Another ruined Christmas here - SD and DH hate me and if truth be told, the feelings are mutual

[NowIveDoneIt]

Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"

Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.

I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.

So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".

Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".

I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.

DSD is 12 btw.

I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.

Merry fucking christmas.

Oh I'm sorry, how awful that they both completely disregard your feelings about things in your own house. This is going to sound horrid but she came to live with you. Therefore, your house, your rules.

If things calm down and you want to stay with this man then in future, if she won't agree to training, the dog gets put in a crate. Not fair on the dog but maybe it'll help her see sense. OTOH, if the bloody dog is trained isn't up to her. If she wants it to live in your house, it becomes a trained, civilised member of the household. End of.

Oh, and I'm quite impressed you didn't bitch slap either of them, the temptation might have been too much for me

12 is old enough to look after the dog. Your DSD could certainly have done that and not encouraged it to run in your bedroom - if she'd wanted to, that is. It does sound a lot like the 'Daddy and Me club' as AnnPan88 said. Definitely some 'ganging up' and that's not nice.

Your DH is always going to stand up for his daughter - as he should - but his daughter should have been taught basic manner and not behaved this way.

I think I'd go away for a few days - or suggest DH and DSD do so - and use that time to think about what you want.

Make sure they take the dog with them!

Oh, I'd have made exactly the same remark. In fact, I'd have probably killed the dog. Closely followed by the DH and the DSD.

They seem to rate the dog more highly than you, don't they?

We are well known in our family for a collection of waifs and strays (for want of a better word).

Log fire - tick.
GnT to start - tick.
Beautiful curly haired children - tick.

Sound appealing?

Sounds like a 'dog or me' scenario here, and as a dog owner/lover you are totally not unreasonable. At all. I know your DH has to stick up for his dd, but he also has to stand Gu you. A difficult balance I'm sure, but it sounds like he is barely trying.

DH works 8 hours a day. After those 8 hours he comes home exhausted and ready to drop.

I love my job, I really do but after 13 hours of it I just want to relax when I get home. If it was a little office job, sat at a computer with a cup of coffee by my side maybe I wouldn't be so tense when I get home but christ - I'm lucky if I see a glass of water before I come home.

Firstly, this 'Daddy and I club' that someone else has mentioned needs to stop.
Secondly, for its own sake the dog needs to be trained. How old is it ? Sadly, I've known a few dogs who have had to be put down because owners were unable to make them behave properly.
Your DH and DSD seem to have an odd sense of priorities.
Don't be humble I don't think YABU at all.

Bloody hell

I mean you really should not have said most of what you said but I do understand why you did. I think long term it sounds like DH and DSD are massively in the wrong in how they are behaving but short term you have really put yourself on the backfoot in acting the way you did. It's all going to depend on whether or not you and DH can talk properly once all is calm and if you have faith in him meaning what he says (if anything reasonable).

my DH would never ever let our family get into a situation where an adult could not eat a meal in peace, undisturbed by children or a dog, after a really long day. regardless of whether she is a step child, your DH has a duty to you as his wife, and an untrained dog is not a cheap trick to be used for the amusement of some of the family at the expense of another member of the family

your DSD sounds as out of control as the dog, buoyed up by the encouragement and laughter and not taking it seriously of your DH.

it's not the dogs fault it is wild ,it is badly brought up due to irresponsible owners

in your shoes, if your DH cannot see how he is wrecking things, then divorce would certainly be crossing my mind. or at least some sort of marriage counselling, or something to make him see how his treatment of you and tacit and not so tacit approval of DSD is making things so bad

is he worried if he disciplines DSD that she'll not come and see him?

sorry, i see dsd lives with you, is there a reason the mum did not want to keep the dog??

i think you need to apologise re the PTS comment BUT i can totally see how you were pushed to it. esp when it seems she let the dog into your room, knowing full well there was a big chance the dog would jump on the bed , you don't accidentltally open the a door .

I think the Op was right to say what she did, for goodness sake the dog was so uncontrolable it hurt her, and she had to hide in he room in order to eat. I also think that if anyone leaves it should be DH and brat and dog, let them spend christmas in a holiday inn. If you do have christmas with them, then let them cook and rush around.

How long have you been with your husband. Basically this is down to him. You need to talk to him and tell him that if this hostility from him (and from his daughter with his encouragment) continues there won't be a relationship.

Whatever happens, you need to train the dog yourself. If it's not taking commands from your stepdaughter then you can teach it to respect you and take commands from you.

I'm totally in your corner with this (and I imagine you do feel as if you are in a corner).

Sounds like your DSD and dog are ruling your household. If she came to stay with you then DH and you should set some ground rules. It's never too late to implement guidelines.

DSD knows her dad has her back so she's going to keep on pushing buttons (she sounds like a prize brat btw, 12 yo or not). Oh and your DH as well.

Time for a serious chat and an ultimatum. Try to enjoy your christmas, don't let the dog spoil it.

Well I'm a huge dog lover but by the sounds of it you'd be far better off without any of them. In fact if I had to pick who to live with out of the three of them it would be the dog.

So has the dog been fine for a year? What has changed in that time?

My concern is that you're muddling all the issues. If the dog's a problem, try and bond with the dog - take it out for walks, give it treats etc. Remember DSD's 12, a very difficult age and needs boundaries and guidance. Having strict boundaries at first, that have since been lifted may mean she's confused and possibly a bit scared. Kids like boundaries. But you may also need to bond with her as well.

The way he has spoken to you is completely out of order though. That's another thing that DSD doesn't need. When one person is abusive to another in the family, the people that witness it feel that it might happen to them too. It's possible that she's simply trying to avoid his potential abuse/anger by siding with him. And the dog's doing the same.

I'm not sure how I would get round this one, other than try and regain some status in the family. I'm very doubtful about DP though, he has seriously betrayed you by undermining you like this. He brought up the divorce, perhaps you should have that conversation again.

how awful
where have they gone?

I am always on the side of the step child, prob because i was one. for the first time i think im 100% behind you OP.

You can apologise for your behaviour AFTER they have apologised for theirs.

I'm not bloody suprised you snapped

I don't understand how this is still unresolved from last night. Did you and your husband not share a bedroom last night? Have you locked yourself in the room and not come out? The situation sounds crap but I am v v much of the 'don't go to bed on an argument' camp and think that the longer things are left to fester, the worse they will be. Have they both gone out and taken the dog with them? No note?

SD thinks more of her dad & the dog than the OP.
DH thinks more of SD & the dog than the OP.
And I reckon the dog thinks more of DH & SD than the OP.

Did this happen yesterday? What's happened since? Where are they now? Where are you now?

I'd have them all put down.

What a pack of barstards.

Why didn't anyone make you a cup of tea and some dinner?

I would be seriously considering my options. Is there anywhere you could go to spend Christmas away from them and let them fend for themselves? I would also take any gifts for them that i had purchased.

oh man I feel for you - but also assure you - it's not just a DH/DSD club, my DD has just turned 13 and is constantly trying to make a ME/DD club against DH AND vice versa. Little beasts they are at this age

I would fuck off for a stress free Christmas and leave them to it. And if their attitude towards you haven't changed when you come back then its time to make the big decision.

Are there and relatives/friends you can go to?

Tough one.

You shouldn't have said it but I can see why you did. Also, in a normal family set up, you would have all apologised to one another and that would have been the end of it.

Firstly, do you care and do you want to stay together within this family unit? If not, then the answer is easy.

If so, you need some basic rules that everyone sticks to. You and your partner agree to co-parent properly and back one another up in front of your step daughter. The dog needs to be at least semi trained, too. And, finally, it would be good were you able to eat a proper meal as a family. Ideally, if you are getting in at 8, your partner could have something ready for you all to eat together. And the dog is banned from begging at table. Get it a box and that is where it has to stay until you finish eating and allow it out.