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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at MIL for letting herself into our house?

121 replies

mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:12

My PIL live about a mile to us and have a key to our home, which in my opinion is for emergencies. We were heading out last night at 7 and MIL was kindly going to babysit. At 6 my husband and I were in the kitchen and heard a key being turned in the front door, and there was MIL saying 'I brought my own keys'. I was fuming, gave her the flared nostrils and said 'you should have knocked, we could have been doing anything!'. I had to scarper upstairs in order to cool down about this, and am still really cross that she thought it was ok just to open our front door without knocking or ringing the doorbell, and we were clearly at home.

She has in the past let herself in to our house whilst we've been away on hols and done some of our washing and ironing without asking, and of course I know that she's only being kind then, but have felt uncomfortable about this too. Although haven't mentioned it.

Am I way over protective about my personal space?

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 23/12/2011 13:36

I think it's a bit rude when people let themselves in unannounced, but to be fair in this case, she was arriving to babysit for you, so you were expecting her.

It wouldn't bother me anyway, we can't hear the door being knocked on from our kitchen (I don't live in a huge house or anything, just a number of walls and doors between the front door and kitchen), so frequently the first we know is Mum hollering 'hello' already in the living room. Only when we are vaguely expecting them though, I suppose it's a bit of a fine line....[ponders]

D

GlueSticksEverywhere · 23/12/2011 13:43

I just love the way some posters think that if you are receiving free babysitting you should put up with anything and never complain!

I would maybe let it go this time as she may have just unlocked the door without even thinking if she had the key in her hand but I wouldn't like someone doing that either. I am often running round in my pants looking for hairbrush, tights etc when getting ready to go out, quite often with boobs on display. The fact that she was coming round to help is neither here nor there, you are still entitled to your privacy.

nethunsreject · 23/12/2011 13:45

Indeed, Gluestick.

There is a 'shut up, you're getting a babysitter' thang on here at times.

Original poster
mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:52

Yes, we were expecting her, but she arrived an hour earlier than we thought. Of course there's nothing wrong with her arriving early to spend a bit more time with GD, but she did catch us on the hop as it were.

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 23/12/2011 13:58

Sorry I didn't mean to imply the 'shut up you're getting a babysitter' thang, more that she was expected, altho I realise now that she came earlier than expected

OP, obviously you aren't comfortable with it, so YANBU, but lots of people would be, she maybe MIL is NBU either.

D

pingu2209 · 23/12/2011 13:59

Personally I don't think you can have it both ways. What you have described is, IMO, a lot of free help with childcare, house sitting and house work. You need to take the downsides of having such a kind MIL.

humblehippo · 23/12/2011 13:59

YANBU. I completely understand how you feel and would also feel very annoyed and like my boundaries/privacy have not been respected BUT she might not realise this and genuinely have no idea that you feel like that. Try to let her know without offending her if possible that the key is for emergencies, she should ring the bell if you're in and not just "pop in" to do jobs etc when you are away without being asked or having permission!

Going in and ironing uninvited sounds like the kind of thing my mum would do tbh. She would think it a favour [hmmm]

Yankeecandlequeen · 23/12/2011 15:04

you have 2 choices:

1 - take the key away from her or

2 - lock the door & leave the key in the lock so she can't open it from the outside then she has to knock.

So if you were having a fuck in the kitchen she couldn't get in to gawp at you.

kelly2000 · 23/12/2011 15:14

When you have asked her to come over it was OK -just. But she has no right to go in without asking even if it is to clean up -whioch si actually really rude.
I would not give anyone else a key to my place to be honest, it would just annoy me if they abused my trust under the excuse of trying to help.

usualsuspect · 23/12/2011 15:17

All my family just come in without knocking

SantasENormaSnob · 23/12/2011 15:20

Mine too usual.

This wouldn't really bother me.

BabyGiraffes · 23/12/2011 15:22

I'd try and chat to her and tell her she really scared her and could she please knock or ring the door bell... I don't think you are unreasonable. Even my dh rings the doorbell before he comes in when he gets home from work. I am easily spooked and he's scared the crap out of me before by suddenly appearing in the kitchen. Also, the girls like to rush out and greet him when he gets home - dual purpose there.

birdsofshoreandsea · 23/12/2011 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuietTiger · 23/12/2011 15:25

I have no problem with people just walking in if I'm expecting them, but my MIL (massive backstory that is too long & boring to go in to) seems to think she can just walk in, univited and plonk herself on the sofa when I'm not even aware she's coming or in the area.

Or she did... until she "dropped in unexpectly" in one day and she found DH and I having rampant sex on the sofa. She's always let me know "she's on her way over" since!

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2011 15:25

Your MIL does your washing and ironing whilst you are on holiday and you sound really ungrateful about this - send her my way and she can let herself in and do my washing and irnoning

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2011 15:26

birds - you can dead lock the catch so a key doesn't work - not difficult

usualsuspect · 23/12/2011 15:26

I would lock the door Xmas Grin

I never walk around in my pants it would scar my teenage DS for life

QuietTiger · 23/12/2011 15:30

Birdsofshoreandsea - I don't give a shit. Most times, people knock and wait, even though the back door is kept unlocked if we are in. When MIL used her key and "found us", it was her problem that she was embarrassed, not mine.

The only time there has been a bit of "smirking" was when our gamekeeper had to knock and wait because the back door was locked and he knew we were both in. As the door in "never" locked and DH answered it looking a bit flustered, it was a bit of a giveaway. Xmas Grin

Backtobedlam · 23/12/2011 15:32

YANBU and she should always knock before coming in. Its just manners, like if you're going to walk into someone's bedroom (even family in your own house) its polite to knock.

littlemonkeybix · 23/12/2011 15:32

me and my parents houses are within 5 mins walking distance... and have keys for each other's places.... and always knock. UNLESS we're previously told "use your key".

I think I'd have been peeved, but dealt with it by saying "you should have called that you were going to be early"... but been incredibly angry should it happen again. As a one off... just peeved.

We respect each others spaces. My house and their house... We are all welcome in each others houses any time... but I think that's a bit rude to let yourself in unless told to do so.

rabbid · 23/12/2011 15:33

my dad never knocks, he just appears out of nowhere, we're used to it now Grin

thing is, we're not even allowed into his house at all the majority of the time Grin

silly old git man

Bunbaker · 23/12/2011 15:33

Why can't you leave your key in the lock so she can't put the key in from outside?

If you don't have a lock you can do this with get a door chain and lock the door this way.

Ticklemonster2 · 23/12/2011 15:36

It would bother me.
If she was baby sitting then she knew you'd be in so why the need to let herself in? She should have knocked, it's polite.
However, I don't think she meant anything by it and probably won't do it again.

ThreeNine · 23/12/2011 15:36

Yanbu, I would be fuming. Shame it happened when she was babysitting for you though.

NinkyNonker · 23/12/2011 15:37

I wouldn't want my parents just letting themselves in here, nor my MIL...no matter how close we are.

Unless arranged and she knows you're out she should knock first, it is just manners and shows recognition you are adults in your home.

But I would get over it pretty quick in this instance, she meant well and was coming over anyway.