Another ruined Christmas here - SD and DH hate me and if truth be told, the feelings are mutual

[NowIveDoneIt]

Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"

Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.

I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.

So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".

Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".

I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.

DSD is 12 btw.

I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.

Merry fucking christmas.

Why is everyone so wound up about the damn dog?! It's not the dog! This has obviously been a troubled relationship for a while. Put the dog in a kennel if it can't go to parents' (though personally would want to make sure that happened to have carnage ensue there as well!). Though, to be honest it would probably be better off being rehomed to people that care enough about it and others to train it and make it behave. I am ignoring the posters that advocate killing it as not being worth responding to.

The Poor Child may be the most misunderstood dahling on the planet, but as of now she is not the OP's problem.

Sorted.

I have no difficulty whatsoever in accepting that a 12 year old can behave like a total shit.

But to say she is as much to blame as her father is absolute complete fucking tosh.

SHE IS 12. Who brought her up? Who taught her how to behave?

Banging my head against this wall is now utterly tedious. I am just glad beyond words that I am not a child in the household of 90% of the people posting here.

Dog isn't the problem, kid isn't the problem. Both symptoms.

The DH is the problem. Honestly? He has said he wants a divorce and is going to his parents for Christmas. That is pretty clear.

When you say it is your house, how do you mean?

It is your house and you don't have kids together, tell him not to bother coming back. He can take his dog with him as well. Tell him straight up, if he leaves the dog you will be taking it to the pound, it is then his lookout if that happens.

It all sounds like a huge problem, but here is the thing, it doesn't have to be your problem. Call a lawyer ASAP.

I missed the part where the OP said it was her house? If this is the case-presumably he's out on his ear??

OP-can you confirm who owns the house?

Have your checked whether the vet insurance for the dog includes 3rd party legal liability cover? As one of the to adults in the house if that dog sends a pushchair flying in the street,runs out in front of a car, or nicks a toddlers ice cream in the park the consequences for you & DH could be pretty serious legally and financially.

Likewise if a doctor or SW or meter reader or any "official stranger" got the same friendly but physically painful greeting you did on visiting your home, you could find ss and all sorts crawling all over you.

I get that you get the concept of responsible dog ownership but your DH is too immature to have got his head round the concept that actually an untrained large dog is a major liability that could land him in VERY hot water with officialdom at some point. Sadly it only takes one incident of the wrong sort with an out of control dog to turn his life upside down, the dog to be put down.

I say this as a dog owner myself - if this has been an ongoing attitude from DH re the dog's training & you can't see it changing then the dog itself is likely to lead a much happier life if it is rehomed by one of the no-kill animal charities.

I don't blame DSD for any of this - ultimately all kids need boundaries and to be taught decency. As her parent DH is failing miserably at this too, even though he thinks he is supportng her. Does she taunt and bully those who don't play along with her at school too? The child should never have the control of a home, that's what adults are there for, as kids don't know enough to handle the responsibility. With all the normal turmoil of puberty and adolescense this child needs firm, consistent kindly guidance to get her to adulthood as an emotionally balanced, socially adept individual. The current situation isn't fulfillng this basic need.

Did his ex leave DH due to his immaturity? Can he change if the two of you can get some mental and physical space away from the "situation" to discuss things rationally? Is he the type to do summat like family therapy or a parenting class voluntarily?

Harsh though I might have sounded about the dog, I'm not one to automatically scream "leave him", as all relationships have their highs and lows. Only you can tell if this is rock bottom and that the only way is up for you as a family or if this is a sign it's time to bail. If they do go to his parents for Xmas DSD's dog deffo goes with them - if only so DH is forced to see what a social pariah an out of control large dog can make you ; )

I'd get rid of the lot of them. Sharpish.

Make sure they take the dog with them, let's see how his parents put up with it. Change the locks and DO NOT let them back in. Your husband is a tear and your sd is a brat.
How long have you been married? Have you been planning your own children?
Tell them if they don't take the dog with them you will take it to a shelter, do not let them leave it with you.

Get rid of them and start anew. They are vile and I'm sorry you have to deal with this but dump the toxic husband.

I repeat my post of not letting them take any presents you have purchased. I would take them back to the shops today for a refund as you may need money for legal fees.

stay strong

hope you are ok o.p.i believe firmly that dh has to bear the brunt my wrath.stepparenting is hard and with any parenting if kids can weedle between them chaos reigns.i hope that you take up the kind offer of xmas with mnetter.im sure it would be a far more elaxed affair than with a house undermining bullying behaviour.keep strong.x

OP, Can you tell him not to come back on the 27th?
He needs to take the dog with him BTW.
I'd spend the time he's away chucking his stuff into bags for him to collect another time.
He's a bully and she's a nasty little wind up.
Both deliberately goading you.

If the child is so traumatised by the step mother's threats to have the dog pts then surely they couldn't entertain leaving the dog with the dog murdering witch? If they do leave, or try to leave, the dog with her, it will show what a hypocritical tosspost the father is.

I'll be very interested to find out if they try to leave the dog with Cruella. (firmly tongue in cheek OP), I bet they try to.

Change the locks if he wants to create a culture of bullying and under-appreciating hard work the he can jolly well do that under his own steam, not yours, let 2012 be a fresh start with your own rules. Good luck

I agree entirely with all the posters making the point that SD is a CHILD. And that, yes, of course children can be manipulative and badly behaved - intentionally hurtful even. But they are a product of their parents and their environment. And something has gone spectacularly wrong with this child, that's for sure.

OP, I feel really bad for you, you had a really shitty day yesterday and were treated appallingly. As others have said the real issue here is - is this relationship worth saving? It seems you are all extremely unhappy.

Your husband sounds like a total and utter fucking tosser, by the way.

OP i am new to this thread but i am utterly shocked at your treatment,i am in North Wales,if you live this way you are very welcome to come & have Christmas here,no dogs just a 5yr old ds!

Please do not let your dh treat you like this,his dd is treating you in the same way & you deserve more than that.

The offer of Christmas is genuine btw,if you want to come pm me.

Your entire family ibvu. That dog should have been trained by now. By anyone, even you. It is easy to train them not to jump at people, takes only a few lessons. You put the dog on their leash when you go to greet people and step on the leash so they cannot jump up. Say Down sternly if they try and jump.

I am still holding a grudge at the man across the street who told my ds age 8 "That dog should be put down". Because the dog did run towards him barking, on an expandable leash. I explained to ds that some people are afraid of dogs and it is important to lock the lead if anyone comes near, and pull/call the dog towards him, and move aside for the person to pass. Even though I know the man was probably frightened, to say we should kill it, to a child, was nasty.
What kind of big scary dog did we have? He was a ...Bichon-Poo!

OP - sorry everyone is still going on about dogs and what you should do about situations that actually are beyond your control now.

he wants a divorce because he believes SD and whatever, whatever. so it's over - in reality it is isn't it? even if you could change his mind would you actually want to? it's not a marriage is it?

so what now?

whose house is it - is it owned, rented, in your name, his, joint?

i realy don't think you should put yourself through having to live with them over the eons it can take to sort a divorce etc. it would be hell for you and why prolong the agony.

do you have a plan? do you have rl friends around? family?

i can say from personal experience (awful family fall out once many years ago) that a christmas spent solo indulging in films and glasses of port is far from the worst thing in the world

how are you feeling?

to other posters - regardless of the dog/sd/whatever the OP has just had it announced that she is to be divorced,been called evil and abandoned the day before christmas. just to spell out the obvious. the ins and outs of how to train a dog are not top priority.

Same with a dog begging at a table, the dog should know not to come near you at the table, and should go away when told. It is not the dogs fault nobody trained it.

What Santa said...

I am sorry OP, that you are upset. Sorry to go on about the dog. Maybe you can all kiss and make-up?

OP... I can't believe how dismissive your DH is. He hasn't had a proper conversation with you since he told you he wants a divorce and now he's said he still wants that. Really - when he and DSD have gone - pack their stuff and tell him where/when it can be collected.

I don't see what there is to sort out in this marriage. Your husband is being horrible on a grand scale. Whether he stands up for his child or not, odious behaviour from her should be checked and it isn't being. There's no excuse for that and you don't have to put up with it.

If it were me, I'd be reeling at the turn of events but I don't think my self-esteem could take another hit from not taking action now to end the marriage myself. No judgement at all to you, OP, this is an awful situation - but don't let him carry on hurting you and making all the decisions his way. It's really like an exclusive club that you don't have membership of. He didn't even have the decency to discuss the issues following his divorce statement.

Oh and I think the 12 year old is more than capable of being a spiteful person in her own right, her neglectful parents haven't been the only influences in her life and she isn't a decent child from what you've posted.

Thinking of you. What crap timing. :(

OMG! I wish I had an ounce of the assertiveness you have.

Such a sad situation, a grown man acting like a teenager, and siding with one. He's not a good parent if he will succumb to the slightest whim of his daughter. She needs firm but fair boundaries, not being drawn into conflicts with you.

You are well out of the situation, make sure you have a very merry christmas, although it may be tinged with sadness, try to make it a good one. Have you got somewhere to go? They surely can't expect you to spend it alone.

I meant him drawing her into his conflicts with you...

The dog is a symptom not the cause, the DH is the cause, nothing changes until he changes. From what has been written he is a prize prick who doesn't want to. I would normally be arguing that step parents accept the whole package, that the OH has a child and they have to find ways to make it work.

This situation is beyond that, the DH isn't going to change, he's going to leave her alone for Christmas, that just says how much he cares. For some Christmas beings out the worst in them (I was once dumped on Xmas Day Morning b**ard) it is certainly bringing out the worst in your DH.

I wouldn't fight for him, it shouldn't be a competition between the SD and DW, no one wins when a family becomes a competition, all you get then are losers.

I would use this as an opportunity to keep him out, he has all of his stuff that he needs, so does his daughter, I'd tell him that I need more time than the 27th and to please not come back. The daughter isn't returning to school so no major issues there yet.

Take some time to decide what you want OP.

Agree with sitandnatter - don't let him back in. Get someone to change the locks, let him take his stuff to his mother's. Although I might be a crumpled weeping heap on the floor if this happened to me, try and be strong and see this through, this is the time for change so make the best of it. You can cry later...