Another ruined Christmas here - SD and DH hate me and if truth be told, the feelings are mutual

[NowIveDoneIt]

Oh my where to start. When DSD came to live with us she brought with her their pet dog. I love dogs but I never expected the dog to be so wild. It has never had any form of discipline and basically just does what the hell it likes. Sleeps on beds, eats off Human's plates, you name it. I have tried to suggest training but like with everything else in this house, I may as well talk to the dog itself.
So yesterday I had a particularly hard and long day at work. 13 hour shift, 7am until 8pm. Half hour break inbetween, barely ate anything all day and by the time I got home I was starving and tired.
I come through the front door at 8.30 and the dog flew at me, knocked me back into the front door and the handle dug directly into a rib. Very much in pain I shouted "no" at the dog and pushed it away. I went into the kitchen to find DH and DSD stood talking. Trying to remain calm to avoid a row I said something along the lines of "see, this is why the dog needs training, it's just jumped up me and knocked me flying into the front door". As soon as I finished speaking they both collapsed into fits of giggles and DSD then starts making a fuss of the dog saying stuff like "Oh you naughty boy! were you excited?? aww bless!" etc etc.
Ignoring the obvious goading here I shove my dinner into the microwave and stand there waiting for it to cook. DSD then starts saying "oh 'fluffy' was on your bed fast asleep today, you shouldve seen him, he looked so cute!" DH then said her name in a "you're taking it too far" type warning and she toddled off giggling into the living room. I took my dinner out of the microwave and walked into the living room with it. The dog followed me, constantly nudging my arm, walking into me etc so I said "DH will you PLEASE control the dog". DSD then muttered "god" and tutted at me. Totally ignored, as usual I sat down with my dinner and the dog sat directly in front of me, staring at me and drooling. I HATE this at the best of times but knew one more incident would cause a row and I just wanted to eat my tea so I ignored it. DSD sits there giggling watching the dog. After a few minutes the dog takes a chance and tries to connect with my plate. I shout "NO!" at it and push its head away with my hand. DSD then shouts "oh my god, dad has just punched the dog in the face!!" DH comes in and says "why would you do that???" I said "I never PUNCHED the bloody thing! I pushed it!" and he replied with "oh well I'll just push you around then, see how you like it shall I!"

Now at this point I really am in danger of exploding so I say "tell you what, go and fuck yourself, you're clearly an imbecile incapable of reason. I'm eating upstairs". I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT.

I go upstairs and he shouts after me "no need to take it out of me and DSD and the dog just because you've had a bad day, lots of people work long hours, not just you!". I ignore this.

So I'm sat on my bed, eating my dinner (ffs) and I hear the unmistakable sound of DSD and the dog running up the stairs. A few minutes later the bedroom door flies open, the dog flies in, jumps straight onto the bed and knocks my dinner EVERYWHERE. DSD stands there, mortified and runs downstairs telling DH that she had "accidently" opened our bedroom door and the dog had "accidently" knocked my dinner everywhere and I was about to kick the dogs head in. At no point did I suggest I would be kicking anyone's head in. DH then runs upstairs saying "don't kick off, it was an accident!".

Now this is the bit that pushed the whole thing from a family row to divorce cards I think. Covered in korma sauce and past caring I popped my head into DSDs bedroom and said "Well, because of your stupid behaviour the dog is going to the vets tomorow to be put to sleep".

I don't know why I said it. I wish I hadn't. I can't explain what on earth made me do that but the next thing I know she is howling in her room and DH is shouting at me that I'm an evil little bitch and he wants a divorce.

DSD is 12 btw.

I've not seen either of them today. I assume divorce is still on the cards.

Merry fucking christmas.

YANBU

With regard to the dog, the situation is clearly ridiculous and not on. The dog should not have more respect than you in your house. It should be trained, not be sleeping on beds and not be eating off plates .

I would have flipped and sworn at that point too.

This is not the dogs fault however and the comment you made about having the dog put down was overboard (I would apologise for this one).

The real issue here is your DH. DSD is a child and her behaviour with regard to lying about things you have done, winding you up and letting the dog into your room is completely unacceptable. Your DH is married to you, you are the adult and he should take your word that you didn't hit/kick the dog and then discipline DSD for lying and letting the dog into your bedroom.

If he cannot respect you enough to demand that level of respect from his DSD for you then he is not worth it. No one should have to feel like that in their own home.

I would calmly explain to DH that he either sorts it out or you will be leaving, if he doesn't want to bother then you know where you stand and good riddance to him!

Oh love, use this festive time to really have a think about what you want and what you deserve. There may well be rocky times ahead but make sure you finish 2012 in a happier, more respected position than you're in now.

Totally on your side, would be tempted to take the divorce tbh. Daddy's little girl can do no wrong by the sound of it, and dog is rated higher than you. As others have said I'd be tempted to call his bluff. Good luck and remember you are worth so much more than this.

Your husband is not treating you with respect. You have a right not to have an out of control dog in your house, you have a right to eat your dinner in peace you have a right to not be insulted or jeered at by your husband/and/or his daughter. They're ganging up. He's enabling her to pick on you. With a daughter or step daughter mother goading is going to be part of the teenage experience but your husband should bloody well back you up and not immediately leap to her defence! Tit!

I'd call his bluff and say yes divorce sounds like a very good idea, he and his daughter and the infernal dog will clearly be happier together without you and the feeling will be mutual!

Taking the worst thing you said - you threatened to have an out of control dog put down. You didn't kill the dog, or say you were going to do something yourself - in the context of what had happened I'd be threatening to make it into a pair of christmas slippers myself. It wasn't a very nice thing to say but you were sorely provoked. I honestly don't think this makes you the baddie in the piece.

What's the reason DSD isn't living with her mother?

is the house yours?

why did dsd have to come live there - did something happen with mum?

why are you working such huge hours and not even being made a cup of tea when you get in?

basically - get rid of all three of them.

Dsd is neither here or there it's the dad that's the issue.

If he can't back up OP she has no hope of gaining respect.

Personally I would go into DSD's room to tell her to keep her self pitying wails down you dont want to hear them. Tell her also that the only 'accident' in the dog getting into the room was that DSD thought it would be funny and it wasnt. Consequences! Now is the time to be icy cold with her.

Similar treatment for DH. Stop his shouting and blathering. If you are going to divorce you will discuss it when you all have had time to calm down.

They don't respect you and the dog is better looked after than you are. It sounds like neither of them want you around so leave them to it.

You deserve better. Somewhere where you can relax in your own home and are not goaded into a rage would be a good start.

It is hard to be a stepchild. If it was your and DH's child, you wouldn't be arguing about divorce now. To be honest, the key thing in the story the way you've described it is your DH's behaviour - the individual elements - the dog jumping up at you, etc, each by themselves are not so big a deal, even her accusing you of punching the dog - if your DH responded appropriately. He is the only one I would be angry with. His response "I'll push you around and se how you like it," is especially worrying, I'm not implying at all that he is violent, but it sends a very bad message to DSD - she is being rewarded with her Dad being on her side for her bad behaviour, and you are being punished. She will not change while he is acting like this.

Have to admit I felt a wave of strong disgust at the bit about putting the dog down. But it was in the heat of the moment and after a long day at work, it doesn't say something about you, it doesn't show that you're evil or anything of the sort. Your husband and stepdaughter should realise that. Everyone should also take a massive step back and try to deal with the situation knowing that everything was made worse tenfold by all the heated emotions around that evening. Remember that the two of them had been together for some time before you arrived, they were probably having fun, and you might have come across as a wet blanket- that's annoying for anyone- and understandable considering what sort of day you'd had. So probably that's why he sided with her.

I think any discussion should be done completely separate from your stepdaughter- she's obviously upset for some reason, provocative and she's not going to make the situation any better. She also probably won't be able to look past the fact that you threatened her dog and will keep bringing it up while you try to bring the tone closer to peace.
I would ask your husband to limit her access to the phone/Internet so she can't talk it over with anyone except you two- if she talks it over and exaggerates with her friends re: evil stepmum who hates animals, she'll blow it into an even bigger thing. It should be laid out very clearly to her that you didn't mean a word of it and how much feelings can get in the way of reason.

pumpkin I agree it's very hard to be a sc, and all children try to play their parents off against eAch other, but siding with the kids tends to happen much more within a step family situation.

In couples who have stayed together the issues tend to be resolved and there is less them and us.

Dh and I really struggled at first - he sd to resident ds and me sm to resident ss along with non resident dsd.

We had to come to a resolution that our strength as a couple had toncome first - to enable us to be good parents.

meh he sided with her because deep down he knows he's a lazy arse and his wife works too hard and he doesn't treat her well enough.

the 'you're notthe only one who works long hours' remark, which was totally out of context was very telling i think.

he sounds like a defend by pre-emptive attack type.

Awwww, I sorry you've gone through this.

It honestly sounds as though you don't have a home.

A 12 year old shouldn't be going into your bedroom when you want five minutes to eat your tea. A dog shouldn't be ruling your life.

I'd leave. If he wants you back he'll have to fight for you.

Another one that thinks your husband should treat you with more respect. I'd be tempted to tell him to go ahead with the divorce, this is not a fun way to live. :(

Sounds like they were deliberately getting at you and engineering the situation.

Laughing when you are hurt, praising the dog that hurt you. Lying saying you punched the dog, deliberately (accidentally opening the door so the dog could get in my arse!) opening the door, lying again that the dog accidentally knocked your food over, this was deliberate by your SD and then her lying that you threatened to kick the dogs head in!!!!

Have to wonder why and what they got from it apart from you are the big evil and it reinforces it is them against the world!

I would take all their presents back they sure as hell don't deserve a thing from you!

What are you getting out of a relationship with this nasty pair?

Oh pack up, bugger off for a week and see how much you enjoy things without any of them. I suspect it will be the best week you've had in an age.

As for your step daughter, she is 12. That is old enough to have some discipline, and to control her dog.

Whose name is the house in? Can you get them out? Can you send dsd back to her mums for a bit si you and dh can talk?

YANBU. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that if the dog is by this point untrainable it needs to be completely restrained before something awful happens. I think you had a fair point, TBH. If that dog attacks, they will have been negligent.

Happy Christmas 2012 - by which time I hope you're happily settled into your new life while XH is learning the hard way that he's got to take control.

you all sound like idiots tbh

Sounds horrible for you op, i'm very rushed getting to work, sorting childcare and then spending hours at work constantly on the go with no chance to stop for food and drink.

It's not good for us, and the lack of food and fluid plays havoc with my moods. I would have reacted exactly like you did, it sounds like they were trying to wind you up.

Threatening to take him to the vet will mean no more giggling when he knocks you over, or ganging up by DH and DSD over mutt. Seemed reasonable threat to me.

You should find a good solicitor and find out the consequences for you of a divorce so you don't make any regrettable decisions.

If you threatened to have one of my DCs pets destroyed I'd be in touch with my solicitor . However I guess I can understand why.

The dog sounds like a symptom not a cause - a catalyst for all of you to behave badly.

Have you got somewhere to go for Christmas?

A mate or a sibling or someone?

I'd pack up and go there. Don't say anything, just go.

You poor, poor thing sounds like you have just had enough.

I'd take the divorce myself. You deserve respect which you are not getting from these 2 overgrown toddlers.

Hope 2012 is a better year for you.