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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at MIL for letting herself into our house?

121 replies

mimimomma · 23/12/2011 13:12

My PIL live about a mile to us and have a key to our home, which in my opinion is for emergencies. We were heading out last night at 7 and MIL was kindly going to babysit. At 6 my husband and I were in the kitchen and heard a key being turned in the front door, and there was MIL saying 'I brought my own keys'. I was fuming, gave her the flared nostrils and said 'you should have knocked, we could have been doing anything!'. I had to scarper upstairs in order to cool down about this, and am still really cross that she thought it was ok just to open our front door without knocking or ringing the doorbell, and we were clearly at home.

She has in the past let herself in to our house whilst we've been away on hols and done some of our washing and ironing without asking, and of course I know that she's only being kind then, but have felt uncomfortable about this too. Although haven't mentioned it.

Am I way over protective about my personal space?

OP posts:

hackmum · 24/12/2011 14:19

I personally wouldn't like someone letting themselves in and doing my washing and ironing while I was on holiday, however kind or well-intentioned. It's intrusive.

But I wouldn't really have minded about her doing it while babysitting. I mean, I'd have minded a little bit because she should have rung the bell, but I wouldn't have made an issue out of it. You knew she was coming, and also she was doing you a favour. If you really don't like it that much, don't give her a key and don't ask her to babysit.

DoMeDon · 24/12/2011 14:32

YABU to be so angry your nostrils flared. She considers herself family and let herself in. She has done it before and you haven't mentioned it is a problem. Explain - nicley- to her that you would prefer the key is kept for emergencies only and, as a grown married woman with DC, you would prefer to keep your privacy. You could have been doing anything, OK, you weren't but it is importnat to you so it IS important.

DoMeDon · 24/12/2011 14:35

FWIW I have asked my DF not to let himself in, several times. If he does it again, I will take back my key. I fully appreciate all he does for me BUT I do a lot for him too and I want respect in my own home. Life is a two way street. If he chose to never do anything for me again, just because I ask him to knock, then he would be the tit.

theincredibequeenofwands · 24/12/2011 14:41

My Dad has a key.

He never comes in without knocking unless he knows I'm not there.

GnomeDePlume · 24/12/2011 14:48

YANBU
I dont like anyone just walking in. In fact the DCs dont like it also and have been known to actually go and lock the door if they see GP's car rolling up!

My PiL feel that it is okay to just walk in. In fact in one of our houses they used to walk round to the back door to walk in. We could have been and have been doing anything. Despite numerous hints ('didnt the front door bell work?') and direct telling, they persisted. Eventually DH put up a fence and a padlocked gate to stop them!

Even if you have a key it is for emergencies and when the householder is in the vivtor should knock first. Walking in should only be done if expressly offered. ie the default should be knock first not walk in first.

seeker · 26/12/2011 08:01

But it's not "just anyone" walking in! It's your pqrtner's mother. Your childrn's grandmother.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 26/12/2011 08:38

Any more intrusions over Xmas, OP?

I gave my parents keys specifically so they could let themselves in! We got them cut when DS was little, it was so much easier for them to just come in if I was BFing and couldn't get up, or if we were napping or whatever. When they've driven for up to an hour to get to us I'd hate for them to be left in the cold.

They'll be letting themselves in today, I think they see it as easier for us because we don't have to get up and open stairgates while shepherding excited 2yo away from the door etc.

I do think it'd be rude to let themselves in if they were dropping in unannounced (wouldn't happen with my parents, it's hard enough to book their time!) - but although your MIL was early, you did know she was coming. Admittedly she should've phoned to tell you.

I'm not one of the "you get free babysitting so shut up" brigade but I think unless you've previously made it crystal clear that you don't like it, then YABU. You said you haven't really brought up the washing/ironing issue - well, you should have, shouldn't you. Otherwise how do you expect her to know this all bothers you? That comes across - wrongly I'm sure as I'm only going on a couple of posts! - as a little passive aggressive. YANBU to want your privacy, but you should have a proper conversation about it with her and then you will have the right to be pissed off next time, IMO.

exoticfruits · 26/12/2011 08:50

I don't think that it matters who it is, if you are there they should knock-the same way that you should knock on your DCs bedroom door, once they get to a certain age-rather than just barge in.
If you have got into the habit of it at 8yrs old then you won't still be thinking you can do it at 18,28 or 38 etc.
I have my mother's key but I don't just go in if she is there.

Haribolicious · 26/12/2011 09:04

YANBU!! IMO it's just basic manners to at least knock or ring the bell or shout 'cooee!' whatever! My DH gave his DB keys to our house without telling me let alone consulting me I only found out when we arrived home from holiday one year to find his car parked in our drive! Apparently he'd already been staying in the house for a few days! He frequently lets himself in without a word and just appears in the room/doorway (he's 6ft+ and quite an intimidating guy so to just turn and see him standing there can be quite frightening!) I have 2 young dcs so while I have asked nicely for him to do something to make his presence known, DH thinks I'm being oversensitive (he's of the 'well he's family' opinion) I've once got up in the night to find him coming up the stairs to stay in the spare room!! I hate it but can't seem to reason with DH about it. He argues that he wouldn't mind if MY family did this but the point is that whilst I know MY family wouldn't do this and this is my house too and I don't like it! If I'm BU then surely in my own house I can be haha!!

I think it depends on the reason they have keys and what you are used to but even so I still think ringing bell/knocking/shouting out while you're letting yourself in is just good manners.

AnnoyingOrange · 26/12/2011 09:14

I still have a key to my mother's house and we always open the door and shout hello as we come in. We do the same at the in-laws. But then both sets of parents live quite a distance so we never arrive unexpectedly.

Neither set of parents have keys for our house but if they lived more locally I guess they might have. I don't think it would bother me if they just came in

exoticfruits · 26/12/2011 09:22

Of course it is basic manners. My mother is elderly, she can't get to the door easily and her hearing isn't good. I would still knock loudly, let myself in and shout hello and 'it's only me' so that I know that she will hear-before I go further.

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 09:30

YANBU. What if you and DH were having some naughty fun in the litchen?
nope I wouldn't want MIL or anyone letting themselves into my home.

tallulah · 26/12/2011 09:41

YANBU. My FIL did exactly the same thing. He had a key for emergencies but decided it was to use whenever he came over. The worst of it was our living room was at the back of the house, so you had nowhere to go except the back garden if somebody came in unexpectedly (if for example you were in a state of undress).

One evening DH had already gone to work and I was on my own with the children when he came in. To suddenly have someone come into the room when you aren't expecting it is a real shock.

When we had a new front door we "forgot" to give him another key.

And yes when my own mum walks into our house without knocking it drives me mad too, it's not an IL thing. We've had to start locking the door/ using the chain all the time because she seems to think its Ok to walk in unannounced. Seems from this thread that we may be unusual but I don't like it.

stinkingbishop · 26/12/2011 09:45

I like the idea of 'naughty fun in the litchen'. though it might be a bit scratchy.. ;)

seeker · 26/12/2011 09:51

Naughty fun in the lichen certainly sound less icky than naughty fun in the kitchen does!

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 09:58

the kitchen. I'm up for naughty fun in the kitchen but not if somebody is going to walk in. not a dogger

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 26/12/2011 12:33

You'd have to be careful of leaving imprints in the butter.

Vev · 26/12/2011 12:35

YABU. She was doing you a favour after all.

suburbandream · 26/12/2011 12:56

I think you are being a teeny bit U. She probably thought you'd be running round, trying to get yourself ready, get the DCs ready for bed etc etc and thought she'd save you the bother of having to let her in. I have a key to my DSis's house and tend to let myself in if I visist - but she always knows I'm coming and I ring the bell then open the door IYSWIM, so at least she knows I'm on my way in . If she was coming round randomly and letting herself in I'd be annoyed but if anyone came round when I was on holiday and sorted out the place I'd be overjoyed!!

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 26/12/2011 13:04

Well, I live miles from family but I never lock my door, and most of my friends just open the door and call, as I do with them. Small village though.

queenebay · 26/12/2011 16:15

My FIL let himself in once while I was shagging my husband in the living room-he never did it again !

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