Another ruined Christmas here - SD and DH hate me and if truth be told, the feelings are mutual

[NowIveDoneIt]

Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"

Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.

I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.

So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".

Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".

I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.

DSD is 12 btw.

I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.

Merry fucking christmas.

Ok well I think this is a kind of a 'mountain out of a molehill' situation because you were tired and in pain and your DSD was hyper and giddy and your DH possibly in holiday mode.I think it is possible your DH didn't realise the extent to how pissed off you were.Your DH did ' (say) her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning to DSD.
However you really need to put your foot down and establish some house rules wrt the dog eg no sleeping on your bed, out of the room when you are eating etc and obedience classes.Make no bones about it that the dog will be rehomed if this isn't adhered to.
Only you know whether this incident typifies your DH and DSDs treatment of you.I don't know how other posters can glean so much from one incident but heyho.But people do get stressed and things escalate out of hand at xmas.If your relationship is generally good and respectful, don't let this one incident spoil things.

Honestly, I'd probably say the same.

Could the dog go to a kennels for Christmas (either with or without SD/H knowledge where). Space to sort out the humans in the house seems appropriate.

Getting SD back to her mum's for a few days sounds sensible too. Is she as bad with her mum, or is this some bizarre casting of you as the "wicked stepmother" role on her part? Either way she needs to know she can't behave like this to anyone. If she set the dog on anyone else it would definitely be destroyed and likely she would be prosecuted too.

If it's worth bothering, you and H will sort things out, if not; what are your options? Don't leave the house without your documents.

OP already said she didn't mean it, about getting the dog PTS. I saw that initially and thought it was horrid, but she didn't mean it. The dog is getting lumped in with the horrible behaviour of OPs DH and DSD, the dog is just being a dog and is boisterous and is out of control. I'm a dog-lover too but can see that OP was at the end of her tether at the dog being used as a 'weapon of mass destruction'.

I think that OP will never get respect from the DSD whilst DH treats her so dismissively, trying to curry favour with his daughter in a ridiculous way when the child needs discipline.

I know exactly how you feel about the dog >:( Knocked over my christmas tree and broke the decorations. Much sympathy from me. Do you still love him after all that??? Do you WANT a divorce? If yes I'm sorry, if no, you probably need to figure out a compromise about the dog. How did the girls mother react?

Is it just you, dh and dsd or are there other children too? Where are you/they now?

The more I think about this, the more it seems that it became a nightmare situation from something quite little (you were tired, the dog was excited). I don't agree with many others on here who are saying that instant divorce is the way forward. You need to remember why you married this man and decide if any of those feelings are still there - if so, then it's worth working something out and that might involve apologies from all 3 of you thb.

Regardless of what you said (and you know it was wrong) your OP sounds like you're some kind og court jester in your own house and no one seems to be even trying to give you any respect.

YANBU. At all. Even in the 'bad' things you said.

You do need to take control though, as far as the dog is concerned. Don't expect anyone else to remove the dawg from staring at you. You get up, you take the dog outside, you close the door, you tell anyone that if they let the mutt in whilst you're trying to eat they will paaaaay. Don't take the shite you're taking. There is always a hierarchy, the dog is not at the top.

And you need to stop accepting your place at the bottom.

Respect works all ways. You and your DH need to sort this, or sod him divorcing you, you divorce him! (OMG that's almost like saying leave the bastard isn't it??????)

Having raised 3 teens, I know what its like when they decide you are the enemy and set out to wind you up, the problem here is the lack of support from DH, if one of DHs children, or even my own DS, over step the mark, DH backs me up, without that back up, I would have flipped years ago.

YANBU, DH needs to support you. He is BU. Stick to your guns.

For goodness sake, do not take the dog to the kennel without SD or DH's knowledge because it will seem as you did put the dog down.

And you should never threaten a child about violence. You might think it but you should never say it.

You poor, poor thing.

I love dogs, really love dogs but your OP made me want to throw that bloody dog out the window and your brat DSD with it. Sorry.

Hope you're alright. Your DH should support you.

I adore dogs and it would not have occurred to me to say what you BUT I can actually understand why you said it though because from your OP I think you had been goaded beyond endurance. It's bullying, sorry if that sounds dramatic but it is and I would be taking steps to get out of this situation especially if you do not have kids with this man.

If you both work long hours and the dog is cooped up then he must also be stressed out with loneliness and boredom, hence his boisterousness. As for you having to eat in the bedroom that is just not on.

YANBU in the least and to be totally honest (and I know I will get flamed for saying it) if it were me I would have the bloody dog put down or let it "run away".

I don't know who is most vile your Husband his daughter or the dog, at least the dog is a dump animal so that is some way to explaining why it is as it is

There is a complete lack of respect for you in your own house. Yes what you said wasn't nice but you were pushed to the limit after a very long shift.

What was their excuse for their treatment of you? Quite frankly they are horrid, and 12 is more than old enough to know exactly what she is doing (including letting the dog into your bloody room!). She is playing you against her father quite well, it's a shame your DH doesn't discipline her before snapping at your really.

go to a hotel for Xmas. Rest, relax, have a bit of you-time.

When you get back, TELL them the dog is being trained. TELL dd that she is taking responsibility for the dog. If it nicks food, she goes without. If it makes a mess, she cleans up.

Wow, you have had a horrid day haven't you!

Unfortunately it sounds to me like you might have some problems with your DP. While it is normal for your DSD to try to wind you up, DH should not be egging her along but should discuss things with you in private, arrange on a strategy to deal with DSD, dog, etc. and present a united front.

If all this is salvageable why not suggest to DSD that as a New Year's resolution the two of you and the dog will join a training class? It may help you both to do something constructive together and training classes are usually a lot of fun.

keepinmind you would kill a dog or allow it to "run away" to perhaps be hit by a car and be utterly terrified at being abandoned when it is clearly the PEOPLE in charge of it who are at fault? What an awful thing to say. You deserve to be flamed for that.

I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself

Whoever said you are at the bottom of the house hierarchy is absolutely right.

i would be very angry my partner had been so unsupportive and downright disrespectful.having admitted you shouldnt have said that about the dog,let things lie for a bit.everyones intitiled to have a bad day adn that wiuldve taken me over the edge.personally id put them all outside in a doghouse and enjoy the peace.hope you are ok

Oh what a shitty day for you. Totally understand why you would get so stressed. An untrained dog bears no malice and was probably really excited to see you but honestly mine nearly pushed me to the state of murder when it was like that and having a bitchy sd and an unsupportive partner is not going to help. What do you want to do? Is this a regular occurence?

Hmm...I think that you need to take control of the dog situation, without putting it down.

So Id buy a crate and put the dog in the crate whenever you are eating.

Id insist that the dog not be allowed upstairs. Ever.

Id insist that if the dog goes in your room and on your bed, then SD should strip the bed, remake it, wash and iron the sheets and covers. Each and every time.

Id tell SD and DH that the dog MUST be walked twice a day - first thing in the morning and in the evening before dinner. This is their responsibility. Poor thing :(

Id sign up SD with dog training classes next term, and insist on DH paying for them. If they decline, suggest the dog goes back to mum.

Once you have set out your stall with the dog issues, then you can start looking at the relationship. Which does seem out of kilter.

I would suggest that if your DH threatens to divorce you over the dog, you are on a highway to nothing and that maybe you don't have much to salvage. Maybe once everyone has calmed down, you ask DH if he wants a divorce, and I would tell him that if he ever makes that threat again, he can move out the same day. Its a horrible horrible thing to say, not acceptable under any circumstances unless he actually means it. In which case, he can take SD and dog and move out tomorrow.

I think it may be time for an "either the dog goes or I do" discussion with DH. IMO you have very little to lose.

kelly2000 I agree they sound like bullies

OP chuck them all out

Without a supportive H, there is absolutely no hope of this 12 yo DSD doing anything other than saying 'how are you going to make me?' when the OP tries to get her sheets washed and the dog barred from going upstairs.

I would not want the job of trying to get a large and untrained dog into a crate either.

Yes, they are bullies. And I agree with Whatmeworry's summing up. If he agrees there is a problem then there is a little bit of hope here. If he stoutly defends the dog and tries to say you are being unreasonable, 'kicking off', 'taking a bad day out on others', or any such crap, off to the solicitor with you.