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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at MIL for letting herself into our house?

121 replies

mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:12

My PIL live about a mile to us and have a key to our home, which in my opinion is for emergencies. We were heading out last night at 7 and MIL was kindly going to babysit. At 6 my husband and I were in the kitchen and heard a key being turned in the front door, and there was MIL saying 'I brought my own keys'. I was fuming, gave her the flared nostrils and said 'you should have knocked, we could have been doing anything!'. I had to scarper upstairs in order to cool down about this, and am still really cross that she thought it was ok just to open our front door without knocking or ringing the doorbell, and we were clearly at home.

She has in the past let herself in to our house whilst we've been away on hols and done some of our washing and ironing without asking, and of course I know that she's only being kind then, but have felt uncomfortable about this too. Although haven't mentioned it.

Am I way over protective about my personal space?

OP posts:
hermionestranger · 23/12/2011 13:13

You are being u IMO. My Mum always let's herself I and I would think it odd of she didn't. She is family after all .

amerryscot · 23/12/2011 13:13

What exactly were you doing in the kitchen?

Try to cut her some slack - she was babysitting, presumably for free. Some of us have never had this.

edam · 23/12/2011 13:15

I don't think she should let herself in without knocking or permission when you are away. Extremely rude and wrong.

pictish · 23/12/2011 13:15

Yabu....she was babysitting (presumably as a favour for free) and you were expecting her. Straighten your face out.

ItsSnowDarling · 23/12/2011 13:16

My Dad lets himself into our house, my DH and I don't really think anything of it to be honest.

If you don't want her to let herself in, then don't let her have a key!

birdsofshoreandsea · 23/12/2011 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troisgarcons · 23/12/2011 13:16

Wouldnt bother me .... no "anything" going on when I've just had a bath, slung a face on and am ready to be going out (I do not carry a box of jizz round with me Grin!)

Seriously though - the entire family and neighbours all hold each others keys - people always wandering in and out of here.

Gigondas · 23/12/2011 13:16

Am with edam- presumably the key was given to ils as an emergency not so they could pop in out.

FlightRisk · 23/12/2011 13:17

My friend used to have a key to my house until she came round one day and just let herself in. giving someone a key (family or not) doesn't give them a free will to just let themselves in. You haven't offered them your house to use at freewill. it is for emergencies or pet sitting only!!!

Take the key back at leave it with a trusty neighbour. Xx

Original poster
mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:18

We weren't doing anything in the kitchen, although I had just come out of the shower so just had a towel wrapped around me, maybe my lack of clothing added to my vulnerability!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/12/2011 13:18

My Dad has a key and so do my PILs but they would always knock if we are in.

It's just manners really

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 23/12/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WiiWishYouAMerryChristmas · 23/12/2011 13:19

I'm with you OP, spare keys with family members are for emergencies and holiday feeding the dog / watering the plants occasions, not for letting themselves in. I wouldn't be happy if my MiL let herself in or my own Mother for that matter. I value my personal space and think that entering someone else's home uninvited is rude.

nethunsreject · 23/12/2011 13:20

Yanbu

It is an infringement of your privacy.

Just a quick tap of the door is enough, but it is good manners to announce your entry.

But of course, you must be endlessly grateful because you are getting free childcare Hmm!

ItsSnowDarling · 23/12/2011 13:21

I have a key to my Dads house - the only reason I knock is that I always forget it!

Ephiny · 23/12/2011 13:24

It would bother me if she was turning up unannounced all the time and letting herself in. But if you were expecting her at that time anyway, I don't really see the problem. Our cleaner and dog walker both let themselves in, sometimes when I'm in (working from home) and I don't mind at all.

zimm · 23/12/2011 13:25

YANBU. This would bug me. But I'm quite uptight about such things.

Kayano · 23/12/2011 13:27

You said 'in my opinion it is for emergencies'

Err... Have you actually told her that.

I agree normally it's rude if you don't know they are coming, but she was babysitting
For you and you were expecting her! Sheesh, chill out

Original poster
mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:28

Garcons and Tinsel- surely it's different if you leave your door open/unlocked? My parents leave their door unlocked and I always knock and walk in, but to unlock a front door, without knocking, when we were obviously at home?

And yes, of course, eternally grateful for the occasional free babysitter.

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 23/12/2011 13:29

I am totally with you OP. Your error though is giving her a key in the first place.

Neither mine, nor DH Parents have a key to our house because I would feel as you did but also they do not live nearby so no need for them to have a key anyway.

Take the key back or if you move/change the door/lock in the future do not give keys out because she will probably never understand, I presume she is of the generation who probably did all pop in and out of their Relatives houses.

MIL and FIL stayed at our house 1 weekend a couple of years ago as the dog was too sick to go in kennels. Even though DH explained they were to do no chores as they were here to look after the dog and go for walks/coffees in the village MIL still went in our wardrobe, went through the dirty laundry and did the washing. I too had to hide upstairs to calm down. DH said he was surprised I didn't completely lose the plot with her.

They have never been asked to stay since Grin

Luminescence · 23/12/2011 13:31

Can you leave a key in the door so she can't get her key in and has to knock?

Nancy66 · 23/12/2011 13:31

wouldn't bother me in the least

I think you're being a bit precious. It's your husband's mother, your children's grandmother.....

i think the only rudeness lies on your part. She came round to help you out and you bit her head off.

MrsBradleyCooper · 23/12/2011 13:32

YANBU - I would feel exactly the same.

My PIL would do this sort of thing, but I do tend to try and take deep breaths and think "it's just their way, it's just their way" Grin

Some people are more private than others....

troisgarcons · 23/12/2011 13:33

Nah - Everyone has everyone elses keys round here - in and out like yo-yo's!

MrsBradleyCooper · 23/12/2011 13:35

by the way, I'd just look at it as a misunderstanding - I think you need to get DH to asks her to only let herself in in an emergency or when house sitting etc.

I'm sure if it's put nicely, she will understand.

I don't think you're being precious at all - you are obviously just a private person, which you are entitled to be in your own home fgs!

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