Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be angry at MIL for letting herself into our house?

121 replies

mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:12

My PIL live about a mile to us and have a key to our home, which in my opinion is for emergencies. We were heading out last night at 7 and MIL was kindly going to babysit. At 6 my husband and I were in the kitchen and heard a key being turned in the front door, and there was MIL saying 'I brought my own keys'. I was fuming, gave her the flared nostrils and said 'you should have knocked, we could have been doing anything!'. I had to scarper upstairs in order to cool down about this, and am still really cross that she thought it was ok just to open our front door without knocking or ringing the doorbell, and we were clearly at home.

She has in the past let herself in to our house whilst we've been away on hols and done some of our washing and ironing without asking, and of course I know that she's only being kind then, but have felt uncomfortable about this too. Although haven't mentioned it.

Am I way over protective about my personal space?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 23/12/2011 20:50

It's perfectly acceptable if you're happy for people to let themselves into your house. If it's not what the OP is happy with, then it isn't OK. It depends entirely on your family set up and boundaries, not on whether someone was babysitting for free or expected at a certain time. I've given my dad a key to let himself in to feed my pets when we're away, if he used it to let himself in when we were at home I'd go bloody bonkers.

fallon8 · 23/12/2011 22:33

Stop being so stingy and expecting us to baby sit for free.You only want us when it convenient for you.We have seen women wrapped in towels before !!!

ceebie · 23/12/2011 22:41

If you have asked her nicely, several times, and she is ignoring your wishes, YANBU.

If you haven't explained to her properly when the key should and shouldn't be used, YABU.

seeker · 23/12/2011 22:52

The important thing to rmmbr is that MIls la are not really human- they are sub species and don't really hqve feelings like real people do. So yes, iit's fine to use them for babysitting whn it suits you, but don't worry that their feelings migh be hurt if you tell them they are doing it wrong or take their key away from them- they won't be upset at all as I said,thy don't fel things the way people do.

WLmum · 23/12/2011 23:05

YANBU imo - I share the same problem though! My mil also lets herself in when we are home - I did once say I was uncomfortable about it but it didn't change anything! I have to say that she does lots for us so in this instance I do just try to wind my neck in but I do hate it. I am quite a private person and the letting in started after I had DD1 - 'so as not to disturb me' but I was very much disturbed by having my front door opened whilst I was on the toilet with the door open (so could talk to DD) and whilst breast feeding - door open meant any passing neighbours could have seen the bf!

I also found it a problem in latter years when the door would open whilst in the middle of disciplining DD1 - naughty step that faces front door that swings open with cheery granny was always a treat!

We have tried various 'subtle' things such as leaving a key in the lock and even fitting a chain but she never got the hint and I found that it was so annoying for us that we stopped.

I think it is inappropriate and hate it for lots of reasons but feel that it is not worth damaging a relationship for...note it has taken me 4.5 years to get this reasonable!

seeker · 23/12/2011 23:18

Also, how would you feel if your own mother let herself in? If you would be OK ith thwt, thn you have to think very casually about being bothered if your mIL does.

Mya2403 · 24/12/2011 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

NettleTea · 24/12/2011 00:41

its an odd one. My mum and my MIL both have keys, and they would both generally knock. However my mum has been known to come round when we were on holiday and clean house from top to toe, and get my dad to do the garden which was a nice surprise, though a little odd.
However ive just been thinking about it and I always walk straight into MIL's house, and will knock on my mums and let myself in if the door is open. MIL's is all glass so they can see us and we can see them, so it saves her walking to the door as she can get a bit tired....

dontletthebellsend · 24/12/2011 00:49

There are 2 schools of thought on this and if you haven't told her you don't like it then YABU to expect her to just know. My MIL wouldn't dream of knocking whereas my mum won't have a key and stands in the street waiting for me like a martyr if I'm out when she comes around. I prefer MILs way.

Tigerbomb · 24/12/2011 01:00

In my family we don't have keys to each others house except for when we are "looking after the house" when parents are away. The key is immediately returned when they come back

I would hate it if my mom came to my house and let herself in and under no circumstances would I be happy if she did any "chores"

My MIL /PIL/SIL/BIL are not even 100% sure where we live, let alone have keys.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 24/12/2011 01:57

YANBU if it was explained to her that you were leaving the key at her house for you to use in case of emergency, rather than giving it to her as her key to use as and when she pleases.

Mya2403 · 24/12/2011 02:20

You should be grateful she is doing you a favour, YABVU grow up.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 24/12/2011 03:03

YANBU. I would hate this too. My mother has a key for emergencies but would never ever use it any other time. You're entitled to privacy in your own home fgs. Fine if you're comfortable with the set up but you're obviously not.

midlandsmumof4 · 24/12/2011 03:15

I wouldn't do this. I have a key to my son's house for emergencies & holidays. Any other time I visit I knock on the door and wait to be let in even though I know the outer porch door is unlocked.....

ContraryMartha · 24/12/2011 04:26

Yanbu. At all. I would have been furious.

KittyFane · 24/12/2011 07:29

YABU.
She is doing you a favour and you greet her with the nostrils thing?? How unpleasant are you?
Having her over to babysit doesn't seem to count as an infringement of your privacy but opening the door and letting herself in is?

Get over yourself.

Original poster

mimimomma · 24/12/2011 07:35

Thanks for the replies, so obviously it's an issue that splits opinion, and there's enough people agreeing with me not to feel too bad. I do agree with gluestick though-
'I just love the way some posters think that if you are receiving free babysitting you should put up with anything and never complain!' I'd never dream of asking my MIL to come over and do any chores for us, and she only babysits fairly infrequently for us and would be very hurt and cross with us if we didn't ask her and paid for a babysitter to come over. So if you're recieving free babysitting, then does anything go? You just have to shut up and put up? Really?

We won't start leaving the key in the lock- too many recent local burglaries with keys being taken out of the lock through the letterbox! And of course we won't take her key from her- that would really be hurtful. I guess I'll just see if she does it again, and if she does DH can have a word, as he's firmly in my camp and also didn't like her letting herself in, but is better at checking his responses and reactions than me.

She's coming over later for dinner, I'll be interested to see what she does!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 24/12/2011 07:43

Also, how would you feel if your own mother let herself in? If you would be OK ith thwt, thn you have to think very casually about being bothered if your mIL does.

In this case I can't see the slightest difference. I wouldn't want my mother letting herself,if I wasn't there, in any more than MIL. Why would there be a difference?
There are a lot of people on here who are going to have problems with their own DCs if they think that being a parent gives them the right to treat their DCs belongings as their own.

KittyFane · 24/12/2011 07:50

So if you're recieving free babysitting, then does anything go? You just have to shut up and put up? Really?
Yes.

iscream · 24/12/2011 08:07

I don't think yabu. But it sounds like your mil has a different policy and you have to speak to her about it. You could add a chain lock onto your door. Or ask for the key back, saying you need an extra key in case you loose yours, and they don't really need one anyways. You can give them one if they house sit or babysit.

My in-laws would ring and wait outside,or open the screen door and call "We're here", we would be calling out "Come on in" as we went to the door, and they are/were the same way. Dh has a key to his parents house but only uses it when he is taking care of the house for them, or sometimes he drops in after work when fil is sleeping,(pre arranged), to work on fil's pc or pick something up.
I haven't had a key to my mothers house, since I moved out at age 16, and she never has had one for mine. I think my dh is lucky to have parents who are welcoming to family.

exoticfruits · 24/12/2011 08:08

If you have parents who are going to read your letters, tidy drawers, treat your things as their things then I would pay for a babysitter.

elinorbellowed · 24/12/2011 08:18

The people I give keys to wouldn't let themselves in. Well, my mum wouldn't but my dad has fewer boundaries and probably would. I walk into my sister's house with a knock and a shout because she lives in a village and has her back door open. As do my parents come to think of it. I wouldn't mind much if I was expecting them.

Many years ago my SIL - DP's brother's wife spent an entire evening complaining about this very thing to us. DP was very quiet about it, but on the way home said "You'd think they'd be fucking grateful to have parents nearby who babysit every week, child-mind every week and pick the eldest up from school at the drop of a hat." It wasn't pleasant for elderly PIL to be hanging around the door-step like a spare part when they were pretty much the primary care-givers for the children. So this attitude is not merely a MN one.

Sparklingbaubles · 24/12/2011 08:26

Wouldn't bother me-but you can just walk into ours-no key required. Plus my Mum is early for everything.

But I understand not everyone feels the same.

EnoughEnough · 24/12/2011 08:57

Mya2403 You should be grateful she is doing you a favour, YABVU grow up.

So if someone does you a favour, which they are pectectly within their rights to say no to, no one is forcing them . . . then the person receiving the favour has to put up with absolutely anything and everything? What a load of fucking bullshit!

wellwisher · 24/12/2011 12:53

YAB a bit U but this would have annoyed me too.

Get a chain on the door.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5