Friend A has asked me to babysit for 3 1/2 hours on 2nd January

[pingu2209]

Hello again all.

I started two threads on here regarding help I give to friends in terms of looking after their children for free to enable them to work. Sorry I don't have the links.

Friend A works on a Friday and other odd days and regularly asks me to look after her 2 children, which I was getting fed up of.

Anyway, friend A asked me to look after her children overnight on 2nd January so that she could go out. I said no because the 3rd Jan was the last day of the holidays and I wanted the whole day as a family and knew that she wouldn't pick up her children before 10 at the very earliest.

Friend A has now told me that her mother can look after the children overnight on the 2nd Jan but is going out between 2 and 5.30 so could I now look after her children for those hours. She has pretty much begged me because she really wants to go out and it is essential that the children are not there.

I do want to help and for her (single mum) to have a social life. But really the whole of that time is 'family' time and I really want it just to be my family. My DH is also taking a days holiday so the 2nd is his last day before going back to work.

I did explain all this to Friend A and said that DH may well want to have a day out so getting back for 2pm will cut short the day. However, friend A is really desparate.

AIBU to say no?

OP - I think the desire to be helpful is a good one, in general. It's just important not to let it get out of balance so your own life doesn't suffer. It's when it slips into martyrdom it's a problem.

Practice practice practice is the only way to go - it's ok to say 'oh, I'd have loved to but just can't that day' - there is a middle road between doormat and battleaxe!

crunchbag - she won't pay the £50 fee. I know she won't.

Pingu, I was just like you. I like helping out, often was offering before asked then many times felt put upon. I never used the "N" word and would often do things for other people that had an impact on my family life. It was getting ridiculous some of the things I was making up to wiggle out of saying no. Then one day I decided enough was enough and started saying "NO". It got easier and easier and felt very liberating. I've read some of your other threads and you must stick up for yourself because nobody else is.

Pingu you have a warped sense of what 'letting someone down' means. Letting someone down is agreeing to do something and then NOT doing it at the last minute. That is entirely different from saying something is simply not possible.

If she calls to say I'll pay the £50 for my kids you simply say 'you misunderstood, this is OUR family time and, as I said before, I am not able to help'.

I hope you are right Pingu :)

But start practising saying NO as a whole sentence and stop giving her reasons/justifications that she can counteract upon, you just never know.

By the way - I love helping people out and as someone who has had to ask friends to be on standby to take DD if I go into labour (39 weeks pg) I have found it really tough asking... Nevertheless the most important thing about asking people is in the secure knowledge that they WOULD say no if they didn't want to / couldn't do it and as someone who helps people out this is probably the most important rule you should stick to.

I'm finding it really difficult to understand why you are friends with her but if you are happy having such shitty users as mates who have no respect for you then it's your life I suppose

If she wants to see this guy that much she would arrange a babysitter and go out with him. There is no reason for them to "have" to be alone in the house.

You also need to stop "discussing" it with her. You don't have to give a reason. When you give her a reason it gives her the opportunity to discuss it further with you, it what seems to be happening over and over again. For eg you said you were going to tell her that you and your family are going out for the day, but you know she will suggest you take her dcs with you. Don't give her a reason, you're just giving her wiggling room. Instead a simple "no I won't be able to do it". I know it's hard because she may then say "why what are you doing?". The trick is to say no then quickly change the subject/get off the phone. Once off the phone ignore her calls for a while, until she learns that you aren't there to be taken advantage of. Better still just text her then turn off your phone/get DH to tell her you're not available if she calls the land line etc.

Alternatively when she asks "why what are you doing?" you can say "I do have a life of my own you know" A bit arsey sounding perhaps but she deserves it and you don't have to justify yourself to her.

She never babysits for you so why do you do it for her? Why do you let yourself be taken advantage of? I think you need assertiveness training. It can be hard at first, but once you start putting yourself first and get used to saying no to people it gets easier. I've had to learn this myself! I'm sure your DH would help you stand firm.

Actually how about that this first time you get him to answer the phone (he can say you're not available when inevitably asked, having a poo or something). He can then say that you and he won't be able the look after her children for her, he hopes she sorts something out, have a lovely Christmas ta-ra. The end.

Once you see that nothing terrible will happen if you and DH (as it affects him too of course) say no to her perhaps you will find next time easier.

Sorry just read your post on page 5. I know what you mean about the needing to be liked thing. I never used to be able to say no to anyone about anything but through counselling, reading books on the subject etc I have learnt that I don't have to earn through favours the right to be liked by others. If they only liked me for what I could do for them then they weren't someone I wanted in my life.

It's ok to put yourself and your family first, in fact it's very, very important. I used to find that if I said no (even if it were just an invite for coffee that I was too busy for) then I would feel sick with guilt at the thought of letting them down or hurting their feelings and thinking about how they must feel very upset with me. (I have found that it comes from my childhood, raised on guilt!) One step at a time and I can honestly say it isn't a probem anymore.

The tricky bit is the first step and also the adjustment in others expectations of you. They will still expect you to be accomodating and may not react that well when you are not.

"This time what has thrown me is that I did said no but then got a phone call a week later where she chewed my ear off for ages telling me how much she really liked this guy" . . .

She really shouldn't have done that. She is bullying you into it. She's not a good friend, in fact she's not a friend at all.

You didn't need to make up an excuse as to why you can't babysit but I can see that might be easier right now. Practise just saying "no" though. You also didn't need to say sorry as you have nothing to be sorry for. You've already told her no and she carried on trying to bully you. She is the one who should be saying sorry.

Pingu I understand the "want to be liked" but you need to put your family first.

She doesn't babysit for you so why (bar big emergency) should you do it for her?

Well done for sending the text, don't feel guilty.

If she rings you to ask you to babysit, then maybe ask her to babysit for you instead, she'll get off the phone sharpish then I bet

Well done on the text Pingu. I reckon she'll ask you to have them again soon as she'll be a bit worried you're about to start putting your foot down and will be testing out if you are .

Be ready. If you find saying no hard, and to be fair it is at first, then make sure you say you don't know what is happening and will get back to her. Then get back to her by text again with a simple 'it's not convenient'. She's likely to try ringing you to try to make you feel guilty, but don't take her calls .

I know someone who was forever asking and utterly taking the piss. Took me sometime but finally put my foot down. She's moved on to another friend now who is lovely but has found it really hard to say no. I have been givingher lessons and found that I can predict with complete accuracy what she will do as she is very manipulative and very predictable .

Good luck with it all. New Year and all that, great time to turn over new leaf.

YANBU - she has a cheek to ask you when you already said no. This has happened to me before and I said I couldnb't do it as we were going out. However, as we live in a s,mall village we then had to go out otherwise it would be obvious that we were in IYSWIM.

Pingu, We are very alike I think. I am often so pleased to be useful to a friend who needs a favour. Sometimes I verging on grateful they asked me.

But was has been changing over the last year or so is that I'm seeing it's never returned. I watched my nephew, free of charge for 2-3 days a week for 18 months and my DB and SIL will not return the favour if it even slightly puts them out regardless of me being ill etc.

I'm saying no now and it feels so much better. I'm trying to convince myself that I am worth more to people then a babysitter. If she is your friend, she'll not be basing that on what she gets from you childcare wise.

That's terrible 'cake' - you need to find people who appreciate you!