Another ruined Christmas here - SD and DH hate me and if truth be told, the feelings are mutual

[NowIveDoneIt]

Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"

Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.

I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.

So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".

Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".

I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.

DSD is 12 btw.

I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.

Merry fucking christmas.

Even if this latest incident blows over and you resolve your differences could you insist that the dog lives in a kennel outside? Lots of dogs don't live n the house, especially big ones. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you to be living in at the moment. Your DSD is just at the age now where she is likely to become more and more challenging as she enters the teenage years unless reigned in by her father.

nowIvedont it Ive read the whole thread but apologies if Ive missed it but have you said why SD lives with you and not her Mum?

Taking the dog out of the equation (just a symptom not the problem...although if he seriously swans off for Christmas to his parents I would take the dog and give it him there!) the relationship sounds as if it has totally broken down - where is the love, respect and communication? If it can be saved then counselling is an option. Of course he should put his childs needs as a priority - but not at the expense of totally ignoring yours.

OP I know this is miserable timing but - and I'm sure I recognise you and your history - it has been a miserable existence for you in this relationship with so many lows and very little warmth and love from your 'D'H.

He has shown that he has no feelings left for you now, - and I'm sorry if that is painful for you - but please grasp this opportunity to improve your life with both hands, don't spend another christmas like this, - not another single day.

Thinking of you - will be watching for your return and offer support and hand holding.

Good luck.

I'm another one who made a conscious decision at age 7 to split my mum and her boyfriend up. I was awful to him! And I was the reason he left my mum in the end. My mum expressly told me he had left as he couldn't cope with my behaviour. In fact, he only reason my mum ever married my stepdad was because I decided I liked him and behaved well!

I tried splitting my dad up from my stepmum as well but they disciplined me. My father made it clear that my stepmother was an adult and deserved my respect.

To the OP - I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. If I were in your position I would make plans to go to my family and leave before my H and SD. That way they will have to take the dog with them or leave it in an empty house.

What have you bought them for Xmas? Don't ditch the presents, or allow them to take them. Put them away safely then if you do decide to salvage the relationship you can have a family Xmas day at a later date.

25th December is just a date, don't get hung up on having to be merry and celebrate Xmas just yet if you don't want to. Wait until you are in a better place and then have an Xmas.

Best wishes to you and sending many hugs.

Dog and daughter may be the most pure hearted of innocents but now fall into the box called "not the OP's problem".

Oh OP- my heart is breaking for you . Your 'd'H is not doing what is best for his child- he is doing what is easiest. She has now learnt that if she whines and manipulates enough, she will get her own way and that being spiteful and silly gets results. He is doing the absolute worse thing by giving into her.

But let them get on with it. He'll have to pick up the pieces of a unhappy out of control dog- and a child given far too much power.
Now is time to spoil YOURSELF.

"if he leaves without it, it won't be here when he comes home. Never thought of that, did he."

SO he is soooooo outraged at the empty threat to have the dog put down and took it sooooo seriously that he was going to leave the dog in the charge of the person that made that threat, was he?

Moron.

I hope you had some semblance of rest/sleep last night OP.

If there's any way that you can stop him coming back when he goes for Christmas, take it.

As a matter of interest, where is your SD's mother in all this? Because her father's a shit, and she might be better off with her mum.

Slavetofilofax said
^Why do people seem to find it so hard to believe that a 12yo might not be all that innocent?

I was six when I decided to go out of my way to make my step dad's life a misery. It was a conscious descision that I can clearly remember making. I didn't like him and I didn't want him in my home, so I would stop myself from sleeping to make my Mum spend her evenings with me instead of him. He would tell me off for perfectly normal things, and I turned on the tears and eventually he couldn't say anything about me or to me because my Mum believed that she had to defend me from him. I was six!! ^

Absolutely, my brother married lady with older DCs both away at the time of courtship.
Both decided to live at home. Basically ganged up on brother.
The parent will always take their child's side in the end.

So ended in divorce. The DW was a lovely lady- but her children were spoilt and used to having her full attention.

Oh OP what a horrible situation to be in.
My mum had a boyfriend with a daughter like your dsd. She had her dad wrapped around her little finger. They had always been a 'team' against her mum when her parents were together and then my mum. There were no boundaries, she could do no wrong in his eyes. It didn't end well.
Wishing you all the best for whatever you decide to do next. Life is too short to live it with these twats. Unfortunately your dsd probably learnt from her dysfunctional dad that behaviour like this works and gets her his full attention. She is competing with you for him and with him behaving like a dick and not setting boundaries everyone will be miserable. Good luck OP

So sorry for what has happened. This man is going to end up very lonely when his daughter grows up and moves out and he has put her over everything else.

OP please get some legal advise asap.

If you are married then he may have some claim on the house even if it is in your name. As he is the one with a child (even if that child is not yours) I have no idea what the courts would say to keeping a child housed! Make sure that you and your assets are protected!

What a horrible way to be treated by your family in your home. The dog and the dsd were a wind up, but your dh was mean mean mean. How about a hello and would you like a drink? Here let's put the dog out so you can have some rest? sort of carry on, the way people do when they care about each other.

As for what you said, yes it was as you say, probably better not said, but heck we all do that at times.

What do you want to happen? Are they always like this?

I think you deserve more than spilt chicken korma in your bedroom on your own.

I get the feeling this wasn't the first meal you had to eat alone in your room, I really hope it's the last.

The kid is 12, brought up by THAT, she may well be a "little shit" but she is her father's responsibility and as most others have said its "D"H that's the problem. She has grown up having such behaviour regularly validated by her father, and while she might have an idea it is naughty, it wont matter to her. Why would it? Some kids needs their moral compass shaped more strongly than others, esp if there father is an empathy-free selfish twat.
The dog is just another symptom of father's spineless twattery btw.

"their" not "there"!

I agree with those who've said the dog is irrelevant, it could be any issue at all they were using to make your life hellish. I think the SD isn't the problem either - I've seen threads about bioDCs having a 'team' with daddy and having no respect for the mother.

Even if the dog was sent away, even if SD lived with mum, heck even if both had never entered the equation or ever existed at all, you would still be left with a twat of a husband who has no respect for you. People like that just don't change.

Doneit, how are you?

My dd is 12. She would not behave like that, but if she did she would know exactly what she was doing. It would have to be deliberate, otherwise dd would be full of apologies, and would work hard to help clean up. She would expect to be grounded or have her pocket money docked or something if she were so disrespectful.

I am just telling you this so you know how far from normal your dh and dsd are behaving.

May I suggest you curl up with champagne, chocolate and a few films like Saving Grace (funny), the Boy in the Striped Pyjamas (sad - good excuse for a cry), Syriana (political thriller) or Galaxy Quest (sic fi but silly!). Have a calm Christmas and get your head together, so that if you let them or him come back you have firm rules or they don't cross the threshold.

Be strong, we are here to listen whatever you decide to do.

OP. my heart goes out to you. This is not the way to spend Christmas Eve is it?

Please, please take him up on his offer of divorce. Get the locks changed on the 26th. If they end up leaving the dog with you take it to a kennel and use your H's card number or whatever to leave him there.

Your SD has run rings around her stupid father. They don't deserve you. And do not ever apologise to people like that.

I hate dogs so I am not likely to give an objective answer here.
If you're being left with the dog (I just read the first and last page) take it to kennels, email your husband to say it is there at £XXX a day and that he will have to pay that and/or make arrangements to take it from the kennels and look after it.

Seondly the girl is 12 and none of this is her fault. If you want the husband and daughters then you need with them to work on making things workable.

Thirdly think of the legal side. How long have you been married? WHich of you earns the most? Are there children from this marriage?
Don't leave as possession is often 9/10th of the law.

Seondly the girl is 12 and none of this is her fault. If you want the husband and daughters then you need with them to work on making things workable.
Disagree.
OP's step daughter has goaded OP and has played a big part in this. A 12 year old is perfectly capable of being manipulative and destructive.
Her behaviour is only just forgivable given her age, not knowing how to deal with her emotions is common at her age.
Her father is enabling her to express negative emotions in a destructive way. That is unforgivable.

When does the nasty 12 year old become at fault then- the minute she turns 18? She was being malicious, manipulative and deliberately provocative- children can very well be that to a level of sophistication you don't expect, that's why you're taken in easily. They might not have a strict moral code yet, they might not realise how vile they're being and so you can't hate them for it like you would an adult because then it becomes more about them being self-indulgent, but it doesn't excuse them from sharing in the blame because those sorts of qualities cause the trouble.

Agree with KittyFane and quirrelquarrel. The child knows just what she's doing. She won't have thought of the wider implications, nor the long term consequences, but unless she's a complete idiot she knows her behaviour is way out of order. Does she behave like that at school? Unlikely.

Her dad bears the greater responsibility as he has no excuses at all. The OP has probably tried time after time to talk to her dh about his dd's behaviour, but I suspect he's refused to hear; rather like when OP has tried to talk about the bloody dog.

OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please keep posting. If this pair continue to live with you, we can give you support. If they don't, we can give you support.