Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" 
DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"
Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.
I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.
So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".
Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".
I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.
DSD is 12 btw.
I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.
Merry fucking christmas.