private school with zero effort, should have done much better. Hated school, I was always being called in, she left to do 6th form at local state school - she didn't bother so they didn't, did spectacularly badly in AS levels. Huge rows, kept saying you are not doing it for me, you are doing it for you. Enormous wake up call for her. Has retaken papers, did much better last time, now taking a gap year and enthusiastic about going to uni next year. But she had to make her own mistakes - unfortunately, it is the most difficult thing in the world to watch your child make mistakes, but the lesson has been learned, she has grown up and now lectures her younger sister on keeping up with her revision. You can do all you can to encourage, cajole, threaten, bribe etc but at the end of the day they need to do it for themselves.

spiderpig8 · 27/12/2011 18:19

The thing is though, what can you actually do? If you send her to her room and don't let her out until she has revised for an hour.She can just spend the time doodling and daydreaming.
It's not like forcing them to make their bed or wash up.Learning is something it's very very hard to force on an unwilling participant .
I think your DD has to make her own mistakes.

sincitylover · 27/12/2011 18:30

I suggested that my ds1 think about revision for his biology gcse in jan and was met with a mouthful of abuse. I will buy him a revision book and continue to nag but tbh he knows what he has to do. The mark will count as its a controlled assessment.

I have probably been too hands off with him in the past - as my parents were but in their case it was ignorance of the education system and although valuing education in the macro sense having no idea how to achieve in the micro sense - I can't claim that for myself as I know what needs to be done and am educated.

He is predicted A but is currently languishing in the d and c area with the exception of one subject where he has a .

The school bend over backwards for him and he has a learning mentor - I am very supportive and value education but am at a loss to know how to make him work.

He is opinionated and arrogant which in later life may be good qualities but in a teenager are not so good imo.

My ds 2 is a different kettle of fish altogether - in the top set for everything at primary school (yr 6) but alot more compliant and keen to do well. Has also been focused since a very early age. I don't anticipate the same problems with him at secondary school.

I feel lacking as a parent with ds1 but am at a loss to know what to do without WW3 breaking out.

Alouisee · 27/12/2011 18:39

I wonder what happens at boarding school? Are they left to their own devices or structured more heavily. Ponders

PigletJohn · 27/12/2011 18:51

the younger ones may be expected to do their prep homework in classrooms sitting quietly for a couple of hours in the evening.

maryz · 27/12/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 27/12/2011 19:13

am I crazy to think that maybe work ethic is more than 70% innate, that you can't teach it, the potential for work ethic is mostly hard-wired?

I wouldn't fault myself if DC just weren't very bright, I would do everything to encourage love of learning & appreciation, but really, if they were dim, they'd be dim, not something to tear my hair out about. So why do we delude ourselves into thinking we can "make" a child have a work ethic, too, and that we're at fault if it isn't there? I can't shake off the feeling that it's something you support & nurture, but not something you can make.

Original poster

kaylathecat · 27/12/2011 21:45

Many thanks to all of you who've responded to my thread. You've made me question if my approach - ie (trying to) supervise my DS's revision, is the right thing to do. I've concluded that in his case it probably is, but acknowledge its probably not right for many. My older DS and DD certainly wouldn't have responded well to it, but they didn't actually need it - they just got on with their studies and I provided food and a bit of encouragement - easy.

I've taken on board some of your suggestions such as encouraging my 15 year old DS to focus on a course/career he'd like to do in the future and (hopefully) realise he needs to do some work if he's to get the necessary grades. And thanks to those of you who supported my tactics; I gained some much needed comfort from them. And to those of you who didn't, I completely understand - if I only had the experience of my two older 'easy' DS and DD I probably wouldn't have either. But as someone commented, you just have to do what you can live with later.

Best of luck to all of you who are going through this too, and also to you who have yet to experience the delights of GCSE revison. I hope yours turn out to be the easy ones.

OP posts:

quirrelquarrel · 28/12/2011 07:56

The thing is, lljkk, it varies so widely across different cultures, so I doubt that it would be wise to see it like that. Tons of bright people have been ruined because they coasted. Loads of not so bright people have done much better than their bright counterparts because someone pushed them.

TheSecondComing · 28/12/2011 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 10:08

Ok why not print off a practice paper send her away with it and tell her you'll give her so much per mark she gets? then go throgh the mark scheme with her marking it together.
I always think doing practice papers (allowing books/notes to begin with) is the best way of revising then you are focusing on the stuff that actually comes up a lot in exams and it flags up where you have weaknesses.Plus if it is a science module, then xact wording of the answers is very important ime

Yellowstone · 28/12/2011 10:24

quirrel, 'ruined' 'done better'? Some cultures also have a very narrow definition of success. If I had to stand over a DC every step of the way to inch them through their GCSEs, ASs and A2s in order to pursue a life they hated as an engineer (or whatever), I wouldn't rate that outcome as a success.

My opinion that persistent nagging is counter-productive and wearing for all concerned is informed by the experience of two very reluctant DSs as well as four 'easier' DC. They'll get there in the end, nagging and insistence on revision may actually slow the process down.

quirrelquarrel · 28/12/2011 12:40

No, but if they have specific goals and they're challenged from when they're very young, what would seem like pressure to others isn't anything unbearable for them. So that ups the productivity.

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