Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend A has asked me to babysit for 3 1/2 hours on 2nd January

139 replies

pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 20:45

Hello again all.

I started two threads on here regarding help I give to friends in terms of looking after their children for free to enable them to work. Sorry I don't have the links.

Friend A works on a Friday and other odd days and regularly asks me to look after her 2 children, which I was getting fed up of.

Anyway, friend A asked me to look after her children overnight on 2nd January so that she could go out. I said no because the 3rd Jan was the last day of the holidays and I wanted the whole day as a family and knew that she wouldn't pick up her children before 10 at the very earliest.

Friend A has now told me that her mother can look after the children overnight on the 2nd Jan but is going out between 2 and 5.30 so could I now look after her children for those hours. She has pretty much begged me because she really wants to go out and it is essential that the children are not there.

I do want to help and for her (single mum) to have a social life. But really the whole of that time is 'family' time and I really want it just to be my family. My DH is also taking a days holiday so the 2nd is his last day before going back to work.

I did explain all this to Friend A and said that DH may well want to have a day out so getting back for 2pm will cut short the day. However, friend A is really desparate.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 22/12/2011 23:31

you don't have to say what plans are. you can just say nho.

Shenanagins · 22/12/2011 23:43

Why not try to think of it from another angle. You are the one out at work all day, five days a week and you have few precious holidays that you want to spend playing and bonding with your children as you realise that time is limited and in a few short years they will be off. Then you find out that you're precious family time is taken up babysitting another family. Would you be happy?

(Sorry if this sounds a bit confrontational, it really isn't meant to be Smile).

SixFeetUnder · 23/12/2011 00:19

You say she'll be upset if you don't do it but who would you rather was upset with you, your husband or her?

In your previous thread you said that you'd tried to arrange her to babysit for you one day during the holidays and she was very non-committal and even said to another friend that she didn't want other kids over during 'her holiday' (paraphrasing a bit, can't exactly remember but sure that was the gist) - this should tell you everything you need to know and make saying NO a whole lot easier.

She is massively taking the piss out of you, please don't let her.

Ciske · 23/12/2011 00:46

Look, you too have something very important on 2 Jan, which is precious family time, and you're desperate for that to stay in place. Her despair for a date is not more important than your despair to have a lovely day with your DH and DCs. You've said No to her once, you can do it again.

And just remember, if you say Yes, you'll have to come back to this thread, 'fess up, and take the grief from everyone here... now do you really want to put yourself through that? Xmas Wink

giraffesCantDanceAtXmasParties · 23/12/2011 00:49

No.

IvantaOuiOui · 23/12/2011 00:54

Just say no. However much she begs. If you behave like a doormat she will take the piss and expect free childcare everytime Mr Shag is over. If she is desperate, she can pay someone for childcare and go to a hotel. This is Not Your Monkey.

whethergirl · 23/12/2011 01:04

YANBU. She is taking the piss. I am also a lone/single parent and only ask for childminding favours for important and unavoidable reasons like work/illness, and try to limit them as much as possible, AND always give someone a get out clause so as not to put the burden on them.

By the way, I've known single parent on benefits pay for childminders, if she wants to go out that badly she can pay for a childminder. It's not because of you she can't go out, don't let her make you feel that way.

whethergirl · 23/12/2011 01:07

friend A is really desparate

I beg to differ! I've been in a position where I've had to ask neighbours/friends to help out with childminding for 'desperate' reasons and they do NOT include social life!

sunnydelight · 23/12/2011 02:05

YANBU and your friend is being incredibly selfish to keep harassing you to get what she wants when she knows you don't want to do it. She obviously thinks she will just eventually wear you down - some friend. I would just stop the whole thing now personally, tell her that as she clearly has no respect for you you've decided that it's probably just best to make a clean start for the new year and she needs to totally leave you out of her child are arrangements in future. Some people will just keep taking the piss as long as you let them.

Crabapple99 · 23/12/2011 02:50

give me her number, I'll ring up and say "no" on your brhalf.

runningwilde · 23/12/2011 06:40

Your 'friend' really is a bit of a cow and you really really need to start standing uo for yourself and your life. Those 3 and 1/2 hours will turn into more. She should not pressurise you - she really isn't a good friend as good friends would never do this. She is really out of order and please stand firm.

runningwilde · 23/12/2011 06:42

Totally agree with sunnydelight too - I would distance yourself from this leech and not help her at all as she has fuck all respect for you.

Mutt · 23/12/2011 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantieMaggie · 23/12/2011 06:46

Is this the same friend whose dc you take to school?

IMO you do more than a lot of people to help out your friends and as lovely as you are you need to start putting yourself first and say no.

She can wait til 5:30 to see this man as she'll have all night with him. End of.

I would just text her and say DH said no to having her DC and then not get into any further discussion about it.

Good luck x

Mutt · 23/12/2011 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runningwilde · 23/12/2011 06:50

Ffs grow a pair of balls. She doesn't give a shiny shit about you and you LET her treat you like crap. You need to cut this using cow out of your life completely. Say no to everything from now on and don't explain, put your family first and get some bloody self-respect.

Sorry to be harsh but you need a reality check - this woman is a user who doesn't give a shit about you. Cut her out of your life.

RobinSparkles · 23/12/2011 07:00

She "begged" you? Seriously, has she got no self respect? Surely her random bloke can wait until the evening that her mum can take them!

Why does he have to go round to hers anyway, why can't she go out with him for the evening? I don't get it.

Oh and YANBU!

Avantia · 23/12/2011 07:16

The random bloke will cancel at the last minute due to his DW work committments. Grin

myBOYSareBONKERS · 23/12/2011 07:21

This makes me so angry - why are you such a doormat???

I have read all of the other threads you have posted and you haven't resolved anything as they are still taking the piss and you are still letting them.

If you have her children I think you are completely out of order and putting her needs before your own family. That is so wrong.

Your husband wants a day with his family not someone else's and if you take them along I really think you are setting yourself up for some huge resentment and arguments in the future - which will be entirely your own fault.

warthog · 23/12/2011 07:31

pingu, you've got to stop feeling guilty about this friend. you don't owe her anything at all. it's not up to you to enable her social life. it's a nice thing to do yes, but she's a taker and it's a one-way street. you're not happy. your dh isn't happy. don't do it.

do what she isn't and put your family first.

SanTEEClaus · 23/12/2011 07:35

Just say no. Say 'No I will not take your children so you can shag some stranger.'

End of topic.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 23/12/2011 07:35

Can you stop taking her calls until th 3rd? I'm a bit worried that if you talk to her between now and then, you'll cave.
Is it true that she wont sit for you but still has the cheek to ask again? [Shock]

gettingeasier · 23/12/2011 07:35

Is sixfeetunder right ? Ie when you asked for some childcare she wasnt keen?

I am not quite sure why, having already said you cant have them on the 2nd, you got into a situation of her begging you to have them in the afternoon of that day.

Not being funny but what kind of friend is she as in an occasional coffee friend, a close friend but someone who takes the mick a bit etc , a friend in part of a set circle etc ?

I ask because that would influence how I handled this tbh. If she is more of an accquaintance than a friend then I would be inclined to text her and say "Sorry definetly cant have your dc on the 2nd hope you have a lovely xmas see you in the new year"

If she is a friend whose friendship matters to you and you dont want to fall out then it is harder but you should still say no and is she continues to go on about it then ask her why she thinks its ok to not take no for an answer.

I had a very close friend who was a bit like this when our DC were younger and in the end when I saw her name come up on my mobile 2 minutes from the school playground I would leave it as a missed call and when she asked if I could have her DC until xtime I would say ok as long as it is xtime (she was famed for turning up hours late) and she soon realised I wouldnt be one of her victims and didnt ask me.

The point is apart from this side of her she was a lovely friend and now our dc are in their teens these issues dont arise and shes still a lovley friend iyswim ?

Anyway yanbu Xmas Smile

Robotindisguise · 23/12/2011 07:42

I agree with whethergirl. Desperate is not being able to get cover for a hospital appointment or an important job interview, not a booty call...

KittyFane · 23/12/2011 07:59

I really don't understand why you will have to have another conversation with her about it.
Did you say "I'll see and get back to you?"
The answer is no and if she pushes it you say "please don't ask me again, it's not convenient with DH and I".

As for her, is she really a friend?
Do you go places together & see each other socially or are you just on her list of people to use as a childminder?