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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend A has asked me to babysit for 3 1/2 hours on 2nd January

139 replies

pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 20:45

Hello again all.

I started two threads on here regarding help I give to friends in terms of looking after their children for free to enable them to work. Sorry I don't have the links.

Friend A works on a Friday and other odd days and regularly asks me to look after her 2 children, which I was getting fed up of.

Anyway, friend A asked me to look after her children overnight on 2nd January so that she could go out. I said no because the 3rd Jan was the last day of the holidays and I wanted the whole day as a family and knew that she wouldn't pick up her children before 10 at the very earliest.

Friend A has now told me that her mother can look after the children overnight on the 2nd Jan but is going out between 2 and 5.30 so could I now look after her children for those hours. She has pretty much begged me because she really wants to go out and it is essential that the children are not there.

I do want to help and for her (single mum) to have a social life. But really the whole of that time is 'family' time and I really want it just to be my family. My DH is also taking a days holiday so the 2nd is his last day before going back to work.

I did explain all this to Friend A and said that DH may well want to have a day out so getting back for 2pm will cut short the day. However, friend A is really desparate.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

catsmother · 23/12/2011 08:26

You are under no obligation at all to facilitate her social life .... and I say that as someone who was a single mum for 9 years so I know exactly what it's like to feel trapped indoors. In all that time I never "begged" for help, unless I was truly desperate - and that would have been when I was very ill and unable to look after my child. (Not that anyone ever helped me anyway). I guess you can't stop someone asking for a favour but if you ask, you have to be prepared to hear "no" ..... what's the worse that'd happen if you said "no" ??

halcyondays · 23/12/2011 08:40

Yanbu and if her mother is taking them overnight then she can still go out.

ScarlettCrossbones · 23/12/2011 09:41

OP, what have you decided to do?

carabos · 23/12/2011 09:46

I'm going to swim against the tide here. You see, I think you don't want to say no - for whatever reason, it is more important to you to avoid what you believe will an unpleasant confrontation which will leave you feeling bad about yourself than it is to have the family day that your DH wants.

I'm guessing that if you give in to your "friend", your DH will low-level grumble rather than go ballistic and you reckon you can cope with that. You are trying to engineer a situation where you end up feeling ok-ish in most departments rather than totally shitty in one.

You need to keep saying yes to this woman until something happens to make you feel really really bad, cos IMO you ain't gonna stop until this badly affects you personally and not just slightly pisses off your family.

See where I'm going with this? You and your "friend" are two sides of the same coin - on some level, both of you think this is sort of OK.

Btw, you sound very immature to me.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 23/12/2011 09:50

Another one here who has read you're other threads

Why can't you say no?

Why don't you tell her to Sod off? We've told you so many times I don't get why you keep posting about it on her just say no

ssd · 23/12/2011 09:54

why do so many women feel they cant bloody say the word no to any bugger who asks?

freind A is taking the piss op and you are letting her

either grow a backbone or stop looking for sympathy for your situation

AKMD · 23/12/2011 09:56

Just say no!

You don't need to apologise to her or explain to her or find her alternatives. It is not your problem. It isn't even a problem at all. She has all night with this random man (weird), she can tell him to wait until the children have got to her mother's house. She isn't desperate, she is selfish and rude.

mrszimmerman · 23/12/2011 09:58

it is really hard but I have a single friend whose kids I have looked after loads and loads over the years. I do feel I've pulled my weight in supporting her and of course it's fairly one way, which I understand, she's a working single mother and I'm really glad to support her within reason.
But it has caused strain between me and dh off and on, he's fine within reason but says she has often taken the pi**. And she has.
I think if you feel that strongly you must say no, because if you don't, and I've made the same mistake, you end up resenting it and bad feeling results. I ended up quite disliking her kids for awhile when she kept dropping them on my doorstep for days on end at 8.20 as I was trying to get the house out of the house.
Be clear and always say "I'll say if I can and I can't this time, sorry."
Good luck.

marmiteandjam · 23/12/2011 10:08

Another one for the Just Say No Brigade. We should start a Facebook page

theincredibequeenofwands · 23/12/2011 10:15

I've not read all of your threads but did have a similar issue with a 'friend', although she wouldn't ask me, she'd ask me to ask my DH to babysit because I work nights.

She'd tell me to beg him.

Once you've said no a few times it gets much easier, and they stop asking.

Also none of my business but the thought of someone offloading their kids onto a reluctant babysitter to fuck some strange man off the internet is weird weird weird. Is he paying her? Is that the urgency?

LydiaWickham · 23/12/2011 10:30

Right, had a look at your other threads. Sorry, I'm about to be harsh.

You seem to like this - you want to be needed by other people, you talk about how they are desparate when they are clearly not, that they can't manage without you when they clearly could. You ignore all advise that involves you completely saying "no" but go for moderating the scope of the offer you will give, whilst still being "the amazingly kind person." This is actually an ego boost for you, but at the inconvience of your DCs and your DH.

You are being selfish, not kind and caring. You are putting your need to be needed above your commitment to DH and DCs. You are putting them last. If they complain, it looks like they are the selfish ones, not you .

Say no to her, she is not desparate. She doesn't need to have sex before 5:30pm (which when you say she is desparate, is what you are basically saying). She wants to go out. She doesn't need to, but you need to be needed.

Put your DH and your family first. If you do this favour, don't come complaining yet again that you are soooo generous and sooo kind and people take advantage. they don't, they keep asking because you keep saying yes, so that they can be all grateful to you, and sod the rest of your family so long as you get to feel good right?

porcamiseria · 23/12/2011 10:35

juyst tell her to fuck off!!!! god the nerve of some people

new years resoluton, say NOOOOOOOOO aot more x

GlueSticksEverywhere · 23/12/2011 10:37

Blimey you need to stop letting people take advantage of you! It is perfectly resonable to say no. You don't have to give a reason. Just no.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 23/12/2011 10:40

Well put, Lydia

Ditto carabos.

Eggrules · 23/12/2011 10:43

You already know that you need to put your DH and family first.

Overnight starting at 5:30pm is a treat.

Another 3 1/2 hours will more than likely turn into all night.

"No - that doesn't work for us, please stop asking as I don't want to fall out over this". Change of subject/friend.

Appuskidu · 23/12/2011 10:44

What have you decided to do, OP?

empirestateofmind · 23/12/2011 11:27

Another one here who remembers the last two threads.

Agree with Lydia. You need to put your DH and DC first.

Do not engage with her. Say no, it is not convenient. Then put the phone down/walk away.

wineandroses · 23/12/2011 11:49

I agree with Lydia. Why do you keep posting on here, getting unanimous advice to tell your so-called friend to piss off, then ignore that advice? You want to be needed, at the expense of your family. Carry on then.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 11:53

I agree with the others, OP. I have replied over and over again on your threads, saying you need to tell your friends no, yet you keep posting and posting, almost like you are looking for someone to approve of how you behave like a doormat.

rainbow2000 · 23/12/2011 11:54

I think the op loves being a martyr,she thinks nobody can cope without her.This the 3rd thread all she has to do say NO.But that would be to easy.
I for one if she starts another thread am boycotting it or reporting it cause its the same scenerio all the time.Im getting pissed off with her,she needs a good shake.
She knows whats gonna happen.Get your husband to answer her and say no.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 23/12/2011 11:57

I've been thinking about Lydia's post a few up from this one. I think you are right. I do like to be liked. I enjoy being helpful and as such often offer to help friends out before they have even asked. Over the months/years I guess friends know that I am likely to help so they come to me first. Part of that makes me feel good.

However, another part pisses me off because whilst I do not mind at all to help when it is not affecting my family, sometimes I get asked to look after friends' children when it is really inconvienient. I'm not sure why I struggle to say no when it is inconvienient, I should just say no. Perhaps it is because I don't want to let someone down and for them to feel bad about me.

This time what has thrown me is that I did said no but then got a phone call a week later where she chewed my ear off for ages telling me how much she really liked this guy and this is the only time they are in similar locations. We live 'down south' and he lives 'up north'. However, he is coming to London to see family so happens to be in the general area. Otherwise they only communicate via Skype or email or text etc.

I have text her - I did not chicken out of a telephone call, it was because I knew that it would end up being a really long call and I couldn't be bothered to hear it all again.

I have said I am sorry but we are going for a day out to make the most of DH day off as we have annual tickets to a place about 40 mins from where we live. I said that perhaps the guy could come over at 5.30 once her mum is back.

I know she won't ask me to take her children with me because it is expensive to get in (£25/child) and she wouldn't pay over £50.

I have yet to have a response. I have a feeling she will say that is fine and not to worry but later whine about not having a social life and missing out on seeing this guy etc. However, all your responses have made me feel strong and not guilty AT ALL.

As her friend I want her to be happy and if having more of a social outlet makes her happy then yes I want to help. But this social engagement is about shagging an almost stranger met on line and in no way should it affect my family at all.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 23/12/2011 11:58

Oh fgs. You have said no, haven't you? No need for anything else then.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 23/12/2011 11:59

Then let her whine! just walk off! And why did you apologise to her? I would seriously ditch her as a friend

Bearcrumble · 23/12/2011 12:04

It's still a bit of a fudge though isn't it - making the excuse of the expensive place? You should be ok with saying 'no' just because you want to be with your family.

But better than agreeing I guess.

crunchbag · 23/12/2011 12:22

So what are you going to do if she decides to pay the £50 entrance fee? It's cheaper than a babysitter and hotel room after all.

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